That way back index from google is kind of crazy in looking back. I remember I googled an ex-girlfriend around that time and discovered that she was married. I later found out that it was a totally insane unbalanced Vegas wedding and later confessed some crazy things. So from that experience although I did get a chuckle that search result was still there, although the page that lead to her email at the time has long been taken down obviously. Ah memories...

On another thought the good old existential side of myself got some pretty good material over the weekend. I kind of knew her as she was a waitress at a local restaurant where I washed dished as a kid. Later she was the local bartender as mentioned in the article and kind of an institution, although I rarely ever went there.

The scary part was that I actually was driving the 290 that night as I was coming home from a birthday get together at the house of a guy i work with around 12 midnight or so. It was eerie foggy that night as if it was out of some insane movie on IFC or Sundnace. It also kind of got me thinking as Monday would have been my sister's birthday, if she wasn't in a car accident.

What am I trying to say. It's really a reality check as to why I am being so conservative with my life. What do I gain from living a frugal life and not doing anything exciting with my time or money? Yea as I learned in August going to the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas and partying like a rockstar isn't the answer to life, that rock and roll fantasy really threw me against the wall mentally in a way, but in some ways I needed to have reality slap me in the face. All that really did was reinforce the truth that you need close friends that give a shit about you if you ever get into a messy situation.

Another question is that even in the face of this coming clusterfuck (this bailout isn't going to save us all even in the shorterm "my opinion") did the people that spent and partied like there is no tomorrow have something right in their philosophy? They lived life to the fullest & some of them are getting their ass saved. Heck they most of them actually get laid and sleep with some beautiful people to boot. While stiffs like me just work, save and play it safe with most aspects of their life.

I guess what I'm just reflecting is maybe deep down inside I'm kind of disappointed that there isn't a payoff yet for the people that didn't overextend themselves. We'll have to get to the point of bank holidays and people selling pencils for some dorkish principles that I hold true to become attractive and pay off. The swagger of the last time period has not died off as of yet, unless you're (e:hodown) in NYC looking at people freaking out that their life as they knew it has ceased to exist.

If you made it this far thanks for reading my neurosis. I'm going to read some Jean-Paul Sartre and go to bed now...