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Category: reflection

05/11/06 11:40 - 60ºF - ID#35934

raindrops

Class let out early tonight, a much welcome surprise, and a needful one. I could not concentrate at all. My mind wandered and daydreamed; only my body was in class. When the teacher wrapped it up, I was the first one out the door..

It is always nice to come home, especially two hours earlier than expected.

Before entering my apartment, I stood out in the rain. The air was still mild, the rain droplets fell softly and the scent of lilacs were in the air. I don't have to go inside yet, I thought to myself, and turned away from the front door and towards the steps that would lead me back out into the night.

I had no destination or length of walk in mind as I took off down the dark quiet street; the waxing moon covered by clouds. The only sounds were frogs, raindrops and my footsteps. Every few houses I passed a lilac bush. As the lilacs bloom, the aroma builds. I love that there is a lilac bush right outside my bedroom window. How wonderful to have the fragrance drift into my room as I sleep. As I walk, I breathe deep the scents of lilac, earth and rain. (Essence of Worm will be tomorrows olfactory delight if this rain continues.. ;) )

The village remains quiet during this evening walk. I walk briskly down the street until I reach the river. I decide to go down a hill to the Youngstown Mariners Landing. There are benches, boat docks, and yachts. Sitting on a bench, I take a moment to look at the lights reflecting off of the water. The raindrops continue to fall softly, wetting my hair and clothes, but not making me cold. Tonight, the air is warm; the light from the lamp post shows the fog over the river. It is dreamlike and peaceful. And sexy too. I just love a warm rainy night..

A few minutes later, I pull myself from my imaginative thoughts. I decide to continue on my walk with a focus on breathing and taking note of the historical homes, and entertaining memories of childhood through my teen years.

A few miles and many thoughts later, I return home. Before I wander up the steps to my front door, I stop at the lilac bush. With nose to the bloom, I inhale; then I pluck a branch off the bush and bring it inside with me.

Delicious.



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Permalink: raindrops.html
Words: 408
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: ramble

05/09/06 10:57 - 65ºF - ID#35933

a little bit of this

A little bit of this, a little bit of that..

  • Viewed two bonfires during last nights walk through the village. The smell of burning wood, the site of flames and sparks, and the non descript chatter heightened my desire to have a bonfire myself-- hopefully sooner than later. Who's in?

I could see that one yard had torches lit.. and I thought I heard a little somethin' like water.. could that be a jacuzzi? hehe ..and can I join? *vision of myself walking into the strangers back yard and settling myself into their jacuzzi, "hey, what's up?" * What would they do? Not something I would actually do..

  • Tonights stroll led me past houses with music cranked high. It certainly added to my already bouncy steps. I sorta peeked into the windows of one house (shhhh..don't tell anyone! ;) ) as I could hear and feel some techno. Techno, baby, yah!!! The guy I saw seemed to be really into the music- perhaps he was creating the beats I heard? Anyhow, my sly prying eyes only glanced in as long as I walked past the house, so it isn't as though I stopped, went up to the bushes and peered in.. I leave that for Certified Stalkers and Other Creepy Peeps People Peepy's :)

Not much of a country music fan, so the second melodious house did nothing for my auditory preferences. What I thought was interesting is that the guy appeared to be washing his truck. At ten pm. Sure, I would do that, maybe.. but there were no lights on!! Then again, this area does glow in the dark.. right, (e:libertad,5) ? ;)

  • Work endlessly fascinated me, even if I have maxed out my learning capacity. Heh, I need to figure out my next step, SOON! Everyday, the kiddos do something that amazes me. I have seen and been part of the progress that they have made over time. At some point, I will actually write about my job- what Autism is, what it isn't, Applied Behavioral Analysis, Discrete Trial Instruction, Behavior Modification, etc.. In the meantime, I share little amusements.

The children have been talking more and more. I have seen them go from being completely non-verbal to being able to state basics needs and using hundreds of words. Today was about my name. It wasnt planned that way.. but somehow, one little girl perseverated on my name. "Carey Carey Carey" "Hiiiiiiiiii Carrrrrrrey" "Carey". The boy I work very closely with, has taken to saying my name as well.. very softly, in a whisper, "Miss Carey, I want _____ please" (fill in blank with any number of requests: pretzel, water, bathroom, cereal, gummy, tickle, ball, etc). Another child was calling me everyname but the correct one. So we worked on that... and had a lot of fun working it into everything. He laughed a lot. So did I. Good stuff.

Now the one incident that cracked me up for hours, was whiile I worked on a "greeting" program with another boy. It goes something like this..

So I start off with a primer: I say to him, "My name is Carey".
Then, "What is my name?" the response we want from him is, "Carey". so he responds, echoing my name, "Carey"
For the scoring part of the discrete trial, I verbalize the cue-
"Hi Bob" (fake name)
in which we want him to respond, "Hi Carey"

well.. instead of restating my name..

me: "hi Bob"

him: "hi computer"

COMPUTER??? hahaha. Sometimes the greatest challenge is to keep a straight face during these trials and correct the child with a neutral tone of voice. But really.. computer?? Many responses are rote. When they aren't fully into the sesson, they will say anything that is in their plan. However, this just cracked me up.

I can pull off a good Interactive Voice Response..but I promise I don't sound like that in real life, hehe.:?

  • What else.. this week can slow down, as with every week there is a lot to accomplish for school. This class has me searching through old material as it incorporates many aspects of what I have learned so far.. although some stuff I have naturally forgotten. I'll be just fine. I just can't let it bog me down!

Maybe I will spend part of my evening at Paneras on the Blvd after work tomorrow. I dig the comfy booths and wifi access. Oh, and the minimized distractions that otherwise occur when I am at home.. not that I mind a few distractions here and there. Besides, they have good soup :)

  • The front porch is right outside my bedroom window. I have my window open. I hear something. My ferocious house gaurd-cat, Joey just jumped into the window to take a look (we all know he is all talk-at best, he can protect me from a rabid marshmellow, but not a hairy spider and definitely not some crazy lunatic!). I'm a little too chicken to go investigate it. If I close my eyes and bury my head under the pillow, will it go away, whatever it is??


Almost hump day.. have a good one!

~ Computer Carey :)


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Permalink: a_little_bit_of_this.html
Words: 856
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: choices

05/08/06 11:05 - 67ºF - ID#35932

down by the river

"Simply Superb"-- that was the comment that I received on my term paper. This is the paper where I was concerned that I missed the mark in regards how to approach the paper. I wrote about this recently- (e:theecarey,152) .At first I felt ill over this potential mishap, then I stepped back and thought about my choices. I calmed my mind with the thought that, "I chose to take this risk, and by following through on it, I must be comfortable with the consequences".

I could have written out a new paper (I am resourceful like that), while class was in session, then snuck the paper into the hand-in pile later on. I work well under pressure and could have pulled it off..but there was something drawing me to the risk involved with putting something out there that I created and the chosen approach seemed best for the information I was tackling.

In past experiences where I have made a choice- either choosing another form of deliverables (like this) or choosing not to hand something in on the deadline (for example, interview with people as part of a project were cancelled/delayed and I wanted to work on it more) as it would not have been reflective of my work, I have dealt with the consequences. Although not always pleasant, it felt right at the time. Yet I havent experienced anything terrible other than the grade for the project knocked down a few grades, or only partial credit-- yet it was all redeemed with the class end grade.

Perhaps it is my attitude. I don't play the victim.. or feel bad for myself when things aren't going as I want them to. I hold myself accountable for my behavior. I have the ability to make good choices, and when I don't, I use the experience as opportunity to learn from and move on.

When something happens that wasn't in some way by choice, there again, it is about attitude. How I react, what I do with the situation, what I take from it, is my choice. In some way or another, it is about choice and attitude.

Formative years were shakey. In short, I raised myself from the age of 9 on.. It was during this time that I could see that I could only hold myself responsible for my actions. My choices, for better or worse, were all my own...

So, I look at the "A" on my paper, with relief, with amusement and with satisfaction. Not so much because the professor approved of it,(as anything was possible) but because my choice of action was reinforced, I didn't die from it and I knew that regardless of the outcome, I wouldnt have changed a thing.


Now, shall we get on to the pictures? Sure we will..

The view point that these pictures were taken have been captured before, although at different times of the year. I am always in awe and thoroughly enjoy being outside. My default stomping grounds is anything in the village that I live. I am drawn to the river and lake almost on a daily basis. My intentions for the next few months are to explore new areas of this region...whether by foot, bike, boat, plane, train or horseback. There is a lot to do out there..


Guess where I am at?
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Lake Ontario- if you look closely, perhaps you can see what my camera failed to clearly capture.. the amazing Toronto sky line. On this day, I could see buildings for miles. I will capture an image to my liking sometime this year, in some way or another.

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One of many piers that I select from when in need of a quiet place to think, read, write, eat lunch. Sometimes, I have the area to myself. When I take late night walks through the village, I feel that it is all mine. I like that..
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View of the River. *sigh* I really want to be out on a boat.
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Nice view, eh?
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Like these boats. Anyone have a boat?? Although wooden planks tied together would suffice. I imagine laying on my back, drifting along the river on a hot sticky evening, feeling the ripples of water beneath me.
hmmm, I am up for some kayaking this summer as well; think I might need a lesson first, so I know how to get out if (when?) I flip over!
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The trail I almost wiped out on going down to the river. It is steeper than it looks in this picture and even steeper than it looks while scooting my rump down the hill; not enough traction, but still fun. Hikers and sneaks are on my shopping list (do I *have* to go shopping?)
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This next one must be included. I stole my neighbors kitten, well, borrowed the fur blob. He must think I am nuts. I turn to mush around most animals, even more so if they are of the fuzzy-baby variety. This kitten was no exception. I'm sure to have the same reaction to a llama. Yes, I am a big dork and took a picture... and an even bigger one for sharing. However, I know there are a few "animal-dorks" that will enjoy the pic as much as I. You know who you are.. haha

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I thought of posting super recent pics of myself, ha, but maybe another time..Please, no tears. :P

It is late already.. I'm heading out for a short walk before bed...

I will leave you with these quotes. I tend to be full of them!

"Look deep into nature, then you will understand everything better." ~Albert Einstein

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." ~Marcel Proust

Good night.. be safe.. take care.. be good to yourself.. and get outside!!

Carey
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Permalink: down_by_the_river.html
Words: 997
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: potpourri

05/07/06 01:18 - 47ºF - ID#35931

have your cake

Neither fully clothed nor naked did I run wild though the woods.

Instead, I rode my bike during the day. The sunshine was a surprise, as it was supposed to be grey and the day started out that way, but hurray, it all turned out okay, I must say, for this early in May.

I elected for a quiet weekend.. I just needed a day or so to decompress. Dinner with a few friends Friday evening was just right. I returned home and veged out until I passed out.

It was nice to get up early on a Saturday..it meant that I had the whole day ahead of me, as opposed to going to bed at 6am and sleeping the day away.

Yeh, it felt good to have some serious ME time. I talked about it all week. Co workers had asked me what my plans were for the weekend, and I replied excitedly, "I'm doing nothing!!"-- then they reply, "yeh, right.. we'll see what your story is come Monday". They love my weekend stories, hehe. I'm sure to have one or two before the weekend is officially through... adventure is everywhere :)

I have a few nature pictures from around the river and lake, and a few recent pictures taken of me as well. We'll see if I get around to posting any pictures...I had to load the pics into another computer and once I did that, I got side tracked into oranizing picture files and copying them to disks. That took longer than I thought..

I listened to Cake all day.. which is always delightful. I loaded every CD I have of theirs into my cd changer and spruced up da crib, er, apartment. "Sheeps go to heaven, goats go to hell" is my current user sound.

A sudden desire to head out into the night prompted me to take a walk. Around 10 or so, I took off deeper into the village.. everthing pretty quiet.. a perfectr time to think, breathe and unwind; even if I was lightly panting. I felt like I was gliding, more than walking with the brisk pace.

Good stuff.. later gators..
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Permalink: have_your_cake.html
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Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: reflection

04/30/06 09:41 - 64ºF - ID#35930

a bit of a Wild girl

If I was confident that I wouldn't completely pass out, I would sneak into Fort Niagara tonight and engage in a star-gazing session. There is a hill, in the middle of the soccer field that would be a perfect spot to throw down a blanket and just look up at the universe.

Once I have an idea in my head, I tend to perseverate on it unil I do it. I take a look every night from my front yard.. but something is drawing me to that hill. Now that I think about it, I did something similar, back in February. (e:theecarey,96)

I took a 'friend' on a late night jaunt through the village, eventually ending up in the Fort. There was just a little bit of snow falling, which helped provide the ability to see in the "closed after dusk" state park. After walking down to the beach, and treking throughout the park, I (only me) climbed up the hill and layed down in the snow.. looking up at the sky, seeing just a few dim stars and plenty of clouds. And I thought.. I need to come back to look at the stars. Funny, that my friend didn't care for this spontaneous adventure. So while there was someone (kinda) with me, it was singularly experienced.. and what an experience it was. I was tickled by it for days. Ahh, lessons learned.

I've fallen asleep plenty of times laying under the stars, although it was usually in the backyard as a kid...and no concern for getting up for work. Or when camping..

I love camping. Enjoying the warmth and glow of a bonfire, the smokey/earthy smells, the standard nightmare of a wild Carey-eating bear tearing through my tent, sub-par showers (if any), being lazy (as in, lay in grass and read a book from start to finish), hiking and eating strange concoctions...whatever food that can be mustered together. .or ordering a pizza to the site, just because you find out that they do that, lol.

I've gone during the summer, I loooove going in the fall, I really want to try it in the winter--ok, maybe not in a tent (but I would try it).. but a lone cabin in the middle of the woods during a snow storm. All I require is good company, a good book, a bottle of wine and gummie bears. :)

With the sunny, mild weather, more people have been out. I saw plenty of fishermen and boaters out this weekend. Getting on a boat is an absolute must this summer. The lake water was replete with waves. I think today would have constituted an ideal day for lake surfing. The waves were of considerable size and they kept rolling in.

The view of Toronto was clearer than I have ever seen it. I could see buildings/structures for miles. It had an eerie quality to it, as the shape of the building outline reminded me of stonehedge structures.. and it was just odd to see it so well, 30 miles across the water. There are plenty of days that I can see the main buildings with the light reflecting off the windows.. but this weekend.. seeing so much more totally changed the view of the horizon. My camera does not pick up any of it. However, I did take plenty of nature pictures. I need to be on my other computer to load them..Those will come soon.

A good weekend was had, although it wore me out. So, instead of going outside where I am sure to drift to sleep standing up yet alone laying down, I choose to crawl into bed with a school book, that I will read until I pass out (ok, thinking I won't make it past the dust jacket!). I wrap up this post like I wrap up the weekend.. plenty tired and easily amused...and ready to get back to work in the morning.

Have a good night, everyone.

Carey



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Permalink: a_bit_of_a_Wild_girl.html
Words: 666
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: nature

04/28/06 12:27 - 45ºF - ID#35929

wish upon a star

Yes.. another post.


Upon return home from school, I step out of my car and into the crisp night.

I breathe deep the refreshing air..

I never tire of the sounds of the night.. frogs and crickets..and whatever other creatures in the woods...

I don't want to go inside yet.. so I don't. Instead, I walk up and down my driveway, staring up at the stars, breathing, listening..

The clarity of everything in the night is amazing..

Its just.. amazing.. yeh..

When was the last time you looked up at the stars?


Good night..


ps.. new song
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Permalink: wish_upon_a_star.html
Words: 98
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: school

04/27/06 09:54 - 53ºF - ID#35928

wonderment

I am in class.

I sometimes (often) have trouble maintaining my focus on the lecture portion of the evening. The class runs 5 hours... after a full day at work.. and I often come to class early (yeh, yeh, say what you must).. it all makes for a very long day. Not that I would change a thing ;)

Well, except for the paper I wrote today.

22-23 pages. I'm neither gloating nor complaining. I am..

FREAKING OUT! (well, thats an over statement.. let me continue)

I think I may have "missed the marK" on it. I interpreted the expected deliverables in a manner that is different than what the instructor expects. UH OH.

I've been known to take "artistic licsense" in my writing, research and eventual end product. I take risks.. I know what I am writing about, it is well organized and it has a point, really.. :) In the past, my work has been regarded as exceptional.. for taking those risks.
So, its one thing to purposely take the paper another route, quite another that I would have missed it without awareness. What is that?? How did I miss that?

Initially I freaked. Well, I began to get a little warm, getting all itchy--am I breaking out in hives? nah.. just need to get in the shower once in awhile.. ;) (if you are wondering, I am kidding). So, I feel a little parched.. heart is beating a little faster..

When I gave myself a moment to reflect on my actions, it came down to that fact that I am not deterred by ramifications that others impose on me. Whether I was aware of it or not, I chose this route. I had begun the paper utilizing a particular frame work, then I abandoned it. I thought my new idea was better than the original idea. (I didn't know that my original idea of how to set up the paper is what the expectation actually turned out to be). I had the opportunity to pull together another paper, during class if I had to. The task seemed daunting as I would have to abandon the information I had previously researched and written. Yet it wasn't that that stopped me from rewriting the paper. I decided to go ahead and hand in my creation. Not sure how it will go.. but I don't care. My only regret is not putting in as much time and effort as I should have.

This isn't a snag.. its a "wrinkle in my universe" to learn from :) Taking chances is good for character. The positives outway the negatives in my world. I'm not worried about poor grades, or external influences. Only the internal ones, in which, I will not allow myself to procrastinate to this degree ever again.

Anyhow, I would never do failing work. If anything, I sometimes do not perform to my own expectations. It is my work, I am taking what I want/need from the course and I test authority/expectations. Usually to the betterment of myself..

not to be a jerk :)

yeh.. 'cause I am sooo mean. arrrr!! grrrr!!

Anyhow...now I am super curious as to what the instructor thinks about my written creation, haha.

OoooOOOooohh class is about over..

got to go!

be good, friends..
Carey
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Permalink: wonderment.html
Words: 547
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: potpourri

04/25/06 11:28 - 39ºF - ID#35927

I'll Stand by You and my yellow lab

Its so good to be back to work, although it will take awhile to get back into routine. Everything from sleeping, cooking, eating, cleaning, exercising has been off whille on break. I am working on the sleep schedule and trying to remember to eat and eat well. Cheerios and tuna doesn't cut it. I need to actually cook/prepare something. Everything else will fall into place within a few days.

I needed to clean my apartment.. and search for the missing spider-monster. It is still elusive.. bah Anyhow, I love the feeling of a freshly cleaned home. I lit some vanilla candles, added sandlewood oil to a diffuser, plugged in a set of patio lights (they were too nice to limit their use to outdoors in the summer), and set the iPod playlist to OAR and Morcheeba (oh, and a little Lords of Acid).

I did not attend to much school work today, other than working on an administrative problem (I am class rep for my program and do extra stuff as needed) . I will be doing all of the paper/project tomorrow after work. That is the only time I have to work on it.

This full time work-full time grad school- and class rep hat is making me feel a little fizzled. Partly because I am focused on the future and am concerned about my next step. I will be done in four months.. then what??? So instead of focusing my energy on class, I am burning out my thoughts on my impending time of transition. Now that I have written it and admitted this to myself, I can work harder at staying focused in the present.

So until tomorrow, I will rid myself of any substantial thought. I will just relax my mind, drink tea and allow myself to drift to sleep.

My deepest thought at the moment is this: Should I get bangs? lol.. yeh, I am actually asking about how to get my hair cut next. I told ya, nothing deep from here on out, tonight. So, on any given day it is long, wavy-curly-bed headish, parted down the middle or slightly to the side. Lightly layered/shaped for movement and remove heaviness. Sometimes I straighten it for a more polished look. Not sure how I came to wonder about bangs..

Oh and I want a PUPPY.. my biological dog clock is ticking or something.. I want a dog and I want one NOW. (I am not having children.. been planning on having a dog. Sounds like a good deal to me). This is what I have always wanted.. a yellow lab :)

image

It has come to my attention that I could have a dog of that size in my apartment. Now, its a matter of working on the landlord. I also have a lot to learn before I get a puppy.. but I really want one!!! NOW! :)

OK.. thats going to be it for now. Otherwise I delve into other, more substantial thoughts.. and this isn't allowed tonight.. besides, Im not up for writing three thousand words right now. ;)

So I end this with:

The lyrics to my user sound, which is, I'll Stand By You by The Pretenders. I like this song based on the lyrics. It has a nice sentiment... basically, you are there for that person no matter what..they are accepted as is, no matter what...

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you

I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Wont let nobody hurt you
Ill stand by you

Take Care
carey
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Permalink: I_ll_Stand_by_You_and_my_yellow_lab.html
Words: 807
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: friday

04/24/06 10:35 - 46ºF - ID#35926

Fast forward

Never too early to start thinking about the weekend:

Ideas??

here's one (e:vincent,35) brought to my attention:

Broadway Joes (3051 Main Street)
This Friday, April 28th
10pm
The Karma Policee www.myspace.com/tkpmusic





In other news..

ahh. Nope, got nuthin'

other than one or two ruminations..but, thats the standard operating procedure of my brain/heart


Proudly, I managed to do a little school work tonight. I had to send out a part of a group assignment, so atleast that much is done. Other school work is preparing a paper/project for a final due this week. This one has me nervous..


Off to do some late night tidying up before bed..

later peeps and sweet dreams!

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Permalink: Fast_forward.html
Words: 120
Location: Youngstown, NY


Category: freakishness

04/23/06 05:42 - 50ºF - ID#35925

itsy bitsy MONSTER

(delayed post due to computer issues..)


My fearless and fuzzy warrior, adventure seeker and Ferocious Bug (and marshmallow) Slayer. My Joe (Joseph, Joey, Jo Jo No Beans), the king of the apartment jungle...

When he is staring intently at something 30 feet away, I have learned to investigate, although occasionally to my great horror and distress...although, most often to my amusement (and occasional annoyance, "Joe, please don't pounce on my head at three am. My long tresses are not evil serpents of doom, really.")

This wasn't one of those amusing times.

"What are you looking at Joe?"

image

He's looking around, following something that I can't see, as lamps and curtains are in the way. But something is there, heavy breathing, licking its chops..

"Joe..?"
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"ok, Joe.. what is it..?"
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I was barely awake-- pretty much just rolled out of bed... so, rubbing my eyes, I go in to take a closer look..

OMG- Its HUGE! Kill it!! Kill it!!!!!!!!!

Ahh, its a giant, hairy, multi-legged fang baring monster lurking in my apartment. Staring, waiting..AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

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I get up on a chair, "EEK!".. no, that's not right..thats for mice. OK, I get up on a chair, to take a closer look at the hulking mutant. I'm scared silly but fascinated just the same.. Joe climbs onto the furniture and up onto his cat perch to try to see what *I* am going to do with the spider. "well, what are *you* gonna do about it, huh?"

Trying not to scare myself off the chair..


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(it was looking at me, sizing me up and down- I expected it to fling itself at my face)

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upon much closer inspection..
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  • shivers*

(found that spider on google, not on my ceiling)

so, I abandoned the spider, as there was no way I was going to mess with it. I was afraid hulking Big Momma spider would come out and kick my ass. So, Joe and I went and sat down on the floor next to the front door and relaxed for a few..

ahhhh, sunshine and fresh air..
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Permalink: itsy_bitsy_MONSTER.html
Words: 376
Location: Youngstown, NY


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mike said to grandma
I'm so glad you made it safely!...

mike said to grandma
I'm so glad you made it safely!...

joe said to grandma
OMG welcome!...

joe said to mike
New years resolution to top (e:strip)?...