i honestly don't talk about this so it's odd to be putting it out there for all to see, but somehow it's easier to type things than say them.

i know i've talked about meting my father and all that, but it's been almost four months and i guess i feel like to others it's old news. so, i just don't talk about it. i did see a therapist a few times which i really liked, and then there was the cost and time issue so i stopped going. i probably shouldn't have done that. i guess i just threw myself into school, and now eating right and exercise. this works for the most part because it keeps my day busy from beginning to end and i just stay in the moment.

i don't want to sound like a total brat because i really do have a beautiful life and an amazing family who i know loves me. i just really thought i'd hear from him by now... so i wrote this letter a month ago and never sent it. i think today is the day i just send it... i feel weak when people see me cry. i realize many people grow up without a parent, or have a similar situation but coming face to face with that person is such a monumental thing... i guess it's hard to explain. to confront someone who has had such a profound effect on your life, it's been so difficult for me.

i think there are so many times when we hold off on the truth because it's too hard to say, or we don't want to hurt someone. or we are waiting for that person to change into a better version of themselves. this doesn't happen, so the truth is always best, no matter how much it can hurt.

i will continue to smile and be happy no natter what, because i deserve this. i do know that not having a father has led me to make bad choices when it comes to dating and love. i give too freely and always seek acceptance. i decided a few months ago that i'm just not going to date for a long time. at least until i feel i am over this because i don't want to end up in any sort of unhealthy relationship. i suppose i did the same with friends too, because right now any letdown in my life is so soul crushing. i think (e:jbeatty) mentioned something like this and he is so right.

i am really hesitant to put myself in any situation where i am vulnerable because i risk the chance of getting hurt, and i can't handle that right now. getting a bad grade on a test gives me anxiety.

all of this, it's taught me a lot about myself and the person i want to be. i've thought about the mistakes i've made, and moving forward. i've spent a lot of time alone, and it feels good to rely on myself.

beyond all of the shallowness, vanity, and such i am stronger than i thought... sometimes i think where will i be in 10 years? if you told me even just last year i would confront my father in person i would never have believed it, but i did it and the worst is over.

anyway, it just felt good to put this out there. gotta get ready for work now. finding something an 8 year old girl and 11 year old boy agree to do together is near impossible. maybe we should bake something?

i won't let myself though because if i start i won't stop....

i want to eat pizza, chips, fried chicken, calzones filled with cheese and chicken, cakes, ice cream, mashed potatoes, cheesecake, bread, cheese, chocolate...

french fries, cheeseburgers, anything fried...

i am reminding myself this stuff i crave is no good. for the waist or the heart, blood pressure, just not good.

this is the first time i felt a really strong craving in the past month. i have started to notice a difference in the way clothes fit and look, i feel better in general. i will not give in to the food demons!!!!

ok, i am going to eat lobster and caviar in vegas.... but i am pretty sure my stomach has shrank and i can't eat as much as i used to. plus i am going to wear something fitted so i am not tempted to fill myself beyond belief. i want to look good at the club.

two days off the plan and i think i'll be ok. we also plan to walk and dance the night away!!!!!!

i have to go to bed soon so i can wake up at 5 to hike and then work. thanksgiving doesn't feel like a holiday... it feels like i have tons of hw to do, workout, cook all day, and then clean...

i honestly wish i wasn't celebrating thanksgiving this year... i don't want to be around so much food and wine. i also would rather just be lazy and eat hummus and veggies and take a nice long hike without worrying about cooking and cleaning. i just want to relax and watch movies...

My hike today was especially difficult...

Maybe because it was my third day in a row, or maybe I was going much faster than usual. Not sure... Anyway it was good either way.

Then I was late to work... The children I nanny keep getting home earlier and earlier. What is the point of having school until 3PM when the buses leave at 245? Their mom will have to figure this out because my classes and internship don't end until 245 and I am tired of speeding and risking my life to get here on time.


I just applied for scholarships, grants, and extra loans. I am saying a prayer I get some financial help because it will be near impossible to work next semester. I am doing well now but that is because I have a very strict schedule and little to no free time or social life.


I was so out of breath!!! If you can see the winding road way down at the bottom, that's where I started.

i woke up at 10 or 11 today.... this hasn't happened since,

well i am not sure. then i had coffee, breakfast, and shopping for thanksgiving food.

i came home and painted my nails, finally. the toes are next... i also attempted to watch green lantern and that movie is such a corny piece of crap i turned it off...

i went on my 4 mile hike. i made my best time yet, 75 minutes up and down and i even stopped to rest a few times. now i feel kinda sore and sleepy.

i am loving the colder weather, makes me want to cuddle up in blankies and comfy clothes.

i didn't do:

laundry

homework

anything else.

what a great relaxing weekend.

for (e:tinypliny).... the polish is already kinda messed up but oh well.

it's a mix of grey and purple...


eating right and making time for fitness is really a challenge, but i feel so good about it. i guess i'm making an entire lifestyle change. feels good.

does anyone else find school stressful? i think that's why it's taken me so long. i'm tired of getting up at 5am.... and i'm tired of writing, and then writing some more.

i want to paint my nails!!!!!!!!!!! this weekend i am going to:

clean

do laundry

hike

circuit train

sleep

paint nails

sleep

do homework.

tomorrow i have to get up at 5am, try to hike, intern, work one job, then another job. 8am-1030pm... longest day ever. boo.

apparently the people from the restaurant are supposed to call but i am so over it. who runs a business like that? apparently lots of people... i really just don't want to work anymore until i graduate. it's so confusing and busy... probably why i am so stressed and have zero social life.

to all young people. go to class and don't screw it up the first time around and then you won't have to be old and unaccomplished like me.

if there is one thing that i absolutely cannot stand it is being ignored, or being avoided. the manager from the restaurant i started at called me off on sunday because it was going to be too busy?! ok, so then she said she would call me monday. no call. so i called her, it is now wednesday morning and still no call.

it is safe to say i am done with her and her shady ways. if you don't like me or want me to work for you, just tell me. i won't cry, unless you really yell at me and call me worthless0 then i might cry.

the icing on the cake is she is getting married this weekend and asked me to cater at her wedding, yeah right lady. i bet she will call friday or something... idk i don't care for her ways but the money would be good.

really, if you know me and you avoid me or have before, you know this is not a good idea. why can't people just face each other and say what they have to say in an honest way without being intentionally hurtful and then move on?

so, it was such a waste of my time to fit that endeavor into my schedule. seriously, i don't like my time being wasted. i'll figure something else out, i can be a nanny on the weekends i am sure. really working with children is like my calling because there is never a shortage of children and parents who seem to really love me. i'll take this as a sign!

i got on the scale and it says i weigh 3 lbs more. i think it's water weight but it's irritating me.

i need to hike and i want someone to just call or text me and say, "you can do it." just for that extra push.

it's the end of the semester and i am lacking enthusiasm for any type of school related activity. i can't wait to just have a break and do nothing but work, work out, paint my nails, do laundry, watch movies, sleep, and literally nothing else.

my life is simple one these days, save for my vegas and blo trip which i'm sure will be action packed. life is better when it's simple... 2012 is the year i rely on my strengths to get where i need to be.

i feel like doing nothing today... when i need to hike, intern, work, project meeting, hw, laundry, cleaning.... paint nails(not going to happen). blah.

I swear my life is filled with these. I attempt to avoid people and places in order to lower the risk of these situations but they still occur.


Went hiking again today, was definitely more challenging than yesterday but I made decent time and pushed myself to the top.

So I ran into a former coworker on the mountain. Not exactly a place you can avoid someone... We didn't really care for eachother either. Anyway, we played nice and exchanged pleasantries and went on our way.


I'm so excited. I lost 10 lbs in about 3 weeks just by eating healthy and working out. I even cheated a few times. I can't wait to see how fit I can get. I feel great and I'm really proud of myself. :o)

Just did a 4 mile hike up and down scottsdale mountain... Cray-mazing is how beautiful it is, and how good I feel during and after.


Its seriously so beautiful. It reminds me I am blessed to live in such a beautiful place with mountains all around- even though I don't want to live here anymore. There are far worse places to be.

Hiking leaves me feeling so refreshed, its great time to think and gain perspective. Also, a great cardio workout.

apparently this corporation has been releasing toxic chemicals into the air for more than 30 years....

lots of people have unexplained illnesses, and it's right near where i grew up. buffalo is such a toxic dumping ground.

it makes me sick to think that people get away with these kinda of things, they know what they are doing and they continue to do so without any regard

On the swingset with my love who inspired me to become a teacher.


:o)

Now she's driving me nuts... Children.