need to post about this. apparently i'm pretty boring now...

i chose to sleep rather than party.

at least i managed to look cute while there.... there were so many hot guys but i didn't talk to any.

probably because i was with two guys, and i'm lazy. for the next trip we need way more people... some girls so i'm not the only high maintenance one, and to be there on friday and saturday nights so paul and terry realize the cubs can actually be super fun.

i still had good times and i miss that beautiful suite.

in vegas i go all out with the glam....

starting with the nails....

why is it that employers think they can break the laws at the expense of their employees? the restaurant thing didn't work out, which is fine, but i've been waiting over 2 weeks to get paid.

i was informed my paperwork didn't go through, and given a number to fax my "stuff" to. first of all, what is "stuff". second of all, fail. they are being reported to the az board of labor. i have had many bad jobs, but never one where i just didn't get paid.

this is ridiculous... they don't even owe me that much so they could just pay me cash, but no, so they are being reported.

i also have an excellent case against a former employer where is was fired by discrimination and retaliation. basically my boss screamed at me, a bunch of people heard, including a patient,and then i was fired two weeks later. my boss told hr i made the whole thing up and spread the story to other employees. well, that's a complete lie, because one rn actually quit partially because of what she witnessed. now i have two solid witnesses and lies will be exposed. my hearing loss was also brought up, and i was blamed for a patient fall. i was never clinical staff, i sat and watched a screen. and since when are other people monitoring whether or not i have my hearing aids in? it isn't anyone's business, and furthermore, unless you have a hearing loss, you wouldn't understand the complexities of it and how it affects your hearing with or without hearing aids.

i was never given one cent of unempoyment, of which the state had promised me about $150, which is nothing anyway. all because i am a student, when apparently tons of people collect checks and just sit around all day. it isn't about the money at this point, but just revealing the truth and having my name cleared.

there's probably so many times where people aren't paid what they are supposed to be, or they are fired unjustly. i wonder how many people don't fight back because they lack courage or don't have the resources or know how. maybe i should go to law school...

i feel like i am on some sort of vindication streak... for me it's really about making a clear choice to not allow others to take advantage. i'm tired of people who abuse their power over others because they are selfish, angry, lazy.... and a million other reasons.

when i have my classroom, even in student teaching this spring, i feel like my number one motto will be, "always strive to do what is right". so many people are taken advantage of, or take advantage of others... imagine how different things could be if we all made a conscious effort to make good choices in all aspects of our lives. i've made countless mistakes... ones i am even still paying for, but moving forward i try to at least be aware and strive to be better everyday.

ok, done with this crazy rant about morals and ethics. it's just on my mind a lot lately. must go get nails done!!!!

vegas bebe!

i feel accomplished today....

it's a holiday and i've managed to:

make some very strong coffee, drink two cups.

call my sis and (e:paul)

clean bedroom and bathroom for arrival of guests

hiked 4 miles with my momma

made breakfast

did hair and makeup... i used take about 10 minutes total for this task and i spent about 30 today and it feels good to be glammed up!

i also fit into my skinny skinny jeans!!!!! i actually had a glass of wine and pizza last night... i guess moderation is the key!

my makeup and hair did... i thought the pink eyeshadow was going to make me look like i have a rash but i think i like it... i have so much eyeshadow but never use it because it takes time and i'm lazy. usually just do a swipe of mascara and that's it.

can't wait to glam it up in vegas!!!!!!

i forgot the lipgloss at first.... it's a must.

Just got one.


Who cries over this? Me.

i honestly don't talk about this so it's odd to be putting it out there for all to see, but somehow it's easier to type things than say them.

i know i've talked about meting my father and all that, but it's been almost four months and i guess i feel like to others it's old news. so, i just don't talk about it. i did see a therapist a few times which i really liked, and then there was the cost and time issue so i stopped going. i probably shouldn't have done that. i guess i just threw myself into school, and now eating right and exercise. this works for the most part because it keeps my day busy from beginning to end and i just stay in the moment.

i don't want to sound like a total brat because i really do have a beautiful life and an amazing family who i know loves me. i just really thought i'd hear from him by now... so i wrote this letter a month ago and never sent it. i think today is the day i just send it... i feel weak when people see me cry. i realize many people grow up without a parent, or have a similar situation but coming face to face with that person is such a monumental thing... i guess it's hard to explain. to confront someone who has had such a profound effect on your life, it's been so difficult for me.

i think there are so many times when we hold off on the truth because it's too hard to say, or we don't want to hurt someone. or we are waiting for that person to change into a better version of themselves. this doesn't happen, so the truth is always best, no matter how much it can hurt.

i will continue to smile and be happy no natter what, because i deserve this. i do know that not having a father has led me to make bad choices when it comes to dating and love. i give too freely and always seek acceptance. i decided a few months ago that i'm just not going to date for a long time. at least until i feel i am over this because i don't want to end up in any sort of unhealthy relationship. i suppose i did the same with friends too, because right now any letdown in my life is so soul crushing. i think (e:jbeatty) mentioned something like this and he is so right.

i am really hesitant to put myself in any situation where i am vulnerable because i risk the chance of getting hurt, and i can't handle that right now. getting a bad grade on a test gives me anxiety.

all of this, it's taught me a lot about myself and the person i want to be. i've thought about the mistakes i've made, and moving forward. i've spent a lot of time alone, and it feels good to rely on myself.

beyond all of the shallowness, vanity, and such i am stronger than i thought... sometimes i think where will i be in 10 years? if you told me even just last year i would confront my father in person i would never have believed it, but i did it and the worst is over.

anyway, it just felt good to put this out there. gotta get ready for work now. finding something an 8 year old girl and 11 year old boy agree to do together is near impossible. maybe we should bake something?

i won't let myself though because if i start i won't stop....

i want to eat pizza, chips, fried chicken, calzones filled with cheese and chicken, cakes, ice cream, mashed potatoes, cheesecake, bread, cheese, chocolate...

french fries, cheeseburgers, anything fried...

i am reminding myself this stuff i crave is no good. for the waist or the heart, blood pressure, just not good.

this is the first time i felt a really strong craving in the past month. i have started to notice a difference in the way clothes fit and look, i feel better in general. i will not give in to the food demons!!!!

ok, i am going to eat lobster and caviar in vegas.... but i am pretty sure my stomach has shrank and i can't eat as much as i used to. plus i am going to wear something fitted so i am not tempted to fill myself beyond belief. i want to look good at the club.

two days off the plan and i think i'll be ok. we also plan to walk and dance the night away!!!!!!

i have to go to bed soon so i can wake up at 5 to hike and then work. thanksgiving doesn't feel like a holiday... it feels like i have tons of hw to do, workout, cook all day, and then clean...

i honestly wish i wasn't celebrating thanksgiving this year... i don't want to be around so much food and wine. i also would rather just be lazy and eat hummus and veggies and take a nice long hike without worrying about cooking and cleaning. i just want to relax and watch movies...

My hike today was especially difficult...

Maybe because it was my third day in a row, or maybe I was going much faster than usual. Not sure... Anyway it was good either way.

Then I was late to work... The children I nanny keep getting home earlier and earlier. What is the point of having school until 3PM when the buses leave at 245? Their mom will have to figure this out because my classes and internship don't end until 245 and I am tired of speeding and risking my life to get here on time.


I just applied for scholarships, grants, and extra loans. I am saying a prayer I get some financial help because it will be near impossible to work next semester. I am doing well now but that is because I have a very strict schedule and little to no free time or social life.


I was so out of breath!!! If you can see the winding road way down at the bottom, that's where I started.

i woke up at 10 or 11 today.... this hasn't happened since,

well i am not sure. then i had coffee, breakfast, and shopping for thanksgiving food.

i came home and painted my nails, finally. the toes are next... i also attempted to watch green lantern and that movie is such a corny piece of crap i turned it off...

i went on my 4 mile hike. i made my best time yet, 75 minutes up and down and i even stopped to rest a few times. now i feel kinda sore and sleepy.

i am loving the colder weather, makes me want to cuddle up in blankies and comfy clothes.

i didn't do:

laundry

homework

anything else.

what a great relaxing weekend.

for (e:tinypliny).... the polish is already kinda messed up but oh well.

it's a mix of grey and purple...


eating right and making time for fitness is really a challenge, but i feel so good about it. i guess i'm making an entire lifestyle change. feels good.

does anyone else find school stressful? i think that's why it's taken me so long. i'm tired of getting up at 5am.... and i'm tired of writing, and then writing some more.

i want to paint my nails!!!!!!!!!!! this weekend i am going to:

clean

do laundry

hike

circuit train

sleep

paint nails

sleep

do homework.

tomorrow i have to get up at 5am, try to hike, intern, work one job, then another job. 8am-1030pm... longest day ever. boo.

apparently the people from the restaurant are supposed to call but i am so over it. who runs a business like that? apparently lots of people... i really just don't want to work anymore until i graduate. it's so confusing and busy... probably why i am so stressed and have zero social life.

to all young people. go to class and don't screw it up the first time around and then you won't have to be old and unaccomplished like me.