i am going to nc for my cousin's wedding mid may.

i haven't been there since i was 16.


i haven't swam in the ocean since then.

i also have an excuse to buy a perty new dress!!! i am going to wait until the week before, because hopefully i will look somewhat different/more fit, and i can buy a size smaller!


maybe a miracle will happen and i will regain a part of me that was lost when i stopped seeing and feeling the ocean. i miss it so much.

a reminder that i also have six weeks to get into beach shape! oh no!

ps. i have actually gained weight, and i'm hoping it's muscle. i look better though, so i'm not too worried about numbers.

i think i've decided to cut out alcohol. oh well, that doesn't mean i can't have other things!


ocean here i come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i am now fitness obsessed. i am wondering, what is my calorie intake supposed to be.

i read that you shouldn't go under 1200 a day. that's about where i am at, with like 3.6 miles hikes 5 times a week, and weights and all that mumbo jumbo in between.


i just don't want to be under the limit so i stop burning...



who knows???

i was just looking back at (e:paul)'s old journals. it makes me miss the old days. and also not miss the old days, due to the shitty condition of my life.


the only part of my life that could be considered any part shitty now is the act that i miss my friends. and everyone is so skinny here, that i now only eat fat free and salads, and hike a million miles so i can lose 15 lbs and look super hot in my bikini.


workouts are my new boyfriend. screw dates, who has time for that when you need to complete a 2 hr workout? maybe i can have workout dates now or something...


i think i will visit blo in june................



HOORAY!

im really sick of this whole wildflower, prettiness bloom that has hit the phoenix area. while the hills are alive with the sound of pollen, my head is alive with the sound of misery.

im pretty sure my massive allergy attack had led to a vicious sinus infection.


wtf??? i thought my allergies would be better here, and they have been, but now i am being attacked.

i think it's becasue we had a record amount of rainfall this winter, and things are now blooming.

this has foiled my hiking everyday plan, and i struggle to make it through the day.

i don't want to take antibiotics again, and pseudophed(sp?), makes me crazy and sleepless.


so, now i must ho find a natural cure.


i just read this thing about salt caves, and supposedly they are really great for breathing and allergy issues, but the closest one in still far...



help!!!!!


i will hike tomorrow morning if it kills me, i can't take the sedentary lifestyle anymore! (it's only been three days.)

i would like to live in a bubble.



this photo i stole online, but these are the same damn yellow flowers that are hindering my well-being. i hate them. forever. it's like i am constantly walking through a field of wildflowers, which i think is like number one on my allergies list, maybe even worse than cats. but i still hate cats more. i hate the flowers second.

so, i haven't blogged in a while. im preoccupied with life or something i guess.

i ditched the mormon, the way he spoke to me was not ok. plus, im prtty sure that he thinks women are here to serve men. f that. i will serve no one. ok, maybe my mom, but that's it. the rest of you can serve yourself.

everything else here is just dandy. im obsessed with hiking now, and try to go 5 times a week. it's an intense work out, and who knows what this mad fitness streak will lead to.

i love arizona.

i did not love this message:

"f you wanna some sex by webcamera, just wright me: cz1000 AT mail.ru and we will spend very good and tender evening together"


wtf? i never get messages, and now i get this? can someone send me a nice friendly message so it can negate that one? please.

here's a pic of the place where i hike:

i took this last year. i think it's a great shot, enjoy the festivities ya'll!

where everybody knows your name. and they're always glad you came. you wanna be where you can see, your troubles are all the same.

this pretty much sums up how i feel right now. what i would give to be around great friends.

i was supposed to go out tonight, and then my friend cancels at the very very last minute. this is lame.

i did my hair and makeup. i look fly. so fly to sit at home.

i need to be constantly busy right now. i need need need to. otherwise i have time to be sad. my grandma past last week, and i don't think it has totally hit yet. she was/is so important to me, and now she is gone. i feel so lost, and sad, and really like i need to be busy. my mom is leaving for like 5 days to go to buffalo for the funeral, and i don't want to stay here alone. i don't want to cry, because when i do it is so hard to stop.

i miss her so damn much, and i wish i could tell her how i feel right now, she always knew the right thing to say and how to make me feel better. it was such a simple beautiful love. to know that the person you are looking at, is looking back at you, and accepts you completely, and loves you, and thinks you are the greatest. you don't get that very much.

it's hard not to think i keep losing people i love, and i need to start gaining. i am so tired of goodbyes, they are too hard. i am trying really hard to not let it make me want to close up. but, losing people you love is so hard.

i hate broken hearts. i don't want one anymore.

i don't want to deal with the difficulties of romance, or the disappointment friendship so often brings. sometimes i feel like the only one who will never ever let me down is my mother and sister. honestly, i know this. they have given me so much, it is like no one else is ever good enough. no one else can ever meet that expectation.

i want to tell my granny about it. i want to hug her, and make her laugh. she would make it better.

i know it will get better, but it's so hard right now. it's really just the hardest thing i've done. to say goodbye to her. i want to pick up the phone and call her, or stop by, and bring her a treat. i want to tell her i love her, but i can't.

i think i need to go pour myself a strong one. and cry and hug my mom.

maybe i should buy some new shoes this week. retail therapy is a good short term remedy.

and i get into the hospital today, and my manager and the CEO pull me in to their office to have a talk. i'm thinking, "why are you bothering to ask me about my grandma, when you are about to fire me?"

well, i was wrong.


they pulled me in to tell me i am getting a $6 raise. hot damn, i love this place so much right now. not only do i love it, but i am now oicking up all of the hours i possibly can here! yippeee!

now, if i switch agencies with my other job and get a $4 raise, i'll be so money.


i am finally feeling like i am past that whole minimum wage thing, by a lot. and it feels good.


go me!

nothing beats a sunny 85 degree day before march has even begun...



i think the sun is getting to me. maybe not though because i actually spend very little time in it, but a good amount outside, just in the shade.

i can't wait til my little lady wakes up and we can go have fun times outside!

I keep wanting to post, and then sometimes do, but always end up deleting it.

My trip to buffalo was very short, but very sweet. Almost regretted coming for such a short time, but I had a ton of fun.

When I got back here, i definitely regretted going. I had seen my grandma right before coming and she was fine, and then i got back, and she seemed a completely different person. since last sunday, she has slipped further and further away from the land of the living.

I just breaks my heart to see her this way. Most of the time she sleeps, and can't really talk much, she is too weak. We didn't think she would make it through the weekend, and I guess she was up this morning, and had a surge of energy. She wanted some coffee and sherbet, and milk. I fed her about a spoonful of sherbet yesterday afternoon, and all she has eaten in 8 days amounts to about 5 spoonfuls of sherbet/yogurt. She really can't drink, except to have it fed to her with a spoon, and a little sponge.

My family seems to be falling apart before my eyes, with constant crying and insanity. Everyone is drinking and self-medicating non-stop, and I fear the only sane one is my mother and perhaps my one aunt.
I knew it would be like this, but it is entriely another thing to watch it unfold.

I have been spending as much time with my grandma as possible, just sitting with her. I am not sure she recognizes me anymore, but when she wakes up, and looks over, I just tell her than I am here, and it is ok. I know she is waking and wants to know she is not alone; I would feel the same way.

I think at first I was in shock, and didn't really let myself cry. Then I broke out in hives and began to get sick to my stomach. After two days, I saw her and just let myself be upset, and I think it will be ok now.

My biggest concern is making sure my mother is ok. I know she will be, but my heart gopes out to her, because i cannot imagine being in a family of 10 and having the responsibiltiy she does of helping in a huge way to keep them all together.

I know all families are nuts, but if you know Tennessee Williams, and you have seen any of his plays, put my aunts and uncles and cousins in, and it would be his sorrowful, dramatic, story-telling to a T.

The funeral is in Buffalo, and I don't know if I will go. I have been here to see my Grandma and say my good-byes. I just don't know how much more of the crazyness I can take. but that will be decided when and then.

And i will end this post with a positive... I have been seeing someone for over a month now. Someone I actually have fun with. And he calls to see how I am, and listens when I talk. Aww.