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Category: silliness

01/24/06 11:37 - 36ºF - ID#35862

Sucking on..

  • Ricola cough drops, various flavors. Check.
  • Orange juice. Check
  • NyQuil, gel tabs. Check.
  • Puffs tissue, extra big box. Check
  • Large mug of Rooibos (red) tea. Check
  • Bob, this 30yr olds beloved stuffed turtle, which is sad and endearing at the same time. Check

  • And a dish of Cookies and Cream ice cream, whipped to a thick milkshake consistency. Check.

Ahhhh, the cool creamy texture is a retreat against my hot, sore throat.

With sleep and happy thoughts, all should be well.

Anything should be better than last night. Barely any sleep as I coughed most of the night. I tried sitting up, but the coughing continued. When I did doze, get this, I dreamt of [search]typeHere[/search]I dreamt of the chat and posts. I don't recall any detail now, but had I taken the notion to jot down some of it, I am sure it would have been entertaining.

No more [search]typeHere[/search]before bed. Yet, I know this isn't likely...


Again, my brain cell depletion due to constant hacking leads me to thinking about: toilet seats.

I am looking to replace my toilet seat.. duct tape just isn't working anymore..Its soo last season. ;)

Here are some possibilities I am entertaining:

Can you imagine walking into the bathroom and pulling up on the toilet seat? Hopefully you will manage to piss in the toilet before pissing yourself..
image

Groovy. When I flush, I want "You spin me right round baby right round" to sound..
image

Don't take my toilet. I hate it went people steal my toilet..That shit ain't going nowhere, beotch! ;)
image

ha, to replace that picture with just about anyone.. That would be fun. Who would you like to fling poo at? tell me..
image

Gasp! They stole my idea..
image

And this is just tacky.. har har! --I don't have the bad pun skills that (e:josh) has :)
image


My delerium leads me to bed.. and dreams of, "PBS"...


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Permalink: Sucking_on_.html
Words: 329
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: ramble

01/23/06 10:18 - 32ºF - ID#35861

Dear Diary

Monday, already? You can be such a downer. Why aren't you more like Friday, hmm? Fridays are fun..

I spent the early part of Friday evening at the Third Street Tap Room in Niagara Falls, located just a little ways down from the casino. I have never ventured into any establishment in the Falls for entertainment purposes, so this was quite the experience. I am just not fond of the area. I lived there for a short period of time in a relatively bad section. I tried to see the good and occasionally I did, but it was not enough to keep me there. I moved on within a year for I was so very uncomfortable and somewhere inside, scared.

The primary reason for going into the Falls, was because it is pretty much a half way point between where my friend lives (S. Buff), and where I live (Y-Town) and that they haven't really been in that area either.

Ok, so this bar on 3rd Street was pretty cool. I am not sure what kind of crowd it draws as we left by 10:30 or so. I walk in and I see they have a large assortment of beer, as the name of the bar promises, on tap; Blue Moon, Guinness, Sam Adams, Rolling Rock, and a few others that now elude me. Whatever, I worked on Blue Moon all night and tried a few varieties of Scotch.

Most of the scotch was pretty good. I no longer remember any of the labels or even certain details of conversation, but what I do remember is making an observation on one ancient bottle of Scotch. The aroma was unpleasant. It had a strong cork smell. I tried a sip and its taste instantly reminded me of the old bottles of liquor my parents kept in a super high cupboard, as a kid.

My grandparents owned a tavern, Izzy's. Neither my mother nor father drink, but when the grandparents passed away, quite a few bottles of various liquors were kept.

Now, although these bottles were kept well out of reach, years later, it did not stop my hard-core partying teen-age sister from getting into the contents of these bottles. I remember watching her add water to the bottles afterwards. I learned a lot from my sister; mostly what not to do in life, but in this case, I too, added water to the bottles after a night of friends and sneaking into the "liquor cabinet".

We never drank much, as the shit was pretty nasty. I am sure it would all be damn good now, but young taste buds that have not yet acquired a taste for any sort of alcohol couldn't possibly appreciate it then. I think a majority of liquor was scotch whiskey and rums and I am not sure what else. I like to experiment..

So the smell of the scotch and the odd taste of it reminded me of my taboo ventures into the dust covered liquor bottles.

I shared my story with the bartender, my friend and anyone else who was listening. It is funny to look back on it.

And I wondered how watered down the bottles were by the time I got to them after my sister (who is 8 years older) and then how much more watered down they were after I was through with them. I doubt the bottles are still kicking around. I think my mom eventually tossed them. Not sure.. I will have to ask.

We stayed at this bar a lot longer than anticipated. We were just going there to meet up and decide what to do for the remainder of the evening. However, great conversation, laughter and fine drinks paved the way for the evening to be spent just as we were. Topics in politics, social issues, food, and sports made it difficult for either one of us to shut up long enough to go somewhere else. Not a bad thing at all. When we finally thought about moving on, it was late and raining, and there were not too many options left for us (we had both envisioned walking around). So we stayed for a little longer and then eventually decided on a little trip to Youngstown.

I had a great time.

Saturday felt surreal. I did not sleep more than a few hours yet I was not tired enough to go back to bed. Instead, I found myself ravenous. I did not know what I wanted to eat, but I knew that it did not exist in my cupboards. I got in touch with (e:ladycroft) and we decided we would go to the Super Flea Market on Walden then find somewhere to eat.

There was a specific purpose to going to the Flea Market. We are pricing Hookas. I felt itchy being in that place. Walking around looking at random crap that looked like stolen goods did nothing for me. It was also super dusty, so my nose and body were itching. Maybe if I had gotten some sleep and my muscles, head to toe, weren't sore, then it may have been more amusing to look around. OOooOOoh, all was not bad, as I found a few tables of old school Nintendo games. There are bunches that I want, but the one I am looking for (and found!!) was Castlevania: Simon's Quest. I am sooooo excited to have found that!! (e:ladycroft) and myself will have a marathon night of drinking and playing this game as we did as kids. Well, minus the beer. I believe Coke Classic was our preferred poison back then.

I am going to find the Nintendo cord, toss a tv up on the coffee table and we shall have some fun. Yay! Strange how I had *just* written about wanting to play Nintendo, especially that game.

Afterwards we went to Ambrosia on Elmwood. I was starved as I had not eaten yet. I ordered pasta with all sorts of yumminess in it: feta, artichokes, olives, and sun dried tomatoes.

I knew (e:Jessika) was having a party (Happy Birthday, btw!) and that (e:paul)'s birthday was that night as well, and that he was probably going to her party.. But with Timika's lungs burned from bleach, not feeling well and sounding like a man (she really did) and my no sleep/sore body, neither one of us felt up to partying. Still, we really wanted to wish Paul a Happy Birthday. After grabbing some Goldschlager, we headed over to the apartment. It was great to spend a little time with (e:paul), (e:matthew) and (e:terry). I always enjoy their company and was rather missing them. I also got a chance to play/ snuggle the uber cute sugar gliders. I bonded with (e:matthew)'s little darling. He nibbled on my nipples a few times. It was a direct munch, but it did not hurt. Crawling inside my sweater and snuggling into my boobs was sugar glider bliss. They are very cute and I love their long fuzzy tails. I am a sucker for such cuteness.

The time flew and we had to leave. Going to a movie was mentioned earlier. I was up for that. (e:jenks), (e:ldaycroft) and myself went to see Underworld at the Elmwood Regal. It was a great movie to see in the theater. With plenty of ass kicking and a shirtless hot guy-animal-vampire hybrid. Yum.

After returning to Hamburg to pick up my car, I was debating on going out. I could do it, I thought.. I was no longer that tired. Once in the car, however, I felt the pull to go home to bed. And that I did.

I pretty much slept all day Sunday. My cat Joe was happy to have me to curl up with. Although, I think he bit my ass. I am a little dumb founded on that one.

In the evening, (e:pyrcedgrrl) came over and we caught up on stuff then watched Wedding Crashers. Funny. "go out and get yourself some strange ass". Haha. Simple things crack me up.

So now it is Monday. I have a lot of school work and studying to do this week. On Thursday, I have an exam, a presentation and a butt load of homework and reading due. I feel like I am coming down with a cold. I sure hope not. I just feel mucousy grossness. I was all sinus ickiness last week, but it has intensified a bit. Yuck. I dozed off for an hour after getting home from work. Now I am wondering if I will be able to sleep. I am busting out the Airborne/Germ Defense and drinking a gallon of OJ, which I always crave at the sign of germ invasion. Bah!

Work annoyed me today. Our fiscal year begins in July. At that point we are eligible for a raise. As long as you have a heart beat, you pretty much get one. This pisses off the people who have and use a brain, as well. Like yours truly. I can get over that, as it is my choice to work where I am at (for the time being). We usually do not begin to see our raise until January, then shortly thereafter we receive a retro active check for the difference, going back to July. It is never a large sum, but it is nice to know that it is coming. We just received word that our raises have gone through but that we are NOT getting our retro pay. So, really, we are losing out on six months of our raise. They are "looking" to find funds for this. BULL SHIT. They have been doing a very intense capital campaign for the past couple of years and recent efforts have stepped up. This feels shady and further demoralizes the employees. Bah, I have no energy for a full on rant. I hate being sick.. I feel like I am getting in the way of myself, if that makes sense.

Well, how's that for a run down on my weekend. I have no mental energy yet I felt like writing or rather, rambling. I have topics of interest I intend to tackle when I have more than a few hours to contemplate, research and formulate my idea(s). Also be more reflective in my writing style. In the meantime, I save all that extra mental effort for school and work. Well, maybe not so much work. I think I have shifted into neutral as far as that is concerned.

Good night.. be healthy.
Carey

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Permalink: Dear_Diary.html
Words: 1771
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: friday

01/21/06 10:05 - 44ºF - ID#35860

One Word: (my shortest entry ever)


Score.
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Permalink: One_Word_my_shortest_entry_ever_.html
Words: 1
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: school

01/20/06 12:13 - 45ºF - ID#35859

I should be in bed

I am eager for the weekend, as always.

Class was good tonight, as always, with this fucking fantastic teacher I have. I managed to get through the teaching/presentation thing alright. We made a video and just had a lot of fun putting it together for tonight. Never had so much fun in a Starbucks bathroom.

We are all part of a study group, which we use to learn from each other and work on group assignments. We meet for 4-5 hours weekly to take care of such assignments. Through this, we really get to know each other and come to depend on each other. The relationships deepen over time and it is fun to have that constant rapport.

In the beginning of the program, we choose our group mates. I had three lovely gentlemen and myself making up the study group. (I *knew* just what I was doing). I get teased about it all the time. Recently one of my mates moved after getting a police job offer down south. Another group was experiencing interpersonal issues that could not be resolved (I had been working on this for many classes, being the class rep) so one of their members came to my group. Now we have an even number of girl to guy, as with the other groups. We have a lot of fun during class and outside of class, which our other class mates have picked up on. There had been an occasion awhile back where we were huddled close together talking about something that I no longer recall. Whatever it was, was over heard by a classmate, and was taken out of context. It was hilarious, as they thought we were talking about something sexual. Not a big deal, but since then, things have built on top of that... now it is an inside joke that keeps getting bigger and bigger. I am apparently the Ring Leader of Perversion. "carey's the ring leader", cracks me up everytime. The fact that we ended up in a Starbucks bathroom (becuase the background music was too loud for our voice recordings for the video), just adds to our strange group tales. They aren't as risque as they seem..

SO tonight, while in class, I was in a fabulous (e:chat) on hot guys and fellatio -complete with pics. Yay! I am a very visual person. I could not concentrate in class.. at all. No blood going to my brain, I turned immediately stupid. I had to keep my laptop turned away from everyone as I feared they would notice and reinforce my moniker. My school issued lap top is full of interesting images. If anything happened to where it would need to be serviced.. yikes. It will be officially my laptop once I graduate. Speaking of which:

My graduation ceremony is May 19th (?). Although I am not officially done until August. It scares the hell out of me that it is now just a few months away. Yikes.


Yesterday I had received a phone message from the doctors office asking me to call back regarding some bloodwork I had done. They say nothing, other than to call back. I really could have used a "Nothing to worry about, just call us at your convenience.." No, this was a stern request to call back. Of course it is past office hours, so I would have to wait until the next day. I called shortly after waking up.

I get bloodwork done a couple of times a year to check my Thyroid levels. My Thyroid is underactive, No big deal, I take a little pill daily to get the furnace going. Then every few years, they check cholesterol, this is one of those years. I guess they also do CBC-complete blood count as well, I had no idea until they told me. Not sure what they look for in that.. I will have to do a search to find out (and I did not think to ask, I was not quite awake yet when I called).

Everything is totally fine. All looks very good, all the numbers are where they should be or better. HDL,LDL, TriGlyc, Overall, blood sugar, CBC and the thyroid.

My point??They could have just said that in the message. Ok, maybe not the specifics.. but don't leave a messsage that sounds like, "omg, you must call us asap".

bah.

I swear they were hoping for bad cholesterol. Sounds paranoid.. but the last conversation I had was about my weight gain from my injury and how I have not fully taken it all off yet. I am getting there! Comments like, "You've only lost 20 lbs in the past year".. when overall, in the past two years, I have lost over half of what I gained during the injury/recovery phase. I lost a lot the first year I was back to normal Yeh, i have slowed down, but 20lbs is still pretty damn good. I am active, I eat well and it will just take time. In the mean time, I enjoy the extra fluff. I have no hangups.. It is just interesting, this whole weight business. I also did not want to drop it too quickly. I agree that I need to step it up a bit, but to say "only 20 lbs"?? NOT HELPFUL. Then they proceed to contemplate what my cholesterol must be like. As though I am sowing on prime rib and twinkies all day.

So yeh, I tell them to flip back the chart a couple of years.. to see where I am at "normally".. then to look at post injury info and then to really look at the progress I have made. Every single time. I want to strangle them...

But I wont change doctors. Its just a once a year hassel. And by the end of summer, they wont have to be that way anymore anyways.,

One minute to Friday!

I thought about, with the added brain power of (e:ladycroft) and (e:metalpeter), that I might check out Glow in the dark putt putt, a haunted house and maybe grab some food somehwere... like Hard Rock or East SIde Marios.. depends on the time and what we actually decide to do. Depends on if our plans change.. but any more ideas on what to do in Niagara Falls, would be great..Too funny..

Good night, all!
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Permalink: I_should_be_in_bed.html
Words: 1066
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: potpourri

01/18/06 11:14 - 29ºF - ID#35858

Bustin' shit up

I guess I will be "bustin' shit up" in the Falls this weekend. Never thought I would purposely go there..for entertainment. But an adventure will transpire..

I know someone who has not been to Niagara Falls and they want to check it out. This is just the hilarious adventure that I am up for. The camera will be ready. Any suggestions on where to go? Eat? (other than porn stores, walmart and denny's?- I was just there). Of course my classist view on the area will be sure to provide much biased entertainment, but my company will most likely enjoy this charming side of my personality. What's not to love? ;)

hey hey, don't go there.

The way I figure, you don't have to like it: what I do, what I say, what I think, what I write, what I talk about, what I look like, what I laugh about, what I wear, what friends I keep, or how I feel. Not an exhaustive list, but you get it.

What matters is what I think about those things.


What do I like about you, gentle reader? Your views, your politics, your perceptions, your differences, your similarities, your choices, your desire to share, your secrets, even your ignorance.. but mostly, your ability to not give a fuck what anybody else thinks, becuase, hey, they (I) don't have to like it, either.

You are not placed on this planet to entertain me.

Unless you are a stripper, then Boy, take it off and entertain till the sun comes up. Or I am dehydrated.


On that note, I include a few random thoughts:

  • I have school work to do. I am finishing a class shortly and have an enormous amount of work and studying to do.

  • I am bored with my work. I am a plant that has outgrown its pot. In this case, my position. Lost as to what to do next.. education and career wise. Do I tackle that Doctorate that I have been entertaining? Do I switch gears and try something new? Do I dare settle with what I have now... ?

  • Changes must be made. They just must.. My self perception and what is real are not the same.. strange indeed. I hear the "wake up call".

  • I have learned to appreciate my friendships. I didn't realize it until this past year. I feel all warm and fuzzy, so I dare not write any more about it. Let me say, I truly appreciate my friends.. the ones who have been there and the new ones I have made. yay!

  • I have abandoned my art. What is wrong? Where is my muse?

  • I am thoroughly excited by life. yep.. In all its craziness, it is interesting to see how things unfold.. for the better and worse.. and better again.

  • hmmm..Dashboard Confessionals. I forgot I had that in my emo collection. I have neglected my cds since the GoGoGadget iPod purchase.

  • I gravitate towards positive people, as I am a positive person overall. Not that it necessarily shows in my entries, but thats the beauty of writing-- you just write what is on your mind at the moment. I have numerous years of writing, it is fascinating to see the different mental spots I have been in through the years--to see the change, to see where I have stagnated- to see My tale unfold.

Thats about it for now..

Take care everyone!

Respectfully,
Carey











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Permalink: Bustin_shit_up.html
Words: 574
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: silliness

01/17/06 08:22 - 41ºF - ID#35857

No drama in this post

I have needed to sneeze for over six hours.

six hours.

It is quite the insane feeling to feel the need to sneeze, constantly, for six hours.

SNEEZE ALREADY!!!

ahhhhh!

If I keep my nostril closed, it lessens the sensation.

If the earth shakes and you hear "WOO HOO!!" after wards, just say "bless you", 'cause that meant I finally sneezed.



That is all.

Carey :)



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Permalink: No_drama_in_this_post.html
Words: 65
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: gaming and dogs

01/13/06 11:20 - 51ºF - ID#35856

Full moon, Friday the 13th, weekend!

I want to play Tetris, dammit. I have an old school Nintendo system, circa 1985. I have a stack of games that remains, from back in the day. Mario Bros 1,2,3, Loopz, Tetris 1,2, DuckHunt, Pro Am and I should have a few others as well. If I get this system fired up again, I may make my way to the pawn shops to see who has some games lingering. I would like to find "Simons Quest", a game that (e:ladycroft) and I would play for hours; monsters, blood and mystery.. cool stuff.

I found the games, controllers (including gun) and the main unit easily enough, however, the ac adapter and other cord(s) were not found. I didn't look real hard as there are so many places that it could be stashed. I will have to continue my search in the daylight. I don't do basements or garages very well alone and at night. I am sorry I did not think to begin my search earlier, as I had envisioned a night of sitting in my underwear, drinking Guinness draught, bonding to new music and playing Nintendo.

I had other systems, such as Odyssey. Which was cooler than Atari. Better graphics, cooler games and it had a flat keyboard. I remember playing the game, "Cryptologic", where you would type in any word you wanted, which was then scrambled. The other player had to try to figure it out. Ofcourse we would come up with the dirtiest words our little minds could come up with. That game system was circa 1982, I think. I have a picture of myself with it at Christmas. It kicked around until just two years ago. I think I tossed it. I purged a lot of stuff in my last move. Including games to Sega Genesis (Road Rash!) and Super Nintendo.

Hmm, all this game talk is making me itch for a system. *thinking*, but not anytime soon. I'd be starting at zero, and I am well aware of the cost involved. So, not now... I will just have to play yours :)


I have some computer games I could play such as Myst, Riven and a few other similar games. I also have a paid membership to a game site, www.pogo.com, so that would be a possibility as well, although once I have something in my mind, that's just what I want. Dammit.


I was thinking about how I used to play a computer game, back in the summer of 1985, called "Roots" or maybe it was "Below the Roots". It played on a Commodore computer. I recall spending a week at an uncles house, and I would just play that game the entire time. ((I was 9 years old. Back to the Future was playing in the theater. I lost a tooth while watching it. My uncle had a really cool orange Volkswagen bus. Those were damn cool!! Back then I could stand up inside and my head not quite touched the roof.)) I would love to play that game again, just to see why it held my interest so deeply.


So tonight, no games are on my agenda. Instead, I have gone ahead with sitting in my underwear, drinking Guinness, listening to new cds (Insanity Wave, Psychedelic Furs and Morcheeba), and looking up information on dogs. Eventually I will move on to reading for awhile. I have about a half dozen books I am working on and a gigantic stack that I hope to get to on my next work break.

Tonight I will choose an entertaining and fairly mindless book, probably a horror or psychological thriller. Or maybe this book on a grassroots movement that is working on "causing a new form of spirituality to emerge upon the earth". An interesting read, so far. I will read anything, from any viewpoint, on pretty much any subject. I havent declined a topic yet..


The dog information search is because I would eventually like a dog. I am going to take this process slowly and thoroughly. I have never owned a dog. I need to make sure that I am able and fully willing to take care of a dog. Honestly, I would prefer to be a secondary care giver, not the primary. In this, I would be more comfortable if someone else took the lead. I have a ton of questions and concerns. I am trying to figure out when it would be a good time in my life to have a dog. I also need to choose a breed that will fit into and adapt to my lifestyle and apartment size. I may want a Newfoundland but my apartment is only big enough for a Chihuahua. Yet i do not want that kind of dog. I think my cats would laugh at it. In my search, I think I can go for breed that falls into the small to medium category. I know I need one that gets along with other animals.

It must not eat my cats!

I want one mostly for my cat Joe to adopt as his own. He is fond of "babysitting" other animals that I have brought into the house. He is fascinated by them, follows them everywhere and kisses them if he is allowed to. I figure based on this, I would want to go the puppy route. So there is obviously a lot for me to think about, and a significant amount of knowledge, time and effort is needed before and during this process. I am leaning towards a terrier of some sort, maybe a Boston Terrier? maybe a Pug? I will keep researching.. I will not take any action until I feel I am well informed and fully ready for the responsibility.

Joe checking on (e:Bambi) (she is ladycrofts dog, therefor is a peep by association!)
image

He's going in to steal a kiss from this strange looking girl.. I missed the actual contact he made with her.
image

chillin'.. but watchful.
image

an urge to tie up Bambi (maybe I need to reconsider dog ownership)
image

c'est moi!
image


And so, that is my night so far. I am keeping low, for no reason other than the desire to have a nice quiet night at home. The work week was a bit exhausting. I have patience, understanding, humor and some aloofness to get me through any situation at work. I only feel frustrated when people have within their power a way to make it possible for a job to be done better. The Autistic kiddo I work with are challenging, which I love, and I love the chaos and the unknown. I also love to see the progress they make. I despise people who have no idea of what we do, getting in our way. They do nothing but smother our morale and make for a dangerous work environment. Severe behaviors have led to a multitude of injuries. It is accepted that it is part of the job, but please do not make it harder by butting in. (little rant was needed, thank you). So, I could use a thorough massage as I can feel the tension in my shoulders and a few areas of overworked muscles. It is prompting me to up my physical activity and add extra strength movements. Primarily to increase my job performance..


One last thought (or one that has been there) on my mind: My current class, with my absolute favorite teacher ever, boosts my energy and morale. I could barely sleep last night after getting in from class. I wanted to fall asleep, but my mind was bouncing. Before I start gushing about him, I will end this. However, last nights class was a gentle kick in the ass about things that I have been thinking about for a long time. And that I will write about soon enough. (journal prompt)


Step outside and take a look at the moon..

Good night!

Take care and be safe..
Carey
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Permalink: Full_moon_Friday_the_13th_weekend_.html
Words: 1334
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: potpourri

01/10/06 11:23 - 33ºF - ID#35855

Ponderings

Another glimpse into my humor-- snagged from a random email..


Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?


In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"



This is as deep as it gets.
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Permalink: Ponderings.html
Words: 107
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: dirty

01/07/06 01:22 - 22ºF - ID#35854

Bareback Mounting

er, no, thats not it..

ah, Brokeback Mountain

I am a sucker for a hot guy.
This movie had two..

What I wouldn't/would do to be the filling in that sandwhich.

  • sigh*

yeh, more steamy scenes would have been appreciated, deeply.

But my imagination can work out the details just fine.

I could feel the love in the movie..

And my new semi mushy self felt semi sad..

(e:jenks), (e:ladycroft) and myself met up at the Dipson Theater on Hertel (Palace Theater), which was jam packed. People were running down the street to get to the 7pm show. Opening night for this area and the only theater showing it as per movie listings www.fandango.com


Shoulda seen the masses awaiting to get in for the 10pm show..


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Permalink: Bareback_Mounting.html
Words: 131
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: embarassed

01/04/06 04:06 - 44ºF - ID#35853

Is "lost" the new "L" word ?

I was about to post a comment, then decided otherwise.

Yuck

I don't particularly like that I am writing about this.

Especially so publicly. I will make it short. And maybe delete it.

Ever been a person that didn't "feel" much, never attended to it.. then at some point find yourself tangled up in a whirl of, um, emotions??

That anything remotely emotional would send you running, running as fast as you can because it takes too much effort and vulnerability to deal with it. Its messy and you are particular and have discerning tastes, so no one could really 'get in' even though they tried. That if you stayed away from potentially good people (guys) just so you don't have to worry about dealing with those feelings. Expiration dates are good, because you know that you will just have superficial fun in the moment, then go on.. Because it feels a lot safer.

Then you meet someone who has far superior emotional capabilities and the chemistry is right and you find yourself opening up with gentle persistence.

"I don't scare easy" they say, and that is wonderful; because you do. But you don't run, in fact you find yourself doing/saying things (and not doing things) that would never have been considered before.

And you care. You care a lot. It's become a part of you. There is no turning back.

You wish amazing things for that person. You find everything is about them and not so much yourself. I don't mean in a self neglect sort of way, but in that "I am no longer selfish" sort of way.

And you don't go anywhere, because you didn't think they would run/scare away.

But they did. *poof*

And that sucks.

No, it hurts.

Fuck, I hate that.

And you still wish amazing things for that person. With everything you have and all that you are you still want them to be happy, have success, fun, and would love to be able to take away their lost feelings, their past turmoil.. and you know you would, if you could.

It's a raw feeling. Maybe it will go away. I've never done this before.
I just know that the root canal I had done a couple of hours ago, is nothing in comparison to this.

And so I had to write.

To you, the first to challenge my attitude, feelings, knowledge set..

You know that I am authentic in my words, meaning and means..

I am not scaring off easily.

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mike said to grandma
I'm so glad you made it safely!...

mike said to grandma
I'm so glad you made it safely!...

joe said to grandma
OMG welcome!...

joe said to mike
New years resolution to top (e:strip)?...