let's see... I just feel very strange right now, the same way I felt all last night. It's hard to explain I guess; it seems I am feeling a mixture of things. I will try to explain further. Have you ever realized that you don't quite fit in where you used to? The place and people that were a part of you just seem like they have no clue. That is kinda it. I don't like it. Maybe the tv just completely put me off. Dont get me wrong, I do sometimes indulge in the horrible spectacle machine, but never when I am at a reunion of sorts with people I never see. Are we that conditioned just just turn on the picture box, rather than creating some sort of entertainment for ourselves? I should think that I have stuff to say, and that friends would want to hear it. Well, some people are still in the little bubble that they came into this world in. No, the Gap is not a good place to shop, and I don't care about their stupid tank tops. I don't care about American Idol, and who is going to win and produce one of the most horrible records ever. The Swan is awful too, and why would you ever want to become a lab rat, and let someone completely transform you without having any say, or even being able to see yorself. The power of transformation should be self-given. Why do Americans feed into such complete bullshit?

Sure, I like to shop, and wear makeup, and dress up, but I like who I am, and what I look like. I am not trying to look like J.lo or Britney, and I don't want to. I am sick of girls who obsess over being thin, as if it will bring happiness and glamour into their lives. Guess what ladies, you will only look sick and hungry. Plastic surgery is just bullshit; we are look different for a reaosn, and I believe that is what makes us beautiful. When it all comes down to it,who the hell cares? Life is about finding people that you can love, who will love you back. Life is about trying to make changes in a world that is in need of change. Life is about laughter, and friendship, and finding your place in the craziness. Life is not about t.v. Life is not about trying to be rich, or the most hot, or sexy. Just be who you are, and like it. there is nobody else out there quite like you.

I feel better now. I just had to get that out. Two years ago, I would have never thought like this. I guess it is when I started to become friends with PMT that I started to change. I didn't change becuase they said to, and I take everything anyone says with great assault, but, they have helped me to use my head a bit more. I still have a long way to go, but I just want to say thanx. Without your friendship, I would be lost, probably, in the Gap somewhere.

Now I shall go rollerblading to burn off the extra steam.

i wake up at 530. my mom has surgery. i hate the hospital, i hate seeing my mom in an inferior position. i hate seeing her in any pain, it make me want to cry. today was supposed to be about her. we get home, after her operation, and everythig is going smoothly. i pull into the driveway, and my car is missing, my brother is not here. my car is missing, and so is my pearl ring. now, my car is at stake, and my ring is at a pawn shop somewhere. have i been that horrible of a sister? i honestly want to think the best of him, but how can i when he does this? the car, i am not as upset about. that ring means so much to me, my aunt gave i to for my 16th birthday, and it was the first piece of nice jewelry i owned, it was an heirloom, and held so many memories. now it is gone. i wanted to be strong for my mom today, but now i find myself crying and wondering how someone who sleeps in the room next to me could do something so awful.

My dear Tina,

All I know how is much I care about you, and that I simply wish for you to not feel this way anymore. I can't say I have or ever will know what it is lie to feel like you do now, but it sounds like the lonliest feeling ever. I love you,and I want you to know that. ....must take mommy to hospital, more later.

tina is coming back! i know, it's crazy, we thought she was gone for the summer, but she has come back to get some stuff. this means there will be a celebration of sorts, and of course, we should play spoons. when celebrating such a friends return, i feel that spoons is always appropriate.

"make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold."- when does a new friend become gold? tina, i think you have achieved the gold status.

i was thinking yesterday, while at work, about how everything, or many things in our lives are based around control and fear. It is the sick notion that sitting at the top of my work ladder, is a big fat ugly man with hair coming out of his ears, and nose, who relishes the fact that he has over 50 cameras in that store to make sure no one is stealing from him. You'd better not be fooling around, or idling, because Burt, "the Notarius" is watching. What a stupid, stupid, petty, rich bastard. That man makes so much money, and does nothing with it. He does not have any sort of scholarship fund, he doesn't seem to give to charity, he just seems fat. Maybe he buys only the best most fttening foods, with truffles in it, so he can mantain that sexy figure.

The strange thing is, that people seem to respect him, or think he is noble. Why can't we go back to the day when capitalism was thought of as evil? It is so horrible to think tht we live in a world, where our value is determined by how much money we have. Why is it that once people who were one day not wealthy, become wealthy, they become huge, greedy assholes, who only care about their money, and don't care that they have hair coming out of all of the holes in their head? I'm talking bout a revolution...when can we al live on that farm Paul?

Now that I think of it, teaching has become one of the only professions in which I think I could stand. It does not involve stores, or selling stuff. Kids are fun, and innocent, and just so much better than the evil adults.

P.S. Mike, there are no killers in your house, you are gonna be just fine. Tina has the same strange fear, but there are only so many murderers, and they are not just randomly hiding out, everytime the house is dark and peopleless. Well, maybe...

the flowers, they is perty. the theme of my day is tropical. just being in warm weather, and walking around in the sun, smelling the lilac trees, sitting in the garden. all of these just make life so much better. lets all make love to nature, oh yea baby.

ladies: don't use tampons. just don't use them. they might get lost somewhere in there.

apparently not i. for a while now, i have been having the most awful dreams. the kind that include people you know, and situations that seem so real, that when you wake up, you are not sure if that really happened.

here's last night's: i was coming home from work and parked in the lot next to my house. for some reason i wasn't wearing pants, and my brother and his friend were in the driveway, so i scattered to find a pair. i found some shorts, and these girls i know from high school suddenly appeared with many shopping carts full of wine. then this man(who just so happens to be this dude i was talking and arguing about art with at alle st hardware last night) stops the girls and takes them away for having alcohol underage. he seems tob some sort of ub person, who enforces illegal activites. in the dream, he made sense. he then decides to question me, and seems puzzled and bothered by the fact that i am pantless. i rush to put some shorts on, and then as i get out of the car, he decides to search my bag. i have pot in it, that i was selling for my brother; just a dime bag for some guy at work, and im supposed to give him the weed back when i get home. the ub man takes the pots and threatens all this stuff; i start crying and trying to explain that it isn't mine. i steal it back, he takes iagain, and this repeats for a while. then my mom and brother cme outside. my mother seems to know what is going on and at first seems angered, and then amused, but she nevers tries to help me. finally, i get out of it, and give the pot back to the brother. the end.

right after this saga, i woke up sweating like crazy, and feelin kinda pukey. its 730, i went to bed after 2, why am i up?

I hate being tired and wanting to go to bed, but can't. Something is wrong. Ce n'est pas bon.

The more I go out, the more I dislike it. I don't like being around people that are really drunk, or just any sort of drunk person in general.

Alcohol is ok, and I enjoy one or two drinks, but recently, any ore than that just makes me vomit. The thought of being drunk does not appeal to me, and I just feel strange after a while. I can't ever sleep that night or eat the next day. I guess any sort of love for alcohol I had is gone. I enjoy it in very small doses, and not that often. These feelings, I take as a blessing. Lots of drinking isn't good, and it just makes me feel bad.

I am glad it is summer. I am glad i'm not a dirty old man. I'm happy to have a brain. I'm glad I get to go to bed now. What a strange night.

Does anyone have a flower press? The plants are growing and I want to make pretty things with them!

the sun is just about the best thing ever. it makes everything more fun. sometimes i like to just sit outside and listen to the noises of summer, birds chirping, people passing, and the ice cream truck rolling by. mmmmmmmm, ice cream. the summer bringd this wonderful ray of light at the end of a long sleepy summer. it is almost like magic, and like my sister likes to say, love is magical, so the summer is filled with love and magic which are just about the two greatest things ever.
i still havent cleaned up from the party, i guess i should stop being so lazy and do that. i think i am gonna make some meatballs today, and pasta. i know, beef is bad, but i really want meatballs after watching that horrible show, "the restaurant" last night.