I knew it!!

I rarely answer my phone if I do not recognize the name or number. In the past month or so, I have received numerous phonecalls from a credit agency.This company never leaves messages and I really have no idea what they would be calling for, unless it is a wrong number, or for another reason that I can't wrap my mind around.

I pay all of my bills on time and I have no outstanding debt other than my student loans. I do have a little sitauation with Blockbuster, but correspondance has been through snail mail. I am banned from the Blockbuster in Lewiston for supposedly not returning some lame ass movie I rented months ago. They can't seem to believe that I returned it with the other movies and that one of their employees must have walked off with it. (I pushed it into drop slot and went on my way.. ) So yeh, once I have time I feel like devoting to this matter, I will write them back, or buy a $5 copy of said lame ass movie and shove up their... movie return slot ;)

anyhow, the credit agency call has perplexed me.

Until I began thinking about it..

I began to feel a little paranoid with where my thought process was taking me..

I have mentioned the so-called stalker in prior posts.

I mentioned that he finally made contact a month or so ago. (e:Theecarey,160)

Then he stopped.

But then this credit agency number has been popping up on my caller id.

And this agency never leaves messages, although I know they call.

Just like this guy who calls.

And so today, I was surprised to hear a message from him.

"Hi Carey, its ******; just calling to say how pretty you are.."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

and

then I thought to check my caller id.

His number didn't show up.

But that credit agency number does.

heh. coincidence?

I think he works for a bill collector now, no?

And bill collectors have fabulous search tools..

k- just thought I would publicly document it while I was thinking about it.


seriously, do you think it is harmless or reason for concern?

I don't feel threatened.. I just think he is infatuated.

Maybe he thinks he is being sweet?

I don't want this to be a reason for concern...

oy.

k- off to watch Office Space for the fifth time this week :)

I just came in from a short walk in the light rain. I felt a bit anxious and in need of getting some air. The thirty or so minute trek through town ridded me of most of my blah-ness. However, upon return, I felt a surge in feeling obnoxious. I want to wrestle someone. Or climb a tree. Or jump in my car and drive till morning, destination unknown...

instead I hop into bed and onto my laptop. My mind is too bouncy to read.. so instead, I write. Not sure where this is going to go.. please excuse all grammar, spelling and mental meandering..

I think my head and heart have been in a battle lately.

I have my graduation ceremony on Friday. The last graduation I went to was for highschool, and I didn't even want to go to that one. I skipped the Associates and the Bachelors ceremony.

Heh, I remember being on campus the day of my Bachelors ceremony. Know what I was doing? I was playing Vampire, a role playing game. My mom didn't talk to me for weeks. She wanted me to go and I didn't..

I can be really shy even though it doesn't really appear that way. I can get in front of people and do the public speaking bit, I am pretty outgoing and I will give anything a try.. but I am still shy. I am assertive, that isn't a problem either. I always work to get over the shy bit. I detest being in the way of myself.. (if that makes sense?)

.. And for some reason, doing the "parading across stage" in a cap and gown just weirds me out. Maybe it has to do with attention being placed on me? Not sure..
I know I am going this Friday (1pm Kleinhans), as I realize that it isn't about me anymore. My mom really wants me to go and my classmates expect me to be there as well. If my neice goes, it will be good for her to see a family member graduate from college.

But I still feel all anxious inside. Since I am open to trying anything, i have to be open to this as well. Come on, it is just a ceremony. If this is the least of my concerns, I am very grateful.

Ok, so this sense of anxiety leads me to having to face my next career step. I know not what to do. I regularly say that I have maxed out my postition. It bothers me that I have been saying it on and off for a couple of years now. But it has suited me while I have been in school. Good hours, benefits, awesome co workers, consumers, etc...and during this time I havent had to really attend to the process of making the next step.

But now I am approaching the end of my schooling (well, atleast with this degree, anyways-- I will always take a class or soemthing.. ) I need to figure what my next step is. Do I stay in the mental health field? Do I try somthing else, switch gears a little.. Do I begin the process of figuring out how to start my own business (whatever that may be.. I know its in the cards, my entrepreneurial spirit wont let me have it any other way.. )

heh.. or do i go onto another degree? Ofcourse it is something I think about.. but then I wonder, am I doing it for the challenge or for the "safety net" that comes with being a college student? I have to grow up sometime, right? I could go on for a doctorate (I've been provisionally accepted) or I could try a masters in something completely different, which is very appealing. I could wait a few years..and see where my life takes me... see so many options, choices, motivations to figure out.

so, although I think my head and heart have been in a battle, I don't think either knows what it wants (in regards to college/career stuff). Maybe I am squirrely on a bunch of things. I know that when I get to feeling like this, I need to just relax my mind/heart and from there what truly matters will surface. Then I can tackle whatver comes of it..

onto other stuff as of late..


My on again, off again stalker managed to make contact very recently. I jotted down notes during a conversation. I try to find the humor in it, but it creeps me out all the same. I find myself wondering if I am doing anything to lead this person on (not that there has been any contact in over 21 months-- even though he has persistently tried).

Now that contact has been officially made, I am disturbed. I am tempted to share the details of the conversation (again, I took notes because it was so creepy, odd, and such..), yet I am deciding against it at this time. Although I don't feel it is a serious matter, I don't want to make light of it either. Lets just get to the main point that I "tried" to make.. "no, i don't see us as friends, as I think you are looking for something much more than I can give you... I have reservations in talking to you.. or seeing you.. it isn't going to happen.. not interested in you.. no connection.. blah blah" Yeh, it sucks to put yourself out there and be shot down.. but then you move on. I mean, I was very clear then and I was clear this time as well. No need to read between the lines.. I said what was necessary, yet with respect and dignity...

Now I remember that firm wasnt good enough two years ago, as firm may not be working now. Back then, I had to get mean, which isn't me. I felt sick by it.. but it never stopped him from calling. ever.. and it still hasn't. I have always gone the honest approach.. but now it may be useful to try another tactic. Such as (e:pyrcedgrrl) suggested.. have a male be on my outgoing messages and/or have a male pick up the phone sometime under the guise of being my boyfriend/fiance/husband. I never seriously considered it before...

So again, I try to laugh it off.. it does have its humorous elements to it...but I am not comfortable with it, as I can't seem to get through to him. (e:pyrcedgrrl) affectionately refers to him as "slayer". Friends share..but you know what, he is all yours, hahahahahaha :)

• breathe in, breathe out*... again, not at all the worst thing that has happened.

But from all this perceived craziness, I again, truly appraciate my family and friends (old and new). I am always learning from them.. and love that they are in my life. thank you.


heh, my dishes aren't done and eveything appears to be a mess. Tomorrow after work I will make it all look, feel and smell good again. mmmm, will also cut a bunch of lilacs to place around the apartment. Cleaning and organizing can be fun when I am in the mood. It is especially helpful when I have some great songs to dance to while I am doing all this.

So on that note, I have some really great songs added to my iPod. I spent a good part of yesterday downloading music. I will probably change my user sound once again. It is (or was) Art of Noice, Moments in Love (trance)... a pretty hot song. But now its time to try something else. I am very happy with a few specific new ones that a friend shared with me. It is great when a song makes me smile...

Its about that time.. good night, be safe, smell the lilacs.. and make time for yourself. Some things *can* wait..

Carey

if you are into drums as I am, you may appreciate the new user sound: japanese traditional - Kodo Ibuki Taiko Drums

Ok, so I figured I have paid off any majorly wrong doings on my part, especially from anything revolving around a guy I dated awhile back. Think: the basic idea of Karma. Or, what comes around goes around. Yeh, thats fun.

Believe me, I have paid. And I have learned. I have moved on. I have gravitated towards better things, better choices, better people..

So, gettign back-- It wasnt what I wanted and I told the guy this. He was adament about trying to work things out.. trying to convince me that we should be together, blah blah blah. Ok, maybe a really good supporting argument could sway my decision, however, this was not the case. Especially since he really knew nothing about me. And...

I just wasn't into him.

Simple as that. And as much as he thought he knew and liked about me, he knew very very little. He wasn't part of my life in any significant way and it was never going to be any different. I began to back off once I realized that he was getting deeper than anything I could offer. I was mystified. Instead of fading away, I chose to confront the situation. I chose to lay it all out there. Basically, "No way, not happening, so sorry, too bad- are you sad?" yeh. I thought being honest was good. But being an asshole, well, just wasnt. I don't intend to start off that way.. but I couldn't shake him. So thats when I began to say stuff more crass and ignore his calls etc.

I had been in these situations too many times. That one happened a long long time ago.

Little background: I wasnt an open person. I was a stranger to the emotional side of things. Reserved, skeptical, aloof, greatly independent. Not interested. No one got in.

Then stuff changed.

You have been part of the process- or atleast have been witness to it. It began, atleast with some awareness and effort just over a year ago. Funny, that the desire to change, do thinsg differently occured around the time of this this dating situation. After all that, I decided to just back off from guys. Not at all because I felt there was anything wrong with them--on the contrary, I felt that there was something wrong with me; and I didn't want to hurt anyone, anymore.. I atleast recognized that it wsnt fair and that i wasnt benefiting from any of it either. So I took time off to get a better grasp on who I am, what I want, etc. I chose not to get involved unless I could say for certain that I was interested and was willing to share who I am--on a deeper level. I didn't even want to get involved with any "in the meantime guys/sex" because in a moment of clarity, I thought it a good choice. Forward to meeting someone I could connect with. Funny how unpprepared I was for that--again, on many levels. Had no idea what I was doing. It may have been the undoing. I learned a lot from that, and continue to..

Yeh, so.. I feel like I am talking about a stranger when I am talking about myself from that earlier period.

Anyway, back to the point.. every once in awhile I get a phone call from this guy. I don't answer and he doesn't leave messages. Ever. WTF? Why why why do that?

I have no idea why he bothers..

I also recently realized that I have not seen nor spoken to him in 19 months. 19 MONTHS!! ... and he's still calling?

Why oh why do the phone calls continue? and never ever a message??? I might just pick up next time.. or just call and ask WHY? I was tempted when he called just a few hours ago. However, my mom was over and I didn't want to get into anything in front of her.

He is officially in my stalker category.

He tries to find my friends (and sometimes succeeds *shivers*)
He called hourly at first, then weekly, then monthly- then nothing at all for awhile.. then just these past few months, has begun calling again. Even on St. Valentines Day. I havent answered a call from him in over 19 months. Come on!

Leave a fucking message.

For all I know, he is a lurker on the strip.. *more shivers*

As far as I know, he doesn't know where I live (I told ya I used to be reserved-unavailable, blah blah blah A good thing in this case.. could be wrong, though. Anything is possible.. )

Its funny though, how we are all bitching about people not being interested in us.. yet I am pretty damn confident that someone is.. What we are really bitching about is that the person(s) that we are interested in are not interested in us.. or soemthing like that. Feel me?

Focus on your friends, family,life interests.. cherish those who are in your life. Keep 'em close.

I am beat. I exercised like 900 calories off this evening. My hair was soaking wet.. took a hot shower, attempted a quick post and now its about time for bed. Get my assup early and do it all again.

So yeh, I like to write. Cant ever make it short.. Now I sleep. mmm dream time. Good night, be good..
Love,
carey