every once in a while this house i'm nannying at makes random noises. i think someone is home, and then it's just this creaking noise.

i hate being scared.

i also hate that paranormal activity commercial with the little girl who is standing in the room looking creepy. i am so scared of it that when it comes on tv and i don't have time to grab the remote i run out of the room or close my eyes and cover my ears.

i want a filter on my t.v. that will bypass all things scary and only allow me to watch bravo programs and the kardashians. and abc, because they have the best shows.

this is seriously what i am beginning to think i have. i have had more falling outs with friends and family in the past year than ever before.

it's making me think that i am either a) a bad friend or b) i choose the wrong people to trust

i honestly think its the latter... i'll give in any relationship until i am pushed away.

anyway, i can get over most of it because i realize on a daily basis there are tons of loyal and caring people in my life. i'll have people randomly reach out to me and it's touching to know people care about you. for instance, these people i nanny for found out it was my bday last week and gave me a visa gift card. i think that's pretty nice... they pay me well already and feed me.

my cousin is avoiding me and i have no clue why. she's turning 21 soon, and i thought she would want me to take her out. she also lives a few minutes from me, and we never see each other. oh well, i tired to make plans and she brushes me off so i feel like it pointless to push someone to want to be around you when they obviously don't.

maybe i am just to honest for most people. i say the truth, and people say i'm being mean. but is the truth really mean or just something people hide from? i'll be the first to admit my flaws... i'm over-sensitive, picky, bratty at times, and no good at saving money....

i let a friend of a friend borrow money a few months ago. she is a single mother and she needed help. big mistake. now, i am out my money and won't ever get it back. annnd no longer have that friendship because i was honest and told my friend i didn't think it was cool she was letting her still married with a kid bf move in with her and her friend who has a child.

why do people bring children into this world and not care for them and give them the best??? if i had a child, i would change my lifestyle completely and want to make sure they had the best life possible... i wouldn't leave them in another city and state to go live with a person when i was still married to my supposed ex.

i guess i have too many opinions... but i am not changing that anytime soon. i just think people should be less afraid of holding the mirror up because then maybe we could all have normal loving relationships instead of hiding behind our behind and pasts that we don't deal with.

just saying.

i'm well on my way to getting all a's this semester and while i am knee deep in work, it feels goods to be accomplished. that and graduating magna cum laude well look good for grad school.

almost two days of staying off my feet has done wonders for my leg. maybe i should start doing the jillian micheals ab video to prep for vegas while i wait for my leg to completely heal? (e:paul) and (e:terry) will be there in a month and im going out to meet them. words can't express the excitement i have... almost like my heart will burst from having too much love for them!!!!!!!! i get so excited when people come out here because the only who ever does is my sis.

if you are still reading, you're a fool because at this point i am just blabbing. i have to work until 3am and staying awake is super hard because i am usually in bed by 10.

i just watched suckerpunch and i really liked it. the makeup and costumes are so cool. i want to be one of the girls from the movie... they are all so pretty and they do awesome stunts. i love this makeup... i want to do mine like this in vegas.

she really has the prettiest face.

really. uh my mom has been gone for almost two weeks...

i am scared of the dark.

finished writing a paper on dyslexia and teaching strategies at 12, and now its 230 and i'm not tired.

note to self: no starbucks after 3pm.

anyway, im so tired of being home but my injury kinda limits what i can do. here's what i can do: sit and do school work with my leg elevated, write papers, eat, watch t.v. and movies, paint my nails, listen to music...

this is all getting old and so am i. i can't wait to work out again... considering that's how i ended up this way. the meds the dr gave me prevent me from drinking at all... and they don't even help with my pain. i've never had a messed up calf and it's beginning to worry me. me calves are probably the strongest muscle i have.

anyway... i'll just surrender and go to bed. and wake up and do more school work.

suma cum laude here i come!

File under: this hurts.


Asu is an unforgiving campus for those who aren't good walks. I usually love walking around campus... This week not so much. Health services is conveniently located as far away from parking as possible and somehow my ankle injury has turned into a calf contusion?

My whole lower left leg hurts... My calf is all bruised. Hopefully this will resolve in a few more days because sitting around is getting old. I need to get to the gym...

I also have 5 hrs to write a 7 page apa format research paper. I heart perrla.

Is exactly what I am currently against...

But I kinda promised to go to this bachelorette party. I'd really rather go home and read or watch TV or stare at the wall.

What do you expect from such a glamorous and stylish lady? Glamour gets you nowhere with love. Down with love and having your heart stomped on repeatedly.

I'm all for love only if I can have a million dollar wedding and that crzy azn man from rhobh to be my wedding planner.

And I want break dancers and a bounce house. K thx.

I forgot to mention there will be food and at the party... Free food will always lure me in. No other way I want to be stuck in a roomful of giddy women unless its for designer swag...

i have so much school work to do... and it's hard to focus. i do however hand in some pretty impressive last minute stuff.

so, this past weekend:

• my sister forgot my birthday for the 3rd year in a row. i was mad but i'm over it because i love her and she was sick. plus my gift is on it's way and it was fun to have her stalking me all day apologizing.

• about 10 other people forgot my birthday, which i am really not happy about. it just hurts when you've reached out to people and it's clear that they soul less users who don't care.

• i went rock climbing and i fell about 12 feet and messed up my foot and possibly my leg... waked on it a bit today and then it kinda blew up and started hurting. walking around campus and sitting in class will be super fun tomorrow.

• a few people remembered my bday who i didn't even know would.... an ex, and my aunt and uncle. i don't have a fb so this is impressive.

• my aunt and uncle sent me an amazon gift card, you can buy a lot for $80 on amazon. i bought batteries, mascara, lipglosses, blush, a dress, lip tint... kinda amazing. it made me feel really special that they did something so nice for me.

i also feel like the most ridiculous person in the world to still be upset that i haven't heard from my father. if you are seeking out a long lost parent, my advice to you is don't do it. it will suck like none other and rip apart your insides. i rote a pretty scathing but classy farewell letter to him which will be mailed off once i procure a stamp. i actually have some stamps with my sister's face on them and i was thinking i could use those as a sort of ironic twist but i don't think she'd appreciate that.

asu and iteach az ha decided to refer to our student teaching as a "residency". so, it's like we are md's or something without the paycheck or any paycheck. i may end up on the streets begging for food/money.

i realized i finally have thanksgiving off, first time in three years. im going to cook for a bunch of people and i'm hoping to feel lots of family love that day. i need it badly.

i miss my brother and sister so much, and i know i say that all the time but i'll keep saying it until i see them next.

my little cousin is turning 21 in a few weeks, and i have a wedding to go to and it should be a good time. i'm more concerned with what my look will be, rather than the whole marriage thing because i barely know the people.

why can't i have my own reality show? i'm dramatic and i like glamour...

see... an example of both. a glamour shot. and then drama shot- from white water rafting in co which i kinda despised the water was cold and you couldn't carry makeup or lipgloss. i'm more into sailboats and pontoon boats or jet skiing.

So in love with this. Welcome to the world little Kyla, if you are anything as amazing as princess Zooey I am the luckiest aunt in the world.

how is it than we start off as such innocent precious beings and somewhere along the line we end so differently?

as adults, we make choices which shape up as and we become who we are.

i swear no matter how down i am, i will never be the kind of person that is a liar, or a cheater, or someone who constantly lets other down.

it's my birthday this weekend, and i don't even want to celebrate. i'll likely do lots of homework because it's productive and when i'm done with it, i always feel a sense of relief and pride.

i am going to be an advocate for telling the truth. i promise to teach my students to tell the truth, and what it means to be honest.

i can't wait to be a teacher. i think it's going to be amazing, positive, and life-altering.

me at the j. cole show a few weeks ago.... i regret to say his live show was a big let down. ironically, it goes with the general theme of my life lately so i suppose it should have been expected.



annndm my friend or not really friend because she disappears. she has these manolos from the first satc movie. they are the ones carrie goes back to the fancy apartment for and big is there and they reunite... her husband bought them for her. he paid around 1,000- that's love people. anyway the last time i saw her she said i could borrow them and i didn't big mistake they could be mine now since she disappeared. they were kinda beat up, and if i had those shoes i would have treated them right... who abuses designer items?! not me, well not that i have any, but i wouldn't if i did.



this rant is ova. farewell.

ps. now i have two precious nieces to spoil. princess zooey and bebe kyla. swoon....

when i go far away next year i'll really miss this lady...

we had a little happy hour a few weeks ago with some wine and a cheese board... very enjoyable.

she's just the cutest little lady ever and my best friend, she never lets me down.

and to the creepers who send me messages, they aren't wanted. thanks.

i just found out this week that i have student teaching everyday for two semesters, as opposed to one. this is freaking me out because it means i will be working what is a full time job for free and i'm not sure what kinda of job if any i'll be able to get.

student teaching is tons of work and pretty much everyone has advised me against work. let the search for a rich boyfriend begin.... jk. i guess i have to go back to customer service type jobs like serving. i loathe this. i only like going to restaurants and being served, not serving others. i don't like working around food unless i'm cooking at home and it makes me upset that i have to give up my education related job that i love.

i suppose it will be worth because in one year, the world is my oyster and i plan on moving to nyc or abroad. it will break my poor mother's heart but i feel like i've experienced az and my time here has been swell but the excitement and vanity has worn off and left only von dutch type douches and dames which i have zero interest in. also, it's highly conservative and thus little money is allotted for education and the incentives and pay for teachers here is dismal at best. it makes me so angry to see so many cuts when education is what fuels the next generation.

so, as my family is all in buffalo together awaiting the arrival of the newest and brightest baby girl i shall spend the week with school. i magically picked up tons of hours at work and will be buying a plane ticket to come out right after xmas. i guess i should save for some warm clothes???? or just plan on wearing hoodies everyday. hehe!!!! who wants to go skiing? and iceskating? and sledding??? i want to make it a winter sports vacation of sorts with ribbons for the best in show.

thanks for the kind words peeps about the whole father thing... i am doing much better. i decided i am going to write a letter and close that chapter.

off to work. ;O)