there is this girl in my block this semester and she is the sweetest, prettiest, kindest person. i have gotten to know her a bit as we have done a few projects together but it was mostly just superficial type stuff. i kinda spilled my guts to her the other day about some stuff going on with me and she was so nice to listen. today in class, she gave me the saddest face when i told her stuff wasn't going so well. she looked liked she was about to cry.

we started talking about the summer and she is going on this amazing 6 week trip to europe with her family. i think that is so cool. then she told me about her little sister and it really amazed me how strong this girl is. her sister was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer 2 yrs ago and just passed in december. you would never guess how much she is going though because she i always so happy and positive.

i can't even say how much i admire her strength. she makes a huge effort to be a good person and even though she is going through a lot, she still reaches out to others in need. it puts my situation into perspective. what i am going through is nothing like that...

i feel like the earlier part of my 20's was focused so much on silly things... there is a lot i just put away and didn't deal with and now it's haunting me.

anyway, my friend was telling me about how she can't stand to be alone and everyone deals with grief differently. i would say i'm the same as her. i just become a huge mess of tears and emotion and need to be around people that love me.

i feel like it makes me a bad person that the father who i found is alive and living in CO two years ago... i wish he was dead. i know i have to go face him but it scares me. i guess i feel like i can't move on with my life until i at least try. it's like i am mourning the loss of the father who was never there.

anyway, i have this giant paper, a video to make, another paper, a presentation, three finals, and some other make-up work all to finish by tuesday...

and two very important interviews tomorrow, plus my internship.

ummm... start with the resume???

I have been having the worst day. Worst week. Worst month.


Today kinda set me over the edge. To top it all off I was drving around the parking lot @ asu and couldn't find a space. when I finally found a great spot the guy was was parked there gets out of his car and comes up to my car. I opened the door and said "what" in my typical bitch voice and he gives me his parking pass good for all day! What a sweetheart, total cutie too. I need to start being less scary and mean. That boy made my day!

i want one so badly, but i don't think i'm going to get one.

you would think my mother would understand what a tough time i'm going though and she'd be thoughtful right? wrong.

where is (e:hodown) when you need her? oh yea, she's off in nyc working my dream job.

i also woke up feeling kind of sick.

i am considering getting my own basket... i also would like to color eggs. i feel like no one cares about holidays when there are no childers around. I am an adult child, who needs to be treated like a child.

where is the baby when you need her?

on another note, i can't believe the semester is almost over. i also can't believe that i have done surprisingly well considering the insane amounts of work i was required to do, while working f/t.

i am currently doing some evaluation of my life, and i think i need to cut back on work and luxury in favor of maintaining my health and sanity. i need to learn how to just relax... i feel like i have the need to fill up every second of the day with something and it's making me crazy...

the things i can't discuss are still going on, but i feel more prepared to cope with them now... plus i'm being very proactive about taking care of myself!

happy easter peeps!

I love Buffalo because now that I no longer live there I can go and just be a visitor. Right now, I would love to visit and see my family and friends because I swear I'm about to peace out on AZ for good.

This semester has basically been one giant bundle of stress and confusion and the past two weeks have basically sent me over the edge. I'm dealing with so many things right now, most of which I can't really talk about and the last time I even felt close to this alone was probably before I left Buffalo.

The hardest part is trying to smile and put on a happy face for school and my internship. I guess I always look fine but on the inside I am really hurting. I am currently facing two situations that are bigger than anything I've ever had to deal with and I'm so lost...

I'm supposed to go to the Nicki Minaj concert tonight and I love her, but I honestly don't even want to go. I just want to stay home and have dinner with my family. I just want to be around my mom because she is the only person I can talk to right now.

She is telling me to be a fighter, and she's right but I feel like I don't have the strength.

The really sad part is, while Buffalo is the one thing that would definitely cure my sadness, I don't think I can visit for a while.

When my sister called to tell me the news I was pretty floored. I didn't have a lot to say...

And then I cried for a while because it just made me so sad and every time I think about Josh the tears come back.

Josh you were truly a great guy, someone who I genuinely had respect for and always smiled when I thought about you.

I am not even sure when I saw you last and I find myself really regretting not staying in touch because now there isn't another chance to have a beer or dinner party or run into you on elmwood.

The memories I have of you are all happy so I will hold on to that... I remember having a dinner party for you and Jason at pauls's house and I made gumbo and my sister and I mixed up some champagne cocktails. Its probably one of my favorite buffalo memories. We all had a great time and you were so gracious, you and Jason both. You were always singing praises for my sister and I, and it was nice to know a pair of siblings who shared such a strong connection.

My sister is my best friend, as Jason was yours. My heart goes out to you Jason, and although I'm far away I will always be here for you as a friend. :o)

My mom tells me that it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all... I will remember Josh and like my sister said, Josh you will hold a special place in my heart.

My sister is
The ultimate Grand Puba
I'm still scared of her


In my writing assessment class we are doing a poetry unit and to be quite honest I'm no fan of poetry.

Anywho... I really have decided to DC my blog because its causing problems and I might start to use figment and write there or not at all.


The main reason I blog is for Paul, so we can keep in touch but ill just skype with him or call him or get him out here! Anyway, I don't care what people think of what I say however things other people say and do here aren't PG and that's what concerns my future career which I refuse to take any chances with. :o(


And I admit I love the drama. But ill keep it to watching and commenting on real housewives from now on since my life is already to full to handle any extra blah.

Was asked why I blog... Don't have a concrete definition.


I knew it had to come to end at some point but I'm a professional program where they have been stressing all semester to be careful with you put online.


Wasn't so careful in the past so I hired a company to clean up my act. It isn't so much my blog but others here I'm concerned about, controversial topics and all that ultimately affect my image as a teacher and while is isn't fair. It is what it is.



My laptop is being Le crap and my car needs $700 of work. Go tax return. No more splurging, just back to work and school and trying to not be a fool.


Assignments and tests galore and my bed beckons but alas I must plow through. Also my internship teacher is kinda not so good with the communication and I think she's upset with me...oh well I always call and can't get ahold of her.


Going to the zoo Friday should be fun!

Hiked one of the more challenging mountains in phoenix yesterday and let me just say wow.


First off I didn't feel too well, which is nothing new since my stomach torments me %80 of the time but I just deal with it. However having that and a challenging hike to accomplish is like woah.


My cousin and I we just got down to business and it was windy omg! Then started to sprinkle. Then started to pour and the wind picked up even more, I'd venture to say around 40mph. Then it really started to rain more and the temp dropped at least 10 degrees and that when the hail started pelting us. Then I fell, fell and hurt my ankle and knee and then fell on a rock that jabbed my bum, ow. Especially embarrassing because we had or purple and green hoodies tight around or heard and we looked like the purple and green teletubbies.and there was a handsome man behind us who helped me up and made sure I was ok and why do guys always look great when they are all grungy in sweats? Not fair dude. Then I somehow led us off the trail and down and cliff type area.


We were so cold and soaking wet and I think it was the most fun I've had in a long time. I know I'm a high maintenance girly girl but I like a challenge and since I started working out again I notice little changes and some toning and weight loss and it feels great that no matter how much your day sucks you feel good after working out- like therapy. plus then I just want to eat healthier in general and I'm not sitting around thinking about food all the time like when I had the dreaded mono that almost made me obese.


Its raining again today, will I stay in bed and study or go hiking?


Why am I blogging so much. Taking a bath and blogging is so relaxing, like chillaxing to the maximum.

My mom had a surprise for me the other night and it was a book with that title. She cracks me up.

She always asking how the gays are. Its cute she used to be weird about it but she really sees they are my boys for life and they really helped me get through the worst times. I forced (e:terry) to stay up with me as I cried and played Nintendo for about two months back in the day. And (e:paul), well he's my food buddy and always up for eating something interesting and delish. (e:) Matthew is the shy artist who appreciates beauty like me and (e:mike) is just the super fun witty socialite!


Is it odd most of my friends are guys and gay? I don't care because they are awesome and although they live so far now when I see them its always just the same...



went out dancing with my girls last night and the club became so crowded with so many nonclassy creepy people. I love going out dancing but some people should not participate in the dancing and just watch. Men also should not be making gross faces and grabbing when they don't even know you. what ever happened to a handshake and hello? I don't go out to meet dudes I just love being dressed up and dancing and being fun...


So much hw today and I'm thirsty and dying for gingerale and if you're reading and if live in scottsdale will you please bring me some? I want a concierge service.



One last thing... People still calling me khloe, as in the kardashian girl. I cut my hair... I thought that would help. Nope. Gotta start wearing my glasses out again. My friends boyfriend had a friend who liked me and was calling me khloe, what the heck?!

its not hard to see I'm a pretty whiny spoiled person. I complain, I can be lazy and selfish and I often have a pessimistic view of things that should be fun.

But everybody has their faults and its never to late to strive to be better.


After numerous comments from numerous people about my attitude I suppose its time to work on that. I should be grateful for what I have and not expect other people to supplement what I don't have because I'm capable of doing this myself.


As for blogging about others and my feelings I have zero regrets about what I say. I'm honest and this is my way of getting things out.


Anyway I'm dead tired. Just hiked a tough mountain in the rain wind and hail. It was frezzing and I feel and hurt myself a few times but I just kept going. No tears and no complaining. That's who I want to be, not G.I. Jane but just a stronger me who uses my strength as an asset instead of making excuses.


I lost some friends this week, but from that I learned I should keep some things sacred. I also learned that true friends are willing to forgive. So with two lost friendships I was able to learn from it and repair one which I ignored for sometime.


I do think life is mysterious and odd and painful but at the same time if we can find joy in the tiniest things that's what keeps us human.

So I'm working on being more tough... Was first told by my mother I need to toughen up and now it seems to be resonating in my ears still from her and others time. As my late grandmother would say, "its time, its time."


Gonna nap before a girls night out. Maybe ill hike the grand canyon this summer...