the new job, not the hotdog stand. the personal aide position doesn't seem to be the job i was offered. i worked sat and sun, woke at 6 both days, and worked my ass off, for the most damanding, unhappy, mean man ever. it seemed nothing i did was ever the "right" way. and he kept giving me weird looks.

sorry sir, if i don't know your 4 hour enema process. sorry, that i moved the paper to the left, my arm was sore from holding in front of your face for over and hour. i'm sorry i don't know how to lift you, shower you, make your toast right.

after all that ass kissing, i've been to reach the women in charge of scheduling, and i have not gotten one phone call back. that's two days.

i just want to know why i get fucked over with jobs like this so much.

i just need a fucking job. i can work. as you can see above, i can deal with most anything. including a lot of shit, and yet, i still seem to constantly get screwed.

plus, my mother won't get off my ass. acording to her i suck at life. i never do the right thing. i never have the right job. i'm lazy. this shouldn't be so hard. she always had a good job. she always knows exactly the right thing to do. she is perfect.

i'm going to visit her in three weeks, and now, i really don't want to go. when she was 22. let's see, she had an asshole druggy husband, and a kid, and no education. how does that make her better than me.

i'm so sick of everyone telling me what i need to do. maybe people should just try and be loving and supportive and put theirselves in my shoes. sometimes it's easy, sometimes, not so much so.

and to add to all of that, i'm the fatest i've ever been, and i feel ugly. that's a first. i need to be locked up and starved for the next three weeks. i'm serious.

i think tomorrow will be much better.

p.s. i'm being much too dramatic. but, would it kill to return a phone call? ugh.