I always watch this video when someone I know passes on.

So I guess this is the second part to

This morning I was puttering around the house this morning running a bit late to get some stuff done today when i decided to then change my plans. I figured, "Hey, Why not stop by Lewiston to grab some Orange Cat Roastmaster Select?" Then as I was attempting to find a parking spot when generally the only people you are competing against are Senior Citizens, PTA Moms and the occasional excentric I realized that the streets were full. At this time I realized, "Oh, S**t it's that Kid's funeral today over at St. Peters!"

I ran into the Cat to grab a large coffee, started to chit chat with a refreshingly edgy barista (I had been a bit disappointed with the latest employees that were just talking about boys and playing Dave Matthew behaving like the east coast version of valley girls) but that's beside the point. She told me that she lost her father recently and his funeral was the same day [Sunday] when JM crashed his car. So other than that I did have a quick group therapy session with her as I shared the fact that my 17 sister lost her life in a car accident 12 years ago.

With my coffee in hand I just decided to mediate on all that was going on around me and I just walked a few blocks in the village. I don't know how it happened but the next thing I realize I was in the back of the church listening to the Eulogy. It did bring back quite a bit of emotions. What I felt was like a spiritual steam when I was in the church as if gravity was much stronger and the air was heavier. At moment I can totally see how mediums can pick up on things. Yes, it felt weird going in there but I was just happy to remember all of my Catholic upbringing in going through the sign of the cross, genuflecting and the like as the big Italian guys that worked for the funeral home manning the back of the church seemed to initially give a surprised look as to think, "Who the F is this Dude dressed up in his hoodie?" I guess after I pulled out half of this semi obscure prayer as they were reciting it at the end, they were like, "OK he's alright" and were nice to me as I made my quick exit.

Maybe my logic was the following; I knew I was going to drive past the spot where he died as there is almost no way to avoid it. I guess I wanted to pay my respects and get a feel for his spirit before I saw it for the first time.

In the end I kind of wish I was more into the whole bereavement thing like my parents are involved. I just don't have to energy to give anyone as I have my own issues and am still recovering and will always be in some respect. The one bit of wisdom that I wish I could tell everyone that goes through losing someone just starting their adult life is don't put your own life on hold. In some respect I wish I didn't put myself second to my parents going through their tough time as through that process I do feel as if I missed out on mining some good years of my life in which I may have missed some good opportunities. That may seem selfish, but you do have to live life in the present moment, not in the past.

I went out last night to catch Left on Red the group whom I met after being attacked by a tent at the Elmwood Village Art Fest. In which the lead singer Liah sung, "You have nothing to lose, you're going to die anyway."

Anyway one of the lyrics just make me think and to be honest I've been thinking about life & death all week due to some local news that brought back some memories that hit pretty close to home. There's nothing more brutal than to have someone you love lose their life right when it's really beginning.

So it just brings me to think, Have I really lived for the past decade or just existed? Now some people think that my seasonal FUNemployment right now is the life, but actually I've been kind of lethargic. Thanks God I have a finance class that is forcing me to brush up on my accounting skills to keep my mind active for most of the year. But looking back I remember being on Pogey in the late 90's and loving it. Then again when I think back to being "in the prime of my life" I kind of wish I didn't kind of haphazardly do noting by working out most of the time. I also hung out with friends as while they were working, which really seems kind of odd when you think about it.

But really, Do I enjoy every moment and take advantage of it? Last night I got a booty call from someone I know who is in a relationship. A part of me just is wondering if I did the wrong thing by not going over to her place as 1. Her desire for 1am booty calls during the week may not be a permanent thing. 2. My sexual desirability to others may not be forever and 3. You never know what will happen to one's self, hey our bodies do age over time as we don't live forever in peak performance shape.

But it really made me reflect on the past and what I am currently doing with myself. Now more than ever I do have a solid plan that is being followed with commitment on my end which was not the case before when I was younger. Plus now I do realize that tomorrow is never guaranteed and you have to savor the moment that you're in as you may not have another opportunity to take vacations or crash at friends homes in high cost cites as the room you currently use now will be a nursery in the future.

So all I have to do now is make sure that I never get compliant with being lazy in the now or really not flinching in making those moves out of whatever fear keeps oneself from following through.

This really should be a tag that I should post more about on a semi regular basis.

I was just talking to my friend Bill last night when he told me about an accident in Youngstown. Then he said Oh, it's someone you know that graduated around when we did. He gave me some other info that just left me shaking me head. Then I checked the obituary section this morning to read this

Needless to say I hate living stuff over again every time I hear about something along these lines.

I remember going to parties at my friend Wally's during high school. She lived with her Mom next door in this old mansion that was divided into a duplex. Once in a while Walter would sneak on over there with her boyfriend at the time and would have just insane times.

Once in a while I would see her or some ex-boyfriends around town but nothing of real substance. What really is making me think is what was her state of mind the last couple of years. One can get totally sucked into this alternative dimension that is Lew-Port even if they have other things going on with their life.

I just hope it was a just a bad luck wrong place wrong time accident. Having experience in what goes on behind closed doors and the warped perspective people have that are natives down here my mind is just racing. I can let myself get really sad if I let my imagination run wild.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the Doyle family.

:'(