07/27/08 02:26 - 76ºF - ID#45165
Update in Anger...
What the hell is wrong with women?
But ill get back to that.
A year of imagery swims by, like a deluge of events:
It goes from the last post to this, in these flashes- Bike riding with people mid-last summer and then deciding to ride on my own in the end, moving in with my pal Hip (with enknot and I believe another estripper helping us!), Last years Dionysian Celebratory (Which I still have pics of), working for the man, great party at our place, more working for the man, a not so great party at our place, meeting someone special (?), pissing in the mans face (Which I Also have pics of), going freelance, losing health insurance, making much more money, getting ill, getting a new job working for a younger version of the man, moving in with this someone (special?), being called a tool daily (co-workers, no less), apartment limbo, a nervous break here, a nervous break there, and last night.
Man, I can have some bad days with the rest of em- and I have been damned moody lately. This wasn't so life shattering or altering- but it made me see a part of her I was trying very hard to ignore all this time.
Alcohol makes people do a lot of mean things, and some people just get mean drunk to begin with, but I am highly sensitive to being disregarded. On more than one occasion, at a party filled with drunk (older) people I have had little to no encounters with, I was left alone with no-one to talk to. The entirety of the evening my choices were either to stand by her side like a doggie, be antisocial and uncool with my laptop inside the house to avoid everyone, go for walks alone to take pictures, swim, or be social. Well, I did all these things (despite my non-proclivity to being social with people I know nothing about).
The whole time I felt like I was getting this weird attitude from her, and it was almost always exemplified in how she treated me or regarded me: she was suffering me, wanted little to do with me, and cared little for about how I felt or what I was going through. Now some of you out there might have social anxiety issues- I was diagnosed on so many levels with so many issues that I "should" be taking medicine for (they made me sick, in many ways) but don't, from choice. The whole fucked up part about it, she is going to school to help people like me, who have these problems.
All I wanted was to feel welcome. All I needed for that was for her simply to handle me with some kid gloves and make me feel cared for in a situation where I may have needed some you know, backup.
Instead as is generally so, I was expected to collapse when she decided to turn the fan off last night as I was sweating balls so she could hear the fucking crickets. I spazed. The only thought left in my mind was to get away from her as fast as possible. Strangely, I realize how much has been let go as far as my issues are concerned just to simplify the relationship... and avoid haggling and arguments. This culminates in a torrent of resentment which apparently has been suppressed. She says for me to take her car, so I go.
Next day, today. She Drives me crazy. I go all the fuck the way out there, and spend another 1.5-2 hours driving, just to pick up my glasses and swimming trunks. She wants to stay and is angry at me for having a hissy fit in front of her friends and leaving. I argue with her on the phone for half the ride home... and she still could care less about how she made and is making me feel.
So what the fuck should I do? i feel horribly disregarded and shit upon, even if it isn't for this particular event. She always asks me to give her examples, but how do you give an example of an attitude? I'm not the karma bank and trust, i don't keep score of these things- I'm off the cuff, I shoot from the hip. The only thing that ever mattered to me the most was always the present, I'm supposed to let things go. Apparently Im not, however... what am I supposed to do about things I can't remember? I still feel the way I do, but have no grounds to justify it to her...
Location: Buffalo, NY
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