07/27/08 02:26 - 76ºF - ID#45165
Update in Anger...
What the hell is wrong with women?
But ill get back to that.
A year of imagery swims by, like a deluge of events:
It goes from the last post to this, in these flashes- Bike riding with people mid-last summer and then deciding to ride on my own in the end, moving in with my pal Hip (with enknot and I believe another estripper helping us!), Last years Dionysian Celebratory (Which I still have pics of), working for the man, great party at our place, more working for the man, a not so great party at our place, meeting someone special (?), pissing in the mans face (Which I Also have pics of), going freelance, losing health insurance, making much more money, getting ill, getting a new job working for a younger version of the man, moving in with this someone (special?), being called a tool daily (co-workers, no less), apartment limbo, a nervous break here, a nervous break there, and last night.
Man, I can have some bad days with the rest of em- and I have been damned moody lately. This wasn't so life shattering or altering- but it made me see a part of her I was trying very hard to ignore all this time.
Alcohol makes people do a lot of mean things, and some people just get mean drunk to begin with, but I am highly sensitive to being disregarded. On more than one occasion, at a party filled with drunk (older) people I have had little to no encounters with, I was left alone with no-one to talk to. The entirety of the evening my choices were either to stand by her side like a doggie, be antisocial and uncool with my laptop inside the house to avoid everyone, go for walks alone to take pictures, swim, or be social. Well, I did all these things (despite my non-proclivity to being social with people I know nothing about).
The whole time I felt like I was getting this weird attitude from her, and it was almost always exemplified in how she treated me or regarded me: she was suffering me, wanted little to do with me, and cared little for about how I felt or what I was going through. Now some of you out there might have social anxiety issues- I was diagnosed on so many levels with so many issues that I "should" be taking medicine for (they made me sick, in many ways) but don't, from choice. The whole fucked up part about it, she is going to school to help people like me, who have these problems.
All I wanted was to feel welcome. All I needed for that was for her simply to handle me with some kid gloves and make me feel cared for in a situation where I may have needed some you know, backup.
Instead as is generally so, I was expected to collapse when she decided to turn the fan off last night as I was sweating balls so she could hear the fucking crickets. I spazed. The only thought left in my mind was to get away from her as fast as possible. Strangely, I realize how much has been let go as far as my issues are concerned just to simplify the relationship... and avoid haggling and arguments. This culminates in a torrent of resentment which apparently has been suppressed. She says for me to take her car, so I go.
Next day, today. She Drives me crazy. I go all the fuck the way out there, and spend another 1.5-2 hours driving, just to pick up my glasses and swimming trunks. She wants to stay and is angry at me for having a hissy fit in front of her friends and leaving. I argue with her on the phone for half the ride home... and she still could care less about how she made and is making me feel.
So what the fuck should I do? i feel horribly disregarded and shit upon, even if it isn't for this particular event. She always asks me to give her examples, but how do you give an example of an attitude? I'm not the karma bank and trust, i don't keep score of these things- I'm off the cuff, I shoot from the hip. The only thing that ever mattered to me the most was always the present, I'm supposed to let things go. Apparently Im not, however... what am I supposed to do about things I can't remember? I still feel the way I do, but have no grounds to justify it to her...
07/05/07 12:18 - 66ºF - ID#39918
what the hell is wrong with women?
"hey, i don't feel like hanging out"
"hey, im not going to be able to make it"
"hey, this just isn't going to work"
and here the typical stereotype is that men never show enough concern for plans/emotions/commitment.
i swear to god, as far as romance and gender roles are concerned, more and more im beginning to believe the proverbial tables have been turned.
on another note, i have met somone... and she is gorgeous. but, for some reason, i cannot get the last one out of my head(heart?). i don't know what to do, because she could be soo much better for me, but im just not feeling as into her as the other (previous) one. i seem to have little in common with her comparitivley to the last girl, who was by all means, save reciprocation, my dreammate.
its been more than three weeks. when somone asks for space, generally they don't mean 4+ weeks. she still hasn't deleted me from her myspace profile, but has ignored the few attempts i made to reach her to at least get some form of closure.
i don't want to hurt this new one, but i don't want this previous mess to tangle me up, either. i want to be able to move on and try somethin with somone, and why not with her (new girl)? she is gorgeous, and i mean that, but she dosent interest me as much (or quickly?) as the other. maybe its just because we didn't fuck within the first 4 hours of meeting each other like i did with the last one. i feel like my heart is constantly being put through a rock tumbler.
maybe if im lucky it will come out all smooth, polished, and pretty. hopefully somone might be able to ignore the fact that despite its brilliant veneer it has gone cold and hard...
06/27/07 08:26 - 79ºF - ID#39832
expenses are rough right now, but im willing to see what i can throw together for alcohol depending on your preferences. maybe even dinner when its all said and done.
anyone up for a moving party?
06/24/07 04:32 - 82ºF - ID#39794
to boot, i work with a bunch of evil, catty women. in fact, almost every person i work with is female, and i really don't get too many positive impressions from them about the entire feminine gender- as they are all uncareing, vougue reading, view watching, husband-hunting, pieces of mass-media trash. what has happened to women in the past 6 years? it seems to me like they have all changed, become careless and caustic, with no regard for anything other than instant pleasure and gratification. to be honest, women are reminding me more and more of the typical MALE stereotype, and men- the other way around. i don't watch television or read any media, so what the hell is going on in america?! i don't understand women like i used to... and i didn't really get them to begin with. i really am beginning to feel like mass media has changed the demands of the gender roles in the past few years.
all that said, im going to apologize to the individual ladies who may not represent these "qualities" and in a twofold manuver, ask for you to stand up and take a shot at proving me wrong. godz know i need some positive impressions, right now. being a curmudgeon will not ever help me meet that special "somone".
oh yeah, and im a pacifist. i could never resort to physical violence, let alone murder. lets just say my words can kill and leave it at that.
06/23/07 03:04 - 53ºF - ID#39778
for the ladies...
i would like to think that women are all individuals, but im beginning to see base character traits among all of them, and it seriously disgusts me. petty, greedy, shallow, calloused, and unflinchingly manipulative- i see it every day in just about any way a woman regards a man. we are cattle to them, worker drones. all of us are replaceable by somone thinner, more attractive, more wealthy, popular, or just plain more anything. i simpley cannot trust the bond of a woman, anymore. genetics simply place their concerns with security over that of either emotion or social regard.
im sorry, im sure you are all great on an individual basis, but as a whole, you are deceitful, hurtful, plotting creatures whos only concern is hooking up with somone you can show off to the rest of your catty, fucked up little population of breeders.
maybe ill just get lucky and it will only be the women in buffalo.
hell, who am i kidding.
feel free to send me hate comments to perpetuate my new paradigm.
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