happy birthday granny. i miss you so much!!

I keep wanting to post, and then sometimes do, but always end up deleting it.

My trip to buffalo was very short, but very sweet. Almost regretted coming for such a short time, but I had a ton of fun.

When I got back here, i definitely regretted going. I had seen my grandma right before coming and she was fine, and then i got back, and she seemed a completely different person. since last sunday, she has slipped further and further away from the land of the living.

I just breaks my heart to see her this way. Most of the time she sleeps, and can't really talk much, she is too weak. We didn't think she would make it through the weekend, and I guess she was up this morning, and had a surge of energy. She wanted some coffee and sherbet, and milk. I fed her about a spoonful of sherbet yesterday afternoon, and all she has eaten in 8 days amounts to about 5 spoonfuls of sherbet/yogurt. She really can't drink, except to have it fed to her with a spoon, and a little sponge.

My family seems to be falling apart before my eyes, with constant crying and insanity. Everyone is drinking and self-medicating non-stop, and I fear the only sane one is my mother and perhaps my one aunt.
I knew it would be like this, but it is entriely another thing to watch it unfold.

I have been spending as much time with my grandma as possible, just sitting with her. I am not sure she recognizes me anymore, but when she wakes up, and looks over, I just tell her than I am here, and it is ok. I know she is waking and wants to know she is not alone; I would feel the same way.

I think at first I was in shock, and didn't really let myself cry. Then I broke out in hives and began to get sick to my stomach. After two days, I saw her and just let myself be upset, and I think it will be ok now.

My biggest concern is making sure my mother is ok. I know she will be, but my heart gopes out to her, because i cannot imagine being in a family of 10 and having the responsibiltiy she does of helping in a huge way to keep them all together.

I know all families are nuts, but if you know Tennessee Williams, and you have seen any of his plays, put my aunts and uncles and cousins in, and it would be his sorrowful, dramatic, story-telling to a T.

The funeral is in Buffalo, and I don't know if I will go. I have been here to see my Grandma and say my good-byes. I just don't know how much more of the crazyness I can take. but that will be decided when and then.

And i will end this post with a positive... I have been seeing someone for over a month now. Someone I actually have fun with. And he calls to see how I am, and listens when I talk. Aww.

xmas tree(cactus), is my dear dear little old granny.

she is really really sick. she can't come home from hospice. she hasn't been doing so well.

i am not ready to say goodbye. i love her so much, and she is so important to me, and there isn't enough time, well for everything.

just seeing her laugh or smile, makes my day. and i feel so awful for not seeing her as much as i should have.

so, i don't want any presents, i just want my grandma for xmas. that cute little granny, under the tree.

i have always been so close with her, its like we are soulmates. we connect, and we had the same bedroom growing up. when my grandma was a little girl, she had the same bedroom as me! and her little best friend grew up in the same house as mine!

what will i do without her? what other cute little old lady will i have to joke with? who will teach me more about the art of apple pie baking?

this makes me so lost.