its so funny to see the little girl i work with get into rifts with her brother. they are 3 years apart and my brother and i are 1 1/2. josh and i used to be the same, and sometimes still are.

i can't believe he is going to be a father in just a few months.

it all feels so weird because no one really knows about it in my family and then my mom doesn't tell people at work, which is understandable because they find a way to make all personal information about any person a scandal.

and we can't tell anyone in my family because my mom doesn't want to deal with the gossip and whatnot. umm, aren't families supposed to support and love each other?

but, no one in our family knows except for my sister, me and the mom. i guess it doesn't really matter so much because the older i get, the more i realize i don't like very many people in my extended family.

it's really sad, because when i was younger i had such close bond with so many of my cousins and aunts and uncles, and it feels like with each passing year those moments just become memories of something that used to be.

i love them, but they is so much anger between my mothers brothers and sisters and so much disfunction and addiction. it makes my heart break for my mom, when the phone rings and you kind of wonder what family crisis will come next.

i care for my mother and sister so much, and although no one has done anything to hurt me, and i have always been shown kindness and generosity, many of my family members have done so many hateful and hurtful things to my mom and sister that i would rather keep the distance.

it all makes holidays kind of heartbreaking, especially with my grandma gone. i miss her so much. i try to hold it in, but sometimes i just get so sad and i can't hold back the tears.

i thought being an adult would be so different. life seems to just get lonelier. people move away and you lose contact with the people you care about and then you begin to wonder what it all means.

i wish my once favorite aunt could be the person she used to be for me and the mot the sad broken soul she is now. i wish my uncle would stop drinking and smoking and give me a call; i never see him since my grandma passed. i wish my aunts weren't so spiteful and angry and that my mom didn't have to deal with it all.

i guess what i saying is that i am so lucky to have my sister, and my brother too. he makes it hard sometimes, but i love him and hope that this baby is a positive change; that it will push him to be a man and wants the best for his child.

i could never imagine my sister and i going through all my mom does with her sisters. it feels so good to know that while a lot of things are lost, she always has my back. and her and my mom are the two people who have always been there. plus they think im funny and laugh at my jokes. and they like to laugh at me as well, but it's a small price to pay.

and this had nothing to do with this post, but there are bobcats in my
neighborhood and they are big and scary. i need a weapon.

so i feel like i have really set into a man eating pattern. i do get the short end of the stick as well of course, but i just really go through them like water.

i never hang with more than one guy at a time, for the most part. that's just wrong.


it's not that i don't find ones i like. but the thing is that i have a really short attention span, and if someone doesn't keep on me, i tend to stray.

i do actually really like someone right now. but i was kinda a jerk before, so i'm not sure if i'm supposed to be proving myself or what i'm supposed to be doing. it all confuses me and so i kinda tend to just give up after a while.

and then, if a guy doesn't call for a few days i automatically assume he's a player and get pissed and delete him.

i really wish i could just put it out there, but i am so fickle and then guarded.

i think it all boils down to that fact, that i had no real male influence in my life growing up and so i just don't feel so comfortable with men. and then the one serious relationship i had was kinda just a huge scam that i spent so much time and effort with when i should have been working on myself and not crying over a guy.

i really have never had more self confidence in myself when it comes to guys, but i just think that a lot of the time, it isn't even worth my time. and i have a really hard time opening up.

perhaps this is really all just a sign that i should stay single a while longer? it's not so bad, and i'm having fun.

but i do wonder when and something "right" will happen? and do i just not give anyone the chance???

after the last guy, i really think all my tears are cried out and in this sense, i have emotionally become a man. maneater.

ok, im off to glam it up for the country western bar. you heard that right. i refuse to wear any fringe or cowboy boots or line dance. i'm really only going because it's an excuse to spend two hours playing with hair and makeup and clothes...

in a perpetual state of blah. things seem to excite me for a very short while, and then i come back to this place.

i don't think it's depression, just a sense of blahness. and also the feeling if having all of the people i care about scattered here and there.

it seems the older i get, the farther away everyone and everything gets.

also, this woman told me as a teacher i will be doomed to a life of poverty.

i don't know, i know lots of teachers that have played their cards right and done well. i'm not looking to be rich, for now at least. and i thin i will be infinitely happier working around children all day.

that said, i am headed back to blahness, and some coke and pringles.

ps. a really great trick to lose 6 pounds in two weeks is to take a crapload of antibiotics and probiotics, at least for me.

it's acutally getting coldish here which means i can kinda break out my massive scarf collection. you have no idea how happy this makes me.

i need to find some winterish clothing, as i will be headed back east in a few months. i am going to be an aunt...yikes!

whiskey and beer...


a blend for true americans. not so tasty, but it's doing the trick!


yesamesh!!!


i need a break from birthdays and babies...

i am so excited!!!!!! obama!!!!!


but my mama is not. she says i am to blame for the reason there will be no money to leave me in her will. she brought the lolz, as perez would say.




but i am so happy.


i also learned a valuable lesson today... words do actually hurt, so if you don't have nice things to say, keep it to yourself, or share with drinking buddies. don't trust people at work, they will use the first chance they get to stab you in the back.

all that being said, i am going to work on being more positive and less outspoken; which for me is waaay easier said than done.

i voted! yay! how exciting, i can't wait to hear the results, even though the popular vote doesn't really count...

but it's exciting to see so many people out there at the polls execising their right!


also very important: i voted no on prop 8, or prop h8te.


notice the sticker!!!!!


ps. my wound is much better, almost completely healed!

what a special halloween.


turns out its mrsa.


i had it lanced. it hurt like a mother but its better now. now a second course of anitbiotics. my stomach is not happy about this.

the doctor said that i should be ok now, but what i have could have turned into something very serious if it wasn't treated right away.

im a little scared of working at the hospital now...

i had what looked like two bug bites.


turned into giant infection thing.


must wear giant bandaid.


can't sit on bum. ouch.

i really like her. i like the fact that she is so voluptuous and beautiful and not the hollywood standard.

and i loved her in dreamgirls.... she stole the show! that voice, that rack!!! yowza!


someone murdered her brother and mother today, and i can't even imagine how horrible that would be.


then having to deal with the fame thing along with that, it seems unbearable.

the stress is never on any specific person, and it is supposed to be a group effort.

well, eff that.


next time i am going to protest to work alone. because at this point, everyone else gets to take credit for my work.


it is also less time consuming to do it alone, rather than having to edit other people's typos and add in missing info, and then complete all of the other parts that are missing.

im pissed and im going to bed.