My hopes were shattered.. (e:joshua) , I went to Timmy HOs today and I DID NOT get a key chain. I did however, get a medium black coffee and also splurged on a small "buttercaramel smoothee" (hot sugar water). Extreme ends of the flavor spectrum.. gave me the boost I needed to get through the day.

been sleeping (almost) 10 hours (a night for the past few nights).. still not quite feeling right..

feel achy tonight. slight fever now too.

Damn germs are evrywhere!!! Maybe I can fend it off for good-- more sleep, rest and no craziness, if I can help it. Might need to just bury myself under the covers for a couple of days. I am actually calling in sick. That just feels soooooo weird. I do not like it. I was going to wait until the morning, but I know I would just get up and go to work.. and I would get through the day.. and continue to wear myself out and perpetuate the feel slightly better/feel a whole lot worse cycle.

And I feel mentally bad too. icky

I eat more when I am icky feeling. I think it is some attempt to boost happy neurtransmitters. Like all week, its insane

Ever stop and have this fear that all that you are, all that you believe yourself to be, all that you think you can do and will do is ALL ONE BIG FAT LIE?

Like if you stop and really contemplate the gravity of such a thought, then you know your world could very much come crumbling down around you?

that thought crossed my mind two days ago, and I have been perseverating on it ever since. Not so much a good thing- -yet good in other ways.

I don't feel like being positive right now. Fever is good for me. But i have so mcuh to get right, to fix, to figure out, to let go and to go after..

once the whirling stops, I have to focus, find direction and meaning- -and some semblance of having control again. I let it spin away from me. bad me.

I feel like flat pop.

but just for now.

fever is talking.
going to sleep myself better. (e:vincent) it really was a perfect night for a walk.. I just got your message-- phone was on silent :(

Not sure if I can recall the last time I bought a CD. Other than an occasional splurge from Record Theater..

Not sure if BMG counts.

I had subscribed to them on and off since being in highschool. The last time may have been 3-4 years ago. Back then I opted out of receiving the 'music card' in the mail (the one you had to return or they sent you a CD..) and instead get junk email from them.

Well, I decided recently to check out their site. I managed to remember my log in information and found out that I had a slew of unused music points- 5 cds worth. I decided that the 2.49 shipping per cd was worth checking out their inventory. So 5 randomm cds and 15.00 later.. I have extended my CD collection.

Mark Minkowski (conductor) Mozart Jupitor Symphonies #40, 41. Les Musiciens Du Louvre

Camille (french artist) French punk rock. "a distinctive voice that's both delicate and a tad deranged." Havent listened to it yet..

Music for Dreaming- a mixed Cd- Mozert. pachelbel, Bach, Grieg,Mendelssohn, Massenet, etc

I don't remember what the other two are.. I am thinking something in the trance--techno genre and perhaps some Harry Connick Jr.

My access to Limewire has been screwy lately, so not much downloading going on.


Christmas is less than two weeks away..

Christmas cookies are evil. I can not resist their tempation. Hell, I rarely resist my temptations of any sort.. but cookies, I will eat them until I am sick. So I may or may not get baking soon, if at all.

yeh, maybe I will.


might not fit through the door after its all over..

but thats what some major XC skiing will take care of!!!

woo-- I can't hardly wait!


and a few cartoons to enjoy:

• snicker*

Monday is over.

Mondays are bummer because they can't feel like any other day of the week. They certainly don't feel like Sundays (assuming a M-F job) and if it felt like any other day of the week, that would be depressing, since, well it is only Monday.

I have Emergency Response Training tomorrow. I am beginning my training as first responder of the sort. Little bit more than your CPR/First Aid stuff. I'll have to carry a pager now. ew.

I like having responsibility in the fact that it forces me to learn and be on top of new things.

I like to be in control. The kind of control that allows me to be able to make decisions, act on them and carry them out with confidence. I do not mean the 'my way or highway' kind of control. I have no problem with someone taking lead on something. Go with your strengths and balance out the weakness. I just don't ever want to feel helpless. So I can totally step back and allow someone to take over-- but I need to be able to have the skills to step up as well.

So this additional responsibility just adds to my repertoire.

but it takes away from the time I have to do my other duties..

Boss asked me if I thought that the multiple programs are structurally sound. If perhaps how they are structured and layered should be re evaluated. I nod my head. I can tell you all about it dear boss...I really should get into the consulting business..

or continue to work like mad on my own.

Found out my boss needs to take a 6 week leave, starting in january. I had pegged this time frame for one that would surface a more schedule friendly job- and one closer to home (either home). Now I will need to delay my personal interest for the greater good. I could not take off while she is gone. There is too much at stake too much going on-- too much that will hang in a delicate balance. Damn my morals and sense of responsibility!!

I am doing good stuff-- it is nice to see efforts come to fruition. Morale is increasig and people both internal and external to the company are happy- for now. I love having the high level responsibilities--

but I don't love the day to day detail and annoyances. Where many of the problems I just don't care. I see them getting old, quick.I need to love it again. I have always been fortunate in my ability to love my job. I only moved on once the learning stopped..

When I love something, I put my all into it. There is no turning back as my perseverence, energy and passion keep me going strong..

..not sure how much of any of that I have. Just continuing to be honest with myself.

I also miss the comradery. I didn't realize how much I had fun with my coworkers of jobs past until this one. I share a great proffesional rapport with people now. But it is with my staff that I get the best energy and shared laughs. There is a sense of humor and a "we'll get through this despite it all" .

I hate being in the middle of "them" and "us" --I am not sure which one I am.

ahhh, so I am done with the freaking out anxiety stage. It is all good from here on out. I will continue to make observations and reflections, but it is no longer under the whining/trying to figure out what the hells wrong category of writing/talking/thinking.

They know I wont back down on what I find important.

and I know I wont back down on what I have figured out about myself.

Onward and upward.

peace.

omg I am tired. Tried to go to bed around 5:30am- but found myself unable to sleep--the clock was ticking off minutes closer to 6:30 when i finally dozed off. Got up at 9:45am and cleaned myself up and then tackled the mess. I should have taken a post-party picture!


I was well humored last night- thanks (e:enknot) !

From what I recall, I did a lot of running..

• Running to people I havent seen in awhile and away from others (just being silly)

• Running to my room a few times- for good conversation, for research (I couldn't refrain myself) and for fresh air--cigarettes are gross. I know it wasnt any of you peeps who were smoking, hmmmm? I know you all read the stories from doctor jenks. Dont smoke- you don't want your jaw chopped off! (love the gross-cool stories, btw)

Great catching up on everything, (e:ladycroft) ! Lots of laughs and the fun that I am used to having- ha!

• Running up and down all of the stairs in the Mansion to find the source of burning plastic smell. Wasnt sure if I was imagining things- so I kept at it until it was figured out-- with help of (e:paul) . I would hate to have had found a fire!-- would have really hated to have had to call the Buffalo Fire Department..MMmmmmm yummy.. ;)

• Running (ok, jogging, skipping, walking) to NY Pizza. It suddenly seemed like a good idea. Boo to being carded at Frizzies. I knew I should have grabbed my ID. Pink was too far away after a drunken run/walk/skip/jog in the cold for pizza. At the Pink you never (rarely) need your card-- you just need to look atleast 12.

btw, shopping carts do not make for successful transportation.

• Running away from the papparazzi Peterazzi --hehe! You do a great job of getting pics of the parties from beginning to end- I just cringe when i see the ones of me! :) I forgot about the banner- so cool that you got a picture of that!! You need your own special party picture blog called The Peterazzi ;)

• Running in front of/jumping into pictures for the Peterazzi. Say what?!?! --when you are buzzed nothing you do needs to actually make any sense..

It had been a long while since I had a drink- or more than one. My grand total was a measly 4 drinks over the course of 5 hours- but it got the job done. Cappuchino with a splash of rum, a can of Sparks that (e:ladycroft) shared with me, and two other rum/coke drinks. Wonder what the coke to rum ratio was? I was thrilled to be feeling much better than what I had on Thursday night/Friday. It never went past being super tired/dizzy-which was enough, but it could have turned into something more. Heck, after last night it just might. Better get back to those Airborne tablets pronto.


I did a tiny bit of Christmas shopping this afternoon. Then I came home to Youngstown and vegged infront of the tv to movie on HBO- "something the lord made" a a fact based drama about the pioneering of heart surgery.

synopsis (this movie moved me):
    

SOMETHING THE LORD MADE is a moving story of men who defy the rules and start a medical revolution. Their patients are known as the "blue babies" - infants suffering from a congenital heart defect that turns them blue as they slowly suffocate.

Alfred Blalock (Alan Rickman) and Vivien Thomas (Mos Def) make a brilliant team. But even as they race against time to save one particular baby, the two occupy different places in society. Blalock is the white, wealthy head of surgery at Johns Hopkins Hospital. Thomas is black and poor, a skilled carpenter whose dream of going to college and becoming a doctor was ruined by the Great Depression, although he was naturally gifted with the intuition and dexterity of a great surgeon.

Even as they save lives and invent a whole new field of medicine, social pressures threaten to tear them apart. Ultimately, however, Thomas finds his dreams coming true in unexpected ways.

After that, I put a log on the fire and fell asleep for two hours. Very nice!

It was a nice weekend- in many many ways. I hate to see it over already...


Anyway, I am curious about other pictures that will eventually surface on here. I hope everyone is doing well. Again, Happy 30ish Birthday, birthday boy!

the wind is freaking me out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you hear it??

I made sure to put all of my storm widnows down. I could see one curtain moving--and realized that the window wasnt latched so that didn't help. Now its good.

I made a curtain for my kitchen window. It has frogs on it.

I have some plastic to put up soon.. I don't trust my abilities in this task. I know something will get plastic on it, hopefully it makes it onto the windows and stays up.

Is it getting warmer out there? Is that why its crazy windy? yikes!

Last I looked it was a clear night-- lots of stars. and cold. brrrrrr

Oooh, I finished putting out Christmas decorations. It had been two years since I did anything Christmas decorating-wise. Before that, it was only on occasion. In the past, i have put up decorations only to take them down a day or so later!!-- not being fully satisfied with the results. I am much better at keeping it for the duration of the holiday. I have also chilled out a lot in the past 5 years. Now I feel a little too laid back at times. Anyway, i am glad I put the tree up and a few other decorations-- perhaps it will help put me in the mood. i should start shopping-- instead of waiting till Christmas weekend. I am just trying to do things different in every aspect this year...

I made myself stay in this evening as I, well, had nowhere to go. haha. Actually, still feeling icky (but not worse than yesterday) I left work an hour early to come home to crash. I was getting so crazy silly at work that I needed to leave. Well that and the dizziness. Not sure if it was the mega dosing of Airborne tablets or just the way I get sometimes when I am sick-- but I had this manic energy. heh, maybe I am entering into a manic stage-- that would be nice. I get soooo much accomplished!

So I didn't exactly crash when I came home-- but it was good to be home a little bit earlier than usual. I am laying low to make sure I don't get sick. I think by tomorrow I should be much better *hopes*

onto other news:
Freak-o Stalker guy callled me. I had just thought yesterday that I had not heard from him in what seemed like a long time. I check my answering machine today, and there was a non-message/hang up. So I check the caller ID. It was him. Thats his calling card-- the never leaving a message. guh! I don't answer and tell him to f*@# off because that will just encourage him--I know, I have tried...

thinking about bundling up and taking myself and my camera on an excursion tomorrow. Depends on how I feel. Might just have to be a lazy ass. or if I am crazy-silly manic, I need to take full advantage of that too :)

Time to take my night time Airborne and get some more sleep. I just read (e:libertad) 's post about having some tea--you must get the Yogi!!! Now I want a cup of that myself. Not sure if I should combine that with the AIrborne, though.

see ya later, peeps!

they are everywhere.. anyone not sick yet?

omg its cold out there!

I have a ton of garbage to take out to the road.

I don't want to!!

I think I am coming down with something. Everyone is sick. I have been delerious all day-- my eyes feel like they have been crying, my head is aching and I really just want to sleep-- but can't yet.

gotta get that garbage out. booooooo.

Been chugging Airborne all day. I think its expired.

I am seriously goofy on top of it all. I think that is what got me through the work day..

soooo tempted to call in for tomorrow-- but I wont. I would have to be feeling a whole lot shittier than I do..

all this might affect my partying ability.. not sure. Again, boo.


brrrrrrrrr need to warm up. The cold I can do-- but windy cold-- and feeling icky--not so much fun.

Ok, soup, tea, garbage, puttering, more tea, curl up in bed to a movie and/or play Sudoku, my current obsession.

Then dreams.

Nice..

My realization of the day: I think I need acrush- crushes are fun, and other distractions.

oh, and-- I want to be able to wear pig-tails to work. I miss that.
Stay warm peeps!

Not much has changed since yesterday- I still hate my schedule. So much I want to do and not enough time, balance or energy to pursue. So I know I have to work harder work smarter at getting things to be the way I want them. Thats me. I need to find better alignment-- and that will happen, with time and process. However, I need to make sure not too much time goes by-- it is easy to get comfortable and allow for things to pass by. With this schedule and constraints, I would hate for life to pass by. I am currently uncomfortable, because there is stong pyschological dissonance, and I am fighting the urge to give in- to accept what is and go with it. It would be easier, yes? But that isn't me. So I will continue to do a damn good job, build morale and do as much moving and shaking that I can do w/o being fired, but then once things are up and running and I have identified a successor, then I know, without a doubt, my job is done.

While I go through all of that, I plan my next move. I have a few avenues that I can take if I so desire. Due to my wacked schedule, time is essential. I visualize what I want-- and begin to make it happen. Ive been stuck for a few months--creativity stalled (see.. i was afraid of creative amputation through forced regimented thinking and regulation adherences)--but I have been trying to kick start the process again. Have been using brainstorming as a mental and creative warm up. I always encourage people to dream big-- then use the energy and identified goals to make it happen..

I had mentioned in my last post that my dreams would be my repreive. It may have been more true than I intended. As I dozed off last night, my residual thoughts formed a great idea, brilliant maybe*. Just something that I needed to get me energized. It was kind of eureka moment. One that I forced myself to wake up and go write it down for fear of forgetting. The remainder of the night was spent further formulating the logistics surounding the idea. My brain was busy thinking all of this through while I was alseep. It was active enough to where I felt tired all day. Or maybe I am catching a cold-- lots of germs and sickness these past few days.

Anyway, I kept thinking about it all day and I could feel the smile on my face at times- it definitely put a bounce in my step.

I feel closer to where I need to be than I have in awhile- all i needed was something to mentally grasp and work towards. Just need to lay out the details.. and bring it to fruition.

I need to go to bed early tonight. If it is germs-- then good sleep and a dose of Airborne is required.

btw, I had a haircut on Saturday. The last few haircuts I mentioned in here and it has since helped me to remember to go get trims- very helpful.

• I am vague about job and future endeavors for paranoid reasons,lol.

So I write mostly to get some residual crap off my mind.

I hate my work schedule.

that is all.

time for bed; dreams are my repreive tonight.

woah, its snowing!!!

(delightful pic, (e:matthew) )

in Youngstown, even!! You know I am usually whining and crying while everyone is in a snowy wonderland and I am still seeing green. Not tonight though-- its snowy and pretty and I love the sound of the snow truck going up and down my street.

The ride home from work was, well, long. Plenty of accidents and slow driving. I made it home although it was challenging at times. Damn mezmorizing kamakaze snowflakes.

I really did not think that there would be snowflakes beyond Grand Island. There wasn't anything in Amherst until atleast 5pm. I had heard that there was snow in B-lo and Cheektowaga area.. so I thought it would be cool to see some snow after work as I intended to stay in Buffalo!

Well, once it began dumping hard in Amherst, and after hearing the tales that parents who were picking up their children were telling me, and all of the highway accident/vehicle crawl along the 90 stories (I didn't want to sit), I thought I would instead head into Youngstown. heh. It still took me an hour and 20 to get home. Christmas music (it is ok to listen to now) on the radio kept me entertained. I probably looked to happy to be tackling the driving conditions as they were. However, I really dig singing Christmas music, even if do not know half of the words. Perhaps I shall look for the lyrics..

I sOOOooOooOoOooOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo want to play hookey tomorrow and try to go XC skiing. But I know I wont, as intensly tempting that it is. boo.

I want to go buy snow shoes this year. :)

hehe, I bought a boot tray while at Value Hardware yesterday. I kinda dig that hardware store. It amuses me to look at all that stuff. Not big on Home Depot, but the little stores are kinda fun. So I broke in my boot tray. EXCITING--be envious. I still need to organize my trunk. I am not the only one out there that is prepared for all sorts of craziness, although I am right on equally ready for spontaneous adventure and armegeddon.

I think this time last year there may have been snow in Y-town, and then that was it. I doubt we'll have another year like that. This is going to be a weird winter, me thinks!

I have my tree up and lights on. Now I will begin to place the bulbs. It is the one of the few things that I am a perfectionist about. I also furblobproof (joey and kayla-they think its a big cat toy) the tree by securing all of the ornaments and bead-garland with hooks wound around the branches. So yeh, it takes awhile.

Its 930- feel like i just got home.. having myself some hot cocoa, listening to Morcheaba and Moby, and continuing my festive creation.

Hope everyone is safe and snuggly warm..

PS for the newbie peeps- click the red snowflake to make the site snow go away, if you so desire.

I worked a little bit outside today. I got too late of a start to really get into some of the crazy clean up that I need to do. Perhaps I should have bought the light contraption at Value hardware when I was there. I don't know what they are called--but its a box cage that contains a light- it gets super hot but its super bright. I need that.

Anyway, i pulled out my garbage cans (that are full) to remember to set them out thursday night. I keep forgetting..

I moved stuff around my garage-- thats a major project in itself- but something i can do anytime. i don't mind working in the cold.

I wish I got myself outside earlier than I did. I loved the cold air and the fresh earthy smell. I also like to run in this weather, so as I did stuff around the yard, i sprinted whenever I could.

I had previously taken out my air condidtioners except a big one--which I intend to keep in the window. I bought covering to keep it cozy over the winter.

I bought stuff to do my windows- the plastic stuff along with a roll of plastic for windows I don't care if I see out of or not. I would like to tackel that tonight..

but I would also like to put up christmas decorations.

yup, I am putting them up this year.

Last year sucked for the holidays-- i was in a major funk. So i hope that surrounding myself with some pretty decorations, wiill help put me in the mood.

I don't go crazy. I stick to one room and it looks really freakin' nice!!

AND I plan to do christmas cookies this year. ooOOoOoOodles of them!



As I organized my garage a bit, I found all of the christmas decorations.. and a box of booze, lol

I have a full unopened bottle of vodka, a partial bottle of tatoo rum, more than half a case of smirnoff bottles and an assortment of beer-- i am betting thats just nasty. But I could hold onto it and sneak it into a party. hahaha

my garage needs serious help and so do i. It the only spot that seems to accumulate crap-- good crap, but crap none the less.

ooh, i also found the other part to my nintendo that I needed to be able to get some serious old school gaming going on.

gonna hook that baby up and play some Marios Bros, Tetris, Loopz, Simons Quest (!!!!) and hell, even Duck Hunt. I am psyched baby yeah! I have two bean bags to plop my ass (and someone elses) in front of the tv. I think I will hit up the SUper Flea to pick up more games- soon :)

hehe.. original nintendo. you love it.

OK.. off to continue on my house keeping/holiday decorating/mess making/treasure finding adventures.

woo!