ever since (e:hodown) left, i've been hit by this awful wave of depression.

i get down sometimes, but this is really rare. all i want to do is sleep. or go to target. as i just told (e:hodown).

and some xanax wouldn't hurt. but she says there things are no good.

i shouldn't even complain about my life, or feel bad about anything. i have it made in the shade.

but i jut get so lonely sometimes. i've only made a few friends, and it is hard. it's hard having to put yourself out there and try to meet new people.

it's also hard not knowing what you want. i really only know what i don't want. -like christina from "vicky christina barcelona"

i thought by 25 i would have more things figured out, but i have nothing figured out.

i want it figured out damn it!

at least i know i want to be a teacher, if i can ever finish school...

and i know i want to stay away from men for a while. they only cause harm.

that i could be so stressed that i am making myself sick????


seriously, i have no clue what i could be allergic to.


for the past day two days. my body is attacking me. not just hives but a fever, and upset stomach.

and body aches. it was all i could do to get out of bed this morning.

and i went to bed before 9 last night after spending only two hours awake since 10 am.

i can't call into work anymore and i can't miss class. so i am just going to push through but this really sucks.


what also sucks is having (e:hodown) nowhere in sight or any friends really. anyone who really gets me.

and although i live with my mom, i never see her, since mon night i've seen her for five minutes this morning. and she will be gone all weekend.

i swear if i wasn't allergic, to everything, including myself i'd go get a dog...

i am now going to do homework and will the hives and fever away!

to start i really like, target, pronounced as if it were a french store. i think if i had to choose only one place to shop- i could really get by there. plus it is one of the only places to shop in fountain hills.

that said, i went today with (e:hodown). i was allowed to make some purchases. among those was a sticker collection that pretty much sums up me. she pointed it out, and it went into the basket of fun. not really sure what i will ever do with it, but i love it.

• also note, that it was on clearance, which also something i not only like, but love.

i am thinking of some buffalo commercial jingle where they sing, "and never pay full price again", and i think that could be a motto for my life. i wish college courses could come at a discount...

i also wish that my financial aid wasn't completely effd up right now, all of my money has been sucked up by the school, and one of my loans went into default, because my status is showing as withdrawn. one of my friends says she had the same issue before and it was easy to deal with, but they couldn't have notified me sooner???? my faith in computers is failing me, as i'm sure this is some sort of computer glitch...

i must remind myself now that it will al be ok and throwing a giant tantrum will not solve the issue, waking up at 6am on tues will. also, i am so glad i live here and not in louisiana where there is a mandatory evacuation right now.

i have a family that loves and cares for me, and i have glittery stickers. and i get to be the dd and go to some irsh pub to watch a irish rock band play crappy music... that should be interesting.

anyway, here are the stickers that perked up my day.

i love you! and wish i could be there to get cracktivated with you! you are such an important part of my life and an amazing friend!

i have now added a new category to my blogs.


deafness.


sometimes i forget about it, because i deal with it everyday. but i came home from school today just wanting to cry.

when you can't hear 40% of what happens in class, or anything your classmates say, it is so hard.

my one professors speak in an almost mumbly whisper, and when i look at her smiling face, i want to punch her. i also would like tp punch the rest of my classmates.

the class is children's lit, and how the hell is this class gonna work if no one speaks up???? you'd think that people who are going to be teachers would have great speaking voices, or at least be aware of the need to speak loudly and clearly.... nope.

i have had to drop many classes before because of this very issue, and i am considering just standing up at the beginning of every classes and letting everyone know that i am pretty much half deaf, and they need to speak up.

this really doesn't work either, the volume goes up and then people forget and start mumbling again.

maybe this is why i hate group activities, or presentations.

if i could make one wish for my life, it would be to have better hearing, all of you who have it, im sure take it for granted.

it makes my life so hard sometimes, and it doesn't help that everyone makes a joke of it. it can be funny, but at times like now, it makes me sad.

what will i do when i go completely deaf???? i really think it is going to happen one day.

i need hearing aides, but they cost about 6,000 for the good ones, and i lost my old ones which sucked anyway. health insurance considers cosmetic, and doesn't cover the cost.

then i worry about my kids, will they all be deaf. i seriously don't wish it on anyone.

i am also dumb because i am so embarrassed by my hearing loss, that i don't tell people. and then they think i am ditzy(which i am, but not that much) or just a giant bitch. when i do tell people, it doesn't make any difference because they think it is fun to make jokes and "test" my hearing by repeatedly whispering my name at different volumes.

it's getting to the point where i don't even want to try to bother having a conversation a lot of the time, because i know i will constantly be asking people to repeat themselves, and they get frustrated and just end up saying "nevermind".

my ears also constantly ring, which is called tinnitus, and i try my hardest to not hear it, but sometimes it gets so loud, it is hard to hear anything else. the tinnitus gets worse every year with my hearing. however, even if i was completely deaf, i would still hear the ringing, as it has nothing to do with actual hearing. people have had their hearing removed, and still heard the ringing and it made them so crazy that they eventually committed suicide.

i am not thinking of killing myself or anything like that, but sometimes it is a lot to handle having a disability that is considered too mild to get any sort of help; when it affects my life in pretty much every way.

i know this was a big huge vent, but i don't complain about my hearing loss very much or even tell many people about it, and it feels better to just get it out.

:(

so, when i was in blo, i went to america's best contacts and eyeglasses to replace my ghetto glasses with some nice new non-scratched ones. i was really happy with the prices and selection.

i didn't realize at the time, but they actually have one here in phoenix.

so, i get super excited last night because they finally came after 2+ weeks. now i don't have to walk around not seeing out of the right lense because it is scratched so badly.

so, i open the box, and try on the first pair, and they are fine. that pair was not even the pair i really liked. i go for the other pair, which i am super excited about, and they are some old man glasses for some stranger named "Vincent".

eff you america's best, now i have to wait a million more weeks to get my damn glasses, and send these ones back and everything. was it really that hard to send the right pair???? it's not even like the name "Vincent" is remotely close to my name. the glasses look nothing alike, and now i am just pissed.

at least i have one pair, but as we all know, having more than one is much much better.

i will be taking care of this situation today, and tomorrow.

my friend thinks the guy im seeing is a jerk, and she told me yesterday i shouldn't see him anymore. it was kinda like she was saying, if you see him, i don't really wanna be your friend.

she said a lot of nasty stuff about him. i really like him.


yea, he was mean to me the other night. but i think he had the right to be pissed. i had him pick me up completely wasted from that party i never told him i was going to, and i was dressed pretty skimpy. plus he thought my friend was gonna puke all over his car, and i got him lost like three times.

i talked to him about it th next day, sober, and everything was fine. but she can't see past the fact that we were the ones in the wrong in this case. he's supposed to be completely sweet and caring in that situation???

she says she will never like him and i am too good for him. i honestly don't think its her business to say.

i feel so weird about everything now, and i don't even want to be around her or anyone.

then she had lost her keys yesterday and kinda blamed it on me.

this all just really makes me miss the kind of friends who don't treat you this way, like (e:tina) , and (e:brit) .

i was never one to tell someone what to do, and i know she is just caring about me, but she is overreacting. she said, she didn't realize that i was the kinda girl who likes to get beat up by her man. wtf???? i don't think any man has ever hit me, ok maybe my brother, when he was a boy.

but seriously, just because someone is a jerk for an hour, that by no means turns them into a woman-beater.

i always admired this friend's strong will, but now she is just being a bitch. she said its not her fault she lost her keys, and tried to find someone else to blame it on. it is her fault. she never thinks she is in the wrong, but she is. and it hurts me that she called me a weak woman.

i feel like i will always feel weird around her now- and i wont ever want to tell her anything.

the basketball player invited me to his celeb pool party. my friend and i were super pumped. it was supposed to be last night but they changed it to during the day and my boss let me leave work early because the census is so low.

so i get to my friends and we get ready and start to pregame. i totally forgot to eat yesterday, because i had to get my work done in time to leave early and then i drank quite a bit, so i ended up pretty drunk. so was she.

we get to the party and its pretty cool. right away we started chatting up the people there and we were having a great time. i made friends with the bartender and he let me go behind the bar and chill with him. and then i got a few work phone calls, and went outside to take them. apparently this was not allowed because when i came back in, some scary man came up to me and asked me what the issue was. i said i didn't have any, and he told me that yes i did, and then this bitchy woman comes up and tells me flat out i need to leave, and gives me no reason why.

the basketball player's personal body quard and security guy watched the whole thing transpire and came over to see if we were ok, and asked what happened. i told him that i was told to leave and i didn't know why. he insisted that o go over and ask her- he explained that she is the property manager. so i asked her, and she said it was because when i went outside i shut the door too loudly. i explained that i didn't mean to , and reluctantly agreed to let me stay.

from then on, i felt like i was being watched, and we eventually headed outside. there was a and ice cream bar and i got some gelatto and was joking with my friend and dancing with her and feeding it to her, and some guys were watching us and came over to talk to us. then, the mean lady came back, and told me i had to go. the bodyguard saw this, and tried to reason with her, but i guess she just really hated me, so he rode back with us to the car in the shuttle. he felt really bad and didn't understand what i had done.

then my friend starts crying and gets really sick. she puked all over my car.

and i looked at my phone and the guy i've been seeing and really like had texted me. so i texted him to see if he could come get us, and it was disaster from there. my friends was a mess, and i wa so drunk. i am mortified now. i don't want him to see me as some drunken party chick. don't get me wrong, i like a party, but this was unusual. i don't usually drink very much, and i have never been kicked out of anything in my entire life.

he drove my friend home which was clear across town, and then i went to stay with him. he said he wasnt mad, but i don't know. i might be pissed. and he had to get up so early to go to some important breakfast thing.

i think i am done drinking, for a while. seriously. school starts monday and i have to do really well this semester. plus, i don't like drunk sarah. and i don't think she is attractive to the guy im seeing.

i hate letting people down. and i am embarrassed that i was kicked out the party, and then i probably looked like such a slut when he came to pick me up because i was dressed kinda skimpy and very sexy, but it was a pool party...

so it was lesson, no more crazy parties where i am in over my head. no more drinking. and be a little more classy...

so (e:mike) brought over this giant bag of candy to (e:pauls) on thursday night. what a glorious thing!!! i don't have any friends here, or anywhere else for that matter that are amazing enough to just show up with giant bags of candy!

in said giant bag of candy was a "pop rocks" chocolate bar, and all i could think was, BARF!

but it was sooooo good. i even have a video to prove it, but i have to steal the photo card reader at work to upload my pics tomorrow since i have now lost my usb cord for the 3rd time.

seriously, where do you buy these, and why are they not the #1 candy bar out there????????

i think i said i was gonna hang out with so many people while i was here in blo, but come to find out, i don't really feel like seeing much of anyone.

i am gonna miss tina so much, maybe thats why. i kinda just want to spend pretty much every moment with her. shes so cute and fun! and she likes to talk about fashion. and perez.

its gonna be so sad when i say goodbye, because she is really the last girlfriend i have. i have a few in az, but she is last of the the originals. its so hard to meet people that truly accept you and love you and im freakin gonna miss her.

ps. the weather here sucks which also makes me want to do nothing.


i think the tinster and i are gonna hit the mall today, that is pretty much my fav thing to do with her, shop, or eat chicken pizza, and i think we can do both!!!!!!!