🏷️ reflection

If I was confident that I wouldn't completely pass out, I would sneak into Fort Niagara tonight and engage in a star-gazing session. There is a hill, in the middle of the soccer field that would be a perfect spot to throw down a blanket and just look up at the universe.

Once I have an idea in my head, I tend to perseverate on it unil I do it. I take a look every night from my front yard.. but something is drawing me to that hill. Now that I think about it, I did something similar, back in February. @theecarey #96

I took a 'friend' on a late night jaunt through the village, eventually ending up in the Fort. There was just a little bit of snow falling, which helped provide the ability to see in the "closed after dusk" state park. After walking down to the beach, and treking throughout the park, I (only me) climbed up the hill and layed down in the snow.. looking up at the sky, seeing just a few dim stars and plenty of clouds. And I thought.. I need to come back to look at the stars. Funny, that my friend didn't care for this spontaneous adventure. So while there was someone (kinda) with me, it was singularly experienced.. and what an experience it was. I was tickled by it for days. Ahh, lessons learned.

I've fallen asleep plenty of times laying under the stars, although it was usually in the backyard as a kid...and no concern for getting up for work. Or when camping..

I love camping. Enjoying the warmth and glow of a bonfire, the smokey/earthy smells, the standard nightmare of a wild Carey-eating bear tearing through my tent, sub-par showers (if any), being lazy (as in, lay in grass and read a book from start to finish), hiking and eating strange concoctions...whatever food that can be mustered together. .or ordering a pizza to the site, just because you find out that they do that, lol.

I've gone during the summer, I loooove going in the fall, I really want to try it in the winter--ok, maybe not in a tent (but I would try it).. but a lone cabin in the middle of the woods during a snow storm. All I require is good company, a good book, a bottle of wine and gummie bears. :)

With the sunny, mild weather, more people have been out. I saw plenty of fishermen and boaters out this weekend. Getting on a boat is an absolute must this summer. The lake water was replete with waves. I think today would have constituted an ideal day for lake surfing. The waves were of considerable size and they kept rolling in.

The view of Toronto was clearer than I have ever seen it. I could see buildings/structures for miles. It had an eerie quality to it, as the shape of the building outline reminded me of stonehedge structures.. and it was just odd to see it so well, 30 miles across the water. There are plenty of days that I can see the main buildings with the light reflecting off the windows.. but this weekend.. seeing so much more totally changed the view of the horizon. My camera does not pick up any of it. However, I did take plenty of nature pictures. I need to be on my other computer to load them..Those will come soon.

A good weekend was had, although it wore me out. So, instead of going outside where I am sure to drift to sleep standing up yet alone laying down, I choose to crawl into bed with a school book, that I will read until I pass out (ok, thinking I won't make it past the dust jacket!). I wrap up this post like I wrap up the weekend.. plenty tired and easily amused...and ready to get back to work in the morning.

Have a good night, everyone.

Carey

I really like this song right now. I tried to upload it as a user sound, but alas it is too damn big. Sad.. I encourage you to listen to it somehow, if you haven't already..


Be Still My Heart (by: Postal Service)

I was running late for work
So I didn't change my shirt
The evening's drinks left a lingering taste in my mouth
And when I left
You were fast asleep
Tangled in the sheets
And on the bus I could have sworn it was all a dream
And it didn't happen to me

And then I felt the scrapes
From the slippery subway grate.
Oh how you laughed
At my complete lack of grace.
But I could not recall
A more perfect fall
Cause when I looked up into your eyes
It didn't hurt at all.

And I thought, be still my heart
This could be a brand new start, with you.
And it will be clear
If I wake up and you're still here with me in the morning.

And I thought, be still my heart
This could be a brand new start, with you.
And it will be clear
If I wake up and you're still here with me in the morning.



Happiness manifests in many forms; if you allow it.

Growing up, the strongest sense of elation and happiness was brought about by milestones and novel life experiences. Birthdays (all of them, but especially those centered around turning of age events), Firsts (riding a bike, winning a fight, drink, kiss, car, sex, etc), and Achievements (out of the diaper and onto the toilet, haha,- yeh, I remember these things- also school projects, graduations, personal hurdles, for some; marriage, babies, divorce, reconciliation- anything you deem an achievement). Other means for that sense of elation are those that center on Newness-- new relationships, new friendships, new job, new car, new toys, new newness.

When we become adults,(ie; you accept responsibility and make choices beyond yourself) our experiences shape our daily outlook and attitude. Milestones become more random and sometimes dreaded. At this point, we must be active in attaining that sense of elation.

Many moments of elation stem from a singular event. You look forward to IT, you work towards IT, IT appears to be happening, IT happens, You are HAPPY because of IT: Temporarily. Then the feelings surrounding IT seem to fade. That is natural progression of how our brains operate. Major events bring upon short lived elation. Blame it on neurotransmitters. This is just what it does when you are dating someone you really dig:


(and neurotransmitters can also depress the ability to feel happy- which is not indicative of a persons choice of lifestyle or attitude- but of their mental make-up- so this would not necessarily apply; in which I offer hugs and support not so much wisdom.. )

So how does one become a happy individual? Although we can't quite achieve that sense of elation (naturally) for an extended period of time, there are ways to increase your sense of happiness. I am confident that you all know what I am talking about, and I am also guessing that there are those of you who this comes more naturally to. Good for you..

So this happy feeling- Are you ready to go there?

Each day you must find things that make you smile, laugh, think, feel good, feel safe--did I mention laugh? To wait for the next big thing- or next newness is striving for a temporary boost. It is great to feel the excitement of something new or feeling a sense of accomplishment when something you have worked for has come to fruition. Sure, it can be the catalyst for greater things to come. However, lets go deeper than that..

At the beginning of your day, ask yourself, How can I make this day better? (what can I say, do, not do), at the end of the day, reflect:"How could I have made this day better? Neither are ones that you would do daily, if at all.. and for some, they already do, even if they are not aware of it; and if you are, that is very powerful stuff.

Don't wait for someone to do or say something specific to make you happy. Believe it or not, you have quite a bit of control in that area.

How so?

Attitude. I don't mean walking around with a cheesy smile on your face and ignoring all that is going on around you.. (although sometimes it is tempting.. ), I mean, your outlook on life, the degree to which you feel you are responsible for the things that go on in it and expecting the best for yourself, knowing you can pull through anything that is thrown at you, letting go of things you cannot control, biting your tongue when all someone needs is an ear, having gratitude, cherishing those people who are in your life that you care about, worrying less about what people/society expects from you and follow through on your own expectations. Letting it out rather than bottling it in, compassion for peoples stupidity (rather than devising ways to get back at them), FIND HUMOR in as much as you can; view life as a comedy. Laugh at yourself. Pat yourself on the back. Be kind to yourself--your negative thoughts will have an overall effect on you.


Your attitude is your responsibility. For those that are not aware of this responsibility, they will find that there are in a perpetual cycle of starting and ending things in pursuit of this elation feeling. People will continually seek the Newness, and when that fades, they gravitate towards the next New Thing. Its ok to seek a new challenge--but it has to be out of personal motivation and perhaps the need to change as opposed to forming a temporary sense of well being.

Think about this: there is happiness in perseverance. There is happiness in the bond and history you share and build with someone. There are the systemic effects of the initial IT that you went for. For example, I was intensely elated upon gaining entrance into Grad School. That feeling has faded.. however, I am happy that I am formally learning and challenging myself. I know that my life is better for it. I am a better person for it. On the relationship side, I imagine that after the initial newness has subsided, that other feelings will replace it, permanently. That person will be included in my world of being able to laugh, smile, think, feel safe, take on the world together, be cherished, and that my attitude will work to make the days as happy as possible.

I find happiness in simple things. Much of it is in the things, experiences and people I love.

I don't wait for the perfect moment to do or say something. Some times are better than others, of course. Sometimes I am chicken to say and do things.. ahh I have plenty to learn :)

I am not constantly running around with a smile on my face, full of bubbling cheerfulness (yikes). I know what the general discussion of happiness and elation is about. --original post, find it here: @byllc #3
I get it; but my thoughts on the subject took me elsewhere, hence this post. One train of thought begot another.

For the record, I do not have life down to a science- I don't know everything. Often I feel that I do not know much at all. Yet I find myself thinking, I wondering, forming thoughts, then I share them. I am aware. I listen. I observe. I learn. I unlearn. I make mistakes. I don't always do things right, but I try to do the right thing.

Random moments off the top of my head..

Elation at finding out about my entrance into grad school.. will be done in August, yet graduation ceremony is Friday May 19th at 1pm

Finally coping with issues, stress, feelings in a positive manner�¢?"not backsliding into self destructive behavior. A little is fine, used as a crutch and not dealing with underlying problem, is not. I had a moment a couple of weeks ago, that I was so damn proud of myself that I felt that tinge of elation--before I burst into tears, haha.. Seriously though, that has kept me going..

Photography: Jumping into icy Lake Ontario for a close up shot of an icicle, that was amusing- of which has not been an isolated incident. I do entirely random stuff.. I don't care. I like it--contributes to my happiness :)

Good music, dancing, letting go.. feeling it and moving to it.

Appreciating little things, moments in the day that tickle me or that I can reflect on.

Seeing, experiencing, being intricately part of the progress of a particular (autistic) child that I work with. I am deeply proud of him on a daily basis. Just today we played catch with a nerfball. This coming from years of zero eye contact, no interaction with the world around him, limited verbal and high frequency of severely intense, aggressive, dangerous behavior. Too see him look at me and laugh along with me while we played catch. Amazing..

Deeply appreciating friendships, knowing who I can talk to.

Great conversations, connections, bonding, spending time with people whose company I thoroughly enjoy.

Writing, singing, nature, closeness, comedy, playing outside (anyone up for some nerf tossing?)

Ahh, kissing. The kind that you can fall in love over.

Embracing my child-like ways (not childish- there is a distinction)- big Happiness factor.



Hmm...so the last time I felt that sense of elation was....




Good night, be safe, smile for me..
XO Carey

Extreme Ways

extreme ways are back again
extreme places i didn't know
i broke everything new again
everything that i'd owned
i threw it out the windows, came along
extreme ways i know move apart
the colors of my sea
perfect color me

extreme ways that that help me
help me out late at night
extreme places i had gone
but never seen any light
dirty basements, dirty noise
dirty places coming through
extreme worlds alone
did you ever like it planned

i would stand in line for this
there's always room in life for this

oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, it fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, it fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
like it always does, always does

extreme songs that told me
they helped me down every night
i didn't have much to say
i didn't get above the light
i closed my eyes and closed myself
and closed my world and never opened
up to anything
that could get me along

i had to close down everything
i had to close down my mind
too many things to cover me
too much can make me blind
i've seen so much in so many places
so many heartaches, so many faces
so many dirty things
you couldn't believe

i would stand in line for this
it's always good in life for this

oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, it fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, it fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
like it always does, always does
~Moby


One day recently, with the sun shining, people and cars all around.. fresh air awakening the spirit, in this sleepy town... I walk to think. So much on the mind, a long, brisk, urgent walk in nature was needful. iPod and my thoughts, I set out to reflect. Moby, Extreme Ways comes on, and for some reason that i can't quite figure out, it seems fitting for the day.. It felt powerful against the backdrop of my thoughts and the visual information taken in along the way. I post the lyrics here as it is also my user sound.

Dana and I ventured out to the art installation at the Hotel Lennox, or more commonly referred to as, "The Peep Show", Saturday night.

Walking around the hotel, making our way through the crowds, we observed people of all ages and mental states. Whether at the hotel to party or to contemplate art (or both), people were evidently enjoying themselves. I partially stripped, threw on some pajamas and hopped in bed with @robin. Nice to met you :)

Pleasantly, I saw a handful of people I know. However, my hellos were short as I was drawn to the unknown. Strangers were the most intriguing, to look at and to talk to. We found ourselves engaging in many interesting conversations. I enjoy talking to people, transcending boundaries and personal space :)

I did not have anything to drink before or during this viewing. I enjoyed my calm, clear, peaceful affect while mingling with the others.

I have put my camera away for now. It will be available for certain moments.. but I am cutting back on snapping a picture for the sake of "preserving a memory". Especially when it ends up being the same picture over and over! Funny, that I realized that some of my memories of late are actually strengthened by not having the camera attached to me; I was in the moment and not in the camera lens.

The camera will be ready and willing for original-interesting moments and my nature-life journeys. Atleast that is the plan, haha.

Reflecting back on the weekend, I think my fondest memory was looking out the window of hotel room 845. The view of Buffalo from the eighth floor of the hotel was amazing.The snow was falling, covering the street, building, cars and people.. the image was ageless and enchanting. Thanks for sharing the moment, @matthew..

Two vodka-sodas w/ lime at Pink and 1/2 turkey on wheat w/ french fries (Vehichles for Ketchup) at Jims, rounded out the night.

Onto other news..

• Back to work after a few days off. I enjoyed the time to myself but it is always good to get back.. even if I am already looking forward to the weekend. I stayed up super late most days of this past week. Having to get to sleep at a reasonable hour and waking up about the time I went to bed at least a few days this week, was a challenge. I set my alarm extra early to get up and exercise-stretch. It worked out to my advantage and I will continue to do this. Usually I roll out of bed and into my car (well, pit stop at the bathroom for toothbrushing!).

• I hear movement in the apartment next to me. I think my neighbor is beginning to move in. Maybe I will see more of him this weekend. Apparently he is 25-26 years old.. I will post more on that development later.

• Mardi Gras festivities tomorrow.. Who is doing what? Not sure what my plans are. Most likely a quiet night in front of the lap top and school books. I am up for something.. but not drinking (much or any). I go to work early in the morning.. Good conversation maybe? Good food? Glass of wine? ..

• I made an amazing grilled portebello mushroom for dinner tonight-- it was topped w/ a spinkling of sharp cheddar, balsamic vinegar and garlic. My creations are endless and amazingly satisfying. I am on a roll..

• Online D&D just rolled out.. I must refrain from looking into it!!

Alright everyone, be good, be healthy, stay warm!

Carey

I love [search]typeHere[/search] Let me count the ways..

I am impressed with the degree of passion for a variety of topics that are written about on this site. Particularly so in the very personal topics of politics, gender and relationships where intensity, assertiveness, determination and on some level, desperation that surrounds it is evident and refreshing. I love that people have thoughts and express them, no matter how the thoughts may be perceived. Hell, this is a journal, a dedicated spot to share ones thoughts. The reader doesn't have to like it. It would be shameful for people to edit their content, length or authenticity to suit the reader. So while things certainly get heated around here, it is that sparring and the passion that backs it that I can appreciate.

I thought I had missed some postings by my fellow e-strippers. I checked out the links from @jason [inlink]jason,292[/inlink]and @ladycroft [inlink]ladycroft,138[/inlink]and the subsequent comments pertaining to the ubiquitous topic of gender and relationships. So while I cleaned my apartment, I thought about some of what I read. This post touched upon only some of it, although it is lengthy:

People are generally looking for the same thing. To be noticed, to be respected and to get laid. Not an exhaustive list and not necessarily in that order, eh?

Read on, kind e-strippers. I write as I think. Thoughts and questions that cross my mind and are not directed at anyone:

How do you want to be treated?

And then how do you go about getting that?

I don't think people willingly ask to be treated like some sub standard amusement, so why allow it?

You aren't getting a particular individuals attention, so you are ok with alternating your behavior to get noticed? You really want someone to notice the un-you? Then when the real you surfaces (and it will because you can't change your core-being) you can't figure out why you or they are miserable..

If you are a nice person continue to be nice. if you are a bitch/dick head, continue on.. its who you are.

You are skeptical, hesitant and distant to the possibilities because you are basing it all on statistics, what your friends have told you, your past experiences and what you see in the media (and on Chippewa, hehe).

You don't know what to say, what to do or how to act to 'attract' the attention of an individual, and you wonder why no one is noticing? What is there to notice? A confused, passive, closed off, watered down version of the individual that you really are (when no one is looking..) Not so attractive!!!

hmmm, lets see: Girls making themselves "attractive" to guys. Nothing new there. Look at the magazines, shows and all the products. Guys making themselves "attractive" to girls. Yep it happens and is becoming more apparent. If there is a buyer, you know there is a seller. And just as there are guys who dig the made up chicks, there are girls that are all for the equal effort. Ok, not a big deal. Let them hook up with each other. k, easy enough.

If you don't dig it so much, please don't change yourself just so you get the attention of those people. It perpetuates your state of misery and discontent, not to mention disregard for your self esteem.

From the aesthetic point of view, I like a guy to look good. I like when they are groomed, smell good and have some style. I also like them the same when they are unshaven, are wearing week old jeans, wild hair and have some b.o. (not the dirty kind, but the natural guy scent). Ok, there was a time that I used to really dislike body hair, but that has totally changed; which is great. I love how soap scent lingers..Mmmmmmmmm

All that shows that they are human and while they take pride in themselves, they are comfortable in who they are. And that is hot.

When you are not comfortable in your own skin, it shows; and that isn't nearly as attractive as someone who is comfortable and confident with themself.

As for myself, I primp. I buy the products, I take care of things- girlyish but not consumed in the process or end product. I do this because I want to, not for the attraction of another. I wear make up and lip gloss. I style my hair. I wear skirts, stockings, shoes, sexy lingerie and perfume. I also wear jeans, old beat-up hoodies, days that I don't brush my hair or style it and I get dirty (but I still wear lip gloss and shave!).

As for actions, well, its great to do things for others. I am all for doing something to make someone happy, but not in that losing myself, losing my identity sort of way. It is about offering what I can to enhance the other persons life. I wont be a 'slave' as that suggests doing something out of having to. What I decide to do is all because it is something that I want to do, because it is someone I care about, a lot. And because this post is about relationships, it is reciprocated. (But not keeping score). If ity seems too complicated, then it isn't right. If you are looking out for one another, than all that should come pretty naturally. Ha, I once bought dinner (just some pizza and wings) for a guy, who responded in "what are you the guy in the relationship?" so, I answer, "as long as you put out, its all good". Yep, the 'experation date' on that guy came up real quick after that.

@jason, I keep coming back around to your post. This is because you made some great points, there are good examples and this topic comes up in your journals. And I like your thinking.

So, holy hell, lets examine the lemon girl.. that is definitely a matter of respect, on both parts. Hers for not having any for him and he for not having any for himself. And I am sure everyone has seen, heard of or directly experienced disrespect. It cannot be excused as one gender, race, culture or another. It is a specific person being an asshole (from here on I use the term asshole to represent the worst of the male and female stereotype).

It is that same asshole who sees the opposite sex for entertainment purposes only. Sure it drives me nuts, it frustrates me that this asshole ruins it for both men and women. Girls think that they are only entertainment for guys and guys end up thinking that they are just entertainment and otherwise useless for the ladies. And so both of us end up with that mindset and in some ways begin acting the mindset. Then we fuck things up because we are not being ourselves, we are operating on past bad experience, we don't talk about it and we attribute everything to all the fuck ups of all the assholes that we have seen, heard, dated, read about or are friends with.

And maybe at some point in our lives we were those assholes.

and so; LET IT GO. Grow up, make your own decisions, live the life that YOU want to lead, expect respect and don't allow anyone to get in the way of being who you want to be. HOWEVER- don't assume that everyone you meet is just like the assholes you have dealt with in the past. You treat them like they are that past asshole, and you know what?? they become it. YOu begin to look for those things in them and after time, they appear. It isn't their fault, it is YOURS.

All men are irresponsible mindless dumb jerks? guess what? every guy you meet will be an irresponsible mindless dumb jerk.

All women are use men for entertainment and only seek guys to see that they can get from them? well then, guess who you will meet?


I speak only for myself, although I wouldn't doubt that some readers may be able to relate. Whether male or female, we go through similar experiences. It is our individual differences that make things so complex. If we really could be easily clumped into respective stereo types, all would be easier. But when we do, thats where the trouble begins.

I can't possibly stereo type men without doing them a world of injustice; as should be expected of such. I love men. I love people's differences in behavior, interests, education, habits, appearance and values. My attraction to a guy is not limited to what he can do for me or how similar he is to me. I am speaking of the more personal relationship aspect here. Getting laid, casual amusements and other "uncategorized" relations are not the focus (as fun as all that can be it also influences the "assholism" tendencies; which is not always a bad thing, but when seeking something more 'fulfilling' there are more choices to be made, things to consider, some things to stay away from.)

I have been in situations that have tested my ideals and values. Maybe I am different (but I doubt it), maybe it is maturity (to some degree), or maybe it is my upbringing (more likely) that I think, feel and behave the way that I do.

Do I want a guy that will financially take care of me? I haven't thought about it. It has never been a "dream" or an ideal for me. I think there are people that want and expect to be taken care of. I can't fathom it, personally. I am not even looking for someone who makes more money than I do, not that that would be difficult, lol. I have experienced financial ruin and never once did I think to "land a man" to take care of the problem. And it certainly isn't from a lack of offers. During that period of time I would not date because I had less than zero money to my name. It was very uncomfortable. I never expect to have all of the activities paid for. I have no problem taking care of the bill. Is that unusual? Its fun to pool our money together for an outing, or surprise someone with taking care of something or knowing that is not an issue or a matter of keeping score. I get paid this week and you don't? well, its my treat. I don't operate on rules. Sure, take me out for dinner, buy me flowers, do something thoughtful. But you know what? I am very likely to do those things as well. It is great to see and hear someone happy by your actions and thoughtfulness. There are things much deeper than a few bucks that will make me notice and be attracted to an individual. And it neither starts nor ends with the checkbook.

I have had men flaunt their financial assets thinking that I would find that attractive. In one case the guy made sure to let me know he had over two million in the bank. Maybe I was dumb not to accept dinner in Paris, lol. Or an impromptu jaunt to NYC. I have friends that would have atleast used him for some of the things he offered justifying that it would have been his stupidity for offering to take care of things financially like that. However, I have never been comfortable in that. Sometimes I wondered if I was missing out by decling those things through my life. My point? I couldn't bring myself to date someone I wasn't "attracted" to. And I can't use someone, not like that (again, sex relations are separate discussion- I didn't have sex with this person, however, I recently found out that this guy has told people that he has. Why??). I do have friends that would have jumped all over those guys.

Now, what if I were attracted? Well, it is their money, not mine. Same thing when they show off their expensive cars, trucks, homes, and other material goods. So what? IF all a guy has to offer me is a wad of cash (or other things related toi money) then they really have nothing to offer me. If a guy only has cash to offer a woman, than that is the only kind of woman they are going to attract. ahhhhhhh? see they pattern, now???? yet, funny that these same guys end up bitching about the fact that they only attract women that want their money. I just generalized all that, but try to see the message more than just what the words are.

You could be poor (but not living in a card board box or your moms basement), drive an old car, have minimal amount of "stuff" and guess what? I don't care! Certain things will tell me that you are reliable and responsible for your life; that you aren't a lazy bum looking for a free ride (still not talking about sex, kiddos). You pay your rent, bills and attend to other life responsibilities. YOu have life goals and aspiratons, that you work toward them and keep going. You enjoy life and look for the positive, not focus on negative. If you do happen to live in your moms basement, well.. there has to be a good reason, haha.


Am I so independent that I would never allow it? That is a bit extreme; I don't think any one of us can be that independent. I aim to be able to take care of myself. I have been doing fine (even with the financial ruin/ back injury/ life turned upside down and inside out days) for a long time. I recall some of my friends thinking that I was rich or had access to a trust because I never complained about money and always managed to have some. I don't complain out loud. Thats just me. I don't spend that much money and when I do, it means that I am super careful for a period afterwards. I grew up poor. You don't miss what you don't have. And really, what I do does not cost that much; occasional beer and pizza? That's a sure sign of financial security ;) Some of the stuff I have now have been gifts from family, hand me downs, or road side finds that I have a knack for making beautiful. Or simply a reward to myself for pulling a 4.0 average. Hell yeah! I am defending myself because I get a sense that some of my friends continue to be under the impression that I live richly in the materialistic sense. It doesn't cost much to keep things clean and looking nice.

Have I been in a position where I have led the relationship financially? Yep, sure have. But not in the way that I ever care to again. He shirked responsibility in that sense. Rent money used for drugs. Well, everything was second to drugs. That greatly affected the relationship and was a large part of why we split. Anyhow, I would do it with out question for any other circumstance. It is about mutually taking care of each other. The balance of our strengths and weaknesses. If in a hypothetical situation, a significant other was down, I am there to help him back up, and in a relationship with me, I would be confident that he would offer the same. Who ever he may be..

See it is about taking on the world. All the fucked up things that go on, I want to be able to turn to my significant other and be able to know that we are never against each other. I expect disagreement, sparring, and some potentially uncomfortable situations to arise, but it would not be grounds for sleeping on the couch, silent treatments or dismissal. I would think a lot of us would want that. So then, why is it so complicated?

If I had the answers, I would write a book. But not of the "are men necessary?" variety, 'cause, I doubt my glow in the dark friend has a life time warranty. Har har.
I have heard that the more education and work experience a female has, the lesser their desire to marry or something. It was probably an excerpt from that book for all I know. It certainly can't be generalized across the board, but I can see that there are women out there that do not want a guy who has less education than them. A lot of people seem to think equality has something to do with similar levels of formal education and income. Hmm, no, not so much. I bet you know people who have a ridiculous amount of formal education that do not know anything at all, or all that they know is very specific to the degree earned. Or how about those that have a wealth of life education. They love to learn about all sorts of things and they apply their knowledge yet they do not have a degree.

I know I prefer someone who has been to college. But if I had my doctorate would I limit myself to only those with similar education? My first thought is that education level shouldn't matter. I definitely do not think that the guy is sub standard, that's fucked up. More likely the concern would fall into whether they were comfortable with my having an advanced degree. I never really thought about it.. I am working on my masters, but I don't look for someone with the same amount of formal education. It is silly to me.

I seek something deeper than the typical superficial crap, and yes, a piece of paper is still superficial to me, even though I prefer a college educated individual. It is just a preference and not an absolute. My rationale behind it has more to do with that I always equated it to demonstrated ability for follow through, responsibility, commitment to oneself and an interest in learning. This is not axiomatic, it is a deep rooted perception that I have held coming from an otherwise uneducated family (they did not go or did not finish college, then struggled with or shirked responsibility). I am always learning and trying to evaluate my thought process.

I don't have a wish list of attributes. There are a few fundamentals..

• You must respect yourself.
  
• Be yourself.
  
• Expect that you are accepted "as is"; I will not change you. I will not save you.

(some people really dig this, but I have come across those that are really weirded out by it..it goes against everything they have ever experienced, but that goes back to respecting yourself, I guess)

• Be compassionate and respectful towards other people and animals.
  
• Communicate. Despite popular belief I am not a mind reader.
  
• Have a sincere desire for stability, loyalty and experience of life.

"Thee" wish list? That would be "thee" asshole in me.. You can find out all that fun stuff later :)

BTW, I received the heat bill in the mail today. Holy cripes I can't afford to heat my apartment this winter! Laugh or cry? Hmm.. Laugh.
No big deal, I'll just set the thermostat way back and live in my bedroom under a pile of blankets. I had the heat cranked comfortably to where I could lounge in a tank top and sleep pants. No socks. And I had recently taken to sleeping nude. I don't want that to change so I made sure to put on the flannel sheets and a few extra blankets. I should be set.
I know it is cold in the apartment when the kitty has taken to sleeping curled up in a tight little ball. Icicles forming on his tail.

I started this post earlier in the night, left for a bit, came back to it. Now I wrap it up as I polish off a glass of Emu Shiraz
Got out the web cam for the fun of it.. some G rated photos..

Half asleep..






Joey woke to the snapping of the camera.. My baby boy JOOOOEEEEEEYYYYYYYYY He is always whereever I am at.






Thats it for now.

Take care,
Carey

11 pm.
Restlessness persists,
I accept the silence.
Do I dream tonight?


I ventured outside for a breath of cool fresh air; suprised by the clear sky replete with stars.
How I wanted to take a walk, yet the darkness and the unknown held me back. In t-shirt, sleep pants and slippers, I stepped out onto the driveway and made my way down to the mailbox, all the while gazing up into the starry night. An empty mailbox reminds me that all my bills are paid. A perusal of the neighborhood announces that the time for slumber has arrived. Everywhere it is quiet and the lights are dim; is noone awake but I? I inhale deeply as I return wistfully to the empty warmth of my apartment.


As crazy as my Thursday schedule is, I look forward to it. I manage to juggle full time work, full time school and a personal life with aplomb. I don't hold myself so rigidly to a schedule or expectations of anyone or myself that everything must go smoothly or it all falls apart. Actually I work well with the nuances of life. I am never sure what to expect and have incorporated latitude for such occurances; and when some things aren't so fabulous, I remind myself what and who in my life is pretty fabulous.

Earlier in the week I had the unexpected opportunity to bring my car to the shop. I had to quickly arrange a means for alternate transportation, which worked out fine, other than having to miss a few hours of work. Today I receive a call that my car "should be completed by closing", and once again, must arrange for transportation involving picking up the car and returning borrowed car to owner. In this case, I missed some class time, which bothered me but I managed alright. It meant that I was home earlier than normal and allowed me to slow down a little.

I had walked in the door, wrapped myself in a blanket and fell asleep on the couch for a couple of hours. I awoke around 10 pm. I didn't mean to do that! So, now, approaching midnight, I am wide awake. I have a small book collection that I haven't really taken a look at in awhile. I rarey read poetry and there are collections of stories that I would llike to reread. A very recent conversation on various writers has sparked my desire to revisit works I have read in the past, including poetry. I have a few anthologies that I must dust off. I feel like I am getting ready to go on an archeaological dig. The more I think, the more I remember. And the more I want to know... Thank you.
One of my favorite poems, by Chidiock Tichborne


On the eve of execution


1My prime of youth is but a frost of cares,
2My feast of joy is but a dish of pain,
3My crop of corn is but a field of tares,
4And all my good is but vain hope of gain.
5The day is gone and I yet I saw no sun,
6And now I live, and now my life is done.


7The spring is past, and yet it hath not sprung,
8The fruit is dead, and yet the leaves are green,
9My youth is gone, and yet I am but young,
10I saw the world, and yet I was not seen,
11My thread is cut, and yet it was not spun,
12And now I live, and now my life is done.


13I sought my death and found it in my womb,
14I lookt for life and saw it was a shade,
15I trode the earth and knew it was my tomb,
16And now I die, and now I am but made.
17The glass is full, and now the glass is run,
18And now I live, and now my life is done.

As a conspirator in the plot to murder Queen Elizabeth, this young man was executed by hanging (but not before being publicly disemboweled alive!!) Chidiock wrote this three stanza poem to his wife, the night before his execution.


I think that I will also dig into the archives of my writing. I should have a plethora of essays, critiques, reflections, poetry, somewhere around here..

I think it is finally time to fall back asleep. And the weekend is almost officially here. Yay!

Take care and be safe,
Carey