Ahh the elusive perfect couple, Well not so elusive in my mind I guess. It's been a current topic of conversation as I have, against my better judgement told a couple that they were one of my what I call Perfect Couples. I don't know it is something I have always done like for years, I just see couples and they seem perfect. They have to be couples I don't really know and are usually a couple that I will see like once but sometimes more often and I get to know a little about them but the thing is the more I get to know generally, then the less perfect they become. They are perfect based on looks alone, well not like how good they look, but how well they seem to act and go together and how much they appear to care for each other. It usually isn't a problem about finding out more about them since they usally are complete strangers. I'm not sure why I have this strange obsession with perfect couples and I know some may think it is unhealthy and that I can't accept any relationship because I expect it to be perfect but that is not true. I don't expect it for myself, these people are just extraordinary examples of couples, it's not what I expect. It's weird, it is more like I want to be adopted by the perfect couples, not adopted in the sense that they would be my parents really , just like join them but not in liek a be a three person couple kind of way either. More in like wow they seem so perfect and fun and I want to know them better. But there lies the crux of the whole situation, if i get to know them better chances are they will lose their perfect couplenss. So is it better to try and know these people who seem great or is it better to let myself go on believing they are perfect and never find out more? Usually the issue is decided by the fact that I only see the people once in my life.

Anyway, so I told a couple they were the perfect couple, and they were basically strangers, well no not really, but we aren't like friends or anything, they are just people I know and have seen like twice. Like they seem nice and liek I would enjoy talking to them and stuff but I think I become almost overbearing because I become almost overinterested becasue they are one of the perfect couples. I mean, it is not like I would most likely ever become like good friends with them or anything but just like even to just say hello or have a like normal person conversation I always fear they are thinking , "he is crazy". I don't know. I guess in reality this is not really an issue, its just something I think about a lot lately.

I think this situation a little bit ties in with my fear that no matter how old I am, I will always play the role of the annoying little brother who wants attention when it comes to my brother's friends. Like when I was young I would want to hang out with my brother and his friends cuz they were cool and older (by 6-7 years) but it wasn't liek I was hanging out with them liek we were friends but like I was the younger brother but like then that was fine and I liked it and had fun. I was the almost uncorruptible little brother who was a little too devoted to the Dare Program and the 10 ways to say no to peer pressure.

The thing is now, like even though we are still 7 years apart, it does not seem as major a difference yet around his friends, I still feel a little like I fall back into that little brother role, it is just where I am most comfortable I guess. I don't know, may be more on this later.

Not really all of them are resolutions but some things to try or at least think about in 2004:

1. Is there other things for me and Jill to do besides go out for coffee? We are really wearing our coffee houses thin.

2. Give up talking to basically strangers or people I barely know like they are my good friends, or at least not complaining to them and telling them all my life problems.

3. People say I need to stop with my obsession with Perfect Couples but I think this is highly unlikely. It has always been part of my life and who I am.

4. Realize that Lifetime Channel should not run my life as much as it does now and that I am not a 40 year old soccer mom no matter how much I act like one. Yet vanilla powder will always be a great addition to hot chocolate and my eyes will always go wide with excitement when I think about it and the Golden Girls will always be there for me at least 6 times a day.

5. Possibly not overanalyze things and just let life happen. I think that is generally good advice that I don't follow.

6. Eat less fast food.

7. Start saving money for the apartment we will have next year that will rock so hard and will have a rainforest room, a cd wall, and an soft serve/hard serve ice cream maker.

8. Finally start taping the soap opera I wrote. Like seriously tape it, not just one scene.

9. Actually talk to people I want to meet and not use my current firends even though they are the best in the world as a reason not to meet any new people.

10. Exercise more especially now that i have the ear warming head phone things so i have no excuse to not run in the winter.


I guess those are all I will post for now, but we'll see more will surely arise as i think about it.

HAPPY 2004 EVERYONE!!! THAT IS CRAZINESS!! This is the year all my friends will be turning 21, we'll see where that takes the year even though i will still be a youngin of 20 until the end of August. Went to a party for New Years Eve at my brother's house. I had fun and I think my friends all did too which is good because I was nervous they wouldn't. It seemed liek it was on the brink of disaster right before we left to go to the party but we got there and it was fun!!! Everyone ended up going, like even Maureen and Diana and Matt who had previously said they would not so that was good and fun. The more the merrier in life!!! I slept until 4 today which I pride myself on not sleeping late usually but I didn't really sleep that well at my brother's last night and so needed to catch up when I got home. I realize I don't love whiskey but it works! Hope the New Year is good to you all!!! I brougth a camera and video camera to the party but didn't use them at all so hopefully I can get some doubles from my friends and post them up here!!!

Jack Sierk was the dad of AJ, my first friend and my best friend when I was little. He lived down the street and we were always together when we were young. His dad died this past week from a brain tumor and it really is bothering me. It seems like I don't want to say wrong, but strange that it is bothering me so much considering I hadn't seen him in at least 5 years if not more and may have went the rest of my life without seeing him much ever again. But it really had been bothering me and I wasn't able to acknowledge that I think and so it made me think I was just mad at other things. I think it is so sad because he was quite young and was always so nice and helpful and good to everyone. It was weird seeing AJ at the memorial service becuase he was like a stranger and yet so famililar. I really feel bad for him and his brother and his mom, it must be really tough for them, but from seeing all the people at the memorial serice, I"m glad that they seem to a good base and group to support them and love them. The writing on the back of the memory cards was particularly good I thought and appropriate for him and I just wanted to write it here:

Fill not your hearts with pain and sorrow, but remember me in every tomorrow. Remember the joy, the laughter, the smiles. I"ve only gone to rest a little while. Although my leaving causes pain and grief, my going has eased my hurt and given me relief. So dry your eyes and remember me, not as I am now, but as I used to be. Because I will remember you all and look on with a smile. Understand, in your hearts, I've only gone to rest a little while. As long as I have the love of each of you, I can live my life inthe hearts of all of you.

I recommend that when you are in a bad mood, let it cool before you go telling people what you think. I usually follow this advice especially since I usually do not actually feel how I thought I did at the moment and by the next day am not mad at all. But lately I seem to be not waiting it out and that is bad because I say things I don't mean. That's all for now.

So in about one year I will be out on my own. Well in an apartment with MaryKate. I hope it all really happens, as we are quite the planner but not generally so good at the execution of our plans. But we did go looking at home supplies and stuff when we went shopping today and found stuff we need. For instance, the thing we realize we need most of all is an ice cream maker that makes both SOFT AND HARD ICECREAM!!! How amazing is that? Oh and we need a spice rack. Then it got even better. At my godparent's tonight, my cousin Jenny said that we can have stuff like a microwave and blender from her because she jsut got married and sot heyh have two of everything now from their separate apartments. That will be an awesome saver of money for us!
So lately, I've had this tendency to tell people that are almost complete strangers all my problems and life story, like not people on the street but people I barely know. Its strange and I used to think Teres was so starnge cuz of that and I think I have taken it to a new level of weirdness. I don't know why, it just seems appropriate someitmes when you want to vent to someone that is complmetely not invovled in anything like only a basically starnger can be. So if anyone thinks why is this kid telling me stuff and I don't really know him just tell me to shut up. Chadi!

Saved By the Bell DVD, what more can a kid ask for? Well this was a good Christmas, 2 days of fun with the family, well 3 actaully because we went to my other cousin's tonight. I got a cd burner so now I can make fun soundtracks to my movies and make copies for everyone. And I got a light up Eckerd like for those Christmas villages. ALl in all a good year. Not too much snow though, Chrismtas Eve had like no snow so it was not very christmassy looking but it was ok, it made easier travel. Christmas Day had some snow which was nice but this like nice weather is making me think Global Warming is more than just a future possibility. Tomorrow we are doing secret santa with my friends, well it is not so secret since everone basically knows who everyone else has but still it sohuld be fun.

My Christmas update will be coming soon, prolly tomorrow but right now I just want to say, don't tell people you can't really trust anything! Plus, foudn out some info I rathe not have known.

So today is Christmas Eve and I am super excited! I love Christmas and Christmas Eve is the bigger celebration for my family where we go to my Aunts and see everyone. I think it will be lots of fun. I finished my shopping today, I just had one last thing to get and now I am done well except one more thing I have to get. Can I just say that Target is the most efficiently run store in the world. Although there were about 82,000 customers each with 2 carts worth of stuff, I was only in line for about 5 or 6 minutes. And the workers were cheerful. It was great. I found the thing I was looking for hiding behind some other ones that were the wrong thing which was exciting because I had thought it was sold out. Ok well I have to go to Church now so MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

So this is my self loathing entry. I just have been a little aggravated lately with life. I am getting sick of work and everything. 20 hours in two days right before Christmas when we are crazy busy is too much. ANyway that is not why I am really mad. Like do you ever have the perfect opportunity for something and then you ruin it or just don't go for it because you are just dumb. Well that's how I feel lately. Like I just let everything pass me by and the most glaring example happened the other day and it just aggravates me and why can't I be like a normal human being and not be comnpletely afraid of everything. Do you ever regret like just leaving instead of dealing with something. Grr.
Side but sort of related note. I have been thinking lately that I would not wish myself on anyone. I was thinking I would make a terrible person to date. I'm not a big complimenter, self-esteem builder, and I have tons of issues and phobias and ocd-like issues and I don't have like super hotness that would cancel those things out. I really think if I really liked someone I would have to believe they were better off wihtout a crazy like me. Well who knows, I am just in a bad mood today, prolly toomrorw I'll feel different.
But hey everyoen listen to my new soundbite, lets just say it involves some of my favorite people, Blanche, Dorothy, ROse and Sofia.