Posts from May 2009

Yea, so I'm back to my regular scheudle for the foreseeable future, meaning that now I can actually blog the stuff that I've been intending to do without being squeezed for time or getting distracted.

The weird thought that I've had is that with the whole Swine Flu thing, the name of it H1N1 to me would make a great German Synthpop name. The other night when I was at the Transmission Dance Party, I ran into an old friend of mine who kind of lead me into that kind of music. It's one of those relationships where she's an intelligent conversation and fun at times, with the only problem being that she's all about her way & a total energy vampire to boot. So I haven't seen or talked to her in a year, by my choice as I don't need the draining effect around me. The only weird thing is that for the most part I haven't listened to that kind of music since I've stopped hanging around her or going to Diablo and I'm not going to change that at all either.

It's just that even though she's a drain, there were some things that were descent about her and some of her influences were a good time. The problem is that the big picture overall is negative unfortunately and to keep my sanity and positive momentum I just have to plain stay away from her.

Anyway here's a happy uplifting German Synthpop song for these times...

Here is my lame attempt to be you.

This is from the Toronto vs. San Jose game last night up @ the ACC






























It was a pretty good game as the Rock came back from behind.

Other than that it was a pretty good time sampling diferent Rickard's brands. For the most part I'm a fan of Rickard's Red, but I tried their White and India Pale Ale. Their White was descent but their IPA was really lacking in flavor. If I would call it anything it would be IPA "Light" since it only gave lip service to that type of beverage.

But other than that I didn't do anything in TO, I just basically hoped back in the car since my Uncle was driving. One of these days I'm just going to book myself a hotel and make a long weekend out of it this summer.

I think I'm going to have "the talk" tomorrow with my Uber Catholic CYO brownshirt "friend" whatever the heck she would be.

Most likely I"m going to go with my one friend and basicaly "lie" about why I'm not interested any more just to attempt to spare her feelings, since I have to work her and don't need any clear disruptions with huge drama. One of the things that my friend advised me on was to just to state that I've been talking to someone else. This may work but I'm kind of leaning towards the whole dreaded "It's not you, It's me" line of reasoning. Well not in that way but in terms of "I've been married before, and in the Catholic Church divorce People don't get 2nd chances, So you'll never be able to have me part of any type of Wedding Mass..." In actuality it was some Presbyterian minister that married me & I theoretically could get married in the Catholic Church, since I never actually was in their eyes, but she doesn't need to know that at all. Man, it's times like these or in arkwad social situations where I am actually glad I did get married just to have something to tell people .

Seriously, I'm at the point where even though none of this really means jack shit as we haven't done anything since she's a 29 year old V Prude [Literally], I really just got miserable being stalked at all times by someone totally pollyanna who believes EVERYTHING the Pope says. What I can be grateful is the lesson that it taught me; in the sense that if I let those traits that annoy the F out of me with her end up being let loose out on my end with someone that I am with, I deserve to be alone.

Yea, I can whine about trivial things. be a pussy about trivial health issues and just be too plain nervous for no reason. It just took me hanging out with someone 10x worse than I have been in more than a decade to show me what I need to be aware of with myself and change or else. I just wish I could record videos of her to remind myself don't act in X manner.

I love those random TXT messages that you just have to figure out. I received one today from someone giving me their new phone number. The problem is that the number wasn't in my contacts. Then I had to think about it for a while and to be honest I still can't figure it out. If it is someone from my past, than I guess they were deleted for a reason.

Other than that I've been working like a maniac trying to grab as much OT as possible. This has meant that I work 6 days a week at least until tomorrow. For some reason I've just been driving headfirst into this work as much as possible and loving it. Maybe it's just that I don't want to be bothered doing anything else that will involve me exposing myself to the world. Eventually I am going to go back to my less strenuous schedule and then I'll have all of this extra time to spend all that I've worked for during this stretch.

Then with all of this free time I'll go on a search for a wife like my boy Eric Schaeffer 't-believe-im-still-single-from-portland-to-portland/EP01050221 :-/ I'm only saying this since I saw him tonight wearing the same Polo Ralph Lauren underwear as myself and it really creeped me out. I've never watched a show where on one end I was kind of proud that I had the same weird traits as the star and yet utterly horrified at the same time that I had the same traits as the star. The only thing that I can say in my favor is that I don't get sucked into going on "dates" with women that end up confessing during the middle of the outing that they have a boyfriend. But shit if I'm still "broken" in whatever capacity he's broken in at that age, I don't know what I'll do...

I hung out with my Ex today and realized how on one end she was fantastic and on the other end tragically why it wasn't meant to be. Her and I went out and had dinner at Towne and then just walked up and down Elmwood today just chit chatting and having justs plain intelligent conversation. Plus meeting her out and picking up some red horseradish that she picked up for me earlier from the Broadway Market didn't hurt either.

It just kind of bums me out that the work wife just takes things literally. She isn't the type to inquire to ask why things are the why they are, for her she'll accept the Church's teachings. While with my Ex and I today had a pretty good talk about something she saw on the Discovery Channel.

The question I'm starting to ask is, "What am I getting out of my current realtionship?" The first answer just may be my desire to almost figure out myself, what makes me tick and how can I change the way the world sees me. This almost seems to be a journey of getting in touch with my inner altar boy. Because at one point in my life I was just like her, buying into everything the Catholic Church sold lock, stock and barrel. The thing is there was a point in high school where I just threw most of it to the wind.

I realized that all the anxiety, guilt and hangups that I have been fighting within my psyche may have originated from being too much of a Catholic when I was younger. To hear her talk about "not wanting to have sex" because she's afraid to get pregnant @ age 29 is really eye opening and frightening. I thought along those lines at one point of my life and really regret getting left in the starting gate of sexual development/dating with that kind of guilty fear instilled in me at such a young age.

It's just that I'm looking at this as not a relationship but me dating myself or actually battling my inner core subconscious as a child type of thing. Never the less it seems that this has happened at this point of my life to deal with and learn about the thing that made me who I am today and change them for the better going forward.

It seems that I haven't posted anything of substance for a while. Honestly, it's been due to the fact that I've been an Overtime whore @ work, grabbing and working most of the hours offered. Today I went in and worked 8 this Saturday just because I have this possible irrational fear that I won't have enough money. It's just driving me mad lately and I don't know why. Heck, I even shorted a gold stock on Friday just to squeeze out a couple of bucks.

So with me spending all this time at work, I've also been spending some way too much time with my work wife. All I can say is that my initial read was correct, she's totally pure as snow. Come on, I worked in a Poker Room for a while; you learn to read people or donate your money.

So in spending sometime with her tonight I kind of got smacked with my past. She's so Catholic it isn't even funny. Which isn't a bad thing other than I feel like the accusative gadfly since I consider myself a "recovering Catholic!" ;-) But the reaction I got which pretty much felt like "I'm troubled that you're trying to trying to debate me and chip away at my faith" was not all that cool. I know that if ever I wanted to debate anyone on this site about religion, I wouldn't have a problem other than possible biting more than I could chew off and having it run over the alloted time I had available. To me if you're of a faith you're should be willing and able to defend it, rather than say "We're not having this conversation."

SO Yeah, in a weird way this kind of works. I'm dealing with someone that wants to take it at a snail's pace and I kind of like the fact that pressure is off. A part of me is kind of relieved that on one hand I'll just have someone to hang with and not worry about complicating things. [This is where the Chris Rock Reference for th e title comes in] On another hand I know that if I push it and get what I want, I'll just leave another woman worse off than I left her. I'm only saying this due to the fact that I've been having pretty intense conversations with my Ex about how she totally isn't "right in the head" and how I "broke her heart" and this is with the fact that it had been almost 3 years now. Although now that I think about it a bunch of my other Ex's don't have things too good right now; But I'm sticking to the economy and even though this may sound like projection, I'm blaming the economy...




On a less serious note I've seen "Reality Bites" on the Dish 3 times in a week. Seriously I forgot about the movie for about a decade and all of a sudden it's always on! Maybe it's the economy and the slacker characters are now once again relevant?

Yea, I don't get that "I must go see X Show" motivation too often but for some reason I just want to go See Jane's Addiction. NIN really hasn't done anything for me that has gotten me too excited for about the last 10 years. I guess with teeth was OK but you just can't listen to Trent too much or you'll just attach a dark ion to your outlook on life.

Yea a great time last night as always. It's always odd to remember the bits of conversation that you overhear. This one I really don't know where it came from other than some guy was talking about this song




Other than that I did have3 an interesting time analyzing myself with @carolinian on the porch

He's so right in a way, there is something deep inside my subconscious that needs to be dealt with for me to continue to progress.



So there it is the ball of nervous uptight energy that needs to be sprung.

I'm bummed that Nu blew the first ever post-season home game tonight. They just couldn't hit free throws. Gone are m delusions of grandeur of them actually being a NCAA Quality team. The only thing I could take was the fact that at lest George Mason lost to Penn St; If Mason won & NU had a the potential to host a 2nd round game I would have went nuts.

Ok on to the real tournament Thursday, that Play-In game is so fake.

Yea, I am backing myself into a corner and I'm going to have to make a decision. The sad part is that it's going to reverberate for a while given my current work structure will most likely be in place for a while. Here's the situation, I'm kind of seeing/talking to someone that I work very closely with on a daily basis. It's something that kind of fell into my lap as I didn't put any effort into hitting on her, it just came. If one thing comes out of this it's that at least I can say that I do possess some level of attractiveness that can lure someone in without putting on the whole charming front that guys in most cases must do to "hit on" someone.

So here I am with this person and in my best interest I've basically handled this with kid gloves, since I don't want this to become a grease fire & shitting in my nest is something that is not on my list of things to experience in life.

So here's my problem: She's pretty attractive and very moral in the sense that she's a church girl and even does music for various Catholic Churches. But as I've eluded to in I'm not used to the role of being the dominate male especially with someone who is more vanilla than I've experienced since I got my relationship psyche cleaned out by a couple of crazy love interests from my past.

Just like the Angel on one shoulder and the Devil on the other duking it out I have this dilemma on my hands. I think my mind has been tainted in the "Tainted Love" sense by the alternagoth queens that I've always ended up with in the past that produced great longing and sex. Then again I've always have been battling this dark feeling of helplessness every time I come across some obstacle that most people can just get over but to me and my perception always seems monolithic. Nothing will scare a normal chick away like that kind weak, helpless whining. I've always felt this way, but luckily it only comes cyclically. Or at least less frequently due to me playing a big game of avoiding making large decisions in life to snuff out an possibility of me mourning a shitty decision and taking a trip down a spiral for weeks or a couple months at a time due to that one thing.

So anyway I have this chick that's into me and is pretty nice and wholesome. The last thing I want to do is fuck with her head as I have with so many people [Although for most of those participants, it was mutual] But at the same time the inner Catholic altar boy wants a nice wholesome no psycho wife that will be all quaint and "normal" whatever that means anymore or in actuality some concept of "normal" from the unobtainable permanently lost past.

There's just a battle in me that has been going on for years. The "normal" person that can hang with frat boys versus the dark existentialist that loves indie films and depressed artistic sex fiends with multicolored yarn hair that listen to stuff that makes NIN sound mild. The excuse of blaming my high school just isn't cutting it anymore. Do I have to make a decision or marry someone that will force me to live a secret double life?

Yea, I have issues I know...