i need a trip, some inspiration, and escape, something.

(e:hodown) is coming along...

was thinking guatemala, but i think my final decision is jamaica. we can go relatively inexpensively...

there's a local culture there, and it's a jungle environment. the beaches are beautiful and the water is clear and powder blue. plus you can drink rum drinks out of a coconut. it's just what i need!

this summer basically sucked for me, and i have a feeling that now i am down things can only improve.

i'm very focused on saving money, work and school.

i guess maybe i am homesick, i miss blo, and the baby and my brother, and sister, and my boys. i'm going to come home and visit soon, maybe for my birthday... but soon for sure because i need that baby to give me hugs and kisses!

momma ho made cupcakes. omg so good! the daughter of a patient at the hospital made them and i begged for the recipe and the moms made them and now we have cupcakes galore and i am going to have tummy ache!

ok, and i would also like to say, i like anything with rainbow sprinkles, them make all things prettier and better tasting. if you ever have some num nums that aren't quite right, you need to load it up with those rainbow sprinkles.

since i always lose my little pieces of paper with lists, i decided to put my to do list here. that way it cannot be lost!

1. actually get up when alarm goes off loser!

2. work out

3. drink copious amounts of coffee, and eat yogurt and berries

4. print reports and timesheets for work

5. print fedex label for (e:hodown)

6. one load laundry before work, esp. scrubs

7. fold laundry you did four days ago, lazy.

8. go to kinko's to mail fedex package to (e:hodown) or be placed on sista probation

9. work

10. do not respond to texts from people who are on probation, even if they don't know they are on probation. you are still not liking very many people.

11. buy toilet paper and healthy lunch supplies for work friday on way home from work!

that should cover it. if i have time between jobs, i may treat myself to a manicure.

ok yea, wait there's something else

12. start twitter account because (e:hodown) has told you that you must. this to do comes with much spite. i really don't want to. i am so anti twitter and anti facebook.... poo.

i am currently being watched very closely by officer julie(aka my mother). she criticizes everything i eat. last night she said, "you have gained weight and you need to watch it."

ok, pretty sure i am the the same size i was two months ago... when i was working out daily and watching what i ate. for some odd reason, i have been super hungry all the time recently and have been eating whatever. i haven't gained weight. i have lost a little muscle tone. i think it's because i work so much and eat lots of veggies and fruits in addition to the bad stuff.

(e:hodown) and i are so annoyed with this. my mother has been trying to control my diet and exercise since i was a teen. i have never been overweight. i actually enjoy eating food. being stick thin like my mother is not a priority to me, i have a womanly body and it suits me. also, i'm pretty strong and i have a lot of muscle.

i just don't get why other people tell me how great i look, but my own mother is so critical.

i just finished eating a whole pizza. yea, i did. and i don't care what she or anyone else thinks.

glorious 1st day off in two weeks, pool time!!!!!! nap first!

1.5% raise like woah! i'm a baller now. i have 4 jobs, i have a problem.

anyway. why can't people understand the difference between their, and they're????? and then there as well...

i'm here. waiting for my cuz to pick me up and take me to le gas station taco place, best ever!

i miss my niece so much, i just want to cry. i'm always so happy when she's around. i really don't like babies much... but i love her sooooooooooo. she's such a crazy, funny, goofy girl, and just so adorable. i'm finally posting some pics of her fiirst bday. i would like to have you know i shelled out a ton of cash for that, and (e:hodown) helped of course. that little girl is going to leave me strapped for cash, because i have many grand plans for us...


she had two cupcake cakes. one hello kitty. one paul frank monkey.


petting zoo. there was also a pony.


the fam, and a little boy i babysit. he's in the fam now too...


the baby goat would not stop eating my dress.


zozo loved the animals! she was laughing and smiling, it was so precious!


too lazy to get back and rotate it. who dat?


now, who dat?


excellent form.


proud grammy, with her most prized possession. well, she doesn't own her, but she would like to steal her...

first of all, i finally watched avatar and omg, i loved that movie!!!! by far the best i've seen in a long time. it must have been so cool in 3d. i really want to live in that world and be blue and beautiful and connect my long braided ponytail to other creatures...

it's friday, and i'll probably be asleep by 9pm. was invited out by several people, but recently i just like being at home much more. i feel like i spent the past few months being super social, and i'm ready to really just relax when i have free time. i know in my last blog i said i was bored when i'm not working, but then i discovered the national geographic channel, which is basically the most amazing tv channel ever. i don't even like tv, but national geographic is so great. we used to have a million around the house when i was little, i think someone had a subscription and i remember how much i loved the beautiful photos and the articles were always so interesting... i think i am going to buy a subscription tomorrow.

i'm supposed to go out tomorrow night, and i really don't want to. i have to spend most of sunday with various children at 2 different jobs and being super tired and watching children does not mix at all.

i think i should feel like a loser, but i have been trying to save money and help my mom out more. this recession really hit the housing market hard here. if there is one person who deserves anything from me, it's my mother. she drives me nuts sometimes, but it has actually been amazing having her around the past three years. i have some big shoes to fill...

i am dreaming of having all of my family in the same place for xmas this year, including that baby. i miss her so much.

night peeps!

I have been wanting Indian food for so long!!! It is my most favorite in the whole world!!!

My next day off is Tuesday and I am determined to stuff myself full of delish naan and curries. Currently searching yelp for the best in the valley.

I will drag my lil cuz along and even drive and pay for her if I have to...

Samosa... I love you so!

so here's the thing:

i over-analyze everything in my life, including people and situations, relationships, moments.

anywho, i started wondering about change and people. do we just become better or worse versions of ourselves, or do we actually change?

i guess i would say i have changed quite a bit, mostly for the better. my biggest vice would probably be that i love gossip and talking way too much. there are situations where silence really is golden and i feel like i just continue to talk way too much about meaningless things that are none of my business.

the changes for the better would be that i know myself better now, and have more confidence in the direction i am headed in. i'm not afraid to be alone, or be lonely. i don't feel like i need to be popular and have everyone like me. i just feel stronger in general.

but, is this just a more mature version of me, or did i get rid of some of the bad things?

i look at people i have known for a very long time who seem to be the same just older, and maybe a wrinkle or two. then there are others who seem to have fallen from their pedestal to become a very sad weathered version of who they once were.

how much of the choices we make affect who we become? do our lives have some sort of path set out that we have less control over than we think, or do our actions set the path...

i would say it's probably a bit of both.

i was bored at work today, had a lot of time to think.

i just wonder if most people have this vision of what they want from life, and if some people eventually let that go and just settle for something less lonely or more convenient.

i feel like so many amazing things are possible for me, and my life is pretty great right now... but i never want to settle. i realize i am probably not going to be world famous and swimming in designer clothing and diamonds... my wishes are simple for the most part:

1. finish my education.... this is the most important, because it will allow a much greater chance of the other things happening.

2. travel... i want more tropical, more adventurous, and more exotic destinations on my road map.

3. family. i already have this, but it would be great to see them more, and for us to all appreciate each other and get along(mostly)

4. love. any kind really. friendship, or romantic, or even the love from a child(which, sometimes i think is the greatest love of all, not the one whitney carries inside of her. she smoked crack and i don't know what love she is talking about.) i just want my life to be filled with any kind of love that is pure and honest. maybe i can just kidnap my niece? who's hard up for cash and wants to run an errand for me?

5. beauty. i hope to age well... this is think can be made possible by eating way less cheese and doing way more pushups. i drink water, and take care of my skin. exercise will need to be increased; greatly.

6. diamonds, and various other precious gems. i have started collected some nice pieces, and i hope for this little collection to grow greatly in the next ten years, by donor or self purchase, i don't care. i just want the jewels. and on a totally off note, wouldn't it be awesome if there was a nice restaurant where you could go and the would serve you like kings and queens and they let you borrow jewels and crowns and beautiful sparkly things while you ate 15 different kinds of delicious meats???? it's really not possible, but i'd like to think of it as pretty pretty princess, with steak and pork, and the like. basically, my dream come true and i would like to move this to the top of the list, but that makes me and empty person, and im trying to fool you into thinking i actually have a soul. jk, sorta.

and that's it. that being said, i am really going to try and get up t 5am for a hike... which means i should go to bed now. which makes me the oldest young person... who's trying to stay young.

So I think my sadness is mostly gone... Maybe I just needed sunshine? Oh, and a long chat with (e:brit)! ;)

Anyway, I seriously hope that brit is gonna visit, I miss her and we would have so much fun!

The children I work with have these scary new robot toys that walk around and make noises... I hate them, they freak me out. What ever happened to lincoln logs?