beast, i always want to talk to someone right before i go to bed too. someone that will have pleasant conversation and give me kisses or hugs before i go to sleepies. ie, mommy, sister, boy.

i must go get ready for work. i really feel like i might throw up, great.

so, after a pretty rough day, i am gonna sit in the sun and swim. i think being this age is just hard no matter who you are. life is very exciting, and filled with new experiences, but very very uncertain. why are we so afraid of the unknown? have we been trained to fear uncertainites? i am going to untrain myself.

tonight, i will have fun. i will try not to cry. lisa, thanx for the kinda words. why do we never ever see eachother?

its been over a month now, the longest i have ever gone without seeing my mom. its quite possibly the hardest thing i have ever had to do. i am ao used to her always being there, leaving me notes every morning, and helping me when i need it. i even miss doing chores. i misss that the notes always said, "love mom", at the end. i feel so homesick that i can't even describe it. it is the worst feeling though. i guess im ok most of the time, but the feeling just gets worse when im around other people's families. it just makes me want to be with my own. i thought by now it would be ok, but i think its getting worse. i cry myself to sleep a lot. i constantly think about what i would be doing if i was in arizona right now. i'm really confused and the most unhappy I've ever been right now.

the worst part of all of this is not knowing what will happen in the next few months. i don't know what is going on with cosmetology school, i havent figured out the financial stuff yet. i don't know if i will stay here, even though there really isn't anyplace else for me to go. school is in west seneca, and i have to have a car to get there, which means all of my money will go towards the car. after this month, i don't have health insurance, which is just really scary.

basically, i just have no clue. its scary. i want my mom. i want to go home, wherever that is.



and that is what i have thought about every signle day since june 29th.

i was holding Basra, paul, matt and, terry's tortoise friend. we were bonding, having tortoise, eskimo kisses, and it peed all over me. the tortoise wet my pants and arm and hand. i squeeled, oh well, shit, i mean, pee happens.

first, i went to bed before 7 last night. i did not go anywhere, i did not talk to anyone; i just sleep. let me tell you, it was the best time i have had in a long time. sleep is great.

after a day of complete and utter torture, sleep was the cure. i can go about my day now with a better view on things. top be short about it, i work with emotionally disturbed children yesterday as my cute little down syndromw student may be getting pulled out of school by her psycho overprotective and paranoid 70-yr old mother who is working the system so she doesn't have to(more on that at another time). lets see here: i was kicked, slapped on the face, had my hair pulled, spent four hours listening to crying, laughing, yelling, and even quite a bit of screaming. one child tried to make out with me and started grabbing my chest. at denny's, they were touvhing other people's food; people at other tables. they were following our server around and grabbing various things from the waiter's station. then they all got up and started to wonder around the restaurant, while the teacher and other aide were cashing out. hmmmmmmm, leaving me with six kids, who wont listen to me; that was no fun.

now, caitlin, please come back to school on monday. i never realized how good the kids in my class really are. always heloing out. following directions. looking for work to do. they are so damn cute. i love them. i really do.

those other children, they are so bad. ofcourse, i am all for helping those who need it, but those other children, they were no fun. by the end of the day, i felt so tortured and used, that i felt like crying. i was crying. i had no idea what i was going into, but oh boy did i know when i got out.

as for all of this politics talk, i will just remain kinda silent. i am certain that the world will continue on its course and that we are just a small portion of the fraction at hand. we wont be around for much longer. the earth wants to be alone with the plastic, and im ok with that. i just want to be happy, and help out a little.


going to help granny by grocery shopping for her and cleaning the apartment!

apparently some people on this site have sadi some nice things bout me. that makes me feel all good inside. diana, im still laughing about the squaredancing joke. racheal, of course im still here, and im not going anywhere.

the theme of today is hot. school, hot. tennis, hot. now, hot. at least we got the rum n coke. im burnin up...

square tonight, hope to see ya'll down there.

:O) :O) :O) :O) :O) :O)

p.s. must eat indian food this weekend!oh, and not to worry, the new pic is just tina feeling me up; we're cool like that.

damnit terry, who sat and dip those little critters forever? three pounds of little chunks of fich and me. i dipped and dipped like it aint been done before. congrats to me.



the 40 always comes back to haunt me.




p.s. im excited about this week.

to:

• kiss fancypants
  
• be with family
  
• say im sorry to all the people that i have not been up to par with this past year or so
  
• hug the mommy
  
• laugh with sister
  
• find a better place for brother
  
• have an awesome fun night with my boys, paul matthew ,and terry
  
• spend a week at the beach
  
• get tina back from taiwan

• tell everyone who i love just how great they are

(goodnight)

it friday night. i'm staying in.

wow. this is huge. i remember the days when friday night was party night, but i ust don't seem to have that urge lately. maybe its because everyon who i would be partying with just aint around, or maybe its because im a silly, still-a-little-sick sleepy-head.

instead of going out, i will spend some time in my room; hopefully drawing, listening to music, and cleaning the mounds and mounds of clothing. i have so many things to wear, but i really only wear a few things. maybe i will be thirteen again and plan out my outfits for a week. i used to lay them on the floor like they were on me, kinda cute, kinda weird.

i feel like there are so many things happening right now, and it is hard to know quite what to make of it all. i have work to do, financial stuff to figure out, an apartment and roommate to tag down, car stuff(which is always the worst ever, i even put off getting gas until i have to), friend stuff, family stuff, work stuff, school stuff, doctor stuff...yea. but, i assume i am just babbling, and that all of you have the same exact things on your mind as me. i am determined however, to overome my fear of adulthood, and learn to face it all head-on. i will no longer avoid problems and pretend that they don't exist until they get so bad that i have to deal with them. i will just be a go-getter.

congratulations to it being the weekend. i've been a good kid, or at least tried to be. i am gonna go eat something right now, preferably something meaty. i love meat. i know its bad, but i can't deny my carnivorous instincts.


i hope p, m and, t have a safe trip on their canooing/camping adventure. guys, the christians are praying for you!

its only 20 to 7. why has this been the longest day of my life? not the longest day that is a bad day. it HAS been the longest day thus far, but the best long day. i would try to write something poetic about this, but i am not a poet. it would just be bad, god-awful poetry.

good things about today:

chicken in homemade sauce.
work.
people.
fruit.
baquette.
paul.
matt.
rachel.
valentine's.
sun.
flowers.

i would go on, no, i wouldnt.








i still am yet to use the spell check. incorrect spelling is the new black.