this journal is fun to keep, but also somewhat frustrating. i guess i know that people read it, or i think they do, so i neverreally say what i would say in a "real" journal. i don't have any other place where i record my thoughts, so it goes here, as least a little bit. tina and i were talking about this today. so, my question is, do i really care? i guess i do, because of the fear of seeming crazy, completely self-abosrbed, stupid, petty, or any number of things people don't want to be. i think that most people are really all of these things and just do an amazinfg job of hiding it. i would rahter just be exactly who i am, and write that way, instead of hiding it all the time. some stuff should remain unsaid, but the rest, i urge you just to let it all out.
here goes: i am way too convincable. i need to just do something when i say i am going to do it. this starts tomorrow. i'm a huge baby, and i'm afraid to do stuff for myself. but, the truth is, that i am the only one who gets hurt in the end. i am gonna find some jobs, and work my ass off, and maybe have a little fun in b/t. if i have to live with a crazy, alcoholic aunt for a few months, i will do it. they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so we will give it a go.

i'm going to stop making excuses. i will start to pay back debt. i will excercise. i wil eat more healthy. i will become more politically involved. i will become less involved and concerned with other people's opinions of me. i will try to educate myself and search out truth.

this is a long "i will" list. but things around here are gonna change; for real this time. no more bullshit. and in the end, well, there is no end, but i will start tomorrow, by scoping out the alcoholic's pad, and perhaps some job hunting.

that is what i have been thinking; its not political, or intelligent. its just whats on my mind, and it feels good to get it out in writing, or typing rather.

p.s. have you ever started to laugh when you know you are not supposed to, but it ends up making you laugh even more. like, in class, or during a presentation? i did that today, and it was all tina's fault.

lots of stuff happened yesterday. i am too lazy to write in sentences, so i will list:

• bush came, i slept. i feel bad. i wish i had been there.
  
• 4/20-enough said
  
• i recieved flowers for the first time ever, and i am still wearing some in my hair.
  
• a day filled with terry, matthew, flacidness, the simeon, and tina can never be dull.
  
• we came, we smoked, we laughed, we cried from laughing so hard.
  
• who can forget the "milkshake"? if you don't know what that is, just go to www.ebaumsworld.com and check out the videos, look for the one milkshake, and you will never think of the song or the drink the same way again.
  
• i have decided that pyhsical humor is the kind that makes me laugh the hardest and longest, is this wrong?

in this past week, i have talked to way too many women who feel they are being mistreated by the man they are involved with. i have not talked to any men who feel this way. something is not right.
it may have something to do with the kind of guy are of these ladies are pursuing. so, let me tell you, it is not worth it to waste your time with someone who doesn't appreciate you. personally, i would rather be alone. being led on, and pushed around, and having your feelings hurt is not worth it. you must keep looking for the diamond in the rough. 'nough said.

on to other topics. parties. parties that happened this weekend. i had a glorious time, until the puke fest. what the hell happened to me? it was all worth is to see tina knock over the screen in emily's room. that will make me laugh for a long time. i was also informed that tina was yelling out to random people, such as the girl who works at new world, who isn't very friendly. she called out, "hey girl in the black shirt who works at new world, you're a bitch." tina is the best thing that ever happened to alcohol.

this weekend was really fun, so thanks to all involved. and don't forget 4/20 is tomorrow!

i am le tired. i shouldn't be tired. i need to do stuff.

i would just like to let all hairstylists out there that when i say trim, i mean trim, not chop. i can no longer sport the pony tail, :O(.

i witnessed a wedding today at ub's exhibit at city hall. fun. chemille fell, it was funny. i can only write very short sentences.

i am the boss.

p.s. downtown is really pretty at miodnight and so romantic. like something out of a movie. lets all go and have a picnic!

i was just trying to update some stuff on this fabulous journal of mine, and my brother walks in. it's 9, what is he up for? anywho, that will not discourage me fom prancing around in my underwear, it is fun, and everyone should do it. its like being a little kid again.

i did the fab five thingy, so you can see the best of all my silly entries.

Ya'll should go and see the breakwall. It is fun to walk on and see the broken "ice-boom". Terry wrote a poem about it but a few days ago. I visited just this past week. Fun times.

P.S. Go on a sunny day, with fun people.

in this current moment, i am happy. i am having visions of fields filled with flowers and tall green grass, and me dancing around in it. mind you, this feeling and vision comes all without drugs; who would've thought?

i haven't updated in a long time. it seems that i am still sick, and i now spend all of my time sleeping. all of my extra time sleeping. there are a lot fo things that i want to do, and people i wanna see, however i am consumed by family, which is good, because there is lots of love, but i miss tina and matt ad paul and terry, and all of you lovelys. i shall return soon, better without the sickness. i think i will either watch the spectacle tube now or go back to bed. :O(

i must mention lastly that kids are so cute, and it doesn't help that i keep having dreams about my baby who is the cutest. i heart kids.