🏷️ love & relationships

Well to be honest I am pretty numb to the whole concept, since I'm not feeling anything towards concept or person. Which I think is slightly worse than feeling alone & depressed.

So in the spirit of feeling something, even if it is on the dark side of love I'm going to attempt to post some vids from my Boy Greg Dulli this week. Here's the first one, it's the cover they did of Massive Attack's "Live with me"


You know you're love when you drink yourself into oblivion.

;-)

I've been single for a while. It generally does not bother me at all, although there are times that I do wish I was in some kind of relationship. So when my Ex asked me the other day to accompany her to the Galleria while she shopped for a suit for a upcoming interview I was glad to help. Moments, OK 8 hours of shopping was really a wholesome feeling. There is a part of me that wishes that I could be part of a married couple doing such things on a regular basis.

The strangest mental flash occured when we were in some cheesy store on the 2nd level. All of a sudden I just has a vivid flash memory of an Ex (Not the one I was shopping with) of mine from many years ago. It was pretty scary and out of no where. She was most likely the most passionate relationship I've ever had even now and I just saw her mentally in detail. All of this and no clue on what triggered it, except that possibly something happened with her and it was strong enough to radiate out into the collective subconscious. I just don't know, when things like that happen it just makes me thing that they died.

The other day I was reading LJ and saw that a "friend" of mine posted that she had a 1 night stand. Now we sort of have this "understanding" between us but at the same time it did take me a little aback. We're not dating and I do have my current "stalker" but it did sting a tiny bit. It's just so unreasonable to think that everyone that we are with stays celibate but at some level there is I suppose jealousy even though one does not have any stake or claim [or wants] to the individual. Funny how things like that happen and our reactions to it.

To top things off I did get a bit of Karmic role reversal. After the said Galleria Trip I did end up back at the Ex's apartment. I was going to take a nap before I went out. She had her own plans and headed out. Needless to say I fell asleep like a total loser and didn't do anything at all. So much to her surprise when she came back in this morning @ 6am and I was still asleep in her bed. Now she's the one playing out all night and I'm the dork staying in going to bed early on a weekend night. I just though that was a bit funny how that worked out.

Now I'm going to go and play the first Afghan Whigs CD I come across and roll myself up in a ball.... ;-) J/K

Last night was quite the nice whlesome night. For some reason I started wearing my favorite ring again. I don't think I have worn a ring in months. Just out of the blue I just decided to wear it on the "matrimony" finger. Then I get a text from @carolinian asking if I'm up for anything tonight. I say Yes since last night was the only window that I'm going to be able to do anything until Thursday since I'm working 8 days straight.

Well he has his S.O. Nicky up from N.C. and I decided to take them out on ALlen last night. They looked so cute in the photo booth @ Frizzy's :-) I then suggested that we head down to Coulter for some quiet conversation, but instead they had to listen to me sing all of the words to NIN's "Sin!" Now how did that song get played @ Coulter Bay? The nightcap was down @ Hardware as I had to pay my bartender Scott a visit since I have't been out for ages.

I did notice that the former Jupiter Room is now open as a bar once again. I'll have to check it out sometime. Also the building next door to Hardware is for sale. The fascade of it just looks like it would make an excellent low-grade italian resturant selling cheap wine from a box. SOrry I don't know where I get that imagery from...

Anyway it was good to see a nice cute couple have a nice evening out. It really makes me wish that I was once again in a serious relationship. Maybe eHarmony isn't that bad after all, since it looks like you two are a really good match.

OK. off to work :-/

That song is just stuck in my head for some reason ;-)

To have a last conclusion to that passionate theme for a while I could get married this year to any possible 3 people that I know. It's just that if I really was "in love" and everything it would have happened by now. Although over the last couple of years the application of that song to my life is just to have someone to do things with in public and have for those "Special Holidays" It's not a case of not being in a position to have someone, but someone that makes your stomach sink to your waistline...I just wish I could find her, locally!!


Hey, (@mrmike) What time does that NY Dolls show start on Friday? I may be interested in going with you.

Anyway I am going to put this coffee buzz courtesy of the Orange Cat to good use now.


I just now that it's not going to be used to wait in line for a gaming system like these guys...

Since local College Basketball started back up again that phrase popped back into my head. It is used when your home team is blowing out the opponent and basically you're up by so much that you are re enforcing the thoughts of the school you are playing that you just want to get out of your gym a.s.a.p. and the game being played is just a formality.

I feel that way right now with being in a relationship or lack of one. Right now it feels like the 2nd half of a game of which I'm not going to win. If you don't have someone under contract for Thanksgiving the odds of finding someone between then and X-mas and New Years is quite difficult. There is that brief time in January between New Years and V-Day but that's about it until the snow melts.

All of thing was triggered when I realized that I had a match.com subscription that was coming due soon and you can guess what I did [cancellation]

I guess this also fits into the "OMG I'm 30!" thread as well. It's not that I am a whiney boy crying he's alone. Believe me I am quite content right now as opposed to being married to somone that was really negative for me. I consider myself lucky to only have ark ward conversation remaining after that fiasco.

Do I seem myself with someone someday, Yes. Actually to be honest I am actually grateful that I'm a guy at this point of my life. It just seems that as I got older the possibilities are better as opposed to say 10 years ago. I think I may have gotten more attractive with age, plus a guy my age seems more appealing if you're looking for the marriage sort of thing.

A co-worker of mine is 4 month pregnant. It did bring up the thought that if I did get a "I'm Late" phone call I think I would freak. Then again although the bio clock isn't as bad for guys I am starting to wonder if not now then when?

So after the square I get a text message from someone I used to just be a F* buddy on occasion. Then I get a call from a co-worker wanting to "hook-up" before she goes off to the Chip Strip tonight. I didn't go through with it with either of those two.

I felt a bit bad after talking to me Ex today after she was informing me that she was going on a date tonight. The thoughts going through my head were, "Man I just should have done it!" I don't know I get propositioned but still I know deep down inside it would never work with any of the above long term. Yea I feel great in being wanted, but at the same time I feel so alone.

My one friend was right in giving me shit a couple of months ago when she basically said that i need to find someone that will give me that dropping down the first hill on a roller coaster feeling. Anyone else currently is just there and not too much else going on. I don't know if I just settle like some bad Death Cab for Cutie Song but with the E-Funk going around it is just another version of it I suppose.

On the funny side of things with all of that going on I did run into the one "friend" that gave me the passion speech. I ended up going to the Italian Fest to grab something to eat and just experience something since I have to work early A.M. Saturday and had to miss The Karma Police Show. She looked at me, gave a scared look and took off quickly with her girlfriend. I don't know what I am going to do. I have people around me but I'm so alone.

The kicker was as I was leaving the Italian Fest after saying goodbye to me friend Tom my phone rings. It's my Ex and she tells me that her date with this guy was a disaster. Yea on one level I felt vindicated but honestly we have to move along somehow sometime. So the entire 38 minute car ride back home was just us talking about our relationship and just analysing ourselves.

July is always a strange time of year for me. Last Year I think I looked and felt much better than I do now.








Then again I was on vacation exactly a year ago today.

Who knows what is going to happen with my life. Things are really uncertain right now. Just turn on any cable news channel. At least I took on part of my fears [crazy italian fest crowds, getting there, parking, eating the food] and survived. My lack of good game bums me out, but it is just a symptom of a bigger problem. Tackling that is the main goal.

After work I made a mad dash toward downtown Buffalo for the taste. After a weird couple of calls I ended up pulling into the apartment complex of my Ex. We ended up going together and I ended up parking in a lot off of Elliot since I wanted to avoid the traffic that would be a nightmare on Niagara. So after we passed some kind of book festivile on Washington she needed to get to a Key ATM. We ended up walking up toward Chippewa, but we ended up running into these two girls. They had on these trendy white skirts and brown tops, THEY MATCHED!! So after walking around Washington and Main to Chip we ran into them again and again. They were apparently lost at first looking for the taste and then the other times they were looking for a M&T ATM. It was weird they couldn't have been older than 20, but they were wearing ambercrombie, young and skinny. Me, Ummm. Yeaaa OK. My EX talkative and in a messed up way was FLIRTING WITH THEM FOR ME in a weird kinda way?!? WTF?

In all I never really had a barbie kind of girlfriend. I suppose my personality is not the alpha male that will be the kind of subject like that Nickleback song "Next Contestant" Having guys constantly wanting to fuck someone that I'm with and trying it in front of me is not my idea of fun.

So if it is my the way I am or the universe directing me I find a woman with a brain more appealing that a young, skinny, rich designer of the moment wearing, dramaqueen.

I get hard if you tell me you read books more that how much you like Paris Hilton's new song.

The sick part is they were kinda following us around. They even gave me their facebook usernames!!! Too bad that I don't have a .edu email addy. ;-/ j/k ha ha

But, yea it got the the point where I couldn't handle it and just wanted to run. So in actuality it was a good thing that I was with my Ex. Then again being the somewhat suspicious person that I am; What if they were thinking I was WITH my Ex and they were trying to pull one of those let's mess around with him since "He's with HER kinda of thing and 'What kind of thing does SHE have on Him?'" Like I would get from people once in a while when we were dating.

I just don't know what was actually going on yesterday. All I know is my "Game" is pretty weak these days.

The Taste of Buffalo was not a exciting this year as in years past. I guess I'm getting sick of the same places and menu items year after year. The beer tent and the entertainment was more of my thing this year. Lance Diamond was a blast as well as some Rock/Metal band that was playing on the stage across from the Statler beer tent.

Ok enough whackiness for now.

I was looking around last night for something for my date last night with an old friend. I stumbled across my blue faced Timex watch that my Ex bought me. I had thought I lost it in Vegas, but I had it all along. It was just a bit of a sting since I had considered it our "relationship ring." I don't think the universe was telling me that I was making a mistake for going out last night, but at the same time I have never felt the kind love that L* gave to me. It did make me a bit sad and distraught. Then I remembered that she did dump me.

Why do they always seem to come back? I got another text from my Ex/Old Friend D* today. After a while I am just not sure what to actually call them.

Well I think I'm finally awake. Time to figure out what and where I am going to go tonight.