not able to quiet my inside, as the prior post describes, so I play with my camera in those moments and come here..





deeply now..

its quiet.. so very quiet. Around here, in the mansion, in my head.

and I have no words.

Its not that I don't have anything to say, it is simply I can not adequately put anything, any of THIS into words. Yet, I need to post- as THIS is post worthy to me.

a lump in my throat, a pitter patter in my heart, silence and a strange sense of intoxication is just the beginning.

did I just write that?

carey is ...

carey is....

carey IS.............


gosh, i need a new category.

going to think and visualize what I can not write.

good night, sleep well, please be safe..

I have a slight pang of pressure in my mouth where the good dentist poked a needle full of numbing stuff. Although I considered opting to do without numbing agent for a filling redo, I went ahead with it anyways. My dentist is amazing. It is his gentle manner, soothing presence and kind, warm personality that allows me to fully relax and handle all that has needed to be done in the dentists chair. He is aware of my reactions, and often will lightly touch my forhead or shoulder with reassurance paired with equally soothing words. I respond to that and totally dig him for it. heh, great bedside manner-- hence my silly little very innocent crush.

The afternoon is advancing quickly. I am enjoying a cup of rapidly cooling Organic Yerba Mate Chocolate tea. The sky is overcast, but I sense the sun coming in through the large window behind me. To my left, a vase of flowers that smell so sweet. I will load a pic I took from my camera phone just a short while ago. Although they were a vase of cast-offs, I am very pleased to have found them on my desk when I came in to my room last night. I love love love flowers., and these ones smell so weet- their simple presense brightens my already shiny day. What kind are they? To my right, I have (e:soma) 's cd in play mode, which was borrowed from (e:ladycroft) a few weeks ago. It is really quite gorgeous to listen to. I feel like I am floating when I focus in on the beats. And in front of me, is the whole entire world- this is so amazing!- and the possibilities are endless. 'Anything is possible, nothing is impossible'. (e:theecarey,230)

I am working on creative projects- all hands on. I'm going to get honest, silly, dirty and gooey, and whatever/wherever the creation process takes me. I am very physical, imaginative and energetic, the list could continue, but in short- this should prove to be interesting. It will, it will. Its all about me, yes?

If you are cleaning out and have catalogues/magazines that you would otherwise toss, please send me a post-it. I am seeking various materials to work with.

I have a good start with a large pile of magazines that I pulled together while cleaning out my book closet. I have quite a few - from individual issues I purchased, to various subscriptions to hand me downs, I am set to begin. In this pile is a random selection of health, fitness, business, science, and "beauty" mags. Also, Oprah, Cosmopolitan, Playgirl and various home/pet/sporting catalgues.
I am hesitant to toss in my business magzines, yet what I pull from them will be relevant, so I suppose I could sacrifice a few. (Please forgive me, Fast Company). I have to seriously consider whether I can mangle any of my Scientific American (Discovery, Mind, any of those sub-issues), Entrepreneur or New Scientist. Those I read front to back inside and out; drooling and dreaming.

In considering cutting up various magazines, I must start with a memory and a bit of a mental meander. Now, I like a good healthy well rounded warped sense of humor. I can laugh, joke find humor in just about anything- very self entertaining. My thoughts also tend to lead toward the risque. (e:pyrcedgrrl) and I have been honing this natural ability for years. From the delicate years of elementary school, where we would pass notes to each other by dropping them off in folders on our desk labeled, "U.S. Male" (we knew how to spell and for many other reasons, we were purposefully separated from being in the same classroom for the remainder of elementary school) to mid-twenties ruminations of owning house-boys and/or strip clubs or the girls equivelent of a happy ending spa to present day gag gifts of love- (e:theecarey,15) . In light of this post regarding the cutting up of magazines for creative purposes, with PlayGirl, well, some of them have been used to cut out images from as well. One year, I rifled through a stack of mags to cut out enough images sufficient to decorate the inside of a birthday card to her. There was a picture of a cake and it certainly needed candles, eh? Since that time, even though I am pretty sure I tossed out the specifically chopped issues, I have always had a (not too serious) fear of someone finding one of these mags , inwhich they flip through and notice that all of the penises are cut out. I would conclude that we encountered either a twisted perv or disgruntled ex girlfriend. I fall into neither category.
Its a funny memory, and I imagine that (e:pyrcedgrrl) still has the card somewhere, haha. Hanging on the fridge perhaps? ;)

With this digression, I have decided that I will pass on adding old issues to the pile and stick to the plethora of mags I tossed in my car. There is a lot to work from and I imagine that really great images, visions, stories and truths will emerge. This will be fun. Gratitude is bouncing high. *boing boing boing*


A few pictures taken using the Pocket PC. The pretty smelling flowers. Tall green stalks, white six petaled flowers. They look and smell familiar, but I do not know what they are called. The following ce pictures were taken yesterday after my dental appointment in Williamsville area. These don't show what I saw, but if you were outside at all, you would have seen the beauty of 'tinsel' covered trees. Some spots along the highway (particularly those in the Y-Town portion of the highway) had the sun hitting the trees in such a way that the land looked surreal, like a fantasy land. I half expected little fairies to come flittering out of the forest. I must learn to bring my camera with me everywhere. That is a must! No more relying on camera phone pics!

















Time to shower, do some stretching and then.. read until my next adventure begins. Have a splendid day, peeps.

My key words for today: Creation, Imagination, Exploration, Excavation, Rumination....

AH HA!

I could barely sleep last night. Energy and thoughts bounced through me. Toe tapping, probably smiling, entertaining light dreams.. I woke with just as much energy, if not more. Nice!

There are big fat snowflakes dropping to the ground- so pretty! They are clinging to everything except for the road. Just the way I like them :) This is good- other than purposeful donuts in empty parking lots, I do not like to be concerned with driving far in the snow- myself or anyone else.

I am going to go play outside for a a little while. Go for a walk, perhaps take my camera. But not too long-- have to meet a friend then get going to an appointment.

Shortly I will trek out to Williamsville for a dental appointment. I don't love it, but I do go for cleanings a few times a year. I was there just last week for a scrape and prod. Happen to have a filling from childhood that needs to be replaced and that is why I am going today. I swear my frequent visits have nothing to do with my raging crush on my dentist.

He's so darn cute.

However, married with baby..

so the best I will get from him is Hot Oral.. Hygeine.

hehe

Not that kind..

Jumping on the You Tube theme..

I LOVE Kids in the Hall..

so many skits- couldn't possibly choose my favorite. However, I have always been fond of CRUSHING YOUR HEAD, crush crush crush!

Amuse yourself like I did..

I went outside late last night to place items in my car that I will bring to Buffalo. A small broom vac, a pile of magazines and a few other art supplies that will be used in upcoming journal collages. There is also a bag of clothing to "unshop". This will be taken care of today along with a few other errends. I gingerly went up and down the icy staircase and maintained a slow walk to and from the car.

After placing everything in my car, I stopped to look up into the night. We were under heavy clouds and it appeared that we would soon have snow. Before going inside, I took time to look at my surroundings. As there was some snow on the ground, it made it easier to see things in the darkness. As with everywhere else, the trees and bushes were encased in ice. This is such a beautiful sight! As a child I loved the look of ice on everything, the after effects from an occasional icestorm. It was fun to take a walk out into the woods behind our house. The thick ice held our weight and it was a neat sensation to walk on top of the snow. It was just as fun to break through the weak spots- hearing and feeling the crunch under my feet was very satisfying. Also, an ice storm usually gauranteed a day off from school, providing me special time to luxuriously play outside to my hearts content. It really is so pretty! However, I am even more fond when snow adheres to tree branches. Sometimes we have heavy snow falls with the big fat snowflakes that when combined with still air, they cling tight to everything- building quickly to cover cars, mailboxes, fences, tree branches and bushes. Ah, to stick out the tongue and catch a few. When I look out into a dense forest and see a world of white, the sight it amazing. That I will stop everything for and take pictures of.

I have always wanted to go camping in a remote location during the midst of a heavy tree-sticking snow. I would forgo a tent in preference of a warm log burning cabin. A bottle of wine, pen and paper, good company, conversation and my camera. If nothing else, my camera and a sense of exploration (and sure, that bottle of wine). Whenever I am at an art show and there are photographers who have taken snow scenes, I find myself drawn to those photos. I get lost in my thoughts looking at the snow covered earth. It is visually quiet, clean and serene.

A mental meander.. I do not know of any cabins in the 'midddle of nowhere', but I bet I can locate a rural woodsy landscape- Cattaraugus or Chautauqua county, for sure. Maybe I will chance taking my old car out for a long day drive.. 200,540 miles on that engine- what are a few more? This adventure is something I really want (need?) to do, so why not? Whether alone or with company, it is now a matter if time before this adventure is embarked apon.

Although I was cold while I stood in my driveway looking at my surroundings, it didn't stop me from venturing further down the driveway until I reached the street. The street light illuminated more of the natural pulchritude. Looking up and down the street the ice glistened everywhere. Had it not been for the slippery walking conditions, I would have continued. Instead I slowly made my way back to the warmth of my home all the while looking around, breathing, and listening. Did you hear what I heard? Last nights ice show was more than visually pleasing. If you were outside and the rest of the suroundings were quiet enough, you could hear the sound of the ice on the trees. I listened to the sounds- crackling, whistling, humming vibrations of nature. With focus, the sounds all around were deafening. I stopped at the lilac bush next to the front steps leading to my door, placed my body very close and put my ear to the ice encased branch. And listened.

I am very pleased to have not only stop and smell the 'roses' but also to listen to them. Could this be heard in the city? Not sure if I ever noticed when I lived there full time. I am not sure if I would have known to focus in on one branch if I hadn't somehow tuned in to the beat of the rest of the forest. Either way, so glad that I did.

The past few days have been quiet. A purposeful solitude punctuated by the effects of nature. Today, I will be out. A few errands and some other responsibilities to take care of. I will load all of the new songs d/l the other night onto my iPod. I love to listen to music while driving- two of my favorite activities. Alright, so there a lot of activities that I like, but the combo of driving, music and thinking is simply splendid.

I spent time reflecting of the past year. Made revelations that werent particularly surprising- just in purposeful reflection it helped to clarify previous observations. In short, the beginning of 2006 was a major paradigm shift in my thinking and feeling- which ultimately prepared me for the end of 2006- and cleared the way for my theme for 2007. I had originally thought that the intensity and change of early '06 was dissolving- but it hadn't. What had been 'new' became my standard, so in effect, ofcourse it would seem less intense. Instead it was running deep within. I am very cerebral.. with previous 'mental static' rectified, my focus is intensified- and returned to me. More to come, I am sure.

Coffee with friends- new and old- is on the agenda this week. Any takers?

Snow is falling, sun is shining.. stay warm and safe, peeps!

Fantastic! The bike path rapist/murderer is done! (well, its looking that way) All of the incidents through the years seem to be directly connected to the same individual, Altemio Sanchez. Various departments connected with each other to to bring him down. He is in custody and expected to be charged. This is a really good thing- sharing information, working together to increase efforts and knowledge. More or less, kicking ass and taking out the trash. woo!



Joan Diver was the most recent victim ('o6), prior to that there were two others. One name alludes me, but the other was Linda Yalem ('90).
When I was at UB, I remember always hearing about Linda Yalem, one of Sanchez's victims. There were regular commemorative activities, the most widely known being the annual 5K Safety run/walk. Imagine, now almost 17 years later- the family was not hopeful to find the murderer.

Here is a longer detailed article that fries me and makes me feel ill. There were multiple assults, but the statute of limitations have run out on that. Ofcourse, there is no such statute on murder- and he is pegged for three of them. Which is why such elation of the most recent news of finding the scumbag.

• breathe*

On another positive note, wasn't it just last week that a recently kidnapped kiddo and another one from years back were located in Missouri? Whether working together or serendipity, it is certainly good stuff to hear about.


Tides are turning!

found these in my closet.what was I thinking? add another 4 inches..wow. although I think I have the perfect outfit.

on another note.. does gesso ever go bad? I have some canvas I would like to prep. suppose I could just try it to find out?

Recap of Saturday- Spent a wonderful time with a friend I had not seen in awhile; too long really. How simple and at ease we are with each other. No matter how much times goes by, we always fall back into step. That is how it goes with my closest of friends.

During my home-purge, I placed the nicer belongings to the side with thoughts of giving these items to this particular friend. To my surprise, she showed up at my door this morning. We caught up on life as she went through the boxes of my purging efforts. She fondly laughed at my surroundings, observing the newly formed chaos- and remarked, "Care, you always get into and have fun with your projects." Sure do. I like hands-on, I like to see progress and to use my creativity and energy whenever possible. Something as simple as re organizing,re adjusting, re evaluating and re establishing my environment embodies all of that with an immediate pay off.

I am impressed with how much I have parted with. I am not at all a 'pack rat'- I prefer to keep it simple, so I guess I was impressed that I had that much to give away and still had plenty for myself. I had her pegged as the recipient of all the extra stuff as I knew that anything that she or her husband couldn't use, she could pass on to her cousin, someone I prefer to not be in contact with yet am considerate of. Other specific items will go to friends that I know could use/want/desire them. The remaining will be donated.

To bring in some extra cash, I thought of selling locally or on ebay. I am taking another look at my budget and making changes-as I prefer the comfort of operating in the plus rather than the fear of the red. However, I first want to just give things away-- simply to just get my environment fully cleaned out- top to bottom, inside and out. It is more symbolic than anything else.
Eventually I will revisit the eBay option. It could be fun, right?

The hours passed quickly. My mom stopped over in the early evening and they had a chance to chat as I went through my shelves of books. I parted with a few of those as well- with ones that I knew I would never read and ones that I know certain people will. I'd rather see them enjoyed and shared rather than collect dust.

During this past week, I now have approximately 20 extra dollars in total from found change, singles and one ten dollar bill. There are books in my collection that were pushed out of sight yet are VERY specific to my return to 'me'. There are old letters and memos that remind me of where I have been and where I am going, pictures have surfaced that reminded me of the same, a high level of energy, excitement and lightness continues- a natural and normal part of me yet had been stifled for so long. So all this has not been simply a purging as I first suspected but also an excavation. I am humbled by the experience and opportunity.

After updating and catching up on the important stuff, my friend asks, "this is so cool, what now?"

I am not sure if I am able to articulate that quite yet. I have a sense- something that I can not verbalize, but am working on, gravitating towards. I fumble to explain- explaining what I am rather than what i am not. Standing tall, gesticulating with energy, my right hand is present and future, my left hand depicting the past. I converse with passion, humor and conviction.

I am able to state what I want to learn more about, what I want to try, what I want to get back in to and that whatever I do will embrace my values, needs and essential parts of me.

I am my own organization- I do not want to be owned by any other. I have known this for a long time. However, it during this time that I have the freedom and ability to acheive this outcome. To collaborate and create something of value and fascination is vital. That is me. I do not have the malleable behaviors that are expected from certain mental models. You want someone to maintain the status quo, think inside the box, and nit pick/micro manage? You will not find it here.- it is not a natural state for me to be in. And all that I am, I will not be able to find there/with you. Passion, creativity, honest voice, genuine support and inspiration are a few of my operating standards. Neither mindset/ideal/set of behaviors/attitude are better than the other, they are just different..simply certain things are a better fit respectively- and each must find what works best. If they clash to the detriment of one or the either (or both), then decision have to be made. In a specific situations (still maintaining blog vagueness) I have allowed myself the necessessary time to learn, to try something new, to try to understand and to stand my ground- but not at the price of losing me in the process or at the price of de moralizing others. I wont and can't ever be what they want. Again, gratitude prevails- for so many things on so many levels.
The same qualities are applied to my frienships, romantic relationships, life interests and pursuits.

Unlike here, I stand before my friend and continue in detail, jumping around yet completing the picture. She gets it, as she 'gets' me. And with a knowing smile, concludes that "you know who you are" then suggests that I might get into landscaping.

where did that come from? I don't have all those skills, but I do have a knack for working with my hands, endurance and getting dirty; And for some reason, can grow amazing things outside- not so great indoors :/

Actually, she knows someone who could use 'someone like (me)'. I'm flattered. So many possibilities..

its funny how in reflection some things just make sense.



I look forward to a hike later (Sunday)- so tempted to take my XC skiis propped next to the door out for a snow quality test. Yes, Y-Town has a light layer of white fluff!!! Perhaps if I were to venture further south.. I'll find(or make) a trail. Yeesh, didn't make it out much last year if I recall correctly; not enough snow! My first time out after such a long time will be hilarious. I still havent mastered how to get up after I fall. I think that was the beginning of the end for my digital camera. Ofcourse I had to take a picture of my 'I've fallen and I can't get my ass up' - then fall again (on the camera) while trying to get up and imbed it with snow- (e:theecarey,59) Then there was that time I jumped in the freezing lake with it.. haha- (e:theecarey,52)
I should have invested in a waterproof carey resistant camera. I'll try to behave. But oh, the best (fun) pics are the most compromising ones! Hmm, as I look at the long nordic skiis, I notice a small bunch of mistletoe hanging off of the adjacent door hinge.


Well, is it now approaching 4am. I should have been in bed hours ago. I'm in the mood to engage in some creative expression- dig out the ole crayons. or pencils. or vine charcoal. or finger paint :)

but alas it is time to try for sleep and will have to wait for later.

Good night, stay warm and sweet dreams..

This is a p:mobl post

Terry in front of me, LC to my right,
(e:terry) , (e:ladycroft) and myself worked individually in our respective corners of the taped together drawing paper.

an unplanned design, I played
with colored pencils of dark and light purples,greens and a pink.

pocket pc photos to follow..


(e:terry) 's eyeballs, triscuit and hoof-hand





(e:ladycroft) 's collage of self expression





mine- not sure what or why- I picked up the pencils and just began..







a view of it all together


it was fun