(as a side note 63 guests wow). I hate being sick I really do it is not fun at all. Plugged ears, Head, and chest and (now 72 guests) sore throat. It doesn't help that my place is kinda messy. It doesn't help that my stove has gas pilot lights. It doesn't help that I have stagnet air that just sits there but at least my place is warm. Then On top of that I have a mouse, well I have only seen one but my downstairs neighbor has seen and caught about 10 of them. No of them have gone into my traps at all (3) Maybe I don't have enough or have bad bait not really sure. (96 and 6 bots wow). But that being said I not hope to much with going on line and working and then I watch a couple hours of tv and go to bed or pass out. I am one lazy fucker when not at work I really am. I need sleep I need to clean, ah what to fucking do. Argh, Maybe sleep or maybe clean some more. Sometimes I really hate my life, not that I would ever do anything crazy.

Well Saturday stared out with a trip to Target for a New Watch and to get Beowulf. I did watch it but so far the directors cut looks just like what I saw at the movies so I'm confused. When I stopped watching it I set up the Timer for George Carlin on HBO I got home from the Bandits game in time to catch the end of it. But I couldn't stay up for SNL. Why is that when I want to watch it I can't stay up for it. And when I'm up it is one I have seen or I have something else on at the same time.

I hadn't really eaten all day so I got a Burger Basket and Buffalo Bites at the game. Other then the Bandettes the Early part of the game was rough it really was. The wings got out to an early lead and wound up being a head like 6 to 1. The bandits though are tough and changed goalies and then came back and tied it up and then when on a head and Kinda ran away with the game I really had a great time, even though it didn't start out that way.


Here are some random Pictures from the game:




























One thing that isn't clear really from these pictures is that for this game when Dave Played the Bag Pipes and they did all the intros that the lights where on. What happens most times is the lights go off you hear him play and then the spot light goes on him. Not sure what way I like better. The normal way is more dramatic but pictures do come out better this way.

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Not sure if this will work or not but I thought I would try it and see.

So on Saturday I'm going to see the Bandits game (season tickets) and so I'll take pictures so I decided to wait to download my Sabres pictures until after that game. I had a great time and got to see all kinds of rough housing, fights, people trying to fight, Peters gets a goal "the new Guy" gets two goals and an asisit. I also had a good time at the Buffet before the game. Hope they win tonight.

So (e:drew) wrote about his stats so I figured why not write about mine and see what it says about views and stuff. If I click on the stats it opens up a new page so I'll just go with what I have on my stats bar.
I have 958 Journals I can't believe I have written that many it doesn't seem right and I also have 312,182 views again that seems very high so that works out to about 325 views per journal. That doesn't mean anyone read what I had to say it just means they looked at it, or maybe they did a picture search and found my pictures. I have 721 comments that averages out to about .75 comments per journal. That being said that looks like I don't have very many comments but there where a lot of journals written before comments was a feature.

I forgot about the Tab feature in firefox in terms of most journals I'm #2 currently. That being said (e:paul) has more then twice the number of posts I do and it looks like it is close to 3 times as many there is a big gap there. In terms of most viewed again I'm second to Paul. But I'm so far behind it isn't even funny if you where to ad and round up me to 500,000 he would still have tipple the amount I have. I do lead the #1 spot in comments I have made I guess I have a lot of stuff to add to what others say. I have 721 comments received up top I said how low the average was and had an a reason for it, but over all I'm 13th there.

I guess my general point is that Stats don't lie. But that they can be used to prove the point of the person trying to prove a point. Here I wasn't really trying to prove or say anything really. But I think that when ever you see stats in an article or what ever you should understand that there are different ways of measuring them. There are also factors that if you don't know them could throw them off. For example (e:Paul) has a lot more Journals then I do and that would also explain why he is also so far ahead of me in views. Another factor in that is I am not an original on the site. I can remember sometimes Paul would have 3 journals that where unrelated to each other in the same day. So when ever you read stats you should believe them but also remember that if someone has an agenda they can make it so the stats make it look like one way when it isn't. Here is a great example if I have a Penny and I find a little bit of money I could give you some huge number of how much of a percent how much money I have then you say "Dude you are rich lets go out on the town" then I say "I think I just have enough for a candy bar". Hope everyone has a great weekend.

I was going to post something that was going to be not stupid but something that seems like it doesn't matter or something but as soon as I saw this article I was like wow I have to post this. I can now say that maybe I should go back to school. I really don't want to but this would be a cool place to go and learn. Even though it might be risky for some legal reasons maybe if I did well enough in school I could stay in California and live there. This was on Yahoo.

Oakland school turns out pot club pros

By LISA LEFF, Associated Press Writer 43 minutes ago

OAKLAND, Calif. - You know you're in a different kind of college when a teaching assistant sets five marijuana plants down in the middle of a lab and no one blinks a bloodshot eye.


Welcome to Oaksterdam University, a new trade school where higher education takes on a whole new meaning.

The school prepares people for jobs in California's thriving medical marijuana industry. For $200 and the cost of two required textbooks, students learn how to cultivate and cook with cannabis, study which strains of pot are best for certain ailments, and are instructed in the legalities of a business that is against the law in the eyes of the federal government.

"My basic idea is to try to professionalize the industry and have it taken seriously as a real industry, just like beer and distilling hard alcohol," said Richard Lee, 45, an activist and pot-dispensary owner who founded the school in a downtown storefront last fall.

So far, 60 students have completed the two-day weekend course, which is sold out through May. At the end of the class, students are given a take-home test, with the highest scorer - make that "top scorer" - earning the title of class valedictorian.

Before getting to Horticulture 101, the hands-on highlight of Oaksterdam U, the 20 budding botanists, entrepreneurs and political activists at a recent weekend session sat politely through two law lectures and a visiting professor's history talk.

In the lab, Lee measured plant food into a plastic garbage can and explained how, with common sense, upgraded electrical outlets, a fan and an air filter, students can grow pot at home for fun, health, public service - or profit.

Lee explained to his students how to prune and harvest plants, handing the clipping shears to a woman who wasn't sure how close to the stalk to cut without damaging it. He offered his thoughts on which commercial nutrient preparations are best, as well as the advantages of hydroponics, or soil-free gardening.

During a discussion of neighbor relations, he warned against setting boobytraps to keep curious kids out of outdoor gardens.

Students gave various reasons for enrolling. Some said they were simply curious. Others said they wanted tips for growing their own weed, although judging from the questions, a few were ready for the graduate seminar Lee recently added to the curriculum.

Jeff Sanders, 52, said he has been buying medical marijuana since 2003, but wants to open a dispensary in the San Joaquin Valley because he doesn't like having to drive up to San Francisco and paying the markup.

"I see it as a good thing. You are giving back to the community," Sanders said.

Patrick O'Shaughnessy, 37, said he started smoking pot regularly for the first time about a year ago to treat his chronic migraines, depression and anxiety. After attending class, he said felt more confident about growing his own, which he wants to do because the dispensary he frequents often sells out of his favorite strain.

Oaksterdam U draws its name from the jokey nickname for a section of Oakland where some of California's earliest medical marijuana dispensaries took root. The nickname in turn was inspired by the city of Amsterdam, in Holland, where pot use is tolerated.

At one point, the Oaksterdam neighborhood had at least 15 clubs and coffee shops selling pot, a number that dwindled to four when the city started issuing permits and collecting taxes from them a few years ago.

California was the first of a dozen states that have legalized marijuana use for patients with a doctor's recommendation. Despite periodic raids by federal drug agents and the threat of prosecution, clubs and cooperatives where customers can buy the drug of their choice have proliferated; California has 300 to 400, according to advocacy groups.

Entry-level workers are paid a little more than minimum wage, while "bud tenders," can make over $50,000 a year, and owners and top managers more than $100,000, Lee said. But there's also a certain amount of risk - and not just financial, but legal.

Michael Chapman, an assistant agent in charge with the Drug Enforcement Agency's San Francisco office, said authorities are aware of Oaksterdam U and don't see any reason to shut it down. Talking about marijuana is not illegal, and while a small amount of pot is kept on the premises, the DEA tries "to concentrate our case work on the most significant violators," he said.

Still, Chapman said he doesn't like Lee's effort to wrap cannabis education in a cap and gown.

"I think they are sending the wrong message out to the community and it's something that could only facilitate criminal behavior," he said.

I just thought of something else. Does anyone know if for the medical stuff you can cross pollenate. The reason I wonder is that there are weeds that (from what I heard) have been crosspollenated so they kinda taste like apple or peach as in Peach Melba. I wonder where I could find that on line, maybe for fun I should look that up. If the DEA raids me more looking stuff up you'll know when I'm not online for two weeks. I wonder when the Medical stuff will go to the supreme court. It seems like if a state says it is legal the feds can't say it is illegal that violates the Constituiton or maybe if it is allready that way then the states can't make it legal. If it ever goes or goes again (more research for if I ever have the free time) I hope the states win.

So some I know gave me an Illegal copy of "The Kingdom" I liked how it started out with a history of oil and politics. All in all I thought it was a very good movie with lots of action and suspense. That being said the one problem (I assume it was filmed wrong and that the movie wasn't this way) was that their where no subtitles when "middle easterners talked to each other". I can understand it when there are Americans and a guy who translates but it would have been nice to know what was going on like in an intearagation scene. I finished watching it after I caught the end of the hockey game. I wish the Sabres would have won but it was still a great game.

I wanted to stay up and Watch SNL it was new with Tina hosting and Huckabee as a guest. I did tape my Adult swim Animee. But I passed out on the news. That being said I did go to NBC.com and I did find some funny stuff that was on last night. I don't know if they have a way to download the clips, and even if they did I have no idea how to put them in a journal so... From what I saw it looked like the show was pretty funny. I think that some people think the show sucks or did suck, but most of those same people I think would still like Weekend update. For some reason I think that has all ways been funny. I also think that if not for the success of that segment John Stewart and Colbert wouldn't have a show or maybe they would but I'm sure that was an inspiration for there shows (I assume).

For those of you like award shows or just want to see who wins the Oscars are on tonight. I find it odd that most years I haven't seen most of the movies nominated but that isn't all ways true. I hope (unless it is up for other movies I like) No country for old men wins everything. I wonder if Sweeny Todd being a musical or Enchanted got nominated for anything they where both so different but both so good. On a side note I hate fucking mice.

First of all (e:ladycroft) don't take this as me bashing you because I'm not at all. I think you are pretty awesome and I'm sure you are great at your job. With the news post about the stalking and your post it got me thinking about something. I like blogging and reading blogs but there is a problem with it, and with the the Buffalo News also.

The problem is that it is one sided. First with the news. Yesterday The Buffalo News put a picture of those two Tiger Cubs and a little blurb about it. They should have had a short article below the picture. If Buffalo had another Daily news paper maybe there would have been a full article that gave all the facts. So since there is only one paper source if you only read the paper you only get their side of it and you don't get the entire story.

Blogs are kinda the same way. Well it depends on the subject matter of course. I will do something that I maybe shouldn't do but will anyways and use my work as an example. There is this guy who i have now named "Coffee Boy" and there is a good reason for this. When this dude works he comes right in and gets a coffee then talks to everyone in the office then at some point makes it out to the floor. What he does next isn't all ways the same but it is all ways not doing any work or seeing if there are any orders to fill. He walks around like a big shot like he owns the place and just starts talking to someone who is busy working as he fucks off. If he was a boss then no big thing but it isn't like he is figuring out how to run things that day or anything he is just lazy and doesn't want to do anything. The thing with this is it is an everyday thing and it is very annoying take my word for it, it really is. If I where to read someone else say this I would think what an ass how do you put up with this guy, and why hasn't he been fired or something along those lines. But the thing is that you are only getting my side of it, he doesn't get to present his side. In this case i don't know of much he can say really, well he could say it takes him 5 minutes and I make it sound like 2 hours. But the point is you only hear my side so it is kinda unfair.

I guess the Better example is the other day I ripped into him pretty good. Don't get me wrong I like the guy but work wise he has a long way to go. Now there is nothing wrong with goofing off, Bullshiting, breaking on each other or even playing pranks. But there is a difference between doing that as you work and making that the focus. I can tell you for sure that he puts that before doing his work and that is what leads to most of the mistakes he makes. I know people make mistakes and that is fine. But when the mistakes you make are because you are concentrating on other things instead of picking that is unaceptable. I ripped into him because I didn't want him helping me because he comes over and starts talking and talking and talking and just not doing anything and causing me to get a headache. Sometimes he just needs how to shut the fuck up and do the orders right. So he gets mad at me, fuck him. Then for the reason I didn't want his help for he goes and does. He made a mistake that was really stupid but is easy to do, I have done it myself but have caught myself. The reason I got caught is cause I pay attention. Then the next one was so stupid I couldn't believe he really did it. Now when he comes over and fucks off all he does is fucking make my job that much harder he isn't a help at all really he just winds up being a hinderance. Again with this story you would think what an ass Pete no wonder why you are so tired all the time and don't ever want to interact with people when you work with an asshole like that. But the problem with that is you don't know his side of the story. I'm sure he would say that he makes mistakes and it is no big deal that everyone does it and he might have a good point and might have a different reason for his mistakes like someone picking on him or something.

Wow that felt good to vent like that. I guess what I'm try to say is that when you read a journal entry you should remember that it is only one persons view of what happened and that there is at least another side to the story. I have heard that there are 3 sides to every story you have the side of each person telling it and then the truth somewhere in the middle. I'm not saying to not believe people but to just remember you only have the facts that they present, unless you have something to do with the story.

So I could have worked today and got some nice overtime, but since the boss said I didn't have to I enjoyed the day off. One reason I wanted it off was so that I could watch a movie or something. This morning I watched "American Gladiators" it was the Grand Finale and that was pretty cool to watch. The male and Female winner get lots of cash and truck and get to Be American Gladiators. Oh yeah and the Ali lady is pretty hot, does she still box? Secondly I got to watch Knight Rider. My take on it is that it was good, but... Kitt was kinda a little bit to much of "I don't have Feelings" I also thought the voice choice could have been better. All in all I liked it. I think they wrote it so that if they wanted to the could come out with a new series. I have no idea if there will be any plans to, but I think at sometime they will just based on all the ads. Besides they keep canceling everything that follows Heroes. The reason I taped these show is I watched the WWE PPV it was fun and there where a few things that surprised me. Like the return of the Big Show and then that lead to some Boxing Champion hoping over with tons of security and fighting him. Yes they have had other boxers and wrestlers compete and even had them wrestle each other. But I don't think they have ever been champion at the same time (maybe I mis heard), they sure did make it look real assuming that it wasn't staged, something real does happen once in a blue moon.

Today I got to see a movie that I have wanted to see for months "No Country for Old Men". I really liked it a lot. Yes it was violent but it also had a story I like and had some very interesting dialouge. The only thing is that at the end of the movie things weren't all tied up neat like they do a lot. There was also a little bit of not knowing what happened. That being said I think that can be a good thing also. I think that even though the ending was not what I expected and made me think is it really going to end after the credits role. I think it is important for people to make movies the way they see fit and not all formula and I did like how it ended I just wish one question was answered and if the guy is still on the run, but I have a guess as to what happened based on something that was said but not sure. I do see why people including myself liked it and I would say if you like that violent type of movie to go see it.

The reason for me writing is because the Bandits won last night. I had a good time and it was a great game and very close. On a side note tonight is the final of American Gladiators and then that is followed by the Night Rider Movie. I wonder if they will try to spawn that off into a new series. Then I think at 6pm there is a Sabres game on also. So many choices. Here are some pictures for your enjoyment























Ok I admit there are mostly pictures of the dance team the bandettes but if anyone wants to see all my pictures form the game they can go to my webshots page. Before the game there was a presentation of a "Cup" to John Tavares he broke the all time goal record at the last home game.








Since I'm putting up pictures I thought I would put up a few more of buffalo.







I hope everyone that went to the Dinner last night had a great time. I hope the rest of everyones weekend is great. I also hope that you can enjoy your long weekend. I could have worked monday and got like 8 hours OT well it might not be a full day but I need a day off. Plus I'll get the WWE PPV and then watch the stuff I taped and maybe fit in a movie or something who knows.

So for Valentines Day I did buy myself some candy. Thankfully I didn't have time to eat it on Valentines day. I went to Club Diablo. I have to admit that is one cool club. That is off course unless you hate devils or at least pictures of them. Before I even heard any of the bands they had this wild movie with vampires and naked chicks and blood it looked old but cool. I was just happy to see it wasn't an all guy fest and to be not be at home by my self. Music wise I had heard kryst, End of an Era, and As Summer Dies music only on line. I liked all 3 bands and thought they where all very good. Plus of course there where lots of cute ladies there, well maybe cute isn't the correct word but there was some hotness there. That was the other thing that worried me was that with it being 16+ show that there would be a bunch of young kids. Yes there where a few but wasn't bad. Some of them got to go up on stage and sing with "As Summer Dies" that was pretty cool and you gotta give props to hardcore fans like that. Back to the ladies my age I don't know what it is about Tattoos that are hot (not that they where all tatted up). I find it all most impossible to talk to ladies at a show for a few reasons.
1) The reason I'm there and (I assume them to) is to see the show not pick someone up
2) When the band is playing you are watching them and paying atention to that, plus I don't know much about the bands
3) often times people there are with the band or know them so hitting on someone who knows the band or could even be dating someone in it would be bad
All that being said I had a good time and it was fun and I would sure go back again for another show.

There was also a show after words. Soma was one of the DJ's and was up first. I have to admit I didn't think I would like electronica but it was very good. I wish I could have stayed for it. But I made one mistake and that last drink had a nasty effect on me so I had to go. And there where two cute ladies out side smoking. I bring that up because I should have said hello but with how I was feeling that could have gotten nasty. But sometimes girls smoking is kinda sexy. I know I shouldn't encourage that but some girls the way they do it it looks hot. It is also hot on an emotional level or maybe it is on the thought lever (hey if they will put that nasty thing in there mouth then I know there is something else they will, or I got something white that will taste better then that for them to put in there lips) Yeah it kinda sick but I can't help it I don't try to be that way those thoughts just come to my mind.

I hope everyone has a great time at the dinner tonight. I'll be having fun at the Bandits game, hope they win. I hope everyone at the very least did something nice for Valentines, and also has a great weekend.

I will be the first to admit that I don't read books hardly ever. I don't know I'm more of a TV or Video or visual type of guy I guess. But On yahoo (from NPR) I saw this story about this guy who thinks being sad or blue is ok and has a purpose. He does go on to say he doesn't mean very bad depression. It is an interesting Idea. I think his book would make very good reading and the article is below or for those who want to read it in original form

Plus they have some other links I would like to check out also that could be interesting also. I do kinda think that everyone does have a natural mood or way that they see the world and maybe all ways being kinda blue (as long as it isn't so strong that is causes a lot of problems) isn't as bad as everyone thinks it is. After all don't we all hate those people who are all ways super happy and you think the world could end and they would still find a reason to smile.

All Things Considered, February 11, 2008 · Author Eric G. Wilson has come to realize he was born to the blues, and he has made peace with his melancholy state.

But it took some time, as he writes in his new book, a polemic titled Against Happiness: In Praise of Melancholy.

At the behest of well-meaning friends, I have purchased books on how to be happy. I have tried to turn my chronic scowl into a bright smile. I have attempted to become more active, to get away from my dark house and away from my somber books and participate in the world of meaningful action. ... I have contemplated getting a dog. I have started eating salads. I have tried to discipline myself in nodding knowingly. ... I have undertaken yoga. I have stopped yoga and gone into tai chi. I have thought of going to psychiatrists and getting some drugs. I have quit all of this and then started again and then once more quit. Now I plan to stay quit. The road to hell is paved with happy plans.

Wilson has embraced his inner gloom, and he wishes more people would do the same.

The English professor at Wake Forest University wants to be clear that he is not "romanticizing" clinical depression and that he believes it is a serious condition that should be treated.

But he worries that today's cornucopia of antidepressants - used to treat even what he calls "mild to moderate sadness" - might make "sweet sorrow" a thing of the past.

"And if that happens, I wonder, what will the future hold? Will our culture become less vital? Will it become less creative?" he asks.

Wilson talks to Melissa Block about why the world needs melancholy - how it pushes people to think about their relation to the world in new ways and ultimately to relate to the world in a richer, deeper way.

He also explores the link between sadness, artistic creation and depression - which has led to suicide in many well-known cases: Virginia Woolf, Vincent Van Gogh, Hart Crane and Ernest Hemingway, for instance.

Wilson says perhaps this is "just part of the tragic nature of existence, that sometimes there's a great price to be paid for great works or beauty, for truth."

"We can look at the lives of Dylan Thomas, Virginia Woolf, Hart Crane and others and lament the fact that they suffered so. Yet at the same time, we're buoyed, we're overjoyed by the works they left behind," Wilson says.

The husband and father of a young daughter also acknowledges that melancholy is "difficult terrain to negotiate in domestic situations." He says there are certainly times when his family hoped he would be "happier," and yet they would not want him to pretend to feel something he doesn't.

Wilson says that by taking his melancholy seriously, his family ultimately will get to know him more deeply and develop a more intimate relationship with him.

"To get to know your partner, your spouse, your friend fully, you really have to find a way to embrace the dark as well as the light. Only then can you know that person," he says.
Excerpt: 'Against Happiness'

by Eric G. Wilson





Conclusion

The gene pool - before and beyond time - froths and sloshes. What flops up onto the temporal shores is a matter of chance, a product of the waves' whims. At some point this teeming reservoir of DNA spumes forth a saturnine gene, a double helix destined to produce melancholy dispositions. From this instant onward what we know as human history begins: that striving, seemingly endless, toward an ungraspable perfection, that tragic effort to reach what exceeds the grasp, to fail magnificently. This gene, this melancholy gene, has proved the code for innovation. It has produced over the centuries our resplendent towers, yearning heavenward. It has created our great epics, god-hungry. It has concocted our memorable symphonies, as tumultuously beautiful as the first ocean. Without this sorrowful genome, these sublimities would have remained in the netherworld of nonexistence. Indeed, without this genetic information, sullen and ambitious, what we see as culture in general, that empyreal realm of straining ideas, might have never arisen from the mere quest for survival, from simple killing and eating.

We can picture this in the primitive world. While the healthy bodies of the tribe were out mindlessly hacking beasts or other humans, the melancholy soul remained behind brooding in a cave or under a tree. There he imagined new structures, oval and amber, or fresh verbal rhythms, sacred summonings, or songs superior to even those of the birds. Envisioning these things, and more, this melancholy malingerer became just as useful for his culture as did the hunters and the gatherers for theirs. He pushed his world ahead. He moved it forward. He dwelled always in the insecure realm of the avant-garde.

This primitive visionary was the first of many such avant-garde melancholics. Of course not all innovators are melancholy, and not all melancholy souls are innovative. However, the scientifically proved relationship between genius and depression, between gloom and greatness suggests that the majority of our cultural innovators, ranging from the ancient dreamer in the bush to the more recent Dadaist in the city, have grounded their originality in the melancholy mood. We can of course by now understand why.

Melancholia pushes against the easy "either/or" of the status quo. It thrives in unexplored middle ground between oppositions, in the "both/and." It fosters fresh insights into relationships between oppositions, especially that great polarity life and death. It encourages new ways of conceiving and naming the mysterious connections between antinomies. It returns us to innocence, to irony, that ability, temporary, to play in potential without being constrained to the actual. Such respites from causality refresh our relationship to the world, grant us beautiful vistas, energize our hearts and our minds.

Indeed, the world is much of the time boring, controlled as it is by staid habits. It seems overly familiar, tired, repetitious. Then along comes what Keats calls the melancholy fit, and suddenly the planet again turns interesting. The veil of familiarity falls away. There before us flare bracing possibilities. We are called to forge untested links to our environments. We are summoned to be creative.

Given these virtues of melancholia, why are thousands of psychiatrists and psychologists attempting to "cure" depression as if it were a terrible disease? Obviously, those suffering severe depression, suicidal and bordering on psychosis, require serious medications. But what of those millions of people who possess mild to moderate depression? Should these potential visionaries also be asked to eradicate their melancholia with the help of a pill? Should these possible innovators relinquish what might well be their greatest muse, their demons giving birth to angels?

Right now, if the statistics are correct, about 15 percent of Americans are not happy. Soon, perhaps, with the help of psychopharmaceuticals, we shall have no more unhappy people in our country. Melancholics will become unknown.

This would be an unparalleled tragedy, equivalent in scope to the annihilation of the sperm whale or the golden eagle. With no more melancholics, we would live in a world in which everyone simply accepted the status quo, in which everyone would simply be content with the given. This would constitute a dystopia of ubiquitous placid grins, a nightmare worthy of Philip K. Dick, a police state of Pollyannas, a flatland that offers nothing new under the sun. Why are we pushing toward such a hellish condition?

The answer is simple: fear. Most hide behind the smile because they are afraid of facing the world's complexity, its vagueness, its terrible beauties. If they stay safely ensconced behind their painted grins, then they won't have to encounter the insecurities attendant upon dwelling in possibility, those anxious moments when one doesn't know this from that, when one could suddenly become almost anything at all. Even though this anxiety, usually over death, is in the end exhilarating, a call to be creative, it is in the beginning rather horrifying, a feeling of hovering in an unpredictable abyss. Most immediately flee from this situation. They try to lose themselves in the laughing masses, hoping the anxiety will never again visit them. They don inauthenticity as a mask, a disguise protecting them from the abyss.

To foster a society of total happiness is to concoct a culture of fear. Do we really want to give away our courage for mere mirth? Are we ready to relinquish our most essential hearts for a good night's sleep, a season of contentment? We must ignore the seductions of our blissed-out culture and somehow hold to our sadness. We must find a way, difficult though it is, to be who we are, sullenness and all.

Suffering the gloom, inevitable as breath, we must further accept this fact that the world hates: we are forever incomplete, but fragments of some ungraspable whole. Our unfinished natures - we are never pure actualities but always vague potentials - make life a constant struggle, a bout with the persistent unknown. But this extension into the abyss is also our salvation. To be but a fragment is always to strive for something beyond oneself, something transcendent - an unexplored possibility, an unmapped avenue. This striving is always an act of freedom, of choosing one road instead of another. Though this labor is arduous - it requires constant attention to our mysterious and shifting interiors - it is also ecstatic, an almost infinite sounding of the exquisite riddles of Being.

To be against happiness, to avert contentment, is to be close to joy, to embrace ecstasy. Incompleteness is the call to life. Fragmentation is freedom. The exhilaration of never knowing anything fully is that you can perpetually imagine sublimities beyond reason. On the margins of the known is the agile edge of existence. This is the elation of circumference. This is the rapture, burning slow, of finishing a book that can never be completed, a flawed and conflicted text, vexed as twilight.

Excerpted from Against Happiness by Eric G. Wilson. Copyright © 2008 by Eric G. Wilson. Published in January 2008 by Sarah Crichton Books, a division of Farrar, Straus and Giroux, LLC. All rights reserved.