I await the return of my final exam and final grade. The grade expected and the grade received should reflect continuity, as my efforts usually yield good results. When I do the work for the grade, I put in 100%. When I do the work for myself, to learn as much as I possibly can, and pull together information for my best interests, then the effort is unquantifiable.

I know I earn graduate level “A” grades, but there is something more that I am looking for. I seek to understand. I strive to uncover information, manipulate the process, analyze the variables, assimilate the new, accommodate the familiar and unlearn it all, and start the process over from another angle. This doesn’t clarify an issue, but it certainly keeps things interesting. Maybe there is a reason for my thinking, maybe it is nothing more than the nerd-like tendencies that I have always have had. Maybe it is my discerning tastes and attitude toward quality of life and all that which it entails. In regards to my recently completed class, I am primarily looking for feedback and the instructor’s perception of my learning. This individual is impressive in his experience and intellect. Although not fond of his teaching style, I can recognize the great wealth of information that he can provide both in and out of the classroom.

(-not like “that”--I can hear the *snickers* now, and you know who you are!!!)

Once upon a time, before knowing myself yet after many years of screwing up in the puritanical land of academia, I made the resolution to learn for myself. I have applied this attitude toward many facets of my life. While some people question it, feel uncomfortable with it or have not been able to place me in their familiar schema of how things work, I adamantly persist in this course of decision.

Don’t try to fit square peg into a round hole; and then, is it really square? A closer look may reveal intricate details that change the shape, again making it into something that you can’t quite find a place for. Where does it fit? Well, does it really need to fit in any one place? It exists on its own and perhaps there are others that are similar or maybe not. It is more about being comfortable with who you are and accepting others as individuals as opposed to trying to categorize. This is difficult as it requires challenging the way you think and approach life. All that you know provides direction, but it is the process of learning and unlearning that generates true forward movement. Going nowhere fast? Slow down and think a little, I bet you will end up just where you need to be.

And so, to learn for myself is to be selfish. Before I could do anything for anyone else, I needed to be able to take care of myself. I needed to make decisions based on how it would effect me in the immediate and in the long term. That meant compromising, forgoing certain human tendencies (ie, “in the meantime relationships”, following societal expectations) and holding fast to my values while also maintaining an open mind.

In getting to know me, those that are comfortable with me are those that are comfortable with themselves. They too know who they are, are willing to think and be challenged. They know it isn’t easy yet they know it is worth it. I seek quality, intensity, respect, security, and the ability to share all of me with all that they are. As I always say, I gravitate towards those that make me think, make me laugh and make me want to know more.

Not often am I at a loss for words. If not immediately, I am usually at least able to formulate a response shortly thereafter. However, as of late, I find my thoughts rolling around in my head, trying to make connections, trying to fit the forming (peg) shapes into familiar (round) holes with the result of speechlessness, or just poor articulation. I find my thinking challenged. I find my self in awe and true fascination of this sense of equality. In other times, I would experience a reasonably equal perception on some level. Perhaps it would be on a certain subject matter, a mutual interest, a physiological effect (hey, we all need some) or a random sense of kindred, yet nothing more than that. A passing moment that while enjoyable and appreciated, did not constitute sustained quality and aforementioned needs. And so I would move on.. not looking, yet not denying..

So this loss of verbage is what happens when you encounter an individual that possesses the amazing multi dimensional qualities that resonate within your own being. There are fluctuations in strength and ability, but they are there. You desire to learn, understand and know them. I find myself excited and nervous and wholly vulnerable; yet I am not running. I don't want to run way. Parallels run deep, the differences add quality and dimension, the building of knowledge (in all forms; mental, physical, emotional) is strong and wonderful; it shakes me up inside. The patience to await my words, mutual mental sparring, intelligent and incredible “listening skills”, ability to disengage the guards, confidence, warmth, openness……………………..

Falling? Only if you are there to catch me.


Well, in getting back to the original opening topic, my classwork awaits and I have just realized that I am at the halfway point in my studies. I will be done in August; while it seems far off, it is really just a blink away.

Good night and take care
Carey

Today was a challenge to stay awake. I was soooo tired.

Yesterday, I woke up tired after having some seriously restless sleep the night before. After work I headed out to West Seneca to have my hair colors touched up, so I was quiet and chilled while (e:lilho) did her thing. As always, thanks you :)

And soo, I got in a but late.. couldn't fall asleep.. when I did sleep, it was sweet dreams and the few hours I did have, flew by. The alarm clock rang too soon.

Super duper tired yet in a silly goofy mood, I managed to get through the work day. What a joy to have to go in extra early for team meetings and stay late for yet another meeting. Shortly therafter I headed to school. We had a sub teacher and I seriously thought about leaving early. And... so did a bunch of other people. Funny thing is, there are only 15 of us, so when break came along, about seven of us left.

It was good to leave. I have never left early or missed a class. But, I was sooooooo tired and cold and I did not want to fall asleep on the way home.

And..ya know that feeling when you are all curled up in bed on a cold morning, snuggled deep under the comfy blankets.. its so cold outside, yet you are perfectly warm and fuzzy under neath it all.. and you just don't want that feeling to ever ever end. Perfection, sweetness..
yeh, it was just like that.