So I don't really believe in ghosts though I also don't not believe in them. Anywho, some weirdo stuff has been going on in our new house. All taken separately , seem like no big deal but I swear more and more keeps happening and only to me and never to Dave. So here's what's happened.

1. There are always crazy noises like people walking around and doors opening and closing but I know old houses do that so that I could get over on its own.

2. At the top of the stairs is the guest room. I swear the door opens and closes. I have opened it and then when I went back up it was closed and I have pulled it closed so it latched and then went back up and it was open and noone else was home at the time. Again, this could happen,coudl be the wind or uneven door but really it doesn't always do it and for it to open when I closed it freaked me out.

3. I was in the shower and the radio that is on the back of the toilet that had been there for weeks randomly fell off the toilet while I was in the shower and smashed to the ground. Once again , seen alone I could say ok it could have been unever or smoetihng or the vent blew it off even though it had been there for weeks but with everythign else it started to freak me out.

THEN THEN THEN

4. Around a week ago, I was in the living room and dave was asleep and I got up to get a piece of candy and while I was walking back to the couch , the house frmo the computer and a magazine just fall off the coffee table. There was plenty of other stuff on there , even closer to the edge and nothing else fell off.

5. A few minutes after the couch thing, the tv randomly turns off while I am nowhere near the remote.

AND THEN THE FINALE

6. Last night I go up to bed and put my cell phone on my dresser as I do every night and while I am putting on my pagamas it falls off the dresser and smashes to the ground. I think "well maybe I put it on something and it was unever or soemthing." so I put my flashlight on and make sure to put it flat in the centerish of the dresser. AND THEN.... i lay in bed and after about a few minutes it crashes to the floor again. This is the same spot I put it every day and it never falls off and nothing else around it fell to the ground so it is not like it is slanted.

All in all this is starting to freak me out. Dave read something that sometimes the poltgergeist is really your own spirit or something that is giving you weird abilities to make things move. I kinda always wanted that since I was a kid. I used to sit for hours trying to get the tissue box to move, so if that is all it is mabye it is a good thing!!? On the other hand I cannot stand to go to sleep because I am terrified right now.

So you all know how I previously wrote about burying the hatchet in my mind with the drag queen who performed Wepa.

Well I have just buried the hatchet with a much more real enemy of my mind. There was a kid I went to highschool with who was a year older than me and for some reason that noone can remember I had a very strong hatred for him at some point. I feel like he did something terrible to me though I don't have any recollection what it was so it may have been something minor I have blown out of proportion. I feel like it had something to do with marching band perhaps but I couldn't tell you what it was.

So now what, 15 years later I still carry this grudge even though I have no idea what the reason was. Over the years I have had many interactions with him,we have enough similar acquaintances and both being gay in Buffalo there was bound to be times we ran into each other. I really didn't think I could ever get over it. For April fools this year I texted marykate saying i ran into him and got over it and forgave him and she said it was the biggest shock she had ever had. But it wasn't real, it was APril fools and then today....

I didn't realize I was so obiviously hating but today I got a message from him on facebook saying he has no idea what he ever did to me but if it was ever anything he is sorry and wants to bury the hatchet. I told him there is no real reason to apologize as I don't even remember how it started and that i just didn't really ever have a reason to let it go and so I let the anger carry on.

Anywho I decided that it has been really ridiculous and it's time to just let it go.

It seemed really random and then he told me it was partly because of Maureen and it seems silly to have fights with people over no reason and life is too short. That's very true.

Looking back through photos and journals and letters and mementos and it is so crazy. I remember how terrified I was when you and everyone else went away to college. I didn't think I could handle not seeing you everyday. That itself seemed unbearable..

Now I will never see and talk to you again and I just don't know how I go on knowing that.

I started going through and reading your old journals on here and found this from 2005 "((e:Mike)) I love you. I want you to know that you are really important to me. My life would not be the same without you. I know it doesn't seem true since I've been away at school, but you really are so important. You were the first (and so far only) person I have called since I've been home. When you came to visit me at school I suddenly felt so much more at home, even though I have been living there for three years. But just know that if you ever need someone to talk to or hang out with, I'm here for you. "

And now she's not. She is the person who would most be able to talk me through this and she is not here and I don't know what to do.

(e:Paul) this made me think of you. It is a turkey stuffed with octopus on top of crab legs and wrapped in bacon! YUMMO!

the eye doctor told me I have excellent dilation with the drops. he said they open so wide and make his exam so much easier. but seriously my eyes look insane right now . there is almost none of the color part showing. its just like one big black circle. the cashier at cvs gave me a crazy look.

I don't wanna make a big deal about it but I kinda won the drinking wine out of a box spigot the longest without stopping contest. The key was putting the whole thing in your mouth and not letting someone just pour it. Anywho that wasn't the point of this post.

I went to a Bill's watching part at my friend's house and a bunch of ladies and their husbands/boyfriends were there. The guys (minus me) definitely cared about football more but we all enjoyed but anyway the funny part is that the guys (once again minus me) did all the cooking of all the food. Like they kept making food for everyone throughout the game and were watching the game on this tiny little tv in the kitchen while cooking while we who did not care nearly as much watched it on a huge tv and just gorged ourself on all this delicious food.

It seemed like such a role reversal of how you would imagine a football party to go. LIke you would think it would be ladies cooking and in the ktichen and the men sitting back just eating and stuff. The times they are a changing. At least in my world.

ALl in all a really fun delicious day. OOOH and i called like three times what was about to happen in the game and then it did and I only know like three football moves but I called them all!

Started thinking about what to be this year and I really have no idea. Then I came across this video ...and I want to be celia cruz in every outfit in this video! OMG The costumes are all amazing and you all know I love several costume changes over the night....but I think it might too complicated and most people would not know what it was..

And frankly we all know I would just end up being the naked girl in the video by the end of the night...

So prolly anyone who knows me knows that once I hate a person it is pretty much for life. Sometimes I will decide something someone does bothers me to an extent that is really extreme and an overreaction but it doesn't really matter and it is pretty much how I will feel about them for the rest of my life. I know it's not my best quality but its definitely there. THere are a few exceptions and really it tends to last more on people I don't really have to deal with much if ever again.

Anywho, in my canisius orientation for college back in 2001 there was this kid that I just could not stand. I cannot remember why but I am pretty sure it was something to do with him thinking he was so great and so much better than anyone else. I am pretty sure we only interacted for around ten minutes but sometimes that is just enough for me to make an opinion for life. Maybe (e:Mk) remembers..she is the only person who might remember. Anywho, for whatever reason, which was probably legit at the time I have really pretty much hated this person for the next ten to fifteen years. Mind you I never saw them really , sometimes around town and in my head they kept justifying my dislike of them even though I actually had no interaction wiht them or any reason to really feel that way. As I"ve said before, it's not my best quality.

WEll anywho, maybe like a year or so ago I realized this person is now a drag queen that I have seen perform and frankly I enjoy their performances but couldn't admit it because my inner dislike was so strong.

AND THEN WEPA happened. Last night this was the performance. I never heard this song before but something about the song and the performance made me realize , maybe it is time to let the hatred (that I can't even remember why it started) go. I'd like to think maybe I"m maturing ...or maybe Gloria Estefan is just that damn amazing.

The funny part is letting go of the hatred really will change my life in no way. We have no similar circles or anywhere where we would interact but somehow it still feels good to let it go. Now thinking about it I hope they never see this journal because frankly I can admit I look a little crazy that i have thought about this so much over a ten minute interaction almost 15 years ago.

Here is Gloria's glorious song:

I'm going Friday to visit my friend Maureen who lives in Boston. We have been friends since sixth grade when we played the clarinet together. We have been the best of friends ever since. It was really amazing how quickly we just got along and really understood each other. We are very different but somehow it just worked. She was also my first true love and for obvious reasons that never worked out but for years I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her. She always understood my quirks and all my oddities.

She went away to college and hasn't lived in Buffalo for any significant period since but we have never lost touch and have always stayed close. Though we don't talk on the phone all the time or see each other often, no matter what I ever need , I always know she is just a phone calla way. And when she comes back or when I go to visit her in Boston , things just fall right back in place like they never changed.

We can spend hours just chatting about everything and anything. I can tell her anything and she always has wise words or just is able to help me get my mind off whatever is going wrong. Whenver I did something to mess up my life in some way as we all know I am apt to do every couple of years she is there to not let me off scott free, she lets me know I was wrong but she is there to let me know everything would be ok and things would always turn out all right.

Over the years, I have felt like it was unfair what a good friend she has always been to me and I don't know I can ever be the same to her. I am just not that person. SHe is the one that knows what to do , how to handle any situation, lights up any room and just makes everyone feel better. I have many amazing friends but I don't think there is anyone else who I turn to faster when I need someone to listen and give me advice...or go to the Taste of Buffalo with..we really are the best Taste of Buffalo partners. We have lots of rules but really it makes it the best experience.

I cannot wait to see her this weekend!

We also take really good pictures together and that is important in itself haha. Here are a few from facebook :

so sad..