"i am officially a loser" written by Lilho on estrip.org

Category: crush

02/28/07 01:14 - 29ºF - ID#38289

i am officially a loser

i have an online crush. i know, i know. but it's fun, and who knows...

let me have my fun, i haven't had ANY in a long long time.

goodnight!

Permalink: i_am_officially_a_loser.html
Words: 30
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: moving

02/25/07 05:35 - 31ºF - ID#38278

leaving for good

i have decided that im going to move to Arizona. I've really made up my mind this time, and its not changing. it will be the end of an era, and im really excited to start a whole new life out there.

i feel like i have put so much effort into living here, with little gain, if any. im tired of putting out so much to get so little in return. i don't want to have a broken heart anymore. i don't want to feel betrayed by anyone. i will dearly miss the (e:viscos) , and (e:matt) , and (e:terry) of course. other than that, there is nothing here for me. i have a dwindling supply of friendships, and ties to anyone in buffalo, and find myself becoming more and more lost and depressed here each day. i miss my mother, and the good advice that she gives(yet i never take). i miss feeling happy and being out in the sun, and being around family.

get it while you can, because im not going to be around much longer (e:peeps).

p.s. im so sick of working overnights.

Permalink: leaving_for_good.html
Words: 192
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: work

02/22/07 02:14 - 34ºF - ID#38242

im a getting an award

thats right, something to feel good about.

im getting a "lifesaver award" from work for saving a client's life using the heimlich. isn't that swell!

now, if i could only stop coughing and sleeping. my mother has come to the rescuse and is sending anitbiotics stat. im sick of sitting here, but don't really want to venture out and hack up a lung in public, i don't really think that will make me any more popular.

my sister is really sick now too and has missed two days of work. i think it is fair to blame it on me. im really sorry (e:hodown). i think perhaps my new nickname "typhoid mary" might me appropriate.

p.s. i think i have decided to move to az...

Permalink: im_a_getting_an_award.html
Words: 127
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: location

02/20/07 11:58 - 38ºF - ID#38219

leaving new york

i got home very late last night. it seems nobody ever wants to drive me to/pick me up from the airport. i do it all the time, but alas, i feel that i always put in way more than i get, from anything or anyone these days.

i took a cab home, which was actually fine, because i was really tired and didn't feel like talking to anyone.

the longer i stay here, the more i feel like i don't have enough friends. or really anybody to be there when i really need it. its ok because i learned to be fine on my own, but it would be so nice to live near my sister, or mother and have a friend/loved one always around. i guess im not the kind of person who likes to be fiercely independant. i like knowing that i can get help if i need it. plus, i want to be there for my family as well. i miss them so fucking much i think it actually hurts.

i know i always say, im not going to stay, but this time i really can't. buffalo is such a small little bubble, and i feel like i owe it to myself to want/have more. its so clliquey, and gossipy. i can't leave the house w/o seeing somebody i know, and half of them i don't want to see.

the problem is, where to go? new york is amazing and has basically everything i love, however, i just don't know if i can handle it there. its so big and busy and crowded, and expensive. arizona is beautiful and so is the weather, but it lacks the feel of an old city, which i love. the jobs there are plenty, and the pay is great. i wouldnt be poor like in ny.

i have a huge decision to make, and not very much time to do it.

p.s. the site looks really nice (e:paul)!

theecarey writes at 04:02:37 02/21/07 - Comment #15888: if you are feeling the draw to go, then go for it. you've thought about this on and off many times, yes? I can say that the feeling doesnt go away. Dont worry about where you might be happy- you dont really know that until you try out a few places. Start with something familiar- NYC/AZ.. and keep an open mind from there. Life is an adventure, have fun!

ladycroft writes at 03:21:31 02/21/07 - Comment #15887: Wherever you go, there you are. You don't know what's waiting for you out in the world until you jump in it. While you will always carry your heart wherever you go, it is easier to move forward with your life when you're in a new milieu. Change scared into excitment!

jenks writes at 03:04:45 02/21/07 - Comment #15886: Sarah I have to say I agree with you. Not that you necessarily need to leave Buffalo, but that it's a very small town. That is one thing that has always struck me about this town- that it seems the vast majority of people here come from the area (or at least from NY), have never left, and have no intention of leaving. And then are mad at you if you dare suggest there are other places in the country/world worth living besides Buffalo.

And as far as friends/family- mine are the most important people in my life. But, I pretty much think that unless they're in within an hour's drive or so- they are probably a flight away. And if you have to fly, it doesn't really matter so much anymore.

So go where you're happy. And remember- even if you do move somewhere, and you don't love it- you're not stuck there, you can always move again.

Moving to a new city all alone is certainly scary, and difficult. But honestly I think the friends I have made during that process (all alone in a new place, FORCED to go out and meet people) have become closer friends than the 'automatic' ones (people from high school, etc.)

Either way, good luck, and have fun. But you are right. There is more to life than Buffalo. It's a big country, and I think it's silly not to try to get out there and see some of it.

joshua writes at 08:56:49 02/21/07 - Comment #15881: No, there is absolute truth in the sentiment that Buffalo is economically handicapped and is generally a miserable place to live half of the year. Theres nothing "stupid" in admitting that you are better off somewhere else, particularly when you've BEEN THERE several times.

So in this respect, Sarah is correct and certainly so am I.

jason writes at 08:53:58 02/21/07 - Comment #15880: You're right, now is the time if you're going to make a move. You don't want to wait until you have real commitments, a hubby (gasp!) or something else that would make it so that you really couldn't go.

I do have to correct you on something. I do not have my family here, other than Joshua. In fact, half of my family I know nothing about. You see your family about as much as I do, possibly more. I've lived away from my family since I was 18 years old. It's almost 11 years since then.

And when I lived in Jamestown I thought exactly the way you're thinking. This place is too small town. The people are small minded. I am bigger and better than this place. I can't be successful or happy here.

Really I was being ignorant, and I hadn't done a damn thing in my life for myself, even in Jamestown. I blamed my own problems, and lack of money or happiness on Jamestown, which is pretty fucking stupid and thoughtless. Josh talks this way all the time.

The irony is that I have never experienced the kind of unhappiness in Jamestown that I have gone through here in Buffalo (shitty girlfriends, lay offs, "treatment" at multiple clinics).

Do what you think you have to do for yourself and be happy. That's really what is important to all of us. It's good to move around and see different parts of the world. I know both Josh and I plan on leaving someday, possibly California.

lilho writes at 02:52:34 02/21/07 - Comment #15878: jason,

ive really only stayed here because im afraid to go anywhere else else. ive seen so many people move on and be much happier. cold and snow make me very unhappy and im leaning towards az, however, i think family is extremely important, and the members of my family happen to be my friends as well. as i say with most who think im just running away, you have your family here, and it would be much different if you didnt. no matter how much you dislike them, if they are around and you are here, you dont understand. also, a huge part of why i want to leave is for a better life, and brighter future. there is no such thing as clinging to family, if i was clinging to them, i would have left a long time ago. and personally, i think that buffalo for the most part, minus this website and a few other places is very small town and small minded. i want to live more than once place my whole life, and this is a great time to do so...

jason writes at 04:17:49 02/20/07 - Comment #15869: I think you need to give it more thought. You need to know why exactly you are leaving, where you are headed, and why you are going there. Leave if you must, but don't do it because you think your misery is tied to this place, because it is not at all a logical thing to do.

You've already mentioned things you don't like about both AZ and NY. I'm assuming you are considering either. Do you have friends and acquaintances in either place, or would you be clinging to your family?

If you go someplace where you really do only have 1 or 2 people, you have to be prepared to put yourself out there and make new friends. If you aren't ready for that you are going to be extremely unhappy, like I was in my first 6 months here on Elmwood.

(The real reason to go anywhere is to set yourself up for success in the future, and to increase your quality of life. It may or may not work because in the end it is still up to your own ambition and drive to work for these things.)

If I had to choose between NYC and Arizona I would pick Arizona in a split second. It's not even a thought or a choice for me, NYC is visiting material only.

paul writes at 12:51:46 02/20/07 - Comment #15864: I would have picked you up. I told you to call me back if you couldn't find anyone else.

brit writes at 12:43:46 02/20/07 - Comment #15863: yo ho! good to have you back

Permalink: leaving_new_york.html
Words: 333
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: winter

02/03/07 12:46 - 12ºF - ID#37980

this is getting serious...

i now have to literally force myself out of the house.

for one of four things:

school

work

food

entertainment

i wish the coldness to end.

wish it was more like this...

Permalink: this_is_getting_serious_.html
Words: 36
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: automobile

02/02/07 11:46 - 19ºF - ID#37975

miracle of life

i locked my keys in my car. this is the third time and less than three months.

i have lost way too many brain cells, or just wasnt born w/common sense.

either way:

not only were the keys in the car, but it was on. from 12p until 11p.

what a magical little car!~

Permalink: miracle_of_life.html
Words: 55
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: ethnicity

02/01/07 12:58 - 25ºF - ID#37951

i am officially hispanico

on facebook, i attract a new black man everyday. nothing wrong with that. i like the dark chocolate. im pretty much open to any race.

however, is it because i appear to be hispanico?

do i have the ghetto flavor?

i just think it is funny. first an invite to the threesome, now the ghetto lovin.

back to class...

Permalink: i_am_officially_hispanico.html
Words: 59
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: boredom

01/31/07 09:34 - 21ºF - ID#37944

really need to get up and do something..

i thought class was gonna rock today. turns out, there is some issue with the ta not getting paid, so our dyes were not set up, and we could not do much of anything in fabric printing. blah.

i keep trying to post all of these godamn pictures i have, but somehow, they are the wrong type of file or something, and i have to post one at a time instead of all millions of them.

i swear, if this weather doesn't get a little fucking better, im just going on prozac. i can't handle buffalo anymore. it is my goal in the next year, to haul ass out of this godforsaken city. help?

anyway, i think winter has just made me a little crazy,and im seriously counting the days til i get go to nyc and hopefully have massive amounts of fun.

(e:paul) we have to go to the gym tomorrow, i will pick you up @ 730.

p.s. my jbl spyro speakers will finally be coming home with me! my babies!!!!!!

Permalink: really_need_to_get_up_and_do_something_.html
Words: 174
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: sickness

01/30/07 09:54 - 16ºF - ID#37919

feel like crying

i could handle the coughing, the sore throat and tiredness.

i can't handle the earache i woke up with this morning. the pain is unbearable, and now i won't be able to go to class, which i can make up. but, i don't know if ill be able to make it to work. this would be the third day I've called in.

i need stronger drugs...

Permalink: feel_like_crying.html
Words: 66
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: life

01/25/07 12:47 - 13ºF - ID#37863

keep on keeping on

i think this qoute that one of my professor's gave me, is quite true:

"You are completely responsible for the choices you make. If you make bad chioices, bad things will happen, sooner or later. If you make good choices, bad things are much less likely to happen."
-John Rosemond

i am so incredibly excited about school this semester. art is definitely to way for me to go. im taking some pretty cool classes, like fabric printing, so i will post some pics when i have finished work.

not only am i taking great classes, but the professor of 3 out of 4 of my classes happens to be my friend's mother. this is fun and scary at the same time, because i feel like i definitely have to make a good impression. not to worry though, i will kick ass and take names.

i successfully joined the BAC last night! look out for a fit new me! i am determined to feel comfortable in a bikine this summer. and also the benefits of being shape will be nice too!

while i think i will really enjoy this semester, it would be nice to make a friend or two. it seems impossible however, because ECC really is just ghetto high school. argh.

i think i have a sinus infection, but my cure is to just drink it off.

au revior peaches!

Permalink: keep_on_keeping_on.html
Words: 229
Location: Buffalo, NY