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Category: stalkers

04/10/06 11:20 - ID#35916

Please leave a message

Ok, so I figured I have paid off any majorly wrong doings on my part, especially from anything revolving around a guy I dated awhile back. Think: the basic idea of Karma. Or, what comes around goes around. Yeh, thats fun.

Believe me, I have paid. And I have learned. I have moved on. I have gravitated towards better things, better choices, better people..

So, gettign back-- It wasnt what I wanted and I told the guy this. He was adament about trying to work things out.. trying to convince me that we should be together, blah blah blah. Ok, maybe a really good supporting argument could sway my decision, however, this was not the case. Especially since he really knew nothing about me. And...

I just wasn't into him.

Simple as that. And as much as he thought he knew and liked about me, he knew very very little. He wasn't part of my life in any significant way and it was never going to be any different. I began to back off once I realized that he was getting deeper than anything I could offer. I was mystified. Instead of fading away, I chose to confront the situation. I chose to lay it all out there. Basically, "No way, not happening, so sorry, too bad- are you sad?" yeh. I thought being honest was good. But being an asshole, well, just wasnt. I don't intend to start off that way.. but I couldn't shake him. So thats when I began to say stuff more crass and ignore his calls etc.

I had been in these situations too many times. That one happened a long long time ago.

Little background: I wasnt an open person. I was a stranger to the emotional side of things. Reserved, skeptical, aloof, greatly independent. Not interested. No one got in.

Then stuff changed.

You have been part of the process- or atleast have been witness to it. It began, atleast with some awareness and effort just over a year ago. Funny, that the desire to change, do thinsg differently occured around the time of this this dating situation. After all that, I decided to just back off from guys. Not at all because I felt there was anything wrong with them--on the contrary, I felt that there was something wrong with me; and I didn't want to hurt anyone, anymore.. I atleast recognized that it wsnt fair and that i wasnt benefiting from any of it either. So I took time off to get a better grasp on who I am, what I want, etc. I chose not to get involved unless I could say for certain that I was interested and was willing to share who I am--on a deeper level. I didn't even want to get involved with any "in the meantime guys/sex" because in a moment of clarity, I thought it a good choice. Forward to meeting someone I could connect with. Funny how unpprepared I was for that--again, on many levels. Had no idea what I was doing. It may have been the undoing. I learned a lot from that, and continue to..

Yeh, so.. I feel like I am talking about a stranger when I am talking about myself from that earlier period.

Anyway, back to the point.. every once in awhile I get a phone call from this guy. I don't answer and he doesn't leave messages. Ever. WTF? Why why why do that?

I have no idea why he bothers..

I also recently realized that I have not seen nor spoken to him in 19 months. 19 MONTHS!! ... and he's still calling?

Why oh why do the phone calls continue? and never ever a message??? I might just pick up next time.. or just call and ask WHY? I was tempted when he called just a few hours ago. However, my mom was over and I didn't want to get into anything in front of her.

He is officially in my stalker category.

He tries to find my friends (and sometimes succeeds *shivers*)
He called hourly at first, then weekly, then monthly- then nothing at all for awhile.. then just these past few months, has begun calling again. Even on St. Valentines Day. I havent answered a call from him in over 19 months. Come on!

Leave a fucking message.

For all I know, he is a lurker on the strip.. *more shivers*

As far as I know, he doesn't know where I live (I told ya I used to be reserved-unavailable, blah blah blah A good thing in this case.. could be wrong, though. Anything is possible.. )

Its funny though, how we are all bitching about people not being interested in us.. yet I am pretty damn confident that someone is.. What we are really bitching about is that the person(s) that we are interested in are not interested in us.. or soemthing like that. Feel me?

Focus on your friends, family,life interests.. cherish those who are in your life. Keep 'em close.

I am beat. I exercised like 900 calories off this evening. My hair was soaking wet.. took a hot shower, attempted a quick post and now its about time for bed. Get my assup early and do it all again.

So yeh, I like to write. Cant ever make it short.. Now I sleep. mmm dream time. Good night, be good..

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Permalink: Please_leave_a_message.html
Words: 900
Location: Youngstown, NY

Category: comedy

04/09/06 11:25 - 36ºF - ID#35915

Full Monty Python

So I hear that Sir Tom Jones is performing at the FallsView Casino tonight!

In the chat earlier, (e:vincent) mentioned he was going to the show (I expect a full report!). I had just listened to, "You can keep your hat on", which can be found on the delightful soundtrack to The Full Monty--all 70s music. Fun Fun. I love that movie! I pulled out my VHS tape and noticed that it has been out since 1997. Wow, doesn't seem that long. Then again, I should have known as I looked through my obscenely large collection of VHS movies. I was going to watch it today, but then got busy doing other stuff. Like staring at the ceiling. No really, I really did that..

And so, for those who have not seen it:
The movie takes place in Sheffield, England. A bunch of guys find themselves unemployed from a steel plant that closed down. Desperate to make some money, they get the idea of stripping to make money. A group of men assemble and practice for their big night on stage. Unlike the Chippendales, who don't take it all off, they decide to go the full monty. The characters are fun--the guys are young, old, thin, chunky tall, short-- and my favorite line, "I need anti fat bastard cream"- they are just a group of real guys who need to make some cash. The movie is about the process of practicing and getting ready for the big night.

I learned that The Full Monty was also a Broadway show that ran from 2000-2003.

The movie is based in Britain, the humor is neither dark nor satirical; but it is witty and just makes me giggle the entire time. I am a big fan of comedy. (ooh, let us peeps go to a comedy show at Comix Cafe or Funny Bone, sometime soon, k?!?)

I enjoy the British humor found in such shows as The Benny Hill show and Monty Python. Both have been kicking around for a long time. I am quite sure that I was watching Benny Hill long before I really knew what any of the subject matter meant. If it were not for those laugh tracks..

As for Monty Python, well that just has a cult following. I recall sitting among a group of friends watching episodes on tv well before it began to run movie length versions.

So yeh, my delighfully warperd imagination morphed the Full Monty with Monty Python ala Benny Hill Style. Can we have some Full Monty Python?! ;)

Also, the peeps within (e:chatter) proudly presents: The Tuna Loins and Education in Pornography-- two new bands without band members, instruments or a genre of music to play. But they are cool and are totally groupie worthy; even if they only exist in our imagination. Move over Warped Tour, these bands are exclusive to estripfest (e:strip)fest!

other highlights from a day in the life of Thee Carey:

  • stared at the ceiling. I told you I did. It was wonderful. It was part of my life choice/life direction rumination. No writing, just thinking. The ceiling in the red room (fireplace, comfy leather, one giant red wall, books, no tv,) is made of knotty pine. It is visually pleasing and adds depth and warmth to the room. The variations in the wood is apparently interesting to look at, as I got lost in my thoughts staring up at the ceiling, wrapped in a soft blanket and my cat Joe purring on my chest.
yeh, eventually I dozed off. My thoughts either bored me or I succumbed to the power of cat purrs. I am betting on the latter.

  • grocery shopping. Pad Thai noodles (rice flour and water) $5.27 OR Japenese rice sticks (same size, shape, rice flour and water) $1.47. Guess which package I bought. hehe, Guess what this girl is making sometime this week ;)

  • cleaned out the front seat of my car. It is a typical Sunday chore. It will be trashd by Tuesday.I am gifted like that.

  • Busy/fun weekend but managed to carve out some serious veg time. Check this out: I watched a lot of tv over the weekend. I didn't put any thought in selecting a show to watch. It was entirely random and I found myself too lazy to apply pressure to the remote control. I was humored by this "lack of motication, I will just watch endless hours of tv" ('cause I rarely do it) but I am now feeling the brain sludge of over consumption of cable programs, even if they were entertaining: Trading Spouses, Pepper Dennis, My Name is Earl, Myth Busters, How Do I Look?, Evening News, Fear Factor Couples, Sex in the City, and a few others, I am sure..

  • Gas prices are up again. Even the prices at the Res sucks. Bah.

Thats about it. This is going to be a great week. I insist.

Off to read before bed..

Be good..

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Permalink: Full_Monty_Python.html
Words: 831
Location: Youngstown, NY

Category: silliness

04/08/06 11:25 - 31ºF - ID#35914

Must Have More

It is Saturday and bright with sunshine.

I went to bed early last night, after some wonderful wine consumption and a few hot games of mahjong. Strange dreams were had.. not disturbing, but certainly thought provoking...

So, on todays agenda..

  • quick clean of my apartment

  • coffee

  • thai food

  • ponderment/contemplation of life

  • more quality time with friends...

  • I'd like to go see The Benchwarmers, the movie just came out last night.

....because this seriously humored me, I have added it to my links..

snagged from (e:museumchick,2)

pop! pop! pop!

Excellent links for those who love bubble wrap. It isn't quite the same as the real thing, but it does provide some satisfaction. I love the "Manic Mode". That is sooo me. Even more so, when you hit, "Fresh Sheet" and it says.. "must have more" hehehe


Hope everyone has a great day.. see ya later

xo Carey
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Permalink: Must_Have_More.html
Words: 157
Location: Youngstown, NY

Category: perseverence

04/06/06 11:27 - 42ºF - ID#35913

The days of wine and roses

Vitae Summa Brevis Spem Nos Vetat Incohare Longam

I came home from class a bit early due to nausea that has been coming and going all day long along with a headache. I rarely get headaches...ouch. Something going around at work. I intended to be asleep by now, but I am not quite able to fall asleep. Thinking and brainaches are keeping me up. I turn to a book of poetry to help calm my mind..

So I revisted an anthology of poetry that spans over six centuries. Interesting that some things, in regards to feelings and other related heart/headaches remain the same, despite time. Don't we ever figure it out? get it right? lol...

I include in this post, specific lines from poems that I can relate to (and/or like how they sound..)

excerpt from, With You a Part of Me - George Santayana

"...Your gift of charity and young heart's ease,
And the dear honor of your amity;
For these once mine, my life rich with these.
And I scarce know which part may greater be--
What I keep of you, or you rob from me."

excerpt from, Somewhere I Have Never Travelled- E.E. Cummings

"(I do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)"


excerpt from, Solitude- Harold Monro

"When you have tidied all things for the night,
And while your thoughts are fading to their sleep,
You'll pause a moment in the late firelight,
Too sorrowful to weep..."

There are plenty of others..

Don't laugh. I have always liked LL Cool J. Especially the 'old school' variety. I aimed to have a song as a user sound but all of what I have tends to be too large. Especially one in particular.. So, in its entirety, the lyrics from LL Cool J's, I need Love. Feeling cheesy and I just don't care, haha.. read it, you get the idea.. Maybe you will know what I mean. Simple stuff, yet so complicated?

I Need Love

When I'm alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall
and in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call
Telling me I need a girl who's as sweet as a dove
for the first time in my life, I see I need love
There I was giggling about the games
that I had played with many hearts, and I'm not saying no names
Then the thought occured, tear drops made my eyes burn
as I said to myself look what you've done to her
I can feel it inside, I can't explain how it feels
all I know is that I'll never dish another raw deal
Playing make believe pretending that I'm true
holding in my laugh as I say that I love you
Saying amor kissing you on the ear
whispering I love you and I'll always be here
Although I often reminsce I can't believe that I found
a desire for true love floating around
Inside my soul because my soul is cold
one half of me deserves to be this way till I'm old
But the other half needs affection and joy
and the warmth that is created by a girl and a boy
I need love
I need love

Romance sheer delight how sweet
I gotta find me a girl to make my life complete
You can scratch my back, we'll get cozy and huddle
I'll lay down my jacket so you can walk over a puddle
I'll give you a rose, pull out your chair before we eat
kiss you on the cheek and say ooh girl you're so sweet
It's deja vu whenever I'm with you
I could go on forever telling you what I do
But where you at you're neither here or there
I swear I can't find you anywhere
Damn sure you ain't in my closet, or under my rug
this love search is really making me bug
And if you know who you are why don't you make yourself seen
take the chance with my love and you'll find out what I mean
Fantasy's can run but they can't hide
and when I find you I'm gon' pour all my love inside
I need love
I need love

I wanna kiss you hold you never scold you just love you
suck on you neck, caress you and rub you
Grind moan and never be alone
if you're not standing next to me you're on the phone
Can't you hear it in my voice, I need love bad
I've got money but love's something I've never had
I need your ruby red lips sweet face and all
I love you more than a man who's 10 feet tall
I'd watch the sunrise in your eyes
we're so in love when we hug we become paralyzed
Our bodies explode in ecstasy unreal
yo''re as soft as a pillow and I'm as hard as steel
It's like a dream land, I can't lie I never been there
maybe this is an experience that me and you can share
Clean and unsoiled yet sweaty and wet
I swear to you this is something that I'll never forget
I need love
I need love

See what I mean I've changed I'm no longer
a play boy on the run I need something that's stronger
Friendship, trust honor respect admiration
this whole experience has been such a revelation
It's taught me love and how to be a real man
to always be considerate and do all I can
Protect you you're my lady and you mean so much
my body tingles all over from the slightest touch
Of your hand and understand I'll be frozen in time
till we meet face to face and you tell me you're mine
If I find you girl I swear I'll be a good man
I'm not gonna leave it in destiny's hands
I can't sit and wait for my princess to arrive
I gotta struggle and fight to keep my dream alive
I'll search the whole world for that special girl
when I finally find you watch our love unfurl
I need love
I need love

Girl, listen to me
When I be sittin in my room all alone, staring at the wall
fantasies, they go through my mind
And I've come to realize that I need true love
and if you wanna give it to me girl make yourself seen
I'll be waiting
I love you.

Good night
xo Carey
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Permalink: The_days_of_wine_and_roses.html
Words: 1103
Location: Youngstown, NY

Category: engines

04/06/06 12:05 - 36ºF - ID#35912

Sabres and Motorcycles

My friend Damien builds stuff. He made the following bike from scratch. It was on display recently at HSBC Arena (or whatever that place is called..)

I assume it is back at the shop at this point. His girlfriend, Lynn, sent me the pics and I thought I would post them. They are both good friends of mine, both of whom I went to school with. Damien went to Lewiston-Porter and Lynn went to Wilson. They both reside in Wilson now. I don't get out to see them nearly as much as I used to. They are wonderful people..

Not much of a bike person myself, but I can appreciate just about anything with an engine, especially when I know and am proud of the person who put it all together.

Enjoy :)



oh yeh, notice that the shift or something or other is a sword. OY, I have lost my capacity to think at this moment.. hehe

Have a good nigth everyone.. my school paper is about done. I can wrap up the rest just before class.

Wish me sweet dreams...

xo carey

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Permalink: Sabres_and_Motorcycles.html
Words: 190
Location: Youngstown, NY

Category: top ten

04/04/06 10:32 - 31ºF - ID#35911



ha, not this post, and tonight, not this writer. Just taking a quick break from the school stuff. Sometimes my brain hurts. So lets get to the "Random Thoughts and Questions" segment of todays (e:strip) post:

1. Who's my baby's daddy?!?!

just kidding.

2. I shared this on the chat earlier, thought I'd share again...

Tonight, well, technically Wednesday, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00am in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.
That will never happen again. Neato.

3. Sic Transit Gloria Mundi. Does this apply to a bowl of Panda Paws ice cream???

4. Why do I continue to have a pit in my stomach? A desire to vomit, scream, cry, laugh maniacally--yet they are transient feelings...come and go. Nothing too serious, yet significant enough that I am having some messed up dreams lately. Real and abstract--scary and comforting--more brain poo, I guess. My head and heart are trying to process something. Plus school--hurray for midterms and multiple papers with less than a week to prepare and write. Wtf. Breathe in. Breathe out. Its all good... However, I need to find an outlet, distraction, means to vent, quick.

5. Anyone have a good lentil recipe? I havent made anything with lentils in the past two weeks. I am sorely lacking on coming up with a different use for them. Not that I ever get sick of them, but I could use some ideas. I also purchased a box of barley.

6. How can it be after ten pm already??

7. I don't have class next Thursday. You have no idea how much I need that. My grad program runs straight through to the end. I am sure to have mentioned this before--no breaks--at all. Thanksgiving there was no class as it is on a Thursday. Christmas we had one class off. Next Thursday it is due to Easter, I am assuming. That's it until I graduate. But I'll take it. Maybe will give me some extra time to figure stuff out w/o assignments burdening my thoughts. Chilling with good friends.. talking, sparring, laughing, crying (me)..I love that. Well, not so much the tears part, as that is new to me.. yet that intrigues me as well. Whatever, I roll with it.

8. It is almost halfway through the week. Where did the weekend go? It was good-- it was also weird and busy and fun--good conversation, drinks, music (no emo shit), school work, cleaning, food--etc etc.

9. Looking forwards to the weekend as always.

10. The Bench Warmers comes out on Friday.

Rob Schneider, Daven Spade, Jon Heder-- looks silly and brainless. That sounds wonderful to me!
Even the new Scary Movie (3 or 4??) looks entertaining.
I havent been to a movie in ages..
nor have I rented one..

I need to get back to my school work..

good night all.
Carey xo

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Permalink: multidimensional_.html
Words: 478
Location: Youngstown, NY

Category: quickies satisfy

04/03/06 07:36 - 48ºF - ID#35910

Return on Investment?

Its never to early (or late) to start thinking about your retirement- i snagged this from the net-- so for your amusement, a super quicky:


If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
now be worth $49.00

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank
all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling
REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and

It's called the 401-Keg Plan


Have a good one everyone

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Permalink: Return_on_Investment_.html
Words: 116
Location: Youngstown, NY

Category: nerd

03/30/06 09:35 - 54ºF - ID#35909

mental masturbation

I had a moment (or two or three) last night.

First Moment: During my entire graduate program I have been assimilating the information to a world that I know--and trying to figure out more about what I don't know (yet). I am intrigued by the sense of having many of the pieces to the "puzzle"within my "life repertoire". What I am experiencing with this program is that I am now better suited to put those pieces together. Things make sense on a much deeper level, and now I am taking that and expanding on it. I hold no school of thought as an authority on any part of my thinking. I also take what I learn from a subject as determine how it applies within various contexts.

So, I am a big fan of quantum physics. (subatominc particles, nuclear physics, blah blah)

well, anything Quantum (quanta)
I particularly resonate with Chaos Theory --Funny that it has slipped my stream of consciousness over the course of the year. Yet it has somehow surfaced within many of my thought patterns. There were a few occasions in class that I wanted to address a topic utilizing Chaos Theory (WIKIPEDIA - a form of reference. Then there are other times that I wonder why I would bring certain thoughts back around to this theory, it isn't as though I don't have an extensive knowledge base to pull from (btw, I suck at Jeopardy, I need more than 15 seconds to process the question and form an answer. I am delighted by those who can fire off answers to questions, as I sit there in the dust-- don't ask me, as I won't know the answer until my thought is fully baked!)

Ok, I am now out on that. You are officially privy to my deep seeded nerd tendencies.

I love to wrap my mind around anything Quantum- it can be applied to so much! Chaos Theory is a turn on. As are all things cerebral. That's my happy place. I visit other places, but I always return to the brain. Its where it ALL starts. You know this to be true.. Do I need to say it? Sex, baby..Lets get on with the mentalcourse --creativity, imagination, sensuality- pleasures in life-- start with the mind...
Anyhow, I am now finding that there are Others who relate to chaos theory and find that it applies directly to--choose-- Organizational Leadership, Organizational Psychology, --all has to do with systems thinking, which is rooted in some applications of Quantum physics--and even more so, Chaos Theory. This information can be applied to numerous situations. I found a few people (serendipitously, during some research. I am going to contact them) that incorporate Chaos Theory into their work. Chaos, complexity, confusion---catalysts for change and growth.

If you're not confused, you're not paying attention--Tom Peters

Shivers ran up and down my body..excited to the point of bursting-- nerd elation This is what I think about, this is how I think, this that I have been unable to put my finger on is something that I have had my hand in for a very long time? Why didn't I see it before now? Well, apparently I did... Now I see that it is really out there--I guess I needed the validation of seeing that others think similarly.

I am jotting these thoughts down while in class. Coincidentally I was just able to make a comment about Chaos Theory. What is it and why I like it. I felt cheesy in my exuberance..

I haven't spent time reading my delicious quantum books, chaos books, complexity books and articles in a very long time. Well,not since before starting grad school.

Let me go dust off those books and reacquaint myself. I love to learn and unlearn.

Second Moment: Whipped cream--the kind out of the can is sensually delicious.

I have a deep urge to finger paint with it.
Found some ripe strawberries at my local market. I also spontaneously grabbed a can of whipped cream. Then went home and made a cup of hot chocolate and prepared a bowl of strawberries.

However, some things are better shared.

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Permalink: mental_masturbation.html
Words: 707
Location: Youngstown, NY

Category: reflection

03/29/06 12:58 - 43ºF - ID#35908

Be Still My Heart

I really like this song right now. I tried to upload it as a user sound, but alas it is too damn big. Sad.. I encourage you to listen to it somehow, if you haven't already..

Be Still My Heart (by: Postal Service)

I was running late for work
So I didn't change my shirt
The evening's drinks left a lingering taste in my mouth
And when I left
You were fast asleep
Tangled in the sheets
And on the bus I could have sworn it was all a dream
And it didn't happen to me

And then I felt the scrapes
From the slippery subway grate.
Oh how you laughed
At my complete lack of grace.
But I could not recall
A more perfect fall
Cause when I looked up into your eyes
It didn't hurt at all.

And I thought, be still my heart
This could be a brand new start, with you.
And it will be clear
If I wake up and you're still here with me in the morning.

And I thought, be still my heart
This could be a brand new start, with you.
And it will be clear
If I wake up and you're still here with me in the morning.

Happiness manifests in many forms; if you allow it.

Growing up, the strongest sense of elation and happiness was brought about by milestones and novel life experiences. Birthdays (all of them, but especially those centered around turning of age events), Firsts (riding a bike, winning a fight, drink, kiss, car, sex, etc), and Achievements (out of the diaper and onto the toilet, haha,- yeh, I remember these things- also school projects, graduations, personal hurdles, for some; marriage, babies, divorce, reconciliation- anything you deem an achievement). Other means for that sense of elation are those that center on Newness-- new relationships, new friendships, new job, new car, new toys, new newness.

When we become adults,(ie; you accept responsibility and make choices beyond yourself) our experiences shape our daily outlook and attitude. Milestones become more random and sometimes dreaded. At this point, we must be active in attaining that sense of elation.

Many moments of elation stem from a singular event. You look forward to IT, you work towards IT, IT appears to be happening, IT happens, You are HAPPY because of IT: Temporarily. Then the feelings surrounding IT seem to fade. That is natural progression of how our brains operate. Major events bring upon short lived elation. Blame it on neurotransmitters. This is just what it does when you are dating someone you really dig:

(and neurotransmitters can also depress the ability to feel happy- which is not indicative of a persons choice of lifestyle or attitude- but of their mental make-up- so this would not necessarily apply; in which I offer hugs and support not so much wisdom.. )

So how does one become a happy individual? Although we can't quite achieve that sense of elation (naturally) for an extended period of time, there are ways to increase your sense of happiness. I am confident that you all know what I am talking about, and I am also guessing that there are those of you who this comes more naturally to. Good for you..

So this happy feeling- Are you ready to go there?

Each day you must find things that make you smile, laugh, think, feel good, feel safe--did I mention laugh? To wait for the next big thing- or next newness is striving for a temporary boost. It is great to feel the excitement of something new or feeling a sense of accomplishment when something you have worked for has come to fruition. Sure, it can be the catalyst for greater things to come. However, lets go deeper than that..

At the beginning of your day, ask yourself, How can I make this day better? (what can I say, do, not do), at the end of the day, reflect:"How could I have made this day better? Neither are ones that you would do daily, if at all.. and for some, they already do, even if they are not aware of it; and if you are, that is very powerful stuff.

Don't wait for someone to do or say something specific to make you happy. Believe it or not, you have quite a bit of control in that area.

How so?

Attitude. I don't mean walking around with a cheesy smile on your face and ignoring all that is going on around you.. (although sometimes it is tempting.. ), I mean, your outlook on life, the degree to which you feel you are responsible for the things that go on in it and expecting the best for yourself, knowing you can pull through anything that is thrown at you, letting go of things you cannot control, biting your tongue when all someone needs is an ear, having gratitude, cherishing those people who are in your life that you care about, worrying less about what people/society expects from you and follow through on your own expectations. Letting it out rather than bottling it in, compassion for peoples stupidity (rather than devising ways to get back at them), FIND HUMOR in as much as you can; view life as a comedy. Laugh at yourself. Pat yourself on the back. Be kind to yourself--your negative thoughts will have an overall effect on you.

Your attitude is your responsibility. For those that are not aware of this responsibility, they will find that there are in a perpetual cycle of starting and ending things in pursuit of this elation feeling. People will continually seek the Newness, and when that fades, they gravitate towards the next New Thing. Its ok to seek a new challenge--but it has to be out of personal motivation and perhaps the need to change as opposed to forming a temporary sense of well being.

Think about this: there is happiness in perseverance. There is happiness in the bond and history you share and build with someone. There are the systemic effects of the initial IT that you went for. For example, I was intensely elated upon gaining entrance into Grad School. That feeling has faded.. however, I am happy that I am formally learning and challenging myself. I know that my life is better for it. I am a better person for it. On the relationship side, I imagine that after the initial newness has subsided, that other feelings will replace it, permanently. That person will be included in my world of being able to laugh, smile, think, feel safe, take on the world together, be cherished, and that my attitude will work to make the days as happy as possible.

I find happiness in simple things. Much of it is in the things, experiences and people I love.

I don't wait for the perfect moment to do or say something. Some times are better than others, of course. Sometimes I am chicken to say and do things.. ahh I have plenty to learn :)

I am not constantly running around with a smile on my face, full of bubbling cheerfulness (yikes). I know what the general discussion of happiness and elation is about. --original post, find it here: (e:byllc,3)
I get it; but my thoughts on the subject took me elsewhere, hence this post. One train of thought begot another.

For the record, I do not have life down to a science- I don't know everything. Often I feel that I do not know much at all. Yet I find myself thinking, I wondering, forming thoughts, then I share them. I am aware. I listen. I observe. I learn. I unlearn. I make mistakes. I don't always do things right, but I try to do the right thing.

Random moments off the top of my head..

Elation at finding out about my entrance into grad school.. will be done in August, yet graduation ceremony is Friday May 19th at 1pm

Finally coping with issues, stress, feelings in a positive manner�¢?"not backsliding into self destructive behavior. A little is fine, used as a crutch and not dealing with underlying problem, is not. I had a moment a couple of weeks ago, that I was so damn proud of myself that I felt that tinge of elation--before I burst into tears, haha.. Seriously though, that has kept me going..

Photography: Jumping into icy Lake Ontario for a close up shot of an icicle, that was amusing- of which has not been an isolated incident. I do entirely random stuff.. I don't care. I like it--contributes to my happiness :)

Good music, dancing, letting go.. feeling it and moving to it.

Appreciating little things, moments in the day that tickle me or that I can reflect on.

Seeing, experiencing, being intricately part of the progress of a particular (autistic) child that I work with. I am deeply proud of him on a daily basis. Just today we played catch with a nerfball. This coming from years of zero eye contact, no interaction with the world around him, limited verbal and high frequency of severely intense, aggressive, dangerous behavior. Too see him look at me and laugh along with me while we played catch. Amazing..

Deeply appreciating friendships, knowing who I can talk to.

Great conversations, connections, bonding, spending time with people whose company I thoroughly enjoy.

Writing, singing, nature, closeness, comedy, playing outside (anyone up for some nerf tossing?)

Ahh, kissing. The kind that you can fall in love over.

Embracing my child-like ways (not childish- there is a distinction)- big Happiness factor. the last time I felt that sense of elation was....

Good night, be safe, smile for me..
XO Carey

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Permalink: Be_Still_My_Heart.html
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Category: elephants and tigers

03/22/06 11:12 - 32ºF - ID#35907

Ran Away to the Top of the World

Part of my school work is done.

I have not had the focus that I normally exhibit. Procrastination is a familiar behavior, but I am not feeling very motivated by the rapidly approaching deadline. I would chalk it up to a case of laziness, but I highly doubt that is the case. I have been going non stop for about a year and a half. Maybe I am feeling it.. but I am conditioned to going warp speed on certain matters; and even with that, I am normally pretty well "balanced".

As I think about all of what has gone on lately and the various dimensions of my life and the people in it, it is no wonder that I am having some struggle with focusing. However, I know that this is a temporary glitch and all will be back to normal soon. I am usually able to separate my thoughts and deal with things in such a way as to not disrupt other facets of my life.

So, why not apply the same techniques, coping mechanisms and stress management? Well, some of my typical coping mechanisms are being systematically faded back to lessen the likeliness that I engage in self destructive behaviors and that I am working on shaping other behaviors to deal with issues as other coping mechanisms are no longer employed. I am impressed with my tenacity, strength and resilience- even if I do feel like vomiting and have a knot under my left shoulder.

Yeh, the physiological effects are surfacing, something I was not aware of or experienced before. That too is a temporary state and I will proceed to figure out how to bypass or squelch those effects.

Despite the morass of change, uncertainty and sorting of details that need attending to, I have remained focus on the area of physical change. I consider it the alignment of my outside to my inside.

And that is very well part of it. There are some major changes taking place and I think I am a bit sensitive to everything right now.

So yeh, otherwise I am positive.. things work out in ways that you can not control.. In work, in school, with family, friends and other crazy situations, I bite my tongue, refrain from negative behavior, learn from what goes on and gravitate towards those who I feel good around- those that make me laugh, make me think, those who I feel mentally, physically safe around.. those I can be myself around and those that feel comfortable being themselves around me. Those I have a connection with...

Those that by shear force of being who they are, enhance the sense of balance.

And thats just a good thing..

ya know, friends and things and stuff ;)

(and Hookas, haha)

My post isn't a message. It is really just a ramble- It is what I affectionately refer to as, Brain Poo.

Yes, Brain Poo.

I have so much that I would love to delve into. I have topics that I wish to write about, but not until I have a few spare, quiet and peaceful moments. This is not one of those moments. There are topics, situations and issues that I have been pondering, observing, contemplating and ruminating on, yet have had little chance (or ambition) to write about it. Perhaps that contributes to my "non focus" on school work.

When I have a chunk of time, and it isn't as though I need much time, just enough to type out my thoughts coherently, I wish to form a post about it all. I mean, topics pertaining to political issues, life observations and writing about things that you wrote about in your posts. I have been thinking a lot about one on the last time you felt a sense of elation....which led me to thinking about happiness.. and what it is and what it isn't.. yadda yadda.

Maybe a little road trip is in my future.. I don't have to go far, but I do need to clear my head. Breathe. Laugh. Scream. Think. Laugh some more.. Who's with me?


I have more school work to do.. oh how I look forward to burying my head under my pillows and wrapping myself tightly in my pile of blankets.. to drift off into sweet dreams.

Maybe I will go there first and finish my paper tomorrow-- minutes before class.

Good night.. take care.. be good.

Love, Carey




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