(e:pyrcedgrrl) sent me a link to this video, and since she hasn't been around estrip much lately, I'm snagging it and putting it here. I think its kinda neat-disturbing-fascinating. No surprises really, but a reminder that there is a lot of work that goes into the final "product".

Did some 4-wheeling today. Oh how I want to do more of that this summer. Gliding through the woods, smell of locust trees in full bloom, the spray of last nights rain splashing up on my legs and face, leaning as I wound around puddles, I felt so free. I had to keep a full smile from forming across my face (dirt yes, but I don't think Orbit can get bugs out of teeth!). This yet another facet of my interests, yet something I hadn't done in years. It was simply, a lot of fun.

I thought of past times-- insanely long bike rides as only means of transportation, being chased by wild dogs, hitchhiking during some of those times, owning trucks for the purpose of off-roading and "mudding" with other friends with trucks, racing cars, living 'poor' even with bank accounts, living richly without a dime, a time of meeting strangers and making fast friends of them- sharing in that days adventure. Always carrying a tent and setting up whenever and wherever as needed. Following train tracks for miles on foot, exploring dilapidated buildings and warehouses (think floors broken through), scaling dangerous hillsides (one later killed a friend), breaking into abandoned houses when tenting was not an option, eating what we could find, "cleaning up" in public bathrooms, embracing the darkness without fear. We had jobs and/or college- but that was the extent of responsibility. All free time was our time. Life is to be explored. Risks to be taken. Nights to be wasted drinking bad coffee at Dennys. Drawing, painting, writing, flirting with all that life had to offer. Other times were spent dressing to the nines, trying neat restaurants, dancing the night away in gay clubs. Sometimes gothic, sometimes, techno, sometimes country, sometimes "Chippewa", but always whatever and wherever we felt like. No stone in our life left unturned- other than those pertaining to the expectations of others.

"You don't have to like it" becoming the motto and told to those who didn't understand or approve. Why can't we have it all, have anything we want? We, adventurous, life educated, responsible young men and ladies- having fun, living, experiencing, learning, unlearning, creating our realities as we saw fit. Living a multitude of juxtapositions. Oh such fun!

Most of us broke away from that intense life exploring freedom- or so it seemed at the time. Significant others came into the picture, jobs and school took us across the country, effects of 'defining who we are in relation to everyone else' taking their toll. All of that included myself; focused on school, lived with boyfriend long term, friends moved far away, after college job responsibilities soon followed. Yet it is really just all part of life- the different paths we chose to take- you need to explore to figure out who you are and to remember who you are. Sometimes you need to experience things you truly dislike to appreciate all that you do. Meet people that are toxic to you to cherish those that compliment you.

Overall, distance and time have little effect on the foundation that we all came from. I've seen that with my closest friends- so many maintaining their wondrous ways, while others who had been fumbling toward it, finally finding it. I never wandered far away from my core-being; the adventurous, passionate, playful, loyal, upbeat, deep thinking little girl, young lady, woman. When I have wandered, its been a great learning experience, something to add to the life 'tool box'.

Ive done so many things in my life and there is plenty more to explore! I mean being open to new situations and environments. Doing what feels good, feels right. Being honest, and confident in abiltiies- and comfortable with outcomes, knowing that I had a direct effect on it. Letting people in. Loving others without grand, unrealistic, unfair expectations. Withholding as much judgment as possible, allowing people to be. Being considerate. Laughing at myself, dusting myself off when I trip, lending a hand to those who can use the boost. Taking other peoples hand to help me up. Dropping the ego (when I can!), Living by, 'its all about me' - because by doing that, it will be all about you too. Cant do anhything for anyone, really be there for anyone else until you know, love and have a bit of an understanding about yourself, right? (hehe, I love me)- Accepting my faults (oh my dearest 'sarcasm', I'll never let you go- I accept you with open arms!) acknowledging my strengths, understanding my weaknesses (don't do eveything above at all times, but best intentions exist) etc. So, "exploring" to me, means so many things- and those listed above may sound cliche, but its what Ive got.

I don't live in the past, yet Ive learned from it. I try not to fret over the future, as the present moment too easily passes by. With this, Ive spent time integrating the many facets of my life. Sometimes on purpose, other times by accident. Like today, the trek on the four wheeler was something I entirely forgot about. The friends, lifestyle, interests and generally where I was at at that point of life came rushing back. Its something to think about. Some of those things were part of what felt like a really old chapter in my life, and as they creep back in, as I allow them back in, I find myself curious of why I let it out of my life to begin with. I know that was a different time. I know on many levels things were different. I am comfortable and confident in who I am. I have my moments, but thats just it.. life moments. Times to question and reflect- but not in anyway a summation of life baggage. You know, the baggage that keeps people so weighed down that they are paralyzed from moving- they just can't get past a moment in time- and it effects everything and everyone? Well, I never quite understood that, and thats ok. Guess I'm a bit of a light traveler- I pack only what I need- what will enhance the adventure. ;)

I think about how tweaking my perspective (thats the systems thinker in me) will effect future choices. I think too much, yet not enough. *sigh*

As I returned with my friend from the 4-wheeling adventure, we began figuring out what we need to do before this coming weekends campout/gathering. I have been seriously looking forward to since the last one, just a short month ago. That was a weekend spent talking animatedly about how we always created our realities and continue to do so. For some it seems that life is random, but for our experience, we created and continue to create much of it. There was something we wanted, needed, thought about, we got it. It was simply the expectation that something is real and it easily materialized (manifested). Perhaps it is (was) drive, determination. Maybe its all relation rather than being exclusive. Funny to know all this and to hear more and more about it in the media. The lot of us were always on to something and it was nice to talk about it. I think about this subject often (creating reality).. not much opportunity to talk about it... And during that weekend, we decided that another camp out was in order. We played a lot of Ski-Bo too.

So after my buddy picked me up and after the 4 wheeling, we went out to her cabin/wooded area that the campout will take place. There is a little bit of pre work to be done before hand, which I will gladly participate in ie; mowing, spray land to kill off mosquitoes, retrieve and set up camping/party gear and chop wood. Well, not sure if I trust myself with either an axe or a chainsaw, but I've used both in the past for short projects- though not full on weekend supply of wood chop fest. My little tent is ready to go..

So the itch to just head out somewhere with no particular destination is getting stronger. I need to fulfill a camping excursion that includes some hiking, fishing, nature exploring, and thinking. Or hop in a car (just not mine, ok?) and head out somewhere.. no map- just a good attitude and a desire to relax, laugh.. have a good time.

No fishing required..'cause really, I don't fish much as I don't know what to do with it once caught, other than toss 'em back- and I don't know how to get the hook out-- but I like the idea of it. Sitting in a stream, cooler attached to chair to keep from floating away, thinking, relaxing and not paying any mind to what the time is. The position of the sun is all that is needed to figure that out (and Ive got skills in that). Not much of a planner- rather much more spontaneous. I'm and 'ideas' person and will gladly leave the detailed planning and prep to someone else; not that I don't do a good job of it. I just like to focus on my strengths when I can :)