So this is the first Christmas since I was born that we will not be going to my nonna's house, obvioulsy since she passed away this summer. It really is much sadder than I thought it would be. She is really what made Christmas special becuase now it is just my brother, terry, matt, my parents and me at my parents house. Not that that won't be fun, it just isn't the same. I loved going over to her house where Santa would also come for us, and sitting around and eating and chatting all day and eating way too much as always is the way at her house.I miss her so much all the time but today it is much more extremely hard. It just doesn't feel right without her. More than any of my other grandparents I really miss her because i knew her so much as an adult where we could really bond beyond the child/grandparent relationship from when I was younger. Nonna...I miss you, I love you, merry christmas somewhere out there!

So, I really feel lately like I need to get into a relationship of some sort. I never really cared to date anyone that much well there are times I do but in general I didn't but lately I really want to. And its weird because normally I feel that way when all my friends are in pretty serious relationships but that is not the case right now yet I am so wanting to be in one. Ok I'm not saying I have tried very hard to meet people, I really don't try hard becuase I don't really know how, but the only peoploe I have met basically just have stopped talking to me. One problem is I do develop enfatuations with people that like completely consume me . I can't even fathom anyone else while I am enfatuated with them and that perosn I get to afraid to even talk to and so I end up alone. Like currenly maybe there is one person with potential and actually the potential is probably only in my head. Whenever theyare around I freeze up and look stupid and an't carry on a conversation let alone try and show any interest.

Some say I am self defeating becasuee I don't' believe in myself. maybe.

I am at the point where I don't care if the they date someone else,hits me, is like 10,000lbs , missing all their teeth, and has the IQ of a chimp as long as they show in terst in me like one day a week...maybe wednesdays.

So my christmas cards are almost done. And they are amazing if I do say so myself. OK, maybe to the untrained eye they don't look so good but they are relaly good. Ok for me they are, even if my skills are like those of a 7 year olds. I was up all night working on them and have to finsih them tonight. When you see one you would think hmmm....that must have taken what 10, 15 minutes tops. Well no, it took me forever for each one because I have no artistic skills really. So many of you watch in your mailboxes in the days to come (likely after Christmas) to see my glorious creations. Paul, Matt and Terry were the first recipients, they are the only people who have seen them so far. Ok that's all for now......

Oh wait, me and (E:terry) were discussing. Can you put stuff in people's mailboxes. I remember learning that you cannot put anything in a mailbox that does not have a stamp but I am not really sure why that would be and so I am not sure if it is true. I thought of just dropping off many of these cards myself so they will get there on time. Anyone know? THanks,

So I a little bit stuck to my drinking less plan. I did not drink nearly as much as I usually do and stayed at like an ok level. Not sober by any means but I did not pass out til like 4 and didn't really throw up at all. By the by (e:lilho) may we always share tiny little bottles of like pure alochol that burns us as it goes down. 99proof I think? Wait is that a lot? If it is then that is prolly what it was. It was good to see everyone again and I am glad (e:beast) and (e:jesse) made it out to the party. Thanks (e:ladycroft) and (e:lilho) for letting my autograph your breasts. You hsould prolly never wash those becasue they will be worth tons one day. Plus the fact that the big J. Ho was there always means it will be a good time. She is my ultimate corruptor. Who kmnows? If it was n't for her maybe I wuld be successful or have goals or something.

Now for the advice...

So their is this person I met at a party like a month ago or so and we hung out a few times. Like I'm not gonna say we got al ong great or antyhing but we got along and things went ok I thought. It was weird becasue after a lot happening the first time we hung out then after that it was much more like friends but enjoyable anyway. Anywho, liek the last time we hung out I got quite a bit drunk and went back and hung out at their apt and slep there, like literally just slept, and that night and when I left in themornign eveyrthing seemed ok but then I left for Boston. And when I came back I asked if they wanted to go to dinner and they said maybe but htey might have had some work party or something and then they texted me later that they couldn't but maybe some other time. And I had already kinda felt like I was always the one like asking to hang out so I already wasn't sure if they were really intersted so I said ok just let me know if you want to hang out sometime. And then I haven't heard from them since really.... so do I just let it go? Liek it is weird cuz it didn't seem like anyting was wrong really besides the fact I was durnk and stuff but it seemd ok at the time.


So my question is , do I contadt them and just make sure it really is they don't want to hang otu with me anymore? Like I would say maybe it is obvious they don't but as most of my friends will telll you, I tend to exaggerate and alssume people won't want to hang out with me and like I twist stories to make it sound like they don't. Hmm I don't know if this made sense. advice is appreciated

So as some of you know, I think I need to stop drinking so heavily at parties and things. I mean I only drink at parties or get togethers really but I always seem to drink myself into oblivion and really is that necessary? Sure it is fun, but necessary? I think I could probably still have fun and not be that drunk. After every party I or someone get photos developed and I am like wow why do I drink that much and become that embarassing. With the recent photos I just developed from Halloween and my eckerd work party and others over the year I think the proof is in the pudding...here is some photgraphic evidence.




Ok why is there always a photo of me throwing up/about to throw up. Though dressed as a fraggle I think the posed over the toilet look actually comes off as kind of endearing.




Why do I always make this face that I think will be sexy at the time (haha!) but always comes out bad and with triple chins.



And here the face strikes again.

Me and JIll went to see the movei last night and itw as relaly good. I have been rereading the books lately in anticipation of the movie and really the movie was quite closely followed the fbook. Though I don't remember Santa Clasue in the book but maybe I just forgot. I also liked how inthe end the professor told Luci he had never been able to go back throught he wardrobe imppying he hade been to Narnia before. IHWen i read the book i always knoew like it was sorta impolied the professor had been to narnia but i wanted him to say it out loud like he did in the move so i loved that. The Aslaan eyes were so realistic . LIke those eyes were like whoa emotinal. Alsol wow there was something weirdly attractive about the relationship beween Tumnus and Luci. Me and Jill both thought so and we don't often think half goat/half men and 6 year old girls can have so much sexual tension.

So my christmas cards are not even close to being done...as in all the supplies are still in the Hyatt's bag but I will get them done...I must get them done...60 dollars is not going down the drain.

So I just saw an article that says Christmas Office Parties are going to be tamer this year. Well as I've mentioned mine definetely wasn't, but Eckerd always tries to buck the trends. Last night me and a few coworkers went to the Deuce for some Happy Hour fun and to watch the video from the party. As we all pieced together parts of what we remembered of the night, the whole picture became clearer. Then after a brief wrestle on the pool table, one of my coworkers stole the tape and is holding onto it until we get together and agree on erasing parts. I guess she had the most embarassing parts on the tape so it makes some sense but still those are memories and y'all know how I feel about memories. You just don't erase them...grrrrrrr.

I haven't seen (e:amanda) in a really long time and I miss it. I'm so jealous that (e:paul) is eating lunch with her, AMANDA we need to do some Juicery soon!!!! Stupid workweeks that give me no free weekday lunches.

Our Christmas tree is up and it is so much smaller than usual. That's what happens when I don't go along to pick it out. I knew that is what owuld happen. My dad's like "it seemed so big on the lot". Um now way Jose. It is a tiny tree that will not nearly fit the ridiculous amount of ornaments we have and that I liek to put on. Seriously youy will see no branches and only ornaments and still that will leave like a huge box of ornaments unused. How sad...

So at Eckerd we always have kinda crazy parties...we mostly all are heavy drinkers and so these parties tend to get a little out of hand sometimes but always are really fun. In the past we have gotten the cops called to our parties, gotten into the private boxes at Sabres games, had to keep watch while one of my 40 year old bosses pees in an alley on Chippewa, and so many more things but last night I think topped them all. I got quite drunk and passsed out in people's coats at some point I guess and don't remember all that much of the party but what I do remember is that when I woke up there were only like 8 people left and some of them were naked and it was very strange to wake up to 4 coworkers in all different states off undress playing beer pong...oh eckerd how i love the randomness...I guess at Eckerd thats just how we roll...needless to say I had a video camera...uh oh

I just went to Hyatt to get some wax for the seals i put on envelopes with the intention to buy christmas cards. Then decided it would be better to make christmas cards. So I spent like at least a half hour with jesse who works there going over all the different kinds of papers and options. Needless to say $55 later, those of you on my christmas card list better appreciate how good they are going to be. Ok, my artistic skills are minimal but improving so hopefully they come out good. With glitter, wax seals, silver star paper, and caligraphy how can they not be amazing?

Why do I agree to do thiese things? So one of the ladies from one of the Medicare seminars I gave called me today and wanted me to find which Medicare plan would be best for her since she currently has Medicaid and will be forced into a plan. Ok first of all, people with Medicaid have the least to worry about b/c they can changel plans each month and secondly al lthe plans are reasonably the same for them. But anywho I did say at these meetings that we would be able to help people do this (nevermind you that was the crap eckerd was feeding me at the time, we now realize it is way too much work) So instead of saying no we can't relaly do that of course I agree to do it. Of course it is at minimum an hour long project and of course I have no time at work to do it. So i do it at home. ANd my computer is about 1kb/hour internet speed. So Frnakly i have been doing this for the past two hours or so for this one lady. She better freakin write a letter of thanks. I hope she doesn't have any friends. This way they don't call and ask for help too!