I have been avoiding the dentist because of my huge fears. I know, everybody says they are afraid or don't like the dentist. I think i have more of an anxiety related thing and perhaps a phobia. The thought of it, and those smells, well, they make my skin crawl, give me nightmares, and i can't think of a time i have been to a dental office and not cried. No, i do not mean a few tears, i mean, big time ugly cry and sobs. It's embarrassing.

Saturday i cracked a filling while eating a peanut at my friend's 2 year old's birthday party.

I even have another tooth with a chipped and missing filling that happened when we were in Pittsburgh back in the spring.

The dentist i had been seeing doesn't take my insurance.

So, i got online to look at my unions benefits page to look for someone new.

I also had a vague recollection that (e:Paul) saw a dentist that takes his insurance (e:Paul,49698) and since he and i are in the same union, i reckon they take mine, too.

They do.... so i called yesterday and they had a cancellation for today. I took it.

In the meantime, i got online looking for something to help me. Yes, (e:Uncutsaniflush) there to hold my hand is nice, but he can't sit in the damn chair for me.

I found this website that really hit home for me. The Common Fears section helped me identify exactly what it is that i am scare of. The Handle Me With Care form helped me to be able to communicate better with the staff. And i've only scratched the surface of reading the site. I think, just seeing it there in print on the screen has helped me not feel like my feelings should be diminished by others. It's been a quiet empowerment thus far.

The appointment was a cleaning and check up, because they always do that first, but i got the best hygenist ever. So patient with me. She let me rinse and spit out all the grit from the cleaning whenever i told her i was feeling icky about it.

The dentist allowed me to ask him for specific methods of communication that were helpful to me. To be able to stand and look him in the eye and have him point out what he was talking about on my x-rays was enormously satisfying.

I have no new cavities. However, i have a mouth of about 75% fillings and 2 are old and broken and need crowns.

When (e:Uncutsaniflush) and i were deciding where we would begin the rest of our lives, we decided that it would be better for me to move to Knoxville rather than him move to Hamilton.

His only living relative in North America, his maternal grandmother, was in a nursing home, with congestive heart failure and increasingly reverting to more Polish and less English. Unlike this area, there were not a lot of Polish speaking residents in Knoxville. Moving her could have been fatal.

In Hamilton, all i had was a crappy job working for the family business, my cat Diamond and a rented 1 bedroom apartment.

It was a bit of a no brainer.

Then, sadly, (e:Uncutsaniflush)'s gran died.

Our reasons for being in Knoxville were buried along with her. Yes, we had friends there, we were settled and content. But the drive to visit my family was long and at the time, i didn't drive at all.

We began to do some research. We wanted to move back North, but where? To Canada? And abandon the lengthy expensive process of getting my Green Card?!?

So, one day back in, well, it must have been late 2003, we were driving from Knoxville to Hamilton. We were on the 190, heading towards downtown. I think we were probably by the Smith & Fillmore exit, nearish the Tyson plant.

I elbowed (e:Uncutsaniflush), screwed up my face in a comic sneer and said, "ha ha ha... why don't we move to Buffalo?!?!"

Puzzled at my obvious sarcasm, he asked "Why? Why not Buffalo?"

So, on our way back from Hamilton to Knoxville, we paid the city a visit. And i ate my words. People were so friendly and kind to us. We saw that Buffalo is not all blight. And has wonderful architecture.

(e:Uncutsaniflush) did some online researching.

We came again in spring and were impressed at how the city came alive.

So, we worked on our house. Got it ready for sale. Listed it. Went away for a weekend to Kalamazoo to my cousin's wedding. Returned with a few messages from the real estate agent. Someone was interested. And wanted a quick sale.

A few short weeks later, we were here, our stuff in storage and our Prius packed to the rafters full of things we might need until we find somewhere to live.

We lived in the Lennox Hotel until i couldn't take it anymore, i needed an address....

Not sure if he discovered (e:strip) while we were there or when we got our first place over on Summer & Linwood.

I think i joined (e:strip) after going to (e:Ajay)'s going away party.

I like this Topic Suggester thing, (e:Paul). :o)

If i could live anywhere else i would chose to live in....

England.

Or Toronto.

Funny, but a lot of where i would live would have to do with what i could afford.

The time i spent in Leeds was one of the best times of my life. I had a crappy low paying job, worked 7 days a week most weeks, but i had lots of fun. I met loads of interesting people. During holidays, i was able to head off into the corners of the United Kingdom and explore. At the time, i felt i didn't need huge wads of cash and posh digs.

However, i think my favorite city to live in would be Toronto. I have spent more time there and feel like i know more about the place. I like it's big city feel without being so big i feel lost. But i would need to be making more than i make now to be content because it is an expensive place to live.

However.......

I would live anywhere that (e:Uncutsaniflush) lives because i love him. Damn, i moved to Tennessee to live with him, didn't i?

(e:Jason) posted details of (e:Joshua)'s visiting hours and memorial service on facebook for this Friday (2-4, 7-9) and Saturday (2pm) in Jamestown. I am not exactly sure when i am going, but i will be. If anyone wants to go, but can't because they don't have wheels, send me an email (i forget to look at the messages here all the time!). I will have space for 2 or 3 peeps in my prius....

We are in the middle of turning the small back bedroom into a large walk in closet. In the entrance of the room, there is a small cubbie type area.... a wee alcove, if you will. Well, myself and my brilliant husband decided it would make a good place for my shoes. After much sourcing, we found some nice white pine (correct me if i am wrong, Dear) on clearance at Home Depot. They were cut while i was at work yesterday..... and i love them! They are perfect and custom and they might just fit all my shoes if i squeeze them in a bit. Pics will follow (i just HAVE to for (e:Tinypliny)!) in the near future....

Due to my boss being a procrastinator and doing a rush job on a schedule that was over a week late (union rules, schedule must be out 10 days before it starts), i have an additional day off this week.

We had one too many people on duty and no event planned, so someone (read, the person who notices first) was able to take a day off. That someone is me.

I am using vacation time, since i have so much of it that i have yet to have even touched (i have used my personal leave time for previous vacations since personal leave time expires).

So, i had my pass days, Tuesday and Wednesday from last week's schedule, and our weeks start on Thursday, for which i have Thursday off... then i took today as a vacation day. Four days off in a row... that is like a mini-vacation.

And i have accomplished almost nothing.... yay me!

i do not have to work for the next 8 days in a row!

to celebrate, here are the go-go's

He did not make it through the night. He probably died within a few minutes of me typing my last post.

I don't know why he is gone, but i am grateful he did not linger or seemed to suffer very little.

We got him from the SPCA a few summers ago because of his Linux based name. He was terrirorially agressive and bit me the first time i cleaned his cage. With time and patience, he mellowed and i was able to pet him. He had a better life with us than he would have at the SPCA.

Our poor lil rat, Linus is not doing well right now. It seems so sudden and i am not sure he will make it through the night. I just told him that we love him and if he need to let go and die, he should because we do not want to see him suffer.

It's been just over two weeks since that stupid car accident. It definatly put a wee dark cloud over the new year for me.

I am pissed that i was doing nothing wrong, just stopped at a red light and i am the one that has to deal with all the petty shit, errands, paperwork and car repair shops involved in "making it right" for me, despite my innocence.

Yeah, i know that is just the way it is and sometimes life is not fair and thank goodness you weren't hurt. Do these comments help validate my feelings? Do the condemn them? Are they an attempt to reassure? Ultimately, because of the horrible place i was in, they just made me feel worse.

This is the second time in my very short driving life, that i have been rear ended while i was at a complete stop -- on 9-11-09 and 12-31-10, interestingly enough. What happens next time? Is my luck running out? Next time will it be one of those fucking Hummer things and a drunk teenage girl who will cripple me?

I wallowed.

I cried.

I've had nightmares.

I have vented, thank you.

Time to put it all behind me.