mobileCategory: venting
07/27/08 02:26 - ID#45165
Update in Anger...
So its been a little over a year, and all i want to say is:
What the hell is wrong with women?
But ill get back to that.
-Flashback-
A year of imagery swims by, like a deluge of events:
It goes from the last post to this, in these flashes- Bike riding with people mid-last summer and then deciding to ride on my own in the end, moving in with my pal Hip (with enknot and I believe another estripper helping us!), Last years Dionysian Celebratory (Which I still have pics of), working for the man, great party at our place, more working for the man, a not so great party at our place, meeting someone special (?), pissing in the mans face (Which I Also have pics of), going freelance, losing health insurance, making much more money, getting ill, getting a new job working for a younger version of the man, moving in with this someone (special?), being called a tool daily (co-workers, no less), apartment limbo, a nervous break here, a nervous break there, and last night.
-Flash forward-
Man, I can have some bad days with the rest of em- and I have been damned moody lately. This wasn't so life shattering or altering- but it made me see a part of her I was trying very hard to ignore all this time.
Alcohol makes people do a lot of mean things, and some people just get mean drunk to begin with, but I am highly sensitive to being disregarded. On more than one occasion, at a party filled with drunk (older) people I have had little to no encounters with, I was left alone with no-one to talk to. The entirety of the evening my choices were either to stand by her side like a doggie, be antisocial and uncool with my laptop inside the house to avoid everyone, go for walks alone to take pictures, swim, or be social. Well, I did all these things (despite my non-proclivity to being social with people I know nothing about).
The whole time I felt like I was getting this weird attitude from her, and it was almost always exemplified in how she treated me or regarded me: she was suffering me, wanted little to do with me, and cared little for about how I felt or what I was going through. Now some of you out there might have social anxiety issues- I was diagnosed on so many levels with so many issues that I "should" be taking medicine for (they made me sick, in many ways) but don't, from choice. The whole fucked up part about it, she is going to school to help people like me, who have these problems.
All I wanted was to feel welcome. All I needed for that was for her simply to handle me with some kid gloves and make me feel cared for in a situation where I may have needed some you know, backup.
Instead as is generally so, I was expected to collapse when she decided to turn the fan off last night as I was sweating balls so she could hear the fucking crickets. I spazed. The only thought left in my mind was to get away from her as fast as possible. Strangely, I realize how much has been let go as far as my issues are concerned just to simplify the relationship... and avoid haggling and arguments. This culminates in a torrent of resentment which apparently has been suppressed. She says for me to take her car, so I go.
Next day, today. She Drives me crazy. I go all the fuck the way out there, and spend another 1.5-2 hours driving, just to pick up my glasses and swimming trunks. She wants to stay and is angry at me for having a hissy fit in front of her friends and leaving. I argue with her on the phone for half the ride home... and she still could care less about how she made and is making me feel.
So what the fuck should I do? i feel horribly disregarded and shit upon, even if it isn't for this particular event. She always asks me to give her examples, but how do you give an example of an attitude? I'm not the karma bank and trust, i don't keep score of these things- I'm off the cuff, I shoot from the hip. The only thing that ever mattered to me the most was always the present, I'm supposed to let things go. Apparently Im not, however... what am I supposed to do about things I can't remember? I still feel the way I do, but have no grounds to justify it to her...
What the hell is wrong with women?
But ill get back to that.
-Flashback-
A year of imagery swims by, like a deluge of events:
It goes from the last post to this, in these flashes- Bike riding with people mid-last summer and then deciding to ride on my own in the end, moving in with my pal Hip (with enknot and I believe another estripper helping us!), Last years Dionysian Celebratory (Which I still have pics of), working for the man, great party at our place, more working for the man, a not so great party at our place, meeting someone special (?), pissing in the mans face (Which I Also have pics of), going freelance, losing health insurance, making much more money, getting ill, getting a new job working for a younger version of the man, moving in with this someone (special?), being called a tool daily (co-workers, no less), apartment limbo, a nervous break here, a nervous break there, and last night.
-Flash forward-
Man, I can have some bad days with the rest of em- and I have been damned moody lately. This wasn't so life shattering or altering- but it made me see a part of her I was trying very hard to ignore all this time.
Alcohol makes people do a lot of mean things, and some people just get mean drunk to begin with, but I am highly sensitive to being disregarded. On more than one occasion, at a party filled with drunk (older) people I have had little to no encounters with, I was left alone with no-one to talk to. The entirety of the evening my choices were either to stand by her side like a doggie, be antisocial and uncool with my laptop inside the house to avoid everyone, go for walks alone to take pictures, swim, or be social. Well, I did all these things (despite my non-proclivity to being social with people I know nothing about).
The whole time I felt like I was getting this weird attitude from her, and it was almost always exemplified in how she treated me or regarded me: she was suffering me, wanted little to do with me, and cared little for about how I felt or what I was going through. Now some of you out there might have social anxiety issues- I was diagnosed on so many levels with so many issues that I "should" be taking medicine for (they made me sick, in many ways) but don't, from choice. The whole fucked up part about it, she is going to school to help people like me, who have these problems.
All I wanted was to feel welcome. All I needed for that was for her simply to handle me with some kid gloves and make me feel cared for in a situation where I may have needed some you know, backup.
Instead as is generally so, I was expected to collapse when she decided to turn the fan off last night as I was sweating balls so she could hear the fucking crickets. I spazed. The only thought left in my mind was to get away from her as fast as possible. Strangely, I realize how much has been let go as far as my issues are concerned just to simplify the relationship... and avoid haggling and arguments. This culminates in a torrent of resentment which apparently has been suppressed. She says for me to take her car, so I go.
Next day, today. She Drives me crazy. I go all the fuck the way out there, and spend another 1.5-2 hours driving, just to pick up my glasses and swimming trunks. She wants to stay and is angry at me for having a hissy fit in front of her friends and leaving. I argue with her on the phone for half the ride home... and she still could care less about how she made and is making me feel.
So what the fuck should I do? i feel horribly disregarded and shit upon, even if it isn't for this particular event. She always asks me to give her examples, but how do you give an example of an attitude? I'm not the karma bank and trust, i don't keep score of these things- I'm off the cuff, I shoot from the hip. The only thing that ever mattered to me the most was always the present, I'm supposed to let things go. Apparently Im not, however... what am I supposed to do about things I can't remember? I still feel the way I do, but have no grounds to justify it to her...
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What I'm basically saying is you could be me, someone that has given up on finding someone all together. There's other things at work for reasons on why I have kept myself back, but doing that in this forum would do no good for myself or you.
All I'm saying is you are out there, you're trying and apparently getting back up after you got knocked down the last time you posted.
Listen man, I'd like to offer some unsolicited input here. Hopefully it will help you. I've been there and felt and thought these things too at points in my life. Just hear me out.
Your failing to address your medical issues is your real problem here, and it is preventing you from enjoying your relationship and negatively affecting your well being overall. This shit cannot continue.
I'm not saying you have to get on the meds, I hate those too so I don't use any. You do however end up having to do the hard work, the real worthwhile stuff, so you can improve your quality of life. You have to make an effort. Life doesn't meet you half way.
Because I have to say, based on this journal alone things ain't pretty. I don't think you're looking at things objectively here. I see a guy who is presently very difficult to be around because of his moodiness. Your girl DOES give a damn, and that you aren't already on your bike is a testament to that fact.
None of this is a criticism, okay, so don't get defensive. I think you need to do what I did, and install an impulse filter. Whenever you get a thought in your head like "I want to blow up in front of my girl's friends" you need to stop yourself and ask whether that shit is appropriate to be thinking.
The tendency is to get bitter and when you feel shitty it is the WRONG TIME to be making any kind of judgments on this stuff. You need to be able to look at things objectively and separate fact from fluff. I've ruined friendships in the past because of a failure to do this and I will regret it forever.
Forget all the external stuff and look in the mirror for an answer to the crap you're dealing with. That isn't some new agey bullshit.
Vycious - your solution is simple. If you aren't happy with her then leave. If you feel that it isn't working, you are doing a disservice for both parties involved. If I were you I'd become more comfortable with the idea of letting go and looking inward to solve the problems, rather than lashing out when you feel like you aren't getting adequate attention.
Here is the shit part of the shit-filled twinkie - dude, I'd be doing you a disservice if I didn't tell you that you're own behavior isn't helping things either. I would expect that the readers here can see it but I wonder about how much you realize your own behavior is affecting the situation. It seems you are playing the victim, and in certain situations it seems justified. If you are going to a party where you may not know anybody, it is incumbent on her to at least introduce you to a couple people. However, that doesn't mean she should be holding your hand all night long and attending to your needs. After all, it's a social function and while she should be introducing you to people, you in return should be able to "roll with it" better than you appear to be doing. Another example - the incident you mention where you wanted to leave, she wanted to stay, so you flipped out. Look, regardless of the circumstances what you did was wrong. As they say in Texas, some times you have to paint that white stripe up your backside and run with the antelope.
Anyway, the dynamic between you and this girl seems poisonous and completely incompatible. I'm only getting one side of the story so I'm not taking any sides. I think establishing the identity of the aggrieved party is irrelevant anyway. Even if, for the sake of argument, I'm getting an overblown description of your situation, it seems obvious to me that on some level she is independent if not somewhat uncaring about other peoples needs, and on some level you are more needy than is reasonably healthy. That is like water and oil. That isn't a criticism, by the way - it is something to learn from that I've undertaken in the past myself.
Your social anxiety issues and refusal to medicate yourself is exacerbating the problem as well. That is a fact. If you choose to help yourself in other ways (I've seen people use meditation, alternative medicines, etc.) that is good - if you are ignoring a doctor's medical advice that is incredibly bad. Do you have any people around you with the guts to actually tell you these things and try to guide you in a helpful direction? If so, and you ignore them as well, there is only one person at fault when things aren't improving. I'm seeing a lot of finger pointing but not a lot of introspection - think about it man.