on my lunch today I went into a local small discount store. I picked up some girly hair accessories for my middle neice. There was just one of two registers open at the time; this is typical of this store.The check out line was long, but no one really had much in their shopping baskets.

While standing in line, I overheard two geriatric ladies complaining about the line. They were loud and incredibly negative. Their words were like nails on a chalkboard. I desperatly wanted to say something, shoot them death looks or throw something at them. Instead of contributing to the negativity, I decided to keep it to myself.

Actually, I thought to myself- that I never want to be that miserable and punitive in my words or behavior. Spiteful, angry, mean little women they were. We all complain, whine and moan about a variety of things, but i know never to the extent or seriousness that these women carried it out to.

They demanded that the other register open. They complained about service. They skulked around the front of the store trying to find someone to serve them. All the while everyone in line had to listen to them.

I thought that I never want to be like that now or ever. When I get to that age in my life, I hope I have maintained a good disposition. If I were to ever be that way, I would know that Ive lived a day too long.

Just as I am finishing that thought, a voice behind me echoes the same sentiment. An older lady (possibly not far behind in age of the octo-ogres) observed that she can't ever imagine being as rude and miserable as they are. I looked at her and thought her to be interesting. We chatted as though we have known each other for ages. Occasionally I have a conversation like that. It took me by surprise because it has been awhile. A random connection and it was nice. She was well dressed and coiffed- I like to see that. My elder family members are very classy, trendy, worldly and smart. I truly forget what the numbers are. Age really isn't anything in the grand scheme of things. Hopefully your age demonstates wisdom and awarness. Use it to propel forward, not hold yourself back. Some people move on and make a better world with their existence, others stay suspended in one period of time. You know who they are.

So anyway, I thought this woman to be delightfully (and refreshingly) classy and sassy. Well spoken and relaxed, she told me pointedly that if she were to ever utter such nonsense that hopefully some one would stick a gun up her other end and pull the trigger. I swear she could have been reciting poetry the way she said such a crass thing with such class.
We had a good giggle and bantered for a few minutes. She then helped me place my items on the counter to be scanned. The cashier, having been abused by the little wrinkled snot bags, began to scan items on the counter that werent mine.

I stopped her and said that such and such items are not mine. She demanded, no kidding, "WHAT?! they're not?? then whose are they??"

I retort with a mix of humor and annoyance, "I am not sure whose they are, but I can tell you that they are not mine!"

She then, with obvious dismay, pulled the said mystery items out of the bag and took them off my bill. As though I should be grateful?

I glanced at my line waiting companion- we exchanged looks and giggled. I thanked her for making me smile and sharing a good laugh.

Not sure how many decades are between us, but in those few moments there werent any.

I sometimes wonder what that connection feeling is about. The kind where that sense stems from not what you were talking about but just the moment you are in.
I talk to a lot of people. I am ofetn engaged in some sort of conversation no matter where I am at. People just manage to find me. *everywhere*

Sometimes the encounters feel generic and then there are those encounters that have a different, interesting quality to them. On most of these occasions my perception is tweaked- where I find myself contemplating it later.

I don't figure out any answers.. I just end up with more questions..





other random bits to the day:

• mondays suck. I think I said that last week-- just thought I wouold reitterate my point.

• my car goes in for a tune-up tomorrow. I got this squared away before I left work. I needed to figure out if I needed to stay in Y-Town or if I could go back to B-Lo as I had intended. Glad to have grabbed my book off my night stand, as I suddenly found myself having to stay in Y-town. Glad to get my car in though. Car running on 5 cyls makes for REALLY BAD gas mileage.

• I still havent gotton around to filling out christmas cards :(

• what are the rules of the Secret Santa? Is there a monetary limit or minimum? This will be fun :)

• and.. are we going to get snow anytime soon?

Earlier I wacked my little crooked pinky finger- don't recall exactly how I did it-- but it got cut and bruised. Bruised! It takes a lot for me to bruise, so i must have got it pretty hard. It is directly on the knuckle, ouchy!


I still havent gone down to my basement yet. I would have if it had been still light outside when I needed to go down there. Even though I can turn on lights and stuff, I am still super creeped out. It is like there are monsters under my bed.. and boogy men in my closet and EVIL CLOWNS, MONKIES AND BABIES in my basement!!!!!!!!!!

or not.

OR mayber there is..

SO I grabbbed some clothes before heading back into B-Lo. I had everything I needed except for socks. I had lots of socks inthe basement, where all of my clean clothes are.

I was not going down there, when its dark outside and my imagination is running rampant.

so I left the apartment without socks,

and I stopped at Target and bought two nice pairs of black dress socks.


My imagination may keep me from going into my basement, but it wont keep me from keeping my tootsies warms.


AH, WHile I was there.. I keep forgetting to buy a blush brush.

My cat Joe is fascinated with blush brushes. I may have mentioned this once or ten times before. He has managed to steal quite a few throughout his existence. He occasionally receives them now as gifts. Traditional cat toys? not him. SO over the weekend, I washed my large nice one- and I put it up and away and did not think he would be able to get to it-- or even know to look for it.

but he found it.

and now it is gone-- can't find it anywhere-- and its a long handled floofy brush.

booger. I better hope my fresh pink cheeked complexion returns by morning. I continue to feel better, btw-- still had not tuned into anything.If I begin to feel sick at work again and get progressively worse by the weeks end (like last weeks progression), then I will have to wonder if I am not just sick of work ;)

work allergies, thats real, right?

Phantom Rings in the Dark: reach out and touch someone

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

CHeck this out:
The power was out in Youngstown yesterday. It flickered on and off for a couple of hours, then while I am in the Red Room* blow-drying the plastic on the window (we better have a damn cold window after all this effort!!!) the lights went out. Image of girl standing at window in complete darkness with blowdrier in hand flashed through my mind.

• super cozy room in my apartment with comfy furniture, fireplace, ambiance and a great big red wall. love it. you love it too!

Through my window I was looking out of, all of the neighbors have holiday lights- so when the power went out, the blanket of darkness through my apartment and the Village was defined. I had a couple of candles lit in another room already, so I worked my way through the apartment by their glow. The power continued to stay off so I located my flashlight and proceeded to clean up my mess and put away cords. I knew it wouldnt be long before I began tripping over everything and try to 'flick' the power switches to their on position.

Boredom quickly set in.

Tossing a log in the fireplace and relaxing to the flames could have been a nice diversion-- but I was far from ready to settle down for the evening.

Back up:
Earlier in the day I made a run to the hardware store to buy remaining weatherstripping needed for a drafty door. I also purchased a phone cord for a regular corded phone in the event of a power outage. Weird timing, huh? My cordless phones suck (SUCK!) and I knew I had a regular phone somewhere that I had been tempted to start using (we'll see how long that lasts- keep me bound to one spot? heh). Also, cordless phones do not work when the power goes out. Cellphones not so reliable at that point either. Cellphones in Youngstown with power out even less so. Hello Canada. So I bought a 25' cord. And I made my way down to the basement where I knew I had a phone, that I bought for the basement when I first moved in three years ago. Three years, two months, 15 days.

It had been collecting dust for three years, as the phone line down stairs never worked. I concluded that that line may have been a secondary or business line (as the rooms looked like an office). I just kept it there, so I would always know where it was if I needed it. Totally logical, totally worked for me.

Well, I needed it last night. I knew where to find it. Found it. It was still plugged in. I went to pick up the phone, which it came off the receiver-- and I heard a little girl laughing. WHAT?!

ok, creepy. CREEPY!

i am in the very dark basement, by myelf, I pick up an old dusty phone from what I had pereived to have always been a *dead* line, --and I hear a little girl giggling. GUH!

goosebumps..

I think I would have lost it, if another voice hadn't appeared. Not that hearing another voice should be comforting, but anything would be better than little girl giggles among static. ick.

I put my ear to the phone and listened. The convo was extremely clear-A lady was asking a guy if he had power-- which he did. She said that Y-town has been in the dark for over an hour, etc. She was the one that made the call, and she was as clear as if I had picked up another phone in her home. He sounded further away. So what is this all about??

I am completely confused- this is not coming off of my line-

so I listen for a few more seconds until I feel a bit dirty listening in- not that what they were talking about was at all scandalous (damn my luck!). I should have said something.. so I would know if they heard me. Actually, if I had my wits about me, I would have been a bit witty and said something or made some sort of sound to mess with them (damn my scaredy cat-ness!) Maybe they heard the phone set down. Or maybe not.


Is this a live/active line? Did I just pick up a conversation or is this really someones phone line? I will try it out today.. Maybe it wont even register unless it is being actively used by someone at that time that I try. hMMmmmmm...

what is weird, is that although the other apartment and mine are very solid- sounds rarely come through, except for sound sin the basement. I think the accoustics in the basement must come up weird. We have completely separate basements- separate doors, separate everything. Mine has multiple rooms, the other one is a big open space. Both are cool- and totally live-able. Basements creep me out-- but these are ones you could live in. So anyway, the sounds that occur in the basement, regarless of what side, sometimes sound like they are right below me. OR MAYBE THEY ARE! I am a scaredy cat- I can think of these things in the day light, and I will delude myself into thinking that the noises below me are cming from the otherside. But now with this, I do not know. I have to think about that one more (while its still safe and daylight)

I had thought I had heard a phone ringing in my basement before. And I figured it to be the neighbors phone. The sound of the phone ringing is occasional. Come to think of it, I have been in my neighbors apartment, and I think he only has a cell phone.. mmmm MYSTERY!

so I have a phantom phone, or that dead line is really alive and I am about to make some international phone calls WOOOOOOO!

um, who should i call?

I really need to investigate this further-- it kinda freaks me out, though. i really hate basements. even mine. especially mine, now.

Any ideas, thoughts, comments regarding my Mystery Phone?



Continuing on the Communication theme..

Found myself suddenly "on call" this weekend and all of next week. For those who have been around me in past 'on call' weeks, I check the phone constantly (under minimal circumstance can the call reach a voice mail--expected to be answered immediately, naturally), I carry a work-binder and am generally ill at ease. over 350 families, 100 staff and anyone else could call at any time in some sort of situation.
So I don't drink, stay up late or put myself in noisy situations (the vibrate option sucks). I am "working" 24-7 for a week or more per month.

let me say, my social life bites at this point- atleast when it comes to the loud debauchary sort of social activities :)

• Damn 46 oz margaritas look fan-fuckin'-tastic (congrats on end of semester (e:brit) !)
  
• and OPM lounge sounded great too. gah! me like to dance!

I consoled myself in the knowledge that I should relax so I don't get really sick. I have been hanging delicately to the healthy me. Fortunately it has all been more in my favor- although I have felt not quite right since last friday. And I did take a day off from work to 'get better" since I had slight fever Thurs-- but it ended. Friday was fatigue and a headache and a bit sneezy-- but it is generally feeling gone again. Today I am feeling pretty great-- SO I am doing something right--i usually don't get full on sick. my immune system kicks ass! I am thinking it will pass it again, as long as I treat myself ok.

but oh, abuse in the form of 46 oz margaritas sounds sublime..

I wouldnt care if it werent for the holidays coming up!

so anyway, I was tossed the on-call phone and binder on Thursday morning, 4 days ahead of schedule. I wanted to make a comment,to freak out- but decided that nothing good would come out of my mouth and that I will be more selective in my battles. I just didn't feel like getting worked up over it, even though its 4 DAYS extra and I WASNT EVEN ASKED- not even out of politness. If I had major plans, then oh yes, everyone would hear about it. indeed. Just tossed on my work desk with a note.

Oh, the "note" left for me regarding it irked me too. tacky- gah!


and one more on the communication front:
mad-cute guy I met quite awhile back has become clingy. Phones messages are becoming sappy/whiny. He is hotty hot cute- yet there isn't much backing it up at this point, like nothing we can relate on at all, so I am bored now. ho-hum. I know better than this.

distraction over. next?


and finally:

I might just get out and do some Christmas shopping today. I do not want to leave the house-- just chill and do some apartment maintenance stuff- and read and write out christmas cards, ect.. totally digging the house projects.

I really am in the mood for christmas cards. I need your addresses so I can stalk you send a card. hehe! Seriously, leave a post it. I can't believe how mnay peeps addys I do not know, even though I have been over. I could do some super sleuth drive bys. crazy!! Some I already know, as long as I don't invert the house numbers ( (e:leetee) )- and it goes somewhere so very different, ha! Some I ofcourse know where you live, but have no idea the actual address. Until recently I didn't even know dana's adrress. and (e:ldaycroft) you'll get one sent to your parents if I don't know your address!! :)

but what is making me eager to go shopping (SHHH I DID NOT JUST SAY THAT) is that I want to see wrapped gifts under my tree. (e:pyrcedgrrl) has lots of gifts under her tree (a good percentage for ME ME ME right?!) and it looks pretty. sparkly. christmasy.

and since I am trying to get into the holiday mood-- this may actually help.

oh and I have a slew of last years gift cards to use-- so while I am buying for others, I will finally buy for me :) I have immediate tangible reinforcers built into this plan. especially since it is a saturday-- getting very close to christmas.

AND I thought while i am out, I can grab cookie making ingredients. First i need to find recipes- with pictures. (Yes i need pictures, shut up.)

anyone who wants to make cookies this evening, come on over.

or maybe I will go out anways, on call phone and binder in tow.

I do not know. gah! But I need some socializing before I start hoping for more phantom phone calls.


OOOOOH LOOK:

maybe I will do THAT. Now that might be wicked cool-- then have some hot cocoa afterwards-- sans Baileys :(

hehe, or maybe just a wee little..





b tw, new user song, The Fray- How to Save a Life.

nice sound, I am digging them at the moment.

My hopes were shattered.. (e:joshua) , I went to Timmy HOs today and I DID NOT get a key chain. I did however, get a medium black coffee and also splurged on a small "buttercaramel smoothee" (hot sugar water). Extreme ends of the flavor spectrum.. gave me the boost I needed to get through the day.

been sleeping (almost) 10 hours (a night for the past few nights).. still not quite feeling right..

feel achy tonight. slight fever now too.

Damn germs are evrywhere!!! Maybe I can fend it off for good-- more sleep, rest and no craziness, if I can help it. Might need to just bury myself under the covers for a couple of days. I am actually calling in sick. That just feels soooooo weird. I do not like it. I was going to wait until the morning, but I know I would just get up and go to work.. and I would get through the day.. and continue to wear myself out and perpetuate the feel slightly better/feel a whole lot worse cycle.

And I feel mentally bad too. icky

I eat more when I am icky feeling. I think it is some attempt to boost happy neurtransmitters. Like all week, its insane

Ever stop and have this fear that all that you are, all that you believe yourself to be, all that you think you can do and will do is ALL ONE BIG FAT LIE?

Like if you stop and really contemplate the gravity of such a thought, then you know your world could very much come crumbling down around you?

that thought crossed my mind two days ago, and I have been perseverating on it ever since. Not so much a good thing- -yet good in other ways.

I don't feel like being positive right now. Fever is good for me. But i have so mcuh to get right, to fix, to figure out, to let go and to go after..

once the whirling stops, I have to focus, find direction and meaning- -and some semblance of having control again. I let it spin away from me. bad me.

I feel like flat pop.

but just for now.

fever is talking.
going to sleep myself better. (e:vincent) it really was a perfect night for a walk.. I just got your message-- phone was on silent :(

Not sure if I can recall the last time I bought a CD. Other than an occasional splurge from Record Theater..

Not sure if BMG counts.

I had subscribed to them on and off since being in highschool. The last time may have been 3-4 years ago. Back then I opted out of receiving the 'music card' in the mail (the one you had to return or they sent you a CD..) and instead get junk email from them.

Well, I decided recently to check out their site. I managed to remember my log in information and found out that I had a slew of unused music points- 5 cds worth. I decided that the 2.49 shipping per cd was worth checking out their inventory. So 5 randomm cds and 15.00 later.. I have extended my CD collection.

Mark Minkowski (conductor) Mozart Jupitor Symphonies #40, 41. Les Musiciens Du Louvre

Camille (french artist) French punk rock. "a distinctive voice that's both delicate and a tad deranged." Havent listened to it yet..

Music for Dreaming- a mixed Cd- Mozert. pachelbel, Bach, Grieg,Mendelssohn, Massenet, etc

I don't remember what the other two are.. I am thinking something in the trance--techno genre and perhaps some Harry Connick Jr.

My access to Limewire has been screwy lately, so not much downloading going on.


Christmas is less than two weeks away..

Christmas cookies are evil. I can not resist their tempation. Hell, I rarely resist my temptations of any sort.. but cookies, I will eat them until I am sick. So I may or may not get baking soon, if at all.

yeh, maybe I will.


might not fit through the door after its all over..

but thats what some major XC skiing will take care of!!!

woo-- I can't hardly wait!


and a few cartoons to enjoy:

• snicker*

Monday is over.

Mondays are bummer because they can't feel like any other day of the week. They certainly don't feel like Sundays (assuming a M-F job) and if it felt like any other day of the week, that would be depressing, since, well it is only Monday.

I have Emergency Response Training tomorrow. I am beginning my training as first responder of the sort. Little bit more than your CPR/First Aid stuff. I'll have to carry a pager now. ew.

I like having responsibility in the fact that it forces me to learn and be on top of new things.

I like to be in control. The kind of control that allows me to be able to make decisions, act on them and carry them out with confidence. I do not mean the 'my way or highway' kind of control. I have no problem with someone taking lead on something. Go with your strengths and balance out the weakness. I just don't ever want to feel helpless. So I can totally step back and allow someone to take over-- but I need to be able to have the skills to step up as well.

So this additional responsibility just adds to my repertoire.

but it takes away from the time I have to do my other duties..

Boss asked me if I thought that the multiple programs are structurally sound. If perhaps how they are structured and layered should be re evaluated. I nod my head. I can tell you all about it dear boss...I really should get into the consulting business..

or continue to work like mad on my own.

Found out my boss needs to take a 6 week leave, starting in january. I had pegged this time frame for one that would surface a more schedule friendly job- and one closer to home (either home). Now I will need to delay my personal interest for the greater good. I could not take off while she is gone. There is too much at stake too much going on-- too much that will hang in a delicate balance. Damn my morals and sense of responsibility!!

I am doing good stuff-- it is nice to see efforts come to fruition. Morale is increasig and people both internal and external to the company are happy- for now. I love having the high level responsibilities--

but I don't love the day to day detail and annoyances. Where many of the problems I just don't care. I see them getting old, quick.I need to love it again. I have always been fortunate in my ability to love my job. I only moved on once the learning stopped..

When I love something, I put my all into it. There is no turning back as my perseverence, energy and passion keep me going strong..

..not sure how much of any of that I have. Just continuing to be honest with myself.

I also miss the comradery. I didn't realize how much I had fun with my coworkers of jobs past until this one. I share a great proffesional rapport with people now. But it is with my staff that I get the best energy and shared laughs. There is a sense of humor and a "we'll get through this despite it all" .

I hate being in the middle of "them" and "us" --I am not sure which one I am.

ahhh, so I am done with the freaking out anxiety stage. It is all good from here on out. I will continue to make observations and reflections, but it is no longer under the whining/trying to figure out what the hells wrong category of writing/talking/thinking.

They know I wont back down on what I find important.

and I know I wont back down on what I have figured out about myself.

Onward and upward.

peace.

omg I am tired. Tried to go to bed around 5:30am- but found myself unable to sleep--the clock was ticking off minutes closer to 6:30 when i finally dozed off. Got up at 9:45am and cleaned myself up and then tackled the mess. I should have taken a post-party picture!


I was well humored last night- thanks (e:enknot) !

From what I recall, I did a lot of running..

• Running to people I havent seen in awhile and away from others (just being silly)

• Running to my room a few times- for good conversation, for research (I couldn't refrain myself) and for fresh air--cigarettes are gross. I know it wasnt any of you peeps who were smoking, hmmmm? I know you all read the stories from doctor jenks. Dont smoke- you don't want your jaw chopped off! (love the gross-cool stories, btw)

Great catching up on everything, (e:ladycroft) ! Lots of laughs and the fun that I am used to having- ha!

• Running up and down all of the stairs in the Mansion to find the source of burning plastic smell. Wasnt sure if I was imagining things- so I kept at it until it was figured out-- with help of (e:paul) . I would hate to have had found a fire!-- would have really hated to have had to call the Buffalo Fire Department..MMmmmmm yummy.. ;)

• Running (ok, jogging, skipping, walking) to NY Pizza. It suddenly seemed like a good idea. Boo to being carded at Frizzies. I knew I should have grabbed my ID. Pink was too far away after a drunken run/walk/skip/jog in the cold for pizza. At the Pink you never (rarely) need your card-- you just need to look atleast 12.

btw, shopping carts do not make for successful transportation.

• Running away from the papparazzi Peterazzi --hehe! You do a great job of getting pics of the parties from beginning to end- I just cringe when i see the ones of me! :) I forgot about the banner- so cool that you got a picture of that!! You need your own special party picture blog called The Peterazzi ;)

• Running in front of/jumping into pictures for the Peterazzi. Say what?!?! --when you are buzzed nothing you do needs to actually make any sense..

It had been a long while since I had a drink- or more than one. My grand total was a measly 4 drinks over the course of 5 hours- but it got the job done. Cappuchino with a splash of rum, a can of Sparks that (e:ladycroft) shared with me, and two other rum/coke drinks. Wonder what the coke to rum ratio was? I was thrilled to be feeling much better than what I had on Thursday night/Friday. It never went past being super tired/dizzy-which was enough, but it could have turned into something more. Heck, after last night it just might. Better get back to those Airborne tablets pronto.


I did a tiny bit of Christmas shopping this afternoon. Then I came home to Youngstown and vegged infront of the tv to movie on HBO- "something the lord made" a a fact based drama about the pioneering of heart surgery.

synopsis (this movie moved me):
    

SOMETHING THE LORD MADE is a moving story of men who defy the rules and start a medical revolution. Their patients are known as the "blue babies" - infants suffering from a congenital heart defect that turns them blue as they slowly suffocate.

Alfred Blalock (Alan Rickman) and Vivien Thomas (Mos Def) make a brilliant team. But even as they race against time to save one particular baby, the two occupy different places in society. Blalock is the white, wealthy head of surgery at Johns Hopkins Hospital. Thomas is black and poor, a skilled carpenter whose dream of going to college and becoming a doctor was ruined by the Great Depression, although he was naturally gifted with the intuition and dexterity of a great surgeon.

Even as they save lives and invent a whole new field of medicine, social pressures threaten to tear them apart. Ultimately, however, Thomas finds his dreams coming true in unexpected ways.

After that, I put a log on the fire and fell asleep for two hours. Very nice!

It was a nice weekend- in many many ways. I hate to see it over already...


Anyway, I am curious about other pictures that will eventually surface on here. I hope everyone is doing well. Again, Happy 30ish Birthday, birthday boy!

the wind is freaking me out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you hear it??

I made sure to put all of my storm widnows down. I could see one curtain moving--and realized that the window wasnt latched so that didn't help. Now its good.

I made a curtain for my kitchen window. It has frogs on it.

I have some plastic to put up soon.. I don't trust my abilities in this task. I know something will get plastic on it, hopefully it makes it onto the windows and stays up.

Is it getting warmer out there? Is that why its crazy windy? yikes!

Last I looked it was a clear night-- lots of stars. and cold. brrrrrr

Oooh, I finished putting out Christmas decorations. It had been two years since I did anything Christmas decorating-wise. Before that, it was only on occasion. In the past, i have put up decorations only to take them down a day or so later!!-- not being fully satisfied with the results. I am much better at keeping it for the duration of the holiday. I have also chilled out a lot in the past 5 years. Now I feel a little too laid back at times. Anyway, i am glad I put the tree up and a few other decorations-- perhaps it will help put me in the mood. i should start shopping-- instead of waiting till Christmas weekend. I am just trying to do things different in every aspect this year...

I made myself stay in this evening as I, well, had nowhere to go. haha. Actually, still feeling icky (but not worse than yesterday) I left work an hour early to come home to crash. I was getting so crazy silly at work that I needed to leave. Well that and the dizziness. Not sure if it was the mega dosing of Airborne tablets or just the way I get sometimes when I am sick-- but I had this manic energy. heh, maybe I am entering into a manic stage-- that would be nice. I get soooo much accomplished!

So I didn't exactly crash when I came home-- but it was good to be home a little bit earlier than usual. I am laying low to make sure I don't get sick. I think by tomorrow I should be much better *hopes*

onto other news:
Freak-o Stalker guy callled me. I had just thought yesterday that I had not heard from him in what seemed like a long time. I check my answering machine today, and there was a non-message/hang up. So I check the caller ID. It was him. Thats his calling card-- the never leaving a message. guh! I don't answer and tell him to f*@# off because that will just encourage him--I know, I have tried...

thinking about bundling up and taking myself and my camera on an excursion tomorrow. Depends on how I feel. Might just have to be a lazy ass. or if I am crazy-silly manic, I need to take full advantage of that too :)

Time to take my night time Airborne and get some more sleep. I just read (e:libertad) 's post about having some tea--you must get the Yogi!!! Now I want a cup of that myself. Not sure if I should combine that with the AIrborne, though.

see ya later, peeps!

they are everywhere.. anyone not sick yet?

omg its cold out there!

I have a ton of garbage to take out to the road.

I don't want to!!

I think I am coming down with something. Everyone is sick. I have been delerious all day-- my eyes feel like they have been crying, my head is aching and I really just want to sleep-- but can't yet.

gotta get that garbage out. booooooo.

Been chugging Airborne all day. I think its expired.

I am seriously goofy on top of it all. I think that is what got me through the work day..

soooo tempted to call in for tomorrow-- but I wont. I would have to be feeling a whole lot shittier than I do..

all this might affect my partying ability.. not sure. Again, boo.


brrrrrrrrr need to warm up. The cold I can do-- but windy cold-- and feeling icky--not so much fun.

Ok, soup, tea, garbage, puttering, more tea, curl up in bed to a movie and/or play Sudoku, my current obsession.

Then dreams.

Nice..

My realization of the day: I think I need acrush- crushes are fun, and other distractions.

oh, and-- I want to be able to wear pig-tails to work. I miss that.
Stay warm peeps!

Not much has changed since yesterday- I still hate my schedule. So much I want to do and not enough time, balance or energy to pursue. So I know I have to work harder work smarter at getting things to be the way I want them. Thats me. I need to find better alignment-- and that will happen, with time and process. However, I need to make sure not too much time goes by-- it is easy to get comfortable and allow for things to pass by. With this schedule and constraints, I would hate for life to pass by. I am currently uncomfortable, because there is stong pyschological dissonance, and I am fighting the urge to give in- to accept what is and go with it. It would be easier, yes? But that isn't me. So I will continue to do a damn good job, build morale and do as much moving and shaking that I can do w/o being fired, but then once things are up and running and I have identified a successor, then I know, without a doubt, my job is done.

While I go through all of that, I plan my next move. I have a few avenues that I can take if I so desire. Due to my wacked schedule, time is essential. I visualize what I want-- and begin to make it happen. Ive been stuck for a few months--creativity stalled (see.. i was afraid of creative amputation through forced regimented thinking and regulation adherences)--but I have been trying to kick start the process again. Have been using brainstorming as a mental and creative warm up. I always encourage people to dream big-- then use the energy and identified goals to make it happen..

I had mentioned in my last post that my dreams would be my repreive. It may have been more true than I intended. As I dozed off last night, my residual thoughts formed a great idea, brilliant maybe*. Just something that I needed to get me energized. It was kind of eureka moment. One that I forced myself to wake up and go write it down for fear of forgetting. The remainder of the night was spent further formulating the logistics surounding the idea. My brain was busy thinking all of this through while I was alseep. It was active enough to where I felt tired all day. Or maybe I am catching a cold-- lots of germs and sickness these past few days.

Anyway, I kept thinking about it all day and I could feel the smile on my face at times- it definitely put a bounce in my step.

I feel closer to where I need to be than I have in awhile- all i needed was something to mentally grasp and work towards. Just need to lay out the details.. and bring it to fruition.

I need to go to bed early tonight. If it is germs-- then good sleep and a dose of Airborne is required.

btw, I had a haircut on Saturday. The last few haircuts I mentioned in here and it has since helped me to remember to go get trims- very helpful.

• I am vague about job and future endeavors for paranoid reasons,lol.

So I write mostly to get some residual crap off my mind.