funny how love works. or doesn't work.

the things you learn about yourself

the things you unlearn

it all seems so grand, yet it is all so basic.

for some its easy

for others its hard

some people want it, but don't get it

others get too much of it, but don't want it-

Feelings.

they really are a driving force. even if you have them locked and well guarded.. they are still there.

and when they break out of their cell, it is mayhem--and control is lost...

is this the result of answering old questions,

or answering new ones?



I do not know.



I do reccommend tossing the key and seeing what happens-- the good, the bad, the ugly-- it is a part of the sensual life. Without it, it is all mechanical- easy, contolled and safe.


now if I would just follow my own advice, yes?









btw, thanks for sharing:?

(had to publish and run earlier, if anyone noticed that this was just lniks in the post)

I was going through you tube videos and found this. Surprised that I hadn't seen anything about this yet.

GAH!

full length YouTube video (7 minutes):



written account with video:




from msnbc- folllow links..

sn excerpt from a UCLA student blog who was there:

Apparently when the campus security asked Mustafa for his ID he refused to show it to them. One witness said that he said it was in his wallet, but he didn't want to show it to the security guard. The security gaurd asks him to leave, as it is policy that anyone without a student ID card may not be in the library after 11 pm. Mustafa refuses. The campus security leaves to go get UCPD (on campus police). During this time, Mustafa decides to leave the library. He packs up his things and begins to head for the door. He is approached by UCPD, who grab his arm because they don't want him to leave (I guess they wanted to question why he was refusing to show his ID). Mustafa asks the police not to touch him. At this point no one is screaming/getting the shit tased out of them. The police insist on escorting him out of the building when Mustafa goes limp in resistence.

The police threaten him a couple times I guess. He yells "get the fuck off of me" and "I'm leaving!". This is when he gets tased.

....He gets hit with the taser again...and again....and again...and again. At this point the students in the library begin to become upset. One girl asked the officer for his name and badge number AND HE THREATENED TO TASER HER. The police were pointing the taser at concerned bystanders and threatening to taser them. Several people I've talked to can account for this. They were making these threats after Mustafa had been tased at least 3 times and after he had been put in handcuffs and was lying on the floor like a puddle of goo.

abuse of power?

(e:pyrcedgrrl) failed to post on estrip about this, so I must take it upon myself to do so :)




I wanted something sweet, so I bought a package of break and bake cookies. I burned them, well, over cooked them. I do not like crunchy cookies, so I had to toss them. Oh, well. I am sure there will be other opportunities to munch in the future.






I am working on multiple resumes. Actually, I keep getting side tracked at looking at various job postings on Monster.com-- I have been humoring myself looking at companies in NYC.




The resume part is challenging for me, as I want to get away from what I have been doing for so many years. Its time to switch things up a bit. So I have to focus on things other than the field and positions I have held. Lets see what I come up with. I may need something dfferent just so I have more time to focus on building a business. I have been working on one project on and off for awhile.. now something else has landed in my path and I am very curious about it. So I am doing research on that as well. and networking and picking peoples brains.

very cool.

I've tried numerous times today to bitch about radio music.

p:mobl was a p:ain in my ass today. My pocket PC has been loading my post since 11:30 this morning.

Since it continues to annoy the hell out of me, even though I have since turned off the radio, I will share my annual pet peeve.

TURN THE MERRY-FUCKIN' CHRUSTMAS MUZAK OFF.

I havent even had my annual plate of gutton yet, and those tunes are already felizFNnavading all over the air airwaves?


I happened to have a few appointments this morning: oral violations, on again off again addictions to attend to, my weekly ass ramming (see below) and bi-weekly dignity deposit

(read: teeth cleaning, Tim Hortons, Tank fill-up and its Payday!)

feelin' fine, feelin' feisty, feelin' its finally friday

yeh, ok. So this morning I don't feel like tuning my iPod to a fuzzy station on the car radio. I knew I would be in and out of my car (and hence packing up the iPod everytime I got out) before I hit the highway for any length of time, so I decide to try something new: I'd listen to the radio inbetween errands. Curious that maybe I would find something new and interesting to listen to, I was feeling hopeful-- kept on pressing the "seek" button--

feeling hopeful until I heard multiple stations with CHRISTMAS music.

AHHHHHHHHHH WTF?!?????!!!!!!!!!!!

well, that had to go. A little premature for that, hmm?

Not to forget the slew of christmas/christmas themed movies and television shows on the 25" brainsuckingmediabox this evening.

Moral of this post?

Stick to iPod

stick to porn.

just don't stick to your iPod.

happy friday, kiddies ;)







j/k

If (e:ladycroft) 's post was the thesis to feeling good about the position you are in, then my post is the antithesis. I had to take a play on her post title, as this accurately summarizes the my thoughts as of late.

I read her post via cellphone while on my lunch. It made me smile to see that one of my friends is in a good spot right now. I am sooo thrilled! I am excited for you- it sounds like you are exactly where you should be. The whole universe is conspiring for you. I look forward to hearing all about it one day soon! YAY!! :)

I take an almost perverse delight in experiencing something uncomfortable. It makes me confront the situation and the reasons behind it. There is some excitement in this process despite the dissonance, aggrivation and annoyances.

I am not unhappy. I look for everyday experiences to contribute to my sense of happiness. This has more to do with the effects on my core-being. I have to dig deep to uncover the source of my dissonance and know that there is validity to it.

My job is fine. I am good at it and I can only get better. I am part of something big. I am paid a respectable salary. It is a management position and is dynamic. I am surrounded by old friends (from old department I worked in prior to this new position). I have loads of paid time off and great benefits. And I am grateful for all of this.

So why am I not where I should be?

especially when others would give anything to be in my position?

I have put a lot of thought into this- a thought that has been building for quite some time now. However, it was using the last two weekends -- weekend #1 to quietly think it through and weekend #2 to verbally express/share my thoughts (thats not easy for me) and then to begin acting on thoughts/ shared information. This week and into the weekend- weekend #3, will be a culmunation of doing/saying things to validate those thoughts, perceptions and actions. --sorry I havent been around/available much- -but I feel something big-bigger, is in my future and I need to figure some of this stuff out NOW. and I am conscientious enough to get a really good understanding of all of what is going on.

I think out side the box, I question the status qou, I scoff at mundane details. I get bored easily. I have so much mental energy, that it is hard to restrain it. Yet in this position, it is on a tight leash. This is better suited for someone who feels comfortable operating within predetermined constaints. Parameters are set- you must operate within boundaries. No risks allowed. I was fooled into thinking I had the freedom to think. Instead, I liken it to a dog on a farm with an 'invisable fence'. You can see what is in the distance, but you aren't allowed to get to it.

Now, standardization and procedures have their place- we need some regulation and conformity, however, when I feel like I should check to see if there is a Standard Operating Procedure for wiping my ass, I know that I am very close to creative amputation.

I thought I could salvage my creativity, energy and passion into some life-work balancing activity/project-- but I found myself not able to switch gears. It is as though my mental flexibility turned rigid- only capable of thinking in the same neural pathway as set forth by the work environment.

and that scared (scares) me. Yay, I am beginning to talk past-tense. Hence my need for the multi-weekend mental sabbaticals.

It doesn't look as bad as it sounds. It is hectic, chaotic, multi dimensional and even interesting (things that I love)-- but I feel like my wings got clipped. And thats more a reflection on my personal attributes and strengths than anything. I could proffessionally grow into this job, but I would be personally stunted.

again, I am good at it, I get things done, I have areas to tweak, but soon even that will be taken care of.

Fortunately and gratefully, I have the freedom to decide that "this is not where I should be". I do not have any major responsibilities other than those that pertain to maintaining an apartment(s) and paying back student loans. I do not have outstanding credit of any kind. I do not have kids and the financial mess that comes with that, I do not have car payments or needy family/friends. Everything is cool.

I could do this job for a long as I had to. But since I don't Have to, why not take the risk to pursue something that is me. Companies need people like me-- companies also need people who aren't me. I just need to pair myself with somehtig more suitable. I like the unknown, I like trying something new, I am not afraid of failing by doing, I am afraid of failing by not doing- not trying something- by accppting the notion that, 'this is as good as it gets'.

It takes a strong person to go after what you want, to figure out what it is, and to take off in that direction especially if there is resistance. You learn to behave, think and act in a certain manner. Well, I always encourage that you unlearn. I also scoff at societal expectations. I don't label myself a non-conformist, but some of my thoughts/behaviors are in line with that. heh, I don't conform to non conformity-- but I digress.

I wouldnt put as much thought and effort into any of this if I felt that I am where I should be at. It is through all of my thought and discussions that I have come to realize that these past few months aren't a "growing pain" of learning a new job, its simply not me.

The best parts of me on this job are the parts that require decisive action, picking though the mess, inspiring others, questioning authority and rebuilding a part of the company that has been a total mess.

Abused employees have been warming up and trusting me. I do not want to leave them hanging-- they need to know that this rollercoaster ride is going somewhere great. And so, I work to empower them to have the voice and behaviors needed to go in the direction that they want that part of the company to go. Let me guide and then let go..

ofcourse I could list off all of the mundane and ridiculous elements- but I do not want to perseverate on the negative. I want to focus on the future and finding the place that I should be. Finding myself again, "in my element" and thats an awesome place to be.


so with my greatest affection, I am very pleased with (e:ladycroft) s post. Finding a part of you that fits really well somewhere is part of the excavation of life and personal contentment.


(deja vous--- been having that a lot lately.)


and so, although I am quite certain that I know that I am not where I should be..

I am quite uncertain of where I should be heading..

guess that is what weekend #4 is for?

and continued bits if thoughts, experience and advice from family-friends...

good night

Fuck

I think I have a mouse in the house.

Not running free through the apartment, but quite possibly in the walls or in the attic-- ew oh jeez- maybe both.

EEK!

and maybe it is something creepier than that!

All I know is that I heard something scratching at the wall in my bedroom while I was trying to sleep. Thinking that maybe my cat was trying to catch a little bug or dust bunny, I tried to ignore it. I continued to hear this scratching sound coming from above. In the darkness, I could make out my cat sitting on my dresser, staring at something. I decided to turn on the bedroom light to make sure it wasnt something super creepy dangling over my head.

I didn't see anything.

But I still heard the scratching-- and it wasnt the cat.

UGH. I don't know what it is, but I know that I AM NOT going to go and investigate it myself.

My apartment is very 'solid'. I don't know how whatever it is got in. And whatever it is should figure how to get back out.

Whatever it is, just wants to be warm. However, I care not to make a snuggly home for unknown creatures.

I am sleeping on the couch tonoght, as I can't bear to be up all night thinking about some creepy thing lurking in my walls.-- that and the fact that I am such a light sleeper, that any noise will wake me/keep me awake.

I know that I have had atleast one small (almost cute) mouse per autumn. Just one. And my cat does nothing to help me out. Just torments the hell out of it, and leaves it shaking and soggy of cat saliva.

I think its a mouse.. I thnink its a small almost cute mousey.

time to call the landlord..? I am such a scaredy cat.

good night.

I have seen this before. True or not, I am enjoying its logic tonight.

WATER
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of
water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more
than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we
are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

WINE
We do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka,
beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation
process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = Poop

WINE = HEALTH
FREE YOURSELF OF POOP ... DRINK WINE

It is better to drink wine and talk shit than it is to drink water
and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am
doing it as a public service and because I have a kind heart.

Onto other news:

• enjoying many of the loose teas that I purchased at Orange Cat cafe (Lewiston, NY) Supporting the local business..

• worked on various projects in my Y-Town home. Last weekend I secluded myself from everyone and spent some serious time thinking- no distractions. This weekend, I have taken some of what I concluded from last weekend and began acting upon it. Multiple things going on, its good to do them from one place. I also made "chili" and cleaned. Feeling rather good and relaxed.

• spent time with (e:pyrcedgrrl) - lots of good convo and venting. Thanks.

• spent time with mon mere this evening. A lot of excellent conversation. Good mother/daughter stuff. I filled her in on the future direction of me. Prior to her leaving, she thanked me for it. I had a quizzical expression on my face and she replied that, "sometimes you are... unreachable".

It isn't on purpose-- I just live in side my head. It is easy for me to take in all of the information, but I don't share the output. Sometimes you just have to ask. It may throw me off, I may get flustered but I will articulate, eventually. I can talk about anything-- except myself.- the inner working of my mind. Well, some people can pull my thoughts out..

but I retreat easily.

Anyway, my mom is amzaingly smart,, perceptive and very much in the know.

I noticed that she still has the (e:strip) bumper sticker that I placed on her car over the summer. She wasnt going to keep it on there, but she has. cute. As of recently, she finally owns her first computer-- but still does not have online access. Where she lives, she can not get DSL. I doubt she would spring for cable. I see dial-up in her future. eek.

• enjoyed a bit of a French lesson this evening as well. I am always open to trying new things. Learning another language to the point of being able to effectively use and understand it, is on my "to do" list. As always, when I am conversing with someone who is originally from another continent, it is intriging to learn about them in a way that is different than learning about,say, the neighbors.

• I must make a shopping trip to Comp USA and Best Buy. I still need to fondle cameras and I am looking for a better web cam/microphone.

• I have the munchies but nothing to munch on. The thing about Y-town is that there aren't any stores open past 9/10 pm. I suppose its a good thing as I don't need to munch on anything at this moment..

no, wait.. I have Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp! sweet.

Hope all is well
Carey

Stepped outside around 2 am and looked up at the stars- a simple and fond pleasure. It was a clear night, I could see many contellations. The added bonus of fresh sweet air gave me a lift.

I was contemplating the history of SPACE travel during part of this veiwing and I thought more about the condition of the space crafts that have been used through NASA. The fleets are original and many of the same problems exist on them- sealant rings and such, and their technology seems to be suspended in time. But thats just NASA. I had been reading about 'talks' of modernization--

such as, Lockheed Martin has a bid on creating an updatedspace shuttle. Before Lockheed and Martin merged, it was Lockheed who was part of the technology in creating the fleet of ships that comprised the Challenger and Discovery.

Well, I just woke up and am not quite prepared to go into detail, but I see that (e:paul) wtote about spaceshuttles. Instead of leaving a comment, I make a quick post instead.

So yeh, funny that you mention it :) There is plenty of space innovation, but through other companies, some privately held, others, just keeping it private- for now. Or one who is interested in science will find updates in related magazines, and online media.

Companies working at making it happen- SpaceShipTwo of Virgin Glactic- for space tourism (test flights begiining end of next year/early '08), Space Ports (New Mexico based commercial space flight program), Liftport Group for space elevators.. etc These companies are focusing on the commercial tourist element of space travel.

So what of companies looking to enhance space research?


I have been tracking Jeff Bezos, founder and CEO of Amazon.com for several years. Primarily due to his entreprenureal spirit and how he developed over the years- but more recently,2-3 years, I have focused on his space vehicle production and space colony aspirations. I know that this has been moving forward, but in light of pauls post, I want to link some of the relevant articles here- or just go to a Yahoo! or Google search :)

Under the banner of a Seattle-area company called Blue Origin, a spacecraft dubbed the New Shepard Reusable Launch Vehicle would take off vertically, like NASA's space shuttle. But unlike the shuttle, which glides to earth and lands like an airplane, the spaceship would land vertically.

The developer, Blue Origin, created by Jeff (and they are hiring!)


Blue Origin design-- a sketch, not final



and again, we have Lockheed Martin..

and NASA is beginning to work on their efforts to be on the leading edge- by outsourcing. I have read (and have been informed by ex NASA personnel) that there is a plan. From what I could gather from reading, it appears that they are encouraging other companies to create new space systems. Perhaps this explains part of the increase in private companies involvement in space business-- or they are completley independent of NASA influence and it is NASA responding to them. hmmmm.

Either way, NASA is indeed pulling away from the 'one size fits all' design of the prior archaic fleet and create something that will fit a couple of purposes:

A Crew Transfer Vehicle (CTV) would move people from earth to orbit, using the space station as a transit point. A second vehicle, the Crew Exploration Vehicle, or CEV, would stay in space and be used for orbital work (repairing satellites, weather and astronomy studies, etc.) and for trips to and from the moon.

Lockheed Martin design


Think I'll search for a NASA design..

yes, and this was going to be just a 'comment'.


later peeps-- off from work today, hurray! (e:pyrcedgrrl) is joingin me at my place for some Lychee Black tea. It iis from some of the booty I brought back from NYC.

I need to travel more and soon.. suggestions?

I had to have hamburger helper today. I stopped at a grocery store to pick up an assortment of veggies and beans for 'chili' that I intend to make soon. I get out of work so late at times, that I am famished by the time I get home. Stopping at the store delayed my home time even more. While in the store, I felt my hunger increasing with every step. I couldn't hold off for chili, even if I did happen to make it tonight. I happened upon a box of cheesburger hamburger helper and it sounded great. Now I havent had this in years.. and it never actually tasted that good to me.

but damn i was hungry and it looked like somehting that would be quick and fabulous. I picked up ground turkey as the meat.

It was pretty good, although I am dying of thirst now from the overload of salt- ugh-why so much.

ok, boring, who cares. ha.

The only other thing on my mind is work and the great sense of disonance I have been feeling for awhile- on many levels- personal and professional.

so its easier to write about hamburger helper.

gonna go guzzle a gallon of aqua..

night!

BING
BING BING BING BOING BOING BING!!

I have so much energy I do not know what to do with myself.

I woke up on the right side of the bed.

Mental clarity

Patience

problem solving

wit

laughing- cracking myself up and others.

racing thoughts

feeling pleasant- not a drop of annoyance

talking a million miles a minute if there were such a thing--full of enthusiasm, energy, elation, creativity, risk taking and I suppose, strangely, a sense of calm.



I FEEL LIKE MYSELF!

Please don't go away- its been so many weeks--

I am never quite in a "bad mood". My "down" or "blah" is just about everyone elses "normal".

I am usually
UP
up
up

Not annoyingly cheerful-- just delightful obnoxious.

heh, not, "looks like somebody has a case of the mondays" cheerful

more like, Carey's a nut. try to keep up.

A sstate of mind and being that many people have to pay for.

I think the 'dip" down is job related.. and finishing school.. and not having a transition fom one to the other. Not complaining for I am very grateful.. But thinking over the time line-- 8 weeks.. I ve been running on mediocre. Again, my feeling of 'down' is everyones 'normal'.. other peoples 'high' is my normal-- which is how I feel today. My 'high' is well, bliss.

.. yet I have been in a flux, and unbalance, feeling my creativity and energy sucked out of me through a vortex (i like that word) of unsatisfying employment and feeling in general that I need to be doing "more" not feeling like I have a place

can't quite say unsatisfying. I dig certain elelments of it.. The chaos, the change, the tearing down and rebuilding..

but not the nit picking details

not the thousands of "everything needs immediate attention"

not the abuse and exploitation of my beloved staff/employees who are rightfully scared of the the changes, the long history of mistrust (that I have stepped into) and that they are working on getting over. I will go to battle for them.. and I have

but its hard to be assertive while you are still fresh and learning.

But I have a voice, and I am asserting it.. not sure what reputation I am building.. I am doing it for the greater good, not for me. It isn't about me.

overheard people talking about me.. "what a mess she was thrown into.. Im glad she is here.. she is actually nice and fun"

really? I feel like I have been so.. blah..

no wonders i made some people choke with laughter today.. they got to see ME. Which was nice.. noticed how it energized others. hmmm

I am scattered in my writing.. My thoughts are clearer than this, but I can't type fast enough and I need to be doing something to calm my brain down.. BOING BPINBG BOING

I should be writing-- really writing, painitng, drawing, scaling a mountain, jumping on a plane and going.. somewhere.

my muse is around corner, i just don't knwo what or where..

I had received this from my AUnt/Uncle as part of a graduation gift, which I have on my desk at work, a small but super heavy metal block that asks,

"what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"

well, what woudl you do??

If I can answer that, I will know my next step.

I needed today, a return to 'me' to remind myself of this question.

remember, anything is possible.. nothing is impossible