Recap of Saturday- Spent a wonderful time with a friend I had not seen in awhile; too long really. How simple and at ease we are with each other. No matter how much times goes by, we always fall back into step. That is how it goes with my closest of friends.

During my home-purge, I placed the nicer belongings to the side with thoughts of giving these items to this particular friend. To my surprise, she showed up at my door this morning. We caught up on life as she went through the boxes of my purging efforts. She fondly laughed at my surroundings, observing the newly formed chaos- and remarked, "Care, you always get into and have fun with your projects." Sure do. I like hands-on, I like to see progress and to use my creativity and energy whenever possible. Something as simple as re organizing,re adjusting, re evaluating and re establishing my environment embodies all of that with an immediate pay off.

I am impressed with how much I have parted with. I am not at all a 'pack rat'- I prefer to keep it simple, so I guess I was impressed that I had that much to give away and still had plenty for myself. I had her pegged as the recipient of all the extra stuff as I knew that anything that she or her husband couldn't use, she could pass on to her cousin, someone I prefer to not be in contact with yet am considerate of. Other specific items will go to friends that I know could use/want/desire them. The remaining will be donated.

To bring in some extra cash, I thought of selling locally or on ebay. I am taking another look at my budget and making changes-as I prefer the comfort of operating in the plus rather than the fear of the red. However, I first want to just give things away-- simply to just get my environment fully cleaned out- top to bottom, inside and out. It is more symbolic than anything else.
Eventually I will revisit the eBay option. It could be fun, right?

The hours passed quickly. My mom stopped over in the early evening and they had a chance to chat as I went through my shelves of books. I parted with a few of those as well- with ones that I knew I would never read and ones that I know certain people will. I'd rather see them enjoyed and shared rather than collect dust.

During this past week, I now have approximately 20 extra dollars in total from found change, singles and one ten dollar bill. There are books in my collection that were pushed out of sight yet are VERY specific to my return to 'me'. There are old letters and memos that remind me of where I have been and where I am going, pictures have surfaced that reminded me of the same, a high level of energy, excitement and lightness continues- a natural and normal part of me yet had been stifled for so long. So all this has not been simply a purging as I first suspected but also an excavation. I am humbled by the experience and opportunity.

After updating and catching up on the important stuff, my friend asks, "this is so cool, what now?"

I am not sure if I am able to articulate that quite yet. I have a sense- something that I can not verbalize, but am working on, gravitating towards. I fumble to explain- explaining what I am rather than what i am not. Standing tall, gesticulating with energy, my right hand is present and future, my left hand depicting the past. I converse with passion, humor and conviction.

I am able to state what I want to learn more about, what I want to try, what I want to get back in to and that whatever I do will embrace my values, needs and essential parts of me.

I am my own organization- I do not want to be owned by any other. I have known this for a long time. However, it during this time that I have the freedom and ability to acheive this outcome. To collaborate and create something of value and fascination is vital. That is me. I do not have the malleable behaviors that are expected from certain mental models. You want someone to maintain the status quo, think inside the box, and nit pick/micro manage? You will not find it here.- it is not a natural state for me to be in. And all that I am, I will not be able to find there/with you. Passion, creativity, honest voice, genuine support and inspiration are a few of my operating standards. Neither mindset/ideal/set of behaviors/attitude are better than the other, they are just different..simply certain things are a better fit respectively- and each must find what works best. If they clash to the detriment of one or the either (or both), then decision have to be made. In a specific situations (still maintaining blog vagueness) I have allowed myself the necessessary time to learn, to try something new, to try to understand and to stand my ground- but not at the price of losing me in the process or at the price of de moralizing others. I wont and can't ever be what they want. Again, gratitude prevails- for so many things on so many levels.
The same qualities are applied to my frienships, romantic relationships, life interests and pursuits.

Unlike here, I stand before my friend and continue in detail, jumping around yet completing the picture. She gets it, as she 'gets' me. And with a knowing smile, concludes that "you know who you are" then suggests that I might get into landscaping.

where did that come from? I don't have all those skills, but I do have a knack for working with my hands, endurance and getting dirty; And for some reason, can grow amazing things outside- not so great indoors :/

Actually, she knows someone who could use 'someone like (me)'. I'm flattered. So many possibilities..

its funny how in reflection some things just make sense.



I look forward to a hike later (Sunday)- so tempted to take my XC skiis propped next to the door out for a snow quality test. Yes, Y-Town has a light layer of white fluff!!! Perhaps if I were to venture further south.. I'll find(or make) a trail. Yeesh, didn't make it out much last year if I recall correctly; not enough snow! My first time out after such a long time will be hilarious. I still havent mastered how to get up after I fall. I think that was the beginning of the end for my digital camera. Ofcourse I had to take a picture of my 'I've fallen and I can't get my ass up' - then fall again (on the camera) while trying to get up and imbed it with snow- (e:theecarey,59) Then there was that time I jumped in the freezing lake with it.. haha- (e:theecarey,52)
I should have invested in a waterproof carey resistant camera. I'll try to behave. But oh, the best (fun) pics are the most compromising ones! Hmm, as I look at the long nordic skiis, I notice a small bunch of mistletoe hanging off of the adjacent door hinge.


Well, is it now approaching 4am. I should have been in bed hours ago. I'm in the mood to engage in some creative expression- dig out the ole crayons. or pencils. or vine charcoal. or finger paint :)

but alas it is time to try for sleep and will have to wait for later.

Good night, stay warm and sweet dreams..

This is a p:mobl post

Terry in front of me, LC to my right,
(e:terry) , (e:ladycroft) and myself worked individually in our respective corners of the taped together drawing paper.

an unplanned design, I played
with colored pencils of dark and light purples,greens and a pink.

pocket pc photos to follow..


(e:terry) 's eyeballs, triscuit and hoof-hand





(e:ladycroft) 's collage of self expression





mine- not sure what or why- I picked up the pencils and just began..







a view of it all together


it was fun

amongst a large array of dRiftwood, I found a perfect walking stick.

the feel of sand under my shoes, and between my fingers, a walk along woodlawn beach at dusk was refreshing.

a few pocket pc pics to follow..

• Going to start an art project tonight- intensly personal- a living journal. Not sure how I am starting or where it is going, but it is mine mine mine. I believe it will take on a more primal element- more authentic with it being hands on, heart on.

• JOe is trying his hardest to get between me and the computer screen. He desperetly wants a rub down. And by Joe, I mean my cat and not (e:pyrcedgrrl) 's father. I've have quickly learned to make that distiction when writing ;)

• Went for a nice long walk through Y-Town and into Fort Niagara yesterday. It was cold, windy and I never fully felt warmed up on my 5 mile trek, but it was none the less refreshing. Watching the waves, listening to the wind and breathing in the icey air helped me feel centered. I felt like the world was mine. I returned well after the sun went down.

• My laptop will be back in my posession soon. It was minor stuff and so I may resume my other business projects, which wany aspects were on hiatus since the lappy went down. Good to be able to go forward again with that. YAY! I intend to immediately back everything up.. this situation freaked me out a bit.

• Had a slew of errends to do today- most were in Lewiston. I just parked my car and walked to all of them. It is blissful to not have to rush.

• feeling good, feeling energized- feeling confident overall. Have had some moments, but they were quickly rationalized and redirected.

time to get moving..

be well,
Carey

I've always wanted a 'secret garden'- now I want it in a greenhouse. How wonderful it would be to breathe and relax and meditate surounded by the warmth, smell and energy of plants (and dirt!)- any time of year.
There must be a water element as well..

so the visual textures of the Botanical Gardens- not sure how these will turn out- will bring my nifty new-ish camera next time (software is stuck in comp)

'Simplicity is the outward sign and symbol of depth of thought.'
I am still contemplating that one.

Anyone ever read, The Importance of Living" written by Lin Yutang? I have an amber paged- musty smelling copy circa 1937. I picked it up awhile ago and had then set it down, only to return to it several months later. The overall message is a reminder to savor life's simple pleasures.

I love the smell of old books. The pages and binding are well intact- and does not appear to be fragile. I will begin to read a few chapters. I enjoy reading to understand others thoughts. In this case a book written in the 30's by a Chinese writer. There are both cultural and generation differences- yet how much is the same? There are common themes across time and places that connect us more than separate us.

I prefer connection.

"Only those who take leisurely what the people of the world are busy about can be busy about what the people of the world take leisurely"
-Chang Ch'ao

enjoy the sunshine..

and as my Moroccan friend always tells me, "don't forget your smile".

Yesterday I awoke with the desire to run through the woods

nothing surprising there, I suppose. I have lost track of how often I have mentioned (and completed) that wish. Yet I have been far off course these last few months, so feeling it yesterday was decidedly a delicate mix of both novel and familiar.

I began with continuing to work on domestic tasks- purging, organizing, cleansing. I am making a mess, disrupting my current 'system', but in a short period of time, it will all come back together. I may very well be the only person who notices- as everything is normally clean and has a relaxing ambiance. But I am getting into the details- it is a bit of a purge on a few levels.

Eventually I made my way to (e:ladycroft) where our outdoor adventure led us to Bird Pier Island. I still wanted very much to breathe in the woods, but time needed to be factored in. I suggested finding the pier as I had yet to go out on it, although I drive by it regularly. We set out not knowing quite where we were going. Thats ok, it is all part of the experience. Well, it was closing in on dusk by the time we parked. perfect.

The breeze was chilly and rain drops began to fall. As always the weather is not a deterent. I was quite pleased with the weather- it felt perfect to me. The darkness came slowly as we made our way to the pier; talking, thinking, laughing sharing ideas. Occasionally we stopped to look at the water- calm along the canal side, rough rushing waves along the river, ourselves making our way inbetween.

I relished the sound of the water crashing upon the boulders.

I ran my fingers lightly over the cool metal cable lining the pier- guiding me as my focus was rarely straight ahead.

Geese, ducks and seagulls delighted me.. "GEESIES!!" "DUCKIES!!", I exclaimed.

In the distance, water crashed over the break wall.

The sky held multiple layers of grey and blue clouds, with deep pink peeking through. The greatest darkness was further into the distance- where the vastness of lake erie held me mesmorized. The combination of breeze, rushing water and birds engolfed me in a sense of the surreal. Breathing in, the air maintained a surprising freshness. Inhaling deeply, it smelt like a summer night in July. LC concurred.

Reaching the furthest point we could go, I was a bit disappointed that it was time to turn back around. We stood and talked a bit longer contemplating the purpose of a structure in the distance that looked like a pirate ship, a magic one at that. Discussion of lake surfing, rafting and stealth missions ensued. The return walk was just as visually pleasing but in a less dramatic and surreal way.

Darkness now apparent, the evening lights of Buffalo and Canada reflected off the water, encouraging color selection for a painting palette. "so many colors in the water right now" with the ducks swimming by, making endless ripples. The structures of downtown were seen from a refreshing persective- a future trek will include my camera.

(e:mrmike,224) we too considered the fate of Fred and Christina :) and that abandoned black sweater proved to be a vital element in hiding LC's secret treasure. I am pleased to have finally located the pier (thanks, (e:pyrcedgrrl) ) and to have shared this experience with (e:ldaycroft) - who is equally up for a spontaneous outing. The remainder of the evening included making a yummy dinner, playing Simons Quest and munching on apples for dessert.

Today, I spent time outside getting my hands dirty.

damn, that felt good.

at the risk of sounding.. veiled..


It felt good to be somewhere I didn't belong- all the learning and unlearning that can be gained from such experiences.. but it feels so much better to take the necessary steps toward getting to where I do belong.

when you are on a path that is clearly not good for you (mentally, spiritually, physically,socially) and you know what lies ahead are things much greater, much more in alignment with who you are and are becoming, then the whole universe conspires for you- to help return you to who you are and guide you to where you need to be.

That I am grateful for..

and I am grateful for the opportunities, challenges and perceived 'roadblocks' and self questioning that has consumed the last quarter of 2006.

I am grateful for my family and friends (interchangeable labels) that have been available to support, to question, to listen and to just be there..

and I am grateful for the strength to choose freedom, to choose peace, to choose my well being in light of the grand scheme of things

and I am grateful for the energy and excitement and authentic sense of calm that accompanies me,

on this new life adventure.

And you know how much I love adventure ;)

mmm the sunshine was especially splendid today. I was still at work while the sun set, but I could see streaks of purple and orange trailing beyond the windows of the building, above the tree branches, reaching beyond what my eye could see. I would have done anything to be able to stand at my waters shore and watch the gorgeous display unfold.

Instead, I stood at the reception desk, looking out the front doors and imaging the rest of what I could not see, but what I knew was there.

If I take a few steps back into last night, I was equally in awe of the moon. Driving home from work, the bright light reflected off of the water as I drove north across the Grand Island bridge. Moonlight on water, I am not sure if I have ever seen it look so intense, beautiful and intriguing. The image is burned into my mind- only a picture could do better- and only if I was taking that picture.

I was able to extend the experience after I parked my car. Gazing upwards, the clear starry sky provided a backdrop for the full moon. Amazing. I breathed in the cool air- feeling neither warm nor cold- just peaceful and delighted.

Yes, I share this sentiment often- and as always, I never tire of the things I see, smell and experience with nature.

Today is a lovely day!

so much intense energy in the air, that I must go and explore it.

I feel like a door has opened upon a universe that I knew existed, but had been locked and I was holding the wrong key.


I dreampt last night of a building, I was searching for the 4th floor.

In past dreams, I would end up on the 3rd floor, where the derrannged and disgusting elements of my life (now and past) existed. Often the thrid floor existed at the first house I rented (with first serious boyfriend) so many years ago. I dream about this house on occasion. Other times this "third floor" makes it way into unknown abodes.

In my need to get up the stairs of this extraordinarily enormous mansion, I found myself easily bypassing the third floor (despite some concern for someone finding me) and made it directly to the fourth.

The fourth led me to land in a room that felt like scaffolding, yet had windows. The view from the window was the most amazing and intense sight I had ever seen. It had the view as though from the Empire State building at night, yet with more detail and clarity.

The floor beneath my feet swayed, the view infront of me kept me focused and feeling safe. I was not concerned about the rocking floor- I was confident of being sure-footed.

elements of the job, co workers, past schooling, current people and experience infused itself into this dreamscape.

the overall feeling was very positive.


I definitely woke up on the right side of the bed.


Now its time to get outside and explore
I am just so excited today!!

glad to have (e:ladycroft) to join me today!