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Category: reflection

03/29/06 12:58 - 43ºF - ID#35908

Be Still My Heart

I really like this song right now. I tried to upload it as a user sound, but alas it is too damn big. Sad.. I encourage you to listen to it somehow, if you haven't already..


Be Still My Heart (by: Postal Service)

I was running late for work
So I didn't change my shirt
The evening's drinks left a lingering taste in my mouth
And when I left
You were fast asleep
Tangled in the sheets
And on the bus I could have sworn it was all a dream
And it didn't happen to me

And then I felt the scrapes
From the slippery subway grate.
Oh how you laughed
At my complete lack of grace.
But I could not recall
A more perfect fall
Cause when I looked up into your eyes
It didn't hurt at all.

And I thought, be still my heart
This could be a brand new start, with you.
And it will be clear
If I wake up and you're still here with me in the morning.

And I thought, be still my heart
This could be a brand new start, with you.
And it will be clear
If I wake up and you're still here with me in the morning.



Happiness manifests in many forms; if you allow it.

Growing up, the strongest sense of elation and happiness was brought about by milestones and novel life experiences. Birthdays (all of them, but especially those centered around turning of age events), Firsts (riding a bike, winning a fight, drink, kiss, car, sex, etc), and Achievements (out of the diaper and onto the toilet, haha,- yeh, I remember these things- also school projects, graduations, personal hurdles, for some; marriage, babies, divorce, reconciliation- anything you deem an achievement). Other means for that sense of elation are those that center on Newness-- new relationships, new friendships, new job, new car, new toys, new newness.

When we become adults,(ie; you accept responsibility and make choices beyond yourself) our experiences shape our daily outlook and attitude. Milestones become more random and sometimes dreaded. At this point, we must be active in attaining that sense of elation.

Many moments of elation stem from a singular event. You look forward to IT, you work towards IT, IT appears to be happening, IT happens, You are HAPPY because of IT: Temporarily. Then the feelings surrounding IT seem to fade. That is natural progression of how our brains operate. Major events bring upon short lived elation. Blame it on neurotransmitters. This is just what it does when you are dating someone you really dig:


(and neurotransmitters can also depress the ability to feel happy- which is not indicative of a persons choice of lifestyle or attitude- but of their mental make-up- so this would not necessarily apply; in which I offer hugs and support not so much wisdom.. )

So how does one become a happy individual? Although we can't quite achieve that sense of elation (naturally) for an extended period of time, there are ways to increase your sense of happiness. I am confident that you all know what I am talking about, and I am also guessing that there are those of you who this comes more naturally to. Good for you..

So this happy feeling- Are you ready to go there?

Each day you must find things that make you smile, laugh, think, feel good, feel safe--did I mention laugh? To wait for the next big thing- or next newness is striving for a temporary boost. It is great to feel the excitement of something new or feeling a sense of accomplishment when something you have worked for has come to fruition. Sure, it can be the catalyst for greater things to come. However, lets go deeper than that..

At the beginning of your day, ask yourself, How can I make this day better? (what can I say, do, not do), at the end of the day, reflect:"How could I have made this day better? Neither are ones that you would do daily, if at all.. and for some, they already do, even if they are not aware of it; and if you are, that is very powerful stuff.

Don't wait for someone to do or say something specific to make you happy. Believe it or not, you have quite a bit of control in that area.

How so?

Attitude. I don't mean walking around with a cheesy smile on your face and ignoring all that is going on around you.. (although sometimes it is tempting.. ), I mean, your outlook on life, the degree to which you feel you are responsible for the things that go on in it and expecting the best for yourself, knowing you can pull through anything that is thrown at you, letting go of things you cannot control, biting your tongue when all someone needs is an ear, having gratitude, cherishing those people who are in your life that you care about, worrying less about what people/society expects from you and follow through on your own expectations. Letting it out rather than bottling it in, compassion for peoples stupidity (rather than devising ways to get back at them), FIND HUMOR in as much as you can; view life as a comedy. Laugh at yourself. Pat yourself on the back. Be kind to yourself--your negative thoughts will have an overall effect on you.


Your attitude is your responsibility. For those that are not aware of this responsibility, they will find that there are in a perpetual cycle of starting and ending things in pursuit of this elation feeling. People will continually seek the Newness, and when that fades, they gravitate towards the next New Thing. Its ok to seek a new challenge--but it has to be out of personal motivation and perhaps the need to change as opposed to forming a temporary sense of well being.

Think about this: there is happiness in perseverance. There is happiness in the bond and history you share and build with someone. There are the systemic effects of the initial IT that you went for. For example, I was intensely elated upon gaining entrance into Grad School. That feeling has faded.. however, I am happy that I am formally learning and challenging myself. I know that my life is better for it. I am a better person for it. On the relationship side, I imagine that after the initial newness has subsided, that other feelings will replace it, permanently. That person will be included in my world of being able to laugh, smile, think, feel safe, take on the world together, be cherished, and that my attitude will work to make the days as happy as possible.

I find happiness in simple things. Much of it is in the things, experiences and people I love.

I don't wait for the perfect moment to do or say something. Some times are better than others, of course. Sometimes I am chicken to say and do things.. ahh I have plenty to learn :)

I am not constantly running around with a smile on my face, full of bubbling cheerfulness (yikes). I know what the general discussion of happiness and elation is about. --original post, find it here: (e:byllc,3)
I get it; but my thoughts on the subject took me elsewhere, hence this post. One train of thought begot another.

For the record, I do not have life down to a science- I don't know everything. Often I feel that I do not know much at all. Yet I find myself thinking, I wondering, forming thoughts, then I share them. I am aware. I listen. I observe. I learn. I unlearn. I make mistakes. I don't always do things right, but I try to do the right thing.

Random moments off the top of my head..

Elation at finding out about my entrance into grad school.. will be done in August, yet graduation ceremony is Friday May 19th at 1pm

Finally coping with issues, stress, feelings in a positive manner�¢?"not backsliding into self destructive behavior. A little is fine, used as a crutch and not dealing with underlying problem, is not. I had a moment a couple of weeks ago, that I was so damn proud of myself that I felt that tinge of elation--before I burst into tears, haha.. Seriously though, that has kept me going..

Photography: Jumping into icy Lake Ontario for a close up shot of an icicle, that was amusing- of which has not been an isolated incident. I do entirely random stuff.. I don't care. I like it--contributes to my happiness :)

Good music, dancing, letting go.. feeling it and moving to it.

Appreciating little things, moments in the day that tickle me or that I can reflect on.

Seeing, experiencing, being intricately part of the progress of a particular (autistic) child that I work with. I am deeply proud of him on a daily basis. Just today we played catch with a nerfball. This coming from years of zero eye contact, no interaction with the world around him, limited verbal and high frequency of severely intense, aggressive, dangerous behavior. Too see him look at me and laugh along with me while we played catch. Amazing..

Deeply appreciating friendships, knowing who I can talk to.

Great conversations, connections, bonding, spending time with people whose company I thoroughly enjoy.

Writing, singing, nature, closeness, comedy, playing outside (anyone up for some nerf tossing?)

Ahh, kissing. The kind that you can fall in love over.

Embracing my child-like ways (not childish- there is a distinction)- big Happiness factor.



Hmm...so the last time I felt that sense of elation was....




Good night, be safe, smile for me..
XO Carey

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Permalink: Be_Still_My_Heart.html
Words: 1635
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: elephants and tigers

03/22/06 11:12 - 32ºF - ID#35907

Ran Away to the Top of the World

Part of my school work is done.

I have not had the focus that I normally exhibit. Procrastination is a familiar behavior, but I am not feeling very motivated by the rapidly approaching deadline. I would chalk it up to a case of laziness, but I highly doubt that is the case. I have been going non stop for about a year and a half. Maybe I am feeling it.. but I am conditioned to going warp speed on certain matters; and even with that, I am normally pretty well "balanced".

As I think about all of what has gone on lately and the various dimensions of my life and the people in it, it is no wonder that I am having some struggle with focusing. However, I know that this is a temporary glitch and all will be back to normal soon. I am usually able to separate my thoughts and deal with things in such a way as to not disrupt other facets of my life.

So, why not apply the same techniques, coping mechanisms and stress management? Well, some of my typical coping mechanisms are being systematically faded back to lessen the likeliness that I engage in self destructive behaviors and that I am working on shaping other behaviors to deal with issues as other coping mechanisms are no longer employed. I am impressed with my tenacity, strength and resilience- even if I do feel like vomiting and have a knot under my left shoulder.

Yeh, the physiological effects are surfacing, something I was not aware of or experienced before. That too is a temporary state and I will proceed to figure out how to bypass or squelch those effects.

Despite the morass of change, uncertainty and sorting of details that need attending to, I have remained focus on the area of physical change. I consider it the alignment of my outside to my inside.

And that is very well part of it. There are some major changes taking place and I think I am a bit sensitive to everything right now.

So yeh, otherwise I am positive.. things work out in ways that you can not control.. In work, in school, with family, friends and other crazy situations, I bite my tongue, refrain from negative behavior, learn from what goes on and gravitate towards those who I feel good around- those that make me laugh, make me think, those who I feel mentally, physically safe around.. those I can be myself around and those that feel comfortable being themselves around me. Those I have a connection with...

Those that by shear force of being who they are, enhance the sense of balance.

And thats just a good thing..

ya know, friends and things and stuff ;)

(and Hookas, haha)


My post isn't a message. It is really just a ramble- It is what I affectionately refer to as, Brain Poo.

Yes, Brain Poo.

I have so much that I would love to delve into. I have topics that I wish to write about, but not until I have a few spare, quiet and peaceful moments. This is not one of those moments. There are topics, situations and issues that I have been pondering, observing, contemplating and ruminating on, yet have had little chance (or ambition) to write about it. Perhaps that contributes to my "non focus" on school work.

When I have a chunk of time, and it isn't as though I need much time, just enough to type out my thoughts coherently, I wish to form a post about it all. I mean, topics pertaining to political issues, life observations and writing about things that you wrote about in your posts. I have been thinking a lot about one on the last time you felt a sense of elation....which led me to thinking about happiness.. and what it is and what it isn't.. yadda yadda.

Maybe a little road trip is in my future.. I don't have to go far, but I do need to clear my head. Breathe. Laugh. Scream. Think. Laugh some more.. Who's with me?

:)



I have more school work to do.. oh how I look forward to burying my head under my pillows and wrapping myself tightly in my pile of blankets.. to drift off into sweet dreams.

Maybe I will go there first and finish my paper tomorrow-- minutes before class.

Good night.. take care.. be good.

Love, Carey


image


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Permalink: Ran_Away_to_the_Top_of_the_World.html
Words: 745
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: reflection

03/20/06 05:13 - 28ºF - ID#35906

Extreme Ways

Extreme Ways

extreme ways are back again
extreme places i didn't know
i broke everything new again
everything that i'd owned
i threw it out the windows, came along
extreme ways i know move apart
the colors of my sea
perfect color me

extreme ways that that help me
help me out late at night
extreme places i had gone
but never seen any light
dirty basements, dirty noise
dirty places coming through
extreme worlds alone
did you ever like it planned

i would stand in line for this
there's always room in life for this

oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, it fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, it fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
like it always does, always does

extreme songs that told me
they helped me down every night
i didn't have much to say
i didn't get above the light
i closed my eyes and closed myself
and closed my world and never opened
up to anything
that could get me along

i had to close down everything
i had to close down my mind
too many things to cover me
too much can make me blind
i've seen so much in so many places
so many heartaches, so many faces
so many dirty things
you couldn't believe

i would stand in line for this
it's always good in life for this

oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, it fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, it fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
like it always does, always does
~Moby


One day recently, with the sun shining, people and cars all around.. fresh air awakening the spirit, in this sleepy town... I walk to think. So much on the mind, a long, brisk, urgent walk in nature was needful. iPod and my thoughts, I set out to reflect. Moby, Extreme Ways comes on, and for some reason that i can't quite figure out, it seems fitting for the day.. It felt powerful against the backdrop of my thoughts and the visual information taken in along the way. I post the lyrics here as it is also my user sound.

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Permalink: Extreme_Ways.html
Words: 385
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: potpourri

03/20/06 01:53 - 28ºF - ID#35905

ricola

I need to be asleep...

6:30 will come quickly.. but I will still manange to get my ass up and exercise.

What a weekend.. Fri: Irish Car bombs, The Commitments (thanks, again (e:Vincent) !!), and test driving the Hookah.. Sat: well, St. Matties Day :) and more Hookage! It was great to spend time with the peeps!! Sun: coffee and talking with (e:pyrcedgrrl), Spot, Co-Op, etc.. All good.

Talking is good. Communication on *every* level is vital.

It puts a bounce in your step.

What else? I am delerious... Off to think intensely, then less intensely as I drift off to sleep. Oy.. here is Monday morning....

Have great day everyone!!!!!

xo Carey



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Permalink: ricola.html
Words: 112
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: hunting

03/17/06 12:11 - 30ºF - ID#35904

Games being played

I knew it!

My kitties were stalking my fridge yesterday. They were staring at it intently. An occasional paw would be dipped underneath only to come up empty pawed.

For those with animals, you know that when they are staring at something you cannot see, it does not mean that something is not there.. usually there is.

But what?

My cat Joe is the most inquisitive. He is also tenacious. When he finds something of interest, he is very thorough with his new found amusement, whatver it may be.

In this case, it was a mouse.

Let me state for the record: My furballs are not mighty hunters. They are Mosquito Slayers, at best.

Or perhaps they are much more diabolical then their cute little whiskers let on.

I came home from class with the two of them poking their noses around the floor, following something I could not immediately see. I too, had to join in on the hunt. Ofcourse, I was slightly scared about what I would find. (yeh, I am so chicken at times)

So the three of us are crawling on the floor, dipping behind various pieces of furniture. I am checking behind curtains and moving chairs and cat toys along the way. Joe heads the hunt and helps lead me to the tiny four legged prey.

I jump up and grab the small bathroom garbage can.

Once I knew for sure that it was a mouse, I began demanding that the cats kill it. I could tell that they havebeen playing with and tormenting the little mouse for quite some time. It looked like it has been in a state of panic for hours. Days even...

"kill it" "come on, get it.. kill it already!"

So I see them bat furiously at the mouse I couldn't reach. I am not sure why I wanted it dead.. I kinda like little mice. However, tonight.. I sense the hunt.

But if I couldn't get to it.. I needed them to do it for me.

"Team work" made it possible to scoop the mouse into the garbage can, in which I then promptly headed out into the cold night, to release it into my neighbors yard.

The mouse will stay away if it knows what is good for it.

I hope there aren't any others..




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Permalink: Games_being_played.html
Words: 387
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: theecarey

03/16/06 08:45 - 32ºF - ID#35903

In ten words or less

Wow.. have I really posted over 100,000 words?

crazy.




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Permalink: In_ten_words_or_less.html
Words: 8
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: cars

03/15/06 08:37 - 34ºF - ID#35902

Handing you the pink slip

I made it to work in approximately 30 minutes. I forgot how driving 75-80 will do that.

Reminds me of a time in my life when I used to do time trials down deserted roads throughout Wilson, Newfane and the outskirts of Lockport. I'd put the tac to the max.. how I didn't hurt myself or blow the engine or tranny, I am not sure.. but oh it was fun. Ever do a bleach burn out?
What can you do in the quarter mile?
I'd scare myself silly driving 90, 100, 110...
I did go through a lot of tires..
brakes..
and batteries..
I fondly remember off roading and mudding. Pacing. and racing. Positive traction, "catching posi"
Comparing engines..
Whats the firing order of your small block chevy? hmmm? 18436572
'course, one of mine was a big block.
Did I really pull motors? Rebuild.. for fun. Also spark plugs, oil changes, tire change (windex and crow bar.. )
I used to drool over rims.. Cragers, baby..

The games I would play on the road...

Ha.. I used to imagine owning a car themed sub shop.
Had a thing for 69 Chevelle SS-- hence- the car themed Sub Shop. Prices would go according to the size of engine 350, 427, 500.. etc. Big Block/Small Block. For the kiddies.. 4 bangers-

Not really the trip down memory lane I was intending.. there is a whole slew of shit that went with it. A life style long removed from reality. However, thinking back, it had its fun moments.

My hands are wiped from it all..

I don't even change my own oil anymore.
I don't think I would remember how.

..but stepping on that gas peddle this morning sure felt good.


Throwing in a few pictures here. I took them a couple of weeks ago-I figured I would change my user pic; which I did. You'll find a picture of my ever elusive and enormous fur blob, Emmy.

I moved my coffee table out from in front of the counch- moved it across the room, to provide me more room to do my yoga-stretches-etc. Also brought up my exercise bike. Emmy is fascinated. She joins me on the floor when I am on my back doing crunches. Too funny.. she could use a few repititions herself. >*.*<

Yep- straight hair. I like it. I do this once in awhile... I like the polished look.

image



image


Not sure what I am giggling at..
image

Emmy w/ her favorite mousey
image

image

Changes are being made. I am having my body composition evaluated on Friday. Oy.

I need to know what I am working with here.. although I should have done this a couple of months ago.. I still have a long way to go and this will be yet another useful tool. But I wont get into all that here.. but you will see..

ST. Pattys on Friday.. and St. Mattys on Saturday-- What a weekend to look forward to ! YAY!! :D

and I totally intend to grab a shamrock shake this week- as I havent yet done so!

a bientot, mon amies :)

Be good- Carey

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Permalink: Handing_you_the_pink_slip.html
Words: 519
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: quickies satisfy

03/13/06 09:41 - 61ºF - ID#35901

a question for you

The bright waxing moon on saturday night had a perfect rainbow-like swirl of color surrounding it. Anyone know if this effect has a name????

The moon framed in colors with a backdrop of stars.. amazing. It was so beautiful.. I gazed into the sky in awe.


I love the warmer weather. I hear the frog creatures making their noises outside. I love that sound. And in the morning, it has been the birds.. It is almost time to go outside and begin spring clean up.. and get ready for gardening and bon fires.

That warm intense rain today was kinda sexy.. ever kiss in the rain??

It is about time for bed..

Sweet dreams, everyone

Carey




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Permalink: a_question_for_you.html
Words: 116
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: got game?

03/10/06 12:09 - 39ºF - ID#35899

I am the Play Station

To keep in the spirit of test results..

((e:robin) posted in her journal the test link:

The Playstation
Random Gentle Sex Master (RGSMf)


Easy to turn on. Hard to beat. You are The Playstation.

You're a nice girl, and you have lots of sex. It's therefore highly likely that you're attractive, and you're certainly outgoing & friendly. Plus, this healthy physical attitude of yours indicates deeper emotional well-being and stability. Unheard of. When guys dare to dream, they dream of you.

You don't get attached too easily, and, to wit, you're not necessarily looking for something long-term right now. That's a bigger asset than you know. Though, physically speaking, you're open to anything, you're keeping your emotional side well-protected. This means there won't be a lot of wreckage to clean up whenever you decide to settle down.


Your exact opposite:
The Priss

Deliberate Brutal Love Dreamer


In the meantime, the men you share yourself with actually respect you. Like them, you enjoy sex for its own sake and don't need any other validation for pleasure than pleasure itself. Hopefully, you have the good sense to blow off anyone who thinks less of you for that. Usually, this is the part of the description where we offer some life-correcting advice, but honestly, we can't think of anything about you we'd change. Keep on fucking, partner.


ALWAYS AVOID: The Mixed Messenger

CONSIDER: Anyone else

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Permalink: I_am_the_Play_Station.html
Words: 238
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: spiders suck

03/09/06 05:45 - 49ºF - ID#35898

Things that make me go AHHHHHHH

Do you want to know what reduces me to a goopy glop of mush? Go here:

(credit to (e:hodown) for sharing that link)

Other stuff: manners, kindness, patience and passion

Things that will not make me warm and fuzzy inside: disrespect, raw celery and spiders (and clowns and monkeys, especially monkeys dressed as clowns).

I am in bed with my beloved laptop, and down comes a spider, just two inches infront of my face. It is one of those super nasty yellowish-almost transparent varieties. Ya know.. big googly eyes, fangs, hair everywhere and maniacal laughter.. completes the picture.. mine, not the spiders' ;)

Anyhow, with my quick reaction. I sat up staight giving myself distance from the spider. Yet it dropped between my legs before I could bounce out of bed. *shiver*

Its dead.. its little body squished between Puffs Ultra Soft tissue.

I hope big momma spider doesn't come out to eat me in my sleep. (please, no nightmares.. ) Spiders in bed and in the shower leave me feeling very vulnerable. *looks around the room.. double checking the corners and ceiling above bed*

I must check out the uber cute site again.. to get the nasty multi legged creature out of my head..

Dated a guy once who was more scared of spiders than myself.

It is just about Friday.. I am so happy that this class is over. All the work is done.. I now have a ton of work due next week.. but I am giving myself about two days off before I look at any of it.

Off to dream land..

Respectfully,
Carey


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Permalink: Things_that_make_me_go_AHHHHHHH.html
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Location: Youngstown, NY


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paul said to ladycroft
Nice to "see" you. I let the CPR ads stay because at least it was something lol...

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Sorry.....my finger went spastic. ...

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Happy Birthday! I had my 30th with two of those peeps as well :) Remember the failed (but awesome)...

ladycroft said to joe
Happy Birthday! I had my 30th with two of those peeps as well :) Remember the failed (but awesome)...