05/16/09 12:43 - ID#48678
As the Axe Turns- estrip tales of horror
or she might just hack your ass in half!
the saga begins with one guys search for an 'over processed hair-public transportation cutie', a concerned (but sketchy?) online "friend" who says, "beware of axe murderers", and a voice from the shadows telling this sordid tale.
"Everything is red she is hearing death metal in her head, and not even the bands she likes."
the drama continues as the mysterious "concerned friend" rises from her icy tomb and is hungry... hungry for cheap groceries, "the perfect book" and revenge for anyone who dares takes her books away.
This means YOU,book nazi.
"No book for you!"
ah, and no last word for you but the shriek of your limbs being hacked off with a special Japanese axe.
see (e:theli), (e:tinypliny) and (e:metalpeter) unravel the full story (and comments and ensuing silliness) at:
(e:metalpeter), i don't know what to say. I want to write a comment but I can't even begin to do so right now, but I will. I was just laughing so damn hard that I woke my sleeping bf, and disturbed my lounging cats. I need to reread the whole thread and your brilliant additions to the "(e:) true-story" haha
cracked me up, thank you thank you thank you
04/01/09 04:45 - ID#48258
made me laugh
03/07/09 04:15 - ID#47976
Baileys Ice Cream Freudian Dreams
Usually my dreams are replete with adventure, sex, espionage, quantum physics and tons of weirdness.
One of the last ones I had this morning was one where I dreampt of alcohol, of being in a liquor store shopping for a small dinner party later that night. For reasons that do not necessarily mimic real life choices, I was searching for super sweet selections. ie; ice wine, Tequila Rose, Kahlua, Baileys*. I recall finding odd shaped bottles of pre made martinis. On the shelf were several frosted glass isosceles triangular bottles, the long tip being the opening, and somehow, also the bottom of the bottle. I bypassed those momentarily, as the thought of making mudslides sounded really good.
Still dreaming, this idea prompted me to entertain the idea of alcoholic ice cream. I spoke about it to the friend in my dream. Lovely cool scoops of ice cream that tasted like any sort of beverage you desired, and actually had that alcohol contained within. MmMmmMmmmm. My dream proceeded onto more interesting material, and there was a lot more to even this one, but this little bit remained as a fresh memory upon waking.
Now I could go for some Baileys icec ream- maybe in a soft serve custard? nice!
Alcohol ice cream has been done:
Makes me want to try making of my own.
Snoopy snow cones made with vodka doesn't count. Who was that? I bet it was (e:mike)?
I think the alcohol element derived from all the sweet drinks and various 'martini' talk around here, and I'm pretty sure that the ice cream element rose from my reading material last night, one of Augusten Burroughs many memoirs, Running with Scissors. (Is this a movie now?)
In a chapter titled, "School Daze", young (13) Augusten is reflecting that things going on in his life are much more interesting than anything in school. That when in school, he felt completely unable to identify with the lives of his fellow students. He didn't want to go to school and only went when necessary. An excerpt from one passage:
"How could I just sit there obediently pinning a butterfly's wings to a lab tray or memorizing prepositional phrases? When the other boys in the locker room were showering and talking about their weekends playing soccer, what was I supposed to say. "Oh, I had a great time. My thirty-three year old boyfriend said he wished they could package my cum like ice cream so he could eat it all day."
and that last sentence stuck with me.
If I am to take anything away from my dream, it is to get drunk and laid pronto.
I can not draw with this. Some of you can create masterpieces.
I've got master pieces of crap. Not that that stops me :)
triangular martini bottles
licking a cone of baileys ice cream
- Are other brands of Irish Cream any good? If so, which? I've only purchased Baileys, but I've seen a few others and was curious.
02/21/09 01:07 - ID#47846
Playing With Spiders edit
This is as close as I would willingly come to touching one.
It is creepy.
and if that doesn't do it for you, you can:
sketch and paint:
eat mice in a snake game:
play with a drum machine:
02/16/09 10:02 - ID#47767
Jizz in My Pants
Catchy lyrics.. sure to get stuck in your head.
02/02/09 06:20 - ID#47606
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Peter leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em attacking this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."
12/23/08 11:12 - ID#47148
I think you are right, Jason
I had to go and check this out, and this is is what I found:
(sorry (e:jason), probably not what you- anyone- wants to really see)
12/22/08 11:52 - ID#47138
Have it Your Way .. Flame Mmmm Meaty
"the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat."
Yes, read it again. What we have here, is that Burger King has ventured into perfume, or rather "Men's body spray"- Or is that, La Vache De Toillette? That is as hilarious as it is disturbing.
Burger King launches beef-scented body spray
Thursday December 18, 7:27 pm ET
Where's the beef? A new meat-scented body spray makes men the answer, courtesy of Burger King
NEW YORK (AP) -- Looking to beef up your mojo this holiday season?
Burger King Corp. may have just the thing. The home of the Whopper has launched a new men's body spray called "Flame." The company describes the spray as "the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat."
The fragrance is on sale at New York City retailer Ricky's NYC in stores and online for a limited time for $3.99.
Burger King is marketing the product through a Web site featuring a photo of its King character reclining fireside and naked but for an animal fur strategically placed to not offend.
The marketing ploy is the latest in a string of viral ad campaigns by the company. Burger King is also in the midst of its Whopper Virgins campaign that features an taste test with fast-food "virgins" pitting the Whopper against McDonald's Corp.'s Big Mac.
Burger King Holdings Inc. shares rose 15 cents to close at $20.53
I'd totally buy it as a gag gift.
awh, yeah.. you can almost see it..
.. and you can almost taste it.
10/02/08 04:35 - ID#45899
itsy bitsy MONSTER (pt 2)
I hold back all intelligence and assert my belief that it it the same hairy, googly-eyed, fang-baring, snickering beast that has been lurking in my basement, creeping out of dark places purposely within my view (and within my reach) on several occasions this year. It makes an appearance and disappears all within the short time frame that includes, "gasp", "panic", "full-body sense of terror", "disgust" idling down to "why don't I have something in reach to kill it with", to "it likely has something within ITS reach to clobber me over the head with".. to "run Carey run, don't stop, don't turn around just get the hell out of the basement" and about an hours worth of "shivers" ewwww!
And so that whole line of action/inaction/psychological break-down works for the interim, until hygiene etiquette reminds me that I must go and do more laundry. No wonders that over time I have accumulated what seems like 397 pairs of socks, and about an equal amount of underwear and bras. Why subject myself to the beasts lair any more than absolutely necessary, right? eekkkk!
I don't like to kill spiders/bugs etc in general, and yes, I am rather apprehensive to scoop (shovel, forklift?) this one up into a bucket, or try to suck its massive body through a vacuum hose. I can just envision its fat yet muscular body getting jammed followed by getting pissed, followed retaliation, followed by my (fat but muscular, ha) body being jammed into the same said vacuum hose.Although this recent encounter led to the same pathetic reaction from me, this time, after my breathing returned, I ran and grabbed my camera. I needed proof. (proof of sanity, insanity?)
notice how the pholcidae, "daddy long-legs" dangling immediately in the background is dwarfed by comparison!
As I write, it continues to live, breath and eat small mammals while waiting my return...
my boyfriend claims it is a wolf spider. What is your guess?
10/01/08 11:52 - ID#45879
Just find a pretty straight on face pic of yourself, and have some fun!
or go ahead and use some random picture of anything; possibilities are endless
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