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Category: introspective

01/31/06 03:48 - 33ºF - ID#25574

"Can You Do Me a Favour?"

That was one of the first things i heard this morning. Luckily, before the phone rang, i had a chance to pee, 'cause sometimes, when i wake up in the morning, the walk from our bedroom, down the stairs and to the back of the house seems like miles.

In this case, the desperate voice on the other end of the phone was a neighbour. Through my grogginess, i found out that she got to work and a co-working casually asked her "so what did you have for breakfast?", upon which she panicked. Yikes, her eggs were still on the stove cooking!! She wanted to know if i would run over to her house and see if her house was on fire! Thank goodness, (e:Uncutsaniflush) was awake longer than i was and was able to get over there. He looked in all the windows to make sure nothing was alight while i talked to her on the phone as she rushed home. When i saw her car pull up, i went out in my robe and slippers to see how the house was. Thank goodness everything was ok... other than a pan or frying pan or whatever the eggs were in. I reckon her morning was mulit-tasking gone wrong?

Made me think how glad i was that we were home and how, for those 5 minutes or so, our neighbour had someone to at least talk to while in her panic. Which sort of lead my mind in another direction....

In my lifetime, i have always been happy to help. I think of myself as a fairly reliable person. I could be full of myself, but that really is how i see part of who i am. It honestly makes me happy to help. Now that i am married, i tend to hesitate slightly because i have someone else to consider when i give away my time... and sometimes, it involves him. He always tells me i need to be who i am and that my desire to help is something he cherishes in me. Which is just so cool to be married to someone who respects who i am.

Yet, sometimes, my longing to help leads me into feeling taken advantage of. It's happened in my past. I used to time phone calls from a friend when i was in my early 20's. Every 6 weeks, about a week before her day off the following week. Would i cut her hair... for nothing... again? I always did. Eventually, after trying a few times to hang out with her when she didn't want a haircut, i gave up. I tried to explain to her how hurtful it was, but i failed at it and eventually, i just stopped answering her calls. I would like to think i have learned from those days. But have i? Do i still feel like a doormat from time to time? Yeah. Do i feel resentment? Yeah. But ultimately it is because i can't articulate how i feel without offending, or at least fearing to offend. Still, after all these years, this is a challenge for me. I don't know if it has anything to do with how i see myself, or how i value myself. Do i think i am only good for helping, but not for fun stuffs?

Through it all, i like doing for others. Yet i rarely ask others for help myself. Why is that?
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01/27/06 01:46 - 15ºF - ID#25573

Happy Birthday!

Just a short note to wish you a very Happy Birthday, (e:Jessika)!

Did you know you share your birthdate with Mozart?
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01/26/06 02:34 - 20ºF - ID#25572

Taking A Break To Do Some...

... MATH?

(E:Paul)'s post [inlink]paul,4143[/inlink] got me thinking. No single person should bear the brunt of the financial burden for our beloved (e:strip) alone.

If we all take a day, or 2, or 3.. or even a week and not get that one latte or mocha frape or beer or.. <insert favorite beverage here>, we can all chip in and help get (e:Paul) the RAM he is looking for. It will add up. I reckon a week of beverages will add up to $20 easy. Every little bit will help, i am sure.

It's not that much money for a place we all cherish, is it?
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01/25/06 05:21 - 27ºF - ID#25571

Yo Ho Ho

OMG. Guess who we saw at Wegmans today?

Johnny Depp!


We even bought some. Ah, but i am not eating that Kelloggs crap (that's just a dig at my uncle who works for them... not that he reads this, he has more important things to do). We bought it for our friend, Mark, who just had to tell me about it and asked me to look for it for him. Lo and behold, there it was, right on the shelf of our neighbourhood Wegmans!

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01/25/06 06:27 - 31ºF - ID#25570


Yesterday, i finally got round to uploading some pictures that were in our digital camera for quite some time.

Squirrels are too damn smart...


And a beautiful male cardinal in the snow...


A snap of Buffalo that we took when we went for a drive a couple of weeks ago. I love the turned over white plastic chair...


A polar bear at the zoo just sniffin' and hangin'...


And the smoke from a fire in our neighbourhood last week...


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01/23/06 11:09 - 32ºF - ID#25569

A Tear For My Homeland..

As it stands right now, at almost 11pm, it appears as though Steven Harper will become the 22nd Prime Minister of Canada. (E:Uncutsaniflush) and i have been glued to the CBC all night, me hiding behind a blanket as though i am watching a horror film.

It woudn't be so horrific if it weren't Steven Harper's Conservatives. I used to kvetch about them all the time, but i would be oh so willing to take back Joe Clark's Conservatives any day.
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01/23/06 04:59 - 35ºF - ID#25568


At 4.30am? I am awakened from a sound sleep with hiccups?!?

Well, %@#&*$%@!!!!!!!!
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01/21/06 06:32 - 35ºF - ID#25567

Good, Bad &amp; Indifferent

First, the good..

OK, i know this is going to be early. But that is just so me.

[size=xl]Happy Birthday, (e:Paul)!! [/size]

I hope you have fun whatever it is you end up doing tonight and that your birthday tomorrow is filled with lots of everything wonderful.. oh, and no hangovers!

Next, to shake up the order of things or just for kicks, the indifferent..

We got some righteous bargains yesterday when we were shopping. There was a sale. Spend 25 bucks, get 10 bucks off. Cool. Found (e:Uncutsaniflush) a shirt for 20 and thought of looking for something for 5 bucks so we could use the coupon for 10 bucks off. Couldn't do a gift card. That would have been killer. So, we found these really nice orange (so my favie colour) glass bowls. For 9 bucks. Does this mean they paid us $1 to buy the bowls? I would like to think so.

Last, the bad...

My uncle Tony died yesterday. I don't know how old he was. I never met him. He was older than my dad (he just turned 60). Everyone used to say my dad was the oldest. I used to correct everyone and get in trouble. See, Tony was mentally handicapped. "Retarded" they used to say then. They never thought he could live a productive life, so they stuck him in an institution. Even though i never met him, i feel sad.
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Category: apologies

01/15/06 06:15 - 16ºF - ID#25566

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Sometimes, i have no idea where my brain is. Today is one of those days. Call it PMS. Call it a brain fart. Call it me being a self centered bitch. I had an emotional hissy fit. Deleted all my posts. Even though i told (e:Paul) i would not ask him to, i have asked him to restore my posts. He did, probably cursing me the whole time. (e:Paul), i will take whatever "punishment" and/or chore you decides to dish out. I also owe you a public apology.

I am sorry, (e:Paul). You do not need the extra work i created for you...

And, i need to apologize to my husband. I am sorry, (e:Uncutsaniflush). You are right. If i was feeling crappy, i should have come to you. Not gone into my stupid and old self-destructive patterns.

Ah, but i did. And the last thing i need to do when i am feeling emotional pain is to give (e:strip) and any (e:peeps) a cyber finger. Sorry, (e:Strip).
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01/05/06 11:55 - 32ºF - ID#25565

I've Changed My Plea to Guilty

This Saturday is my father's 60th birthday. I really want to visit him, but because of car problems, we might not be able to make it. Only yesterday did i fully realize that me feeling a wee bit of a panic at not seeing him, not doing every little thing i could to celebrate the day, was due to the fact that i have some unresolved and deep rooted guilt. Something i thought i had forgotten, or at the very least forgiven myself for. It appears as though i am still re-living the guilt every year.

When i was 11, something really bad happened to me. After it happened, i did not do what i should have done. I should have told adults. I should not have gotten medical attention alone. I should not have let it eat me up inside. I didn't know at the time that it would colour almost everything that would happen to me for the rest of my life. I am just now, 25 years later, fully understanding. I know, now, how much it influenced my drug addiction. How much i became a downright horrible person from the pure unrelenting hurt because a trust i had in someone was so deeply broken. And how i had to see that person every single day and felt like i had to pretend that nothing happened. I just had to pretend i was an evil little brat, something my parents could never figure out. Why did there straight A student, the girl who would talk to and befriend anyone and everyone, suddenly become so downright disrespectful? I fell into a really bad pattern of behaviour. Any drug i could get my hands on, i took.

A year or so later, my dad was so frustrated with his "dreadful daughter", that he punished me for the first time in his life. Whatever i had done, i am sure i deserved the punishment. Perhaps i was caught stealing money from them again -- allowance so did not pay for enough heroin to make it through the week. After he punished me, i decided i was going to punish him back. I stole a buttload of money from him, left a note that i had run away, signed in to a small room at the WYCA with fake i.d. and took a hit that was bigger than i thought i would ever take. I think, now, that i was trying to harm myself. But at the time, i just thought about my anger. Unfortunately, i picked a bad day to to this. Yeah, you guessed it. It was my dad's birthday.

How can i make up for that? How on earth can i ease the guilt i feel for doing this to him? My parents always treated birthdays like a sacred day. And i shit on his. I thought i was past this. I thought i could forgive myself for this. I really had no idea that i hadn't.
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