"I will never be satisfied" written by Paul on estrip.org

Category: body

11/21/08 09:14 - 24ºF - ID#46791

I will never be satisfied

So I went to the gym this evening to work out and post-workout visited the sauna where there were a bunch of super hot guys, a couple of which had similar body types but were totally ripped. I don't mean like sort of hot, they were so freakin' super hot - like the gardener guys from Desperate Housewives. Instead of feeling better after working out, I just felt crappy. Normally I would be turned on by such a beautiful view but instead I was nauseous with jealousy.

I kept telling myself maybe they were all shorter in stature as short people tend to look way more muscular. Its hard to tell when everyone is sitting down.

I am so not jealous of the dudes with 10 inch penises, or the super buff body builder types, both things I know I cannot be - but when it is someone of a similar body type but the target weight / muscle bulk I want to be, I just feel defeated - like that could be me.

It seems the crux for me is that I cannot seem to eat enough - that and the whole crohn's battle. Also from the sounds of what they were talking about they had jobs that involved physical labor. If only mental exercise could produce physical beauty the same way that physical exercise does - I would be so freakin "ripped" lol.

Its crazy. I remember thinking I would die to be 150, now I am 150 and I feel like I am even more unhappy than when I was 130. I feel like 175 would be better but then will 175 feel like 150. Is there no end to the cycle.

(e:Terry) says I just need to give it up.

theli writes at 10:04:09 11/24/08 - Comment #42558: ^^^^^ jealous of being 6'0. Heh. 20 pounds is no small feat if your meta is really that high... Grats.

iriesara writes at 08:53:23 11/22/08 - Comment #42516: welcome to my world (or former world, and that of most girls). I've felt like that from the time I was 12 til I realized it didn't fucking matter. let that shit go. you can only be the best you that you can be, and that's more than good enough. that's the lesson I learned, anyway. I'm proud of you. can't wait to see you.

gardenmama writes at 07:44:33 11/22/08 - Comment #42509: I knew a beautiful young man once who developed an addiction to working out. His distorted view of his own physique(which was pretty steamy) as he compared himself to others, sadly led him into developing a serious addiction to physical training. He ended up doing his body, and his life, way more harm than good. As a side note, it is my understanding that he had also developed difficulty with getting and/or maintaining an erection, which, I have heard is the casse with many extreme body builders. Better to not be quite so ripped, I'd guess. By the way, there are probably guys looking at you the same way thinking, "man, I wish I looked that fit."

tinypliny writes at 06:30:33 11/22/08 - Comment #42506: You rock, Paul - ripped or not. :)

(Pssst: You don't need those crazy muscles. You need a moustache. ;-))

metalpeter writes at 05:13:43 11/22/08 - Comment #42495: First of all I will admit I'm a little jealous of the 10 inch guys out there, or maybe it is just that if that was me there would be a sex act that I could then perform well ok more then just one if that was me, I'm not saying what. But I think that is a natural thing for some people other then (e:Paul). That is to wish we where one way when we can't be (I don't think any of those pills really work anyways). Short people want to be tall and play basketball, and be able to reach things on shelves and tall people wish they didn't have to bend down to walk through doorways and could drive that nice small sports car, but there legs are to long.

I think that our society (or at least the famous people) put a lot of weight on how people look, and not only being pretty. It used to be that being what we would call fat now a days was thought as beauty. It meant that you where able to eat food and had money and that you weren't the poor and sickly it was a sign of good health.

(e:Paul) the thing is I think a lot of what (e:dragonlady7) says is true. Yes if you work out and run and exercise you can get stronger or bigger or both or more toned. You can make your workouts to develop what ever you want to. That being said you are a certain size naturaly and have limits (DNA) of how big you can get. I think the way those weight gaining powders work is that they give you a lot of fat and or calories that your body will turn into fat then with lifting lots of heavy weight it turns the fat into muscle or maybe fat builds up under the muscle and that makes you look bigger, not sure really. The thing to remember is are you going to the gym to Look like a body builder, Triple H (prowrestler) or are you going to get into better shape. If the answer is to be buff go get some steriods and go hit the heavy weight, as much as you can lift a few times and get big or at least try to. I think you want to get in shape. It is nice to look strong but I think cardo is just as important. For example I might be as Big and strong as Chuck Ledell or Brock Lesner but when two guys have pipes I'm screwed and it is time to run, and I can't I'm done.

I'm thin but not as much as I used to be so I get that part. I think I used to be like a 30 waist and now I'm kinda a 34. I think I'm more like 33 but often pants go in 2's so maybe back then I was really a 29. So even though I'm slim not as slim as I used to be.

dragonlady7 writes at 04:35:40 11/22/08 - Comment #42491: There's some pretty strong evidence out there that everyone has a natural set point that their metabolism revolves around. It's possible, with some work, for a person to move from one end of their set point to another-- usually a range of 20-50 pounds-- but beyond that, it's so difficult as to be nearly impossible for a person to change their body size/type. There are case studies on record of people eating in excess of 13,000 calories a day in order to move above their set point weight-- any fewer, and their metabolism revved into overdrive to maintain their weight within their set range. Plenty of studies exist in the opposite direction, as well, of people subsisting on 800 calories a day for years at a time with little change in their weight. (These case studies are called "Weight Watchers", incidentally. For reference, the U.N. refers to anything under 1500 calories a day as "starvation".)

So the fact that you've made the changes you have speaks volumes about your determination-- but the limit you've hit, particularly given that you have a digestive illness, suggests that you've hit the edge of your set point. You were designed to be a slender person. You are certainly to be commended for the amount you've taken charge of your own health, but to keep striving for yet more change is unlikely to pay off. It's best to be happy with the work you've done.

But I hear you on the physical labor thing. I have moved from the lower end of my set point (175) to the upper end (205) since I stopped waitressing, and while my knees are overjoyed, I'm really not having an easy time loving this new extra-flabby belly I've got. I've got way more muscle development than I did, but it's all hidden under these heaving mounds of fat.

Well, the only person I know who isn't at all self-conscious about his body is (e:zobar), who's 6'3", 135, and I can count his vertebrae. He knows it's futile for him to try to look like anything else. All he can do is make a reasonable effort to eat a varied diet and move his ass off the couch once in a while. We'll see which of us lives longer. ;)

jason writes at 10:12:56 11/22/08 - Comment #42483: Paul, just like with the 10 inch dicks and the body builders, everyone has different circumstances. Wanting more is natural, I think we all do, James and Libertad are so right.

For what it's worth, you deserve a lot of credit for putting in the work and gaining that 20 pounds. You look strong and healthy. If not for genetics (presumably) the way I take care of myself I should be 400 pounds.

Give yourself some credit, be happy with what you've done so far and the nature of the cycle has to change. I've been terrified to death of going to the gym and being judged, you've done something most people don't do.

The saddest part of the story for me is that it ruined your enjoyment of the view. In my pre-Elmwood days I would go to BAC Amherst now and again during lunches and seeing hot people is one of THE reasons to go!!

libertad writes at 10:06:25 11/21/08 - Comment #42468: That's funny james. So it is my theory that the more you work out and take care of your body the more self conscious about it you become. I have been working out 3-4 times a week lately and a lot of times will look in the mirror and be disgusted. I see a lot of results and everything but I get unhappy at the fat accumulation around my mid section. No, I don't think I am fat, but still I think that for my frame the fat I have accumulated there is unhealthy and unflattering. So now I am trying to work on it but it is definitely harder to lose fat than it is to gain muscle.

I cut out cream and sugar from my coffee and recently stopped drinking soda. I wish I didn't have to eat dinner so late sometimes but that is what I end up doing since sometimes I am gone from 8:00am to 9:00pm. I'm stepping up on my cardio too so I'm hopeful that it will help in getting the fat off of my stomach and sides. I'm not trying to lose weight just fat.

Really, I think I will just become more and more obsessed the more I am working out. It is a vicious cycle. I gotta be careful not to get too much muscle because then what would happen if I stopped working out?

BTW, maybe you should go at different times because usually I don't see these desperate housewife boy toys that you seem to work out with. Not that there aren't any hot people just not an abundance.

lilho writes at 09:37:28 11/21/08 - Comment #42464: (e:terry) is a mean terry. i think you always look hot. how about people like me who envy the "waif" look, and you have it, and i have all this curviness and whatnot... just own what you have!

james writes at 09:36:56 11/21/08 - Comment #42463: I have been at this pretty hardcore for two yeas now and I see people at that gym with perfect bodies all the time. It is a little discouraging, but then I see with gross letch in the sauna with a pot belly and a comb over and I think to myself "I may be a filthy human being, but I will never get that disgusting."

Permalink: I_will_never_be_satisfied.html
Words: 287
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: web

11/21/08 05:45 - 25ºF - ID#46788

Italians are not white?

I know italians were not always white but i thought generally now they are, then I saw this:

Younger Guy for My Wife - mw4m - 38 (buffalo
Looking for yonger man for our first threesome. You need to be clean, d/d free, discreet, respectful (especially to my wife), under the age of 25, white or italian, neatly trimmed (not shaven), 7" or less, and in decent shape (HWP).

Permalink: Italians_are_not_white_.html
Words: 76
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: food

11/21/08 02:34 - 26ºF - ID#46785

Squid == cholestrol

Who knew that squid had so much cholestrol. The other day (e:enknot) and I ate the squid I bought at the local asian grocer (e:paul,46615) It was so freakin tasty. I used my time tested cinamon, clove, carrot, tomato paste, olive oil recipe (e:paul,40613)

Then I looked at the package and saw just how much cholestrol is in squid. 263mg per serving with 6 serving in the bag. I had 5 servings about. That means I got 1315mg of cholestrol. That cannot be good, does anyone know if this is the good or bad kind?

Permalink: Squid_cholestrol.html
Words: 98
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: pets

11/21/08 02:31 - 26ºF - ID#46783

Giving Basra a Bath

Basra got his winter bath today. He was relatively clean to begin with. Its amazing how little a tortoise smells. Our previous home zoo always smelled so bad because of the freakin sugar gliders. I feel bad for basra that he had to live with them.

Permalink: Giving_Basra_a_Bath.html
Words: 48
Location: Buffalo, NY

11/19/08 10:42 - ID#46752

Too early for Christmas

When I took this picture last week, it as entirely too early for
Christmas. It still is. When will they start in the summer.

Permalink: Too_early_for_Christmas.html
Words: 29
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: work

11/17/08 10:27 - 29ºF - ID#46725

So stressed out about New York

In terms of the working for it part, I am very happy. Lots of stuff going on and its pretty fun right now. I love solving problems and right now I have a million little ones to solve which keeps it exciting.

So I was really into building my new wikimedia extensions when the cleaning guy came to me to say that he and his whole team are being laid off and have only a month left. Its so sad that they lay off the people for Christmas. He seemed so sad.

I overheard the older lady cleaning woman saying how the new jobs she looked at had no benefits. It made me think about what would happen to me if I lost my job and had no health insurance and now I am just sad. Seriously, I kind of feeling like crying and I know thats lame but it must be so devastating.

It also makes me think that the state job world is maybe not so secure after all. It makes me wonder if I should look for a federal job like terry. I mean if the feds go down its really over, right?

To make it even creepier of an evening at like 8:00PM someone came in our office area where I am the only person and shouted "everyone go home." Then they left before I could figure out who it was. I left right after and just finished my editing from home. It probably was just a co-worker but the moment had all the feeling of office shooting.

Speaking of which, the VPN we have is so great. Before I hated it because I didn't have a native mac client but it is so convenient to just be at work from anywhere.

Pictures
I was so busy I forgot to change my iphone so there are no pics to post. But you would have seen.
1. A squirrel's head I found on the street still bleeding. How on earth did that happen.
2. An ambulance on and vacant with the windows open and the keys in the ignition while the drivers smoozed with the gas station owner on Allen.

libertad writes at 07:41:16 11/18/08 - Comment #42293: Yeah DHL is our shipper at work and they were the cheapest contract. Now we will probably have to spend more money to ship thus being in even worse shape.

jenks writes at 06:12:41 11/18/08 - Comment #42283: the DHL delivery guy just said that the whole company is going out of business (or more accurately, is going to be international only, no domestic), so they are all losing their jobs too. And yeah, right in time for xmas. Awesome!

pmrk writes at 03:55:16 11/18/08 - Comment #42273: My hubby said that the VA Administration Offices downtown will be hiring 80 - 100 people soon including some IT positions. USAJOBS.COM will have the postings when they come out.

He's a work study down there and hears all kinds of things since no one is afraid to talk in front of the work study!

janelle writes at 10:10:27 11/18/08 - Comment #42249: Roswell gives a contract to Phoenix Frontier to do their cleaning. They didn't renew the contract. My agency supports developmentally disabled individuals who work for Phoenix Frontier at Roswell and these individuals reported that they're going to be laid off as of January, 31. We're scrambling over here to help these guys start looking for new jobs. At least our individuals will receive support in finding a new job. I feel bad for the other employees.

libertad writes at 10:02:40 11/18/08 - Comment #42247: It seems they are hired by Roswell but right now they are hiring under 20hrs a week which keeps them from getting benefits.

:::link:::

fing writes at 09:45:31 11/18/08 - Comment #42244: I think that these cleaners in our building are contracted out through a 3rd party company. I don't think they get paid from Roswell. This does not make the suck factor any less however. I know that being a State Employee has its moments but job security is pretty high.

vincent writes at 12:22:29 11/18/08 - Comment #42232: Things are going to be very tough in this state for a while. I don't want to get into a hypothetical prognostication about what is going to happen when they raise taxes at the same time when everyone's pocketbook will be contracting.

libertad writes at 10:58:42 11/17/08 - Comment #42229: I am pretty stressed about it too. Losing those hours came at a really bad time. Everyone is tightening their wallets.

tinypliny writes at 10:45:27 11/17/08 - Comment #42228

I meant to ask "You have VPN access?" but somehow my train of thought got derailed a bit...

tinypliny writes at 10:42:26 11/17/08 - Comment #42227: Hmm... dead squirrel < dead bunny NOT < dead squirrel BUT definitely < dead squirrel WITH still-bleeding head.

Also you have can connect via VPN? How awesome. I wish they would give at least a remote proxy-access to library resources if not a VPN for students. I am so jealous!

As for being fired, I think I get depressed about it once in a while. Even though I am just a student, it still feels scary and awful. I can't even begin to imagine how it must be really like to be laid off without a back-up. It makes me want to cry as well. :/

Permalink: So_stressed_out_about_New_York.html
Words: 361
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: television

11/16/08 10:11 - 36ºF - ID#46703

Desperate House Wives

Sadly, after the fun time dancing on friday night, I did nothing really this weekend other than some programming for work and watch Desperate House Wives series 1. I have to say I am addicted and I hope they continue the same level of entertaining throughout the series.

Bree is my favorite character.

They even have a barbie doll of her now

Permalink: Desperate_House_Wives.html
Words: 74
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: dance

11/14/08 05:57 - 57ºF - ID#46691

Dancing Where?

It is crazy the next two night have a whole bunch of DJs I want to see and dance to but in places I don't really enjoy dancing at. I want a freakin' big ass dancefloor where I don't feel crowded. Its so sad that a giant space like Tabu closed down because nothing filled it and then you have places like OHM that have such tiny dance floors and have good DJs.

I really like Josh The Funky 1

I am so surprised they got him tonight at OHM. I think I am going to go anyways. Sadly, one of the local DJs I really like named Loony Toons is not playing tonight even though he is on the tour for the stop tomorrow night in Rochester.

I would much rather see him somewhere like this:

They tomorrow it is Happy Hardcore night, which I also always enjoy, but once again at Ohm. I wonder if I will even go to either. I mean its not a terrible place but I just really crave dance space.

Then there is also drum and bass at Staples. But it has the same small dance space problem.

Here is a pic of Tilt nightclub in Rochester. I haven't been there but this is the size space I want to go to. WHy can buffalo never maintain that. Thats why I miss Raves in warehouses or abandoned theatres, buildings, etc - sure there was asbestos but I would trade that for a good dance space, lol.

Permalink: Dancing_Where_.html
Words: 274
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: linwood

11/12/08 10:20 - 43ºF - ID#46668

Linwood Shooting and Street Mugging

I got an email from a member of the block club today saying there was a shooting on the Utica->west Ferry block of Linwood. Apparently, it didn't make it into the police report because they thought it was a pellet gun at first but it turned out to be a .22 calibur. I can't believe it took 12 days to find out about this considering we could have been more on the lookout if we knew. I really think the police should have some sort of a neighborhood crime information site to let people track crime in their neighborhood.

I just wanted to give everybody a heads up about an incident that happened on Linwood on 11/01. A couple were walking to their car and were held up at gunpoint. The wife's purse was stolen and the husband was shot in the leg with a .22 caliber gun. They were unable to identify the assailants to the police since it was about 1:30 in the morning and the two people were wearing hooded sweatshirts. The police and paramedics told the victims they thought it was a pellet gun that was used. The victims went to the emergency room and were informed by the doctors it was a .22 caliber bullet.

That night, 2 other shootings occurred. Both victims were shot in the leg. One of the shootings occurred on Fillmore. Interesting note, the wife's bank card, in the stolen purse, was used to buy gas on Fillmore. Unfortunately, that gas station doesn't have cameras. The police are investigating, but it doesn't look like the perpetrators will be identified. The crime did not make the Buffalo News because the police report list the weapon as a pellet gun(So I have heard)

Please be careful.. Make sure to have some outside lights on outside.... Don't put yourself in vulnerable positions...Be AWARE of your surroundings

We used to rent an apartment ont hat block back in 2003-2005 and I have to say I always felt that part of the street was way sketchier thanks to the Utica/Main street area. Nicer houses, sketchier neighborhood/apartment building scenario. I hated taking the subway home form UB and getting off there. People think Allentown is sketchy, but honestly, there are a lot more people around which makes it not half as scary.

metalpeter writes at 07:12:03 11/13/08 - Comment #42061: Yeah that Area can be a little rough I guess. I can't figure out why you would shoot someone maybe they didn't hand the stuff over quick enough or maybe one of the people thought wait if they go to there car they can call the cops or follow us or something like that.

gardenmama writes at 11:33:46 11/12/08 - Comment #42039: Thanks for this post. My niece lives in that block and had her apartment broken into. I'll definitely pass along this info to her. Craziness!

tinypliny writes at 11:24:03 11/12/08 - Comment #42035: Not to mention slavery to companies who MADE THIS EVIL gas guzzling vehicles at the expense of suppressing research and development on solar/electric/alternative fuelled vehicles.

tinypliny writes at 11:21:36 11/12/08 - Comment #42033: Brain damage (probably through an earlier shooting).

(And of course depression at the state of affairs where the nation is doling out $700bn to people who can fill the whole country's gas tank with their wealth for a century.)

james writes at 11:17:59 11/12/08 - Comment #42032: What must have happened to an individual where they would put a bullet in a stranger to fill up their gas tank.

tinypliny writes at 11:07:23 11/12/08 - Comment #42031: This is troubling and worrisome. But mostly, I am annoyed. WHY? WHY SHOOT PEOPLE?? Ok, you want the money and the credit card (and that in itself is rotten), but WHY shoot people as well??? Not only do you rob people and harass them, you need to aim and shoot as well and probably cripple them??

This is two blocks from where I live TWO blocks that I walk on all the time. ALL the time. I have walked these streets (well not that block but from work -> home) now at almost all hours of the day (if you look at the whole ~1.5 years I have been living here).

I hate it that thia makes me feel threatened. I hate it that this will probably interfere with my work someday. I simply dread the fact that maybe I might get shot at with "pellet" gun and my bone will splinter and that I might limp for life.

This is so sickening. :/

I agree we need a neighbourhood crime watch. But really what good will come out of it?? Police won't report crimes, residents would and the police would probably go to lengths to deny it because it is yet another black mark on their anti-crime efforts. They obviously don't want to add to the crime statistics.

I hate these people who shoot at others. I hate the circumstances that have made them so heartless. I hate us all who have made this possible by causing the whole society to go out of financial whack by our hoarding and greediness so that the penniless among us are driven to shoot the well-off.

/*End of rant*/

Thanks for posting. :( I probably need to mend my erratic ways and look more impoverished that I already am by wearing tattered clothes.

Permalink: Linwood_Shooting_and_Street_Mugging.html
Words: 386
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: linwood

11/12/08 09:45 - 41ºF - ID#46655

Cleaning The Gutters

We just got new gutters a couple months back but the one side of the roof, which is being destroyed by our neighbors giant maple tree was full of leaves and crap. I always wondered why they had yankee gutters, maybe it was to prevent build up of leaves.

We bought this ladder pusher outer thing from the gutter people. It makes going up on the ladder on a house with ransoms, doable.

After we got the ladder up.

(e:Terry) up the ladder, we took turns. It was actually quite fun, although a little scary the first time.

Anyhow, the roof on that side looks about 100 years older than the roof anywhere, where there is no a tree right on top of it. Its sad because the tree is beautiful and I love it but clearly part of it has to be cut back. Does anyone have a tree guy/girl to call?

The side of the roof under the tree is also covered in moss from the constant shade and dripping the tree makes. I can't decide if this is good or bad. I mean the roof does not leak at all and considering all the damage I think the moss must have protective qualities.