anyone get random site messages in their inbox today? i am trying to decipher if one I got is real- i hate to respond if its bait. My curiosity will ofcourse lead me to respond.

Nice warmish sunny first day of Winter! Would have been a great hiking day-- I miss getting home in time to go for for some fresh air.

There has been so much junk food around work lately. I havent had much time or interest in consuming any of it (although I did decapitate a sugar cookie snowman)- junk food tastes best vegging on the couch after a long day of work. yup. *heats up pizza* *will finish off said decapitated snowman*

Getting home at 7:30 tonight bites.. I have some things I really want to do (MAKE COOKIES) but I am not sure if I really want to start. I am set to go in to work a couple of hours early. My aim is to get out while it is still light out tomorrow. I'd like to get a head start on my weekend!
soooooo maybe some puttering and then off to bed with a good book. Snuggly warm is nice.

My cats tore open a gift already-- I now know that they have a taste for tissue paper. I found lumps of shredded and soggy red tissue paper all over the living room. As long as they had fun.. and as long as the recipient doesn't care for clawed wrapping, it was, um, personalized, yeh.

its weird when you peeps end up in my dreams.. dirty biotches.
j/k details allude me..must have been kinda lame.. boring biotches ;)

I want to see a movie soon- sometimes I go on Christmas. i think dejavu is on my to-see list. We don't do huge family gatherings, so i am usually pretty free for most holidays-- which has its good and bad points, i guess. Are there any other christmas loners out there?!


I have a little more shopping to do.. fun. I would usually be just thinking to start. This is so bizarre!

well, i think its time to constuctively occupy my time..

even if my outfit today did match the cutish purplish red car.

let me back up since yesterdays post.

I had to get my car in the shop- it needs a tune up and a general once-over before winter begins (does it begin Thurs or Fri?). It was running on 5 cylindars- if it dropped to four my car would have been toast. (My mom yelled at me kinda for it as if somehow it dropping a cyl was my fault) And this lack of one cyl was eating gas- I was getting half the gas mileage than I would normally.

ok, so my car was set to go in once I secured a 'loaner' car. I had it in the shop a couple of weeks ago to get inspected and to get a baseline of what needs to be done at this point in the mileage that its at. The loaners are usually provided to people with seriously damaged cars. Mine, well, just needed to go in for a few hours.

I was trying to wait for my holiday break to drop the car off, but with the ton of money I was putting into the gas tank, I asked (begged) for it to go in asap. My car went in Tueday morning. I picked up the loaner and headed to work.

This is where the loaner car fun-tales begins.

I am driving down the road and realized that the tank is on empty- like flashing empty gas tank symbol empty. I hope that I make it to a gas station- which is still several miles away. What if I hadn't noticed this, hmmm? ok, so I would be stuck on road having called and probably memorized AAA # by days end.

The car makes it to said gas station. I lock the doors like I normally would and go into the store and pay for 6 dollars worth of gas- I knew it wouldnt get me far, but that is all I had on me at the time.

I return to the car, stick the key into the lock and fail to get the door open. Stumped, I try the passenger side door. Same.

As all I brought into the store with me was 6 dollars, my phone and everything else was locked in the car. I go back into the store and borrow someones cell phone and a phonebook.

The shop people are initially stumped as well, until someone suggests that I try opening the back door as it sometimes does not lock and it triggers the other lock mechanisms to not work. huh, sure I should have thought of that?

ok, I try it and it works. That door just never locked- and I was told not to lock the doors for the remainder of my time with it.

not easy to try to break a habit.. but i did temporarily.

So now I am back on the road trying to not be late for work at this point.

Much later, when I get out of work-- which I had stayed late to finsih some projects. I took off from my office and headed out the door without my coat. I realized it a moment too late, as I was now locked out of the building- my key card is in the coat.

I go out to the car and open the unlocked door. No interior lights turn on. My fear of a dead battery is acknowledged. Key in ignition, it just barely registers signs of life.

A few attempts, crossed fingers and muffled swearings later, I call in to AAA. Of course it is freezing out. Ironically if I was in my car I would have everything and anything to pass the time and to keep toasty warm until help arrived. Atleast I was in a very safe spot. There is no seedy side to getzville that i am aware of.

an eternity later, the AAA man shows up and jumps the battery- Right now, I choose not to go into detail about how he tried to think that I am a helpless girl. i have learned to eviscerate only when absolutley necessary. lucky you AAA man.

more ironically, if this was a bad scenerio, the oncall administrator would be, well, me. ha. Not that car issues count, but I was in the work parking lot, so that counts, right?

so the guy tells me that the battery is bad (duh) and that I can not turn the car off until I get home (no stops-- not even for much needed gas) for it may not turn over again. mmm, i am not in the mood for that--if it was earlier, I may have taken the chance and stopped to get gas, but it was already approaching bed time at this point-- and I still had a way to go.

just want to go somehwere called home and be snuggly warm.

So I hope that the empty gas tank gets me home-- I have to go to Y-town, as I can't see myself leaving an unlocked, fairly loaded loaner car anywhere overnight. ANd if it happened to not start in the morning- from lack of battery or lack of gas-- being in Y-town would have some neighborly advantages.

I get home, its late, I am hungry- I eat (i think)and go to bed.

I arise early and get out the door in the event that the car would not start (gah, its a loaner for my car that is in the shop!)- fortunately it did-- and I made it to the local gas station, hurray!

Then I proceed to Orange Cat coffee house as I now had plenty of time before I had to be to work. What a great sunny day! The place was filling up rapidly with people I didn't feel like talking to, so i took my "tis the season" flavor cup of coffee outside to go for a short walk. I eventually make it back to my loaner car, it continues to start up, and I make my way to work. I still had a ton of time before I needed to be at work, so I debate on whether to go in early or stop at a store to grab a drink/breakfast. I opt for the latter.

dr pepper and granola bar- not quite what I had in mind, but it sufficed.

After pulling into the parking lot at work, I see that I still have 20 minutes- I choose to go in instead of wasting time in the car- wasting time has its merits, but enough time had been spent in loaner car. It is only when I am punching in and the clock says that I am on time, rather than 20 minutes early, that I realize that the loaner car clock is off by 20 minutes or more.

gah!

I may have noticed this if I left at my usual time this morning instead of extremely early.

so my poiint of all this?
I have my car back now. I had to pick it up on the way to a work meeting that took place in Lewiston-at the end of the day. It was REALLY nice to get home five minutes after the meeting let out- so although I put in a full work day, the extreme decrease in travel time made it feel short. And my mom wanted to come over to visit and for dinner, so it was also nice to start all that early as opposed to the usual lateness of my arrival home.

I really missed my car, even if it is very worn in looking, and even if only two out of four doors work-- even if my estrip bumber stickers are holding it all together--its atleast pretty reliable and it is my POS. how dare some other car make me call AAA on it.

It is just 700 miles away from hitting 200,000 miles. So, I'll hit that by the weekend, knowing my driving behavior ;)

Now its running on all six cyls, has a new ball joint, oil change and winter wipers. I am set for winter- bring it on.

Oncall duties are almost over.. just a couple more days. hurray!

I STILL need/want to make cookies. Maybe I will bust out the toaster oven and make just 4 cookies at a time-- think that will work? haha

PMT we need an oven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)


damn, i thought i had something else to write about. .


hahahaha, this week is just cracking me up.. bizarro stuff..

stay warm peeps :)

even if it is kinda cute and purple.

I am soooo freezing mmy ass off!!

I stayed at work late to finish a project. then I zip out the door w/o my jacket or pitstopping at the bathroom.

I get to my car, well, its a loaner from the shop while mines getting a tune up...and the battery is dead!

no one is here, so I call AAA.

I thought I would go back inside to wait in the warmth, and grab my jacket..but I don't have my card to get in! its probably in my jacket..in the building!

normally I am prepared for this stuff, but I don't have my car..which is full of amenities to keep me warm and entertained.

as always, Thank Paul for p:mobl!

brrrrr fiortuneatly I have a hat and scarf..i'm freezing, but its comforting to have the hat.

on my lunch today I went into a local small discount store. I picked up some girly hair accessories for my middle neice. There was just one of two registers open at the time; this is typical of this store.The check out line was long, but no one really had much in their shopping baskets.

While standing in line, I overheard two geriatric ladies complaining about the line. They were loud and incredibly negative. Their words were like nails on a chalkboard. I desperatly wanted to say something, shoot them death looks or throw something at them. Instead of contributing to the negativity, I decided to keep it to myself.

Actually, I thought to myself- that I never want to be that miserable and punitive in my words or behavior. Spiteful, angry, mean little women they were. We all complain, whine and moan about a variety of things, but i know never to the extent or seriousness that these women carried it out to.

They demanded that the other register open. They complained about service. They skulked around the front of the store trying to find someone to serve them. All the while everyone in line had to listen to them.

I thought that I never want to be like that now or ever. When I get to that age in my life, I hope I have maintained a good disposition. If I were to ever be that way, I would know that Ive lived a day too long.

Just as I am finishing that thought, a voice behind me echoes the same sentiment. An older lady (possibly not far behind in age of the octo-ogres) observed that she can't ever imagine being as rude and miserable as they are. I looked at her and thought her to be interesting. We chatted as though we have known each other for ages. Occasionally I have a conversation like that. It took me by surprise because it has been awhile. A random connection and it was nice. She was well dressed and coiffed- I like to see that. My elder family members are very classy, trendy, worldly and smart. I truly forget what the numbers are. Age really isn't anything in the grand scheme of things. Hopefully your age demonstates wisdom and awarness. Use it to propel forward, not hold yourself back. Some people move on and make a better world with their existence, others stay suspended in one period of time. You know who they are.

So anyway, I thought this woman to be delightfully (and refreshingly) classy and sassy. Well spoken and relaxed, she told me pointedly that if she were to ever utter such nonsense that hopefully some one would stick a gun up her other end and pull the trigger. I swear she could have been reciting poetry the way she said such a crass thing with such class.
We had a good giggle and bantered for a few minutes. She then helped me place my items on the counter to be scanned. The cashier, having been abused by the little wrinkled snot bags, began to scan items on the counter that werent mine.

I stopped her and said that such and such items are not mine. She demanded, no kidding, "WHAT?! they're not?? then whose are they??"

I retort with a mix of humor and annoyance, "I am not sure whose they are, but I can tell you that they are not mine!"

She then, with obvious dismay, pulled the said mystery items out of the bag and took them off my bill. As though I should be grateful?

I glanced at my line waiting companion- we exchanged looks and giggled. I thanked her for making me smile and sharing a good laugh.

Not sure how many decades are between us, but in those few moments there werent any.

I sometimes wonder what that connection feeling is about. The kind where that sense stems from not what you were talking about but just the moment you are in.
I talk to a lot of people. I am ofetn engaged in some sort of conversation no matter where I am at. People just manage to find me. *everywhere*

Sometimes the encounters feel generic and then there are those encounters that have a different, interesting quality to them. On most of these occasions my perception is tweaked- where I find myself contemplating it later.

I don't figure out any answers.. I just end up with more questions..





other random bits to the day:

• mondays suck. I think I said that last week-- just thought I wouold reitterate my point.

• my car goes in for a tune-up tomorrow. I got this squared away before I left work. I needed to figure out if I needed to stay in Y-Town or if I could go back to B-Lo as I had intended. Glad to have grabbed my book off my night stand, as I suddenly found myself having to stay in Y-town. Glad to get my car in though. Car running on 5 cyls makes for REALLY BAD gas mileage.

• I still havent gotton around to filling out christmas cards :(

• what are the rules of the Secret Santa? Is there a monetary limit or minimum? This will be fun :)

• and.. are we going to get snow anytime soon?

Earlier I wacked my little crooked pinky finger- don't recall exactly how I did it-- but it got cut and bruised. Bruised! It takes a lot for me to bruise, so i must have got it pretty hard. It is directly on the knuckle, ouchy!


I still havent gone down to my basement yet. I would have if it had been still light outside when I needed to go down there. Even though I can turn on lights and stuff, I am still super creeped out. It is like there are monsters under my bed.. and boogy men in my closet and EVIL CLOWNS, MONKIES AND BABIES in my basement!!!!!!!!!!

or not.

OR mayber there is..

SO I grabbbed some clothes before heading back into B-Lo. I had everything I needed except for socks. I had lots of socks inthe basement, where all of my clean clothes are.

I was not going down there, when its dark outside and my imagination is running rampant.

so I left the apartment without socks,

and I stopped at Target and bought two nice pairs of black dress socks.


My imagination may keep me from going into my basement, but it wont keep me from keeping my tootsies warms.


AH, WHile I was there.. I keep forgetting to buy a blush brush.

My cat Joe is fascinated with blush brushes. I may have mentioned this once or ten times before. He has managed to steal quite a few throughout his existence. He occasionally receives them now as gifts. Traditional cat toys? not him. SO over the weekend, I washed my large nice one- and I put it up and away and did not think he would be able to get to it-- or even know to look for it.

but he found it.

and now it is gone-- can't find it anywhere-- and its a long handled floofy brush.

booger. I better hope my fresh pink cheeked complexion returns by morning. I continue to feel better, btw-- still had not tuned into anything.If I begin to feel sick at work again and get progressively worse by the weeks end (like last weeks progression), then I will have to wonder if I am not just sick of work ;)

work allergies, thats real, right?

Phantom Rings in the Dark: reach out and touch someone

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

CHeck this out:
The power was out in Youngstown yesterday. It flickered on and off for a couple of hours, then while I am in the Red Room* blow-drying the plastic on the window (we better have a damn cold window after all this effort!!!) the lights went out. Image of girl standing at window in complete darkness with blowdrier in hand flashed through my mind.

• super cozy room in my apartment with comfy furniture, fireplace, ambiance and a great big red wall. love it. you love it too!

Through my window I was looking out of, all of the neighbors have holiday lights- so when the power went out, the blanket of darkness through my apartment and the Village was defined. I had a couple of candles lit in another room already, so I worked my way through the apartment by their glow. The power continued to stay off so I located my flashlight and proceeded to clean up my mess and put away cords. I knew it wouldnt be long before I began tripping over everything and try to 'flick' the power switches to their on position.

Boredom quickly set in.

Tossing a log in the fireplace and relaxing to the flames could have been a nice diversion-- but I was far from ready to settle down for the evening.

Back up:
Earlier in the day I made a run to the hardware store to buy remaining weatherstripping needed for a drafty door. I also purchased a phone cord for a regular corded phone in the event of a power outage. Weird timing, huh? My cordless phones suck (SUCK!) and I knew I had a regular phone somewhere that I had been tempted to start using (we'll see how long that lasts- keep me bound to one spot? heh). Also, cordless phones do not work when the power goes out. Cellphones not so reliable at that point either. Cellphones in Youngstown with power out even less so. Hello Canada. So I bought a 25' cord. And I made my way down to the basement where I knew I had a phone, that I bought for the basement when I first moved in three years ago. Three years, two months, 15 days.

It had been collecting dust for three years, as the phone line down stairs never worked. I concluded that that line may have been a secondary or business line (as the rooms looked like an office). I just kept it there, so I would always know where it was if I needed it. Totally logical, totally worked for me.

Well, I needed it last night. I knew where to find it. Found it. It was still plugged in. I went to pick up the phone, which it came off the receiver-- and I heard a little girl laughing. WHAT?!

ok, creepy. CREEPY!

i am in the very dark basement, by myelf, I pick up an old dusty phone from what I had pereived to have always been a *dead* line, --and I hear a little girl giggling. GUH!

goosebumps..

I think I would have lost it, if another voice hadn't appeared. Not that hearing another voice should be comforting, but anything would be better than little girl giggles among static. ick.

I put my ear to the phone and listened. The convo was extremely clear-A lady was asking a guy if he had power-- which he did. She said that Y-town has been in the dark for over an hour, etc. She was the one that made the call, and she was as clear as if I had picked up another phone in her home. He sounded further away. So what is this all about??

I am completely confused- this is not coming off of my line-

so I listen for a few more seconds until I feel a bit dirty listening in- not that what they were talking about was at all scandalous (damn my luck!). I should have said something.. so I would know if they heard me. Actually, if I had my wits about me, I would have been a bit witty and said something or made some sort of sound to mess with them (damn my scaredy cat-ness!) Maybe they heard the phone set down. Or maybe not.


Is this a live/active line? Did I just pick up a conversation or is this really someones phone line? I will try it out today.. Maybe it wont even register unless it is being actively used by someone at that time that I try. hMMmmmmm...

what is weird, is that although the other apartment and mine are very solid- sounds rarely come through, except for sound sin the basement. I think the accoustics in the basement must come up weird. We have completely separate basements- separate doors, separate everything. Mine has multiple rooms, the other one is a big open space. Both are cool- and totally live-able. Basements creep me out-- but these are ones you could live in. So anyway, the sounds that occur in the basement, regarless of what side, sometimes sound like they are right below me. OR MAYBE THEY ARE! I am a scaredy cat- I can think of these things in the day light, and I will delude myself into thinking that the noises below me are cming from the otherside. But now with this, I do not know. I have to think about that one more (while its still safe and daylight)

I had thought I had heard a phone ringing in my basement before. And I figured it to be the neighbors phone. The sound of the phone ringing is occasional. Come to think of it, I have been in my neighbors apartment, and I think he only has a cell phone.. mmmm MYSTERY!

so I have a phantom phone, or that dead line is really alive and I am about to make some international phone calls WOOOOOOO!

um, who should i call?

I really need to investigate this further-- it kinda freaks me out, though. i really hate basements. even mine. especially mine, now.

Any ideas, thoughts, comments regarding my Mystery Phone?



Continuing on the Communication theme..

Found myself suddenly "on call" this weekend and all of next week. For those who have been around me in past 'on call' weeks, I check the phone constantly (under minimal circumstance can the call reach a voice mail--expected to be answered immediately, naturally), I carry a work-binder and am generally ill at ease. over 350 families, 100 staff and anyone else could call at any time in some sort of situation.
So I don't drink, stay up late or put myself in noisy situations (the vibrate option sucks). I am "working" 24-7 for a week or more per month.

let me say, my social life bites at this point- atleast when it comes to the loud debauchary sort of social activities :)

• Damn 46 oz margaritas look fan-fuckin'-tastic (congrats on end of semester (e:brit) !)
  
• and OPM lounge sounded great too. gah! me like to dance!

I consoled myself in the knowledge that I should relax so I don't get really sick. I have been hanging delicately to the healthy me. Fortunately it has all been more in my favor- although I have felt not quite right since last friday. And I did take a day off from work to 'get better" since I had slight fever Thurs-- but it ended. Friday was fatigue and a headache and a bit sneezy-- but it is generally feeling gone again. Today I am feeling pretty great-- SO I am doing something right--i usually don't get full on sick. my immune system kicks ass! I am thinking it will pass it again, as long as I treat myself ok.

but oh, abuse in the form of 46 oz margaritas sounds sublime..

I wouldnt care if it werent for the holidays coming up!

so anyway, I was tossed the on-call phone and binder on Thursday morning, 4 days ahead of schedule. I wanted to make a comment,to freak out- but decided that nothing good would come out of my mouth and that I will be more selective in my battles. I just didn't feel like getting worked up over it, even though its 4 DAYS extra and I WASNT EVEN ASKED- not even out of politness. If I had major plans, then oh yes, everyone would hear about it. indeed. Just tossed on my work desk with a note.

Oh, the "note" left for me regarding it irked me too. tacky- gah!


and one more on the communication front:
mad-cute guy I met quite awhile back has become clingy. Phones messages are becoming sappy/whiny. He is hotty hot cute- yet there isn't much backing it up at this point, like nothing we can relate on at all, so I am bored now. ho-hum. I know better than this.

distraction over. next?


and finally:

I might just get out and do some Christmas shopping today. I do not want to leave the house-- just chill and do some apartment maintenance stuff- and read and write out christmas cards, ect.. totally digging the house projects.

I really am in the mood for christmas cards. I need your addresses so I can stalk you send a card. hehe! Seriously, leave a post it. I can't believe how mnay peeps addys I do not know, even though I have been over. I could do some super sleuth drive bys. crazy!! Some I already know, as long as I don't invert the house numbers ( (e:leetee) )- and it goes somewhere so very different, ha! Some I ofcourse know where you live, but have no idea the actual address. Until recently I didn't even know dana's adrress. and (e:ldaycroft) you'll get one sent to your parents if I don't know your address!! :)

but what is making me eager to go shopping (SHHH I DID NOT JUST SAY THAT) is that I want to see wrapped gifts under my tree. (e:pyrcedgrrl) has lots of gifts under her tree (a good percentage for ME ME ME right?!) and it looks pretty. sparkly. christmasy.

and since I am trying to get into the holiday mood-- this may actually help.

oh and I have a slew of last years gift cards to use-- so while I am buying for others, I will finally buy for me :) I have immediate tangible reinforcers built into this plan. especially since it is a saturday-- getting very close to christmas.

AND I thought while i am out, I can grab cookie making ingredients. First i need to find recipes- with pictures. (Yes i need pictures, shut up.)

anyone who wants to make cookies this evening, come on over.

or maybe I will go out anways, on call phone and binder in tow.

I do not know. gah! But I need some socializing before I start hoping for more phantom phone calls.


OOOOOH LOOK:

maybe I will do THAT. Now that might be wicked cool-- then have some hot cocoa afterwards-- sans Baileys :(

hehe, or maybe just a wee little..





b tw, new user song, The Fray- How to Save a Life.

nice sound, I am digging them at the moment.

My hopes were shattered.. (e:joshua) , I went to Timmy HOs today and I DID NOT get a key chain. I did however, get a medium black coffee and also splurged on a small "buttercaramel smoothee" (hot sugar water). Extreme ends of the flavor spectrum.. gave me the boost I needed to get through the day.

been sleeping (almost) 10 hours (a night for the past few nights).. still not quite feeling right..

feel achy tonight. slight fever now too.

Damn germs are evrywhere!!! Maybe I can fend it off for good-- more sleep, rest and no craziness, if I can help it. Might need to just bury myself under the covers for a couple of days. I am actually calling in sick. That just feels soooooo weird. I do not like it. I was going to wait until the morning, but I know I would just get up and go to work.. and I would get through the day.. and continue to wear myself out and perpetuate the feel slightly better/feel a whole lot worse cycle.

And I feel mentally bad too. icky

I eat more when I am icky feeling. I think it is some attempt to boost happy neurtransmitters. Like all week, its insane

Ever stop and have this fear that all that you are, all that you believe yourself to be, all that you think you can do and will do is ALL ONE BIG FAT LIE?

Like if you stop and really contemplate the gravity of such a thought, then you know your world could very much come crumbling down around you?

that thought crossed my mind two days ago, and I have been perseverating on it ever since. Not so much a good thing- -yet good in other ways.

I don't feel like being positive right now. Fever is good for me. But i have so mcuh to get right, to fix, to figure out, to let go and to go after..

once the whirling stops, I have to focus, find direction and meaning- -and some semblance of having control again. I let it spin away from me. bad me.

I feel like flat pop.

but just for now.

fever is talking.
going to sleep myself better. (e:vincent) it really was a perfect night for a walk.. I just got your message-- phone was on silent :(

Not sure if I can recall the last time I bought a CD. Other than an occasional splurge from Record Theater..

Not sure if BMG counts.

I had subscribed to them on and off since being in highschool. The last time may have been 3-4 years ago. Back then I opted out of receiving the 'music card' in the mail (the one you had to return or they sent you a CD..) and instead get junk email from them.

Well, I decided recently to check out their site. I managed to remember my log in information and found out that I had a slew of unused music points- 5 cds worth. I decided that the 2.49 shipping per cd was worth checking out their inventory. So 5 randomm cds and 15.00 later.. I have extended my CD collection.

Mark Minkowski (conductor) Mozart Jupitor Symphonies #40, 41. Les Musiciens Du Louvre

Camille (french artist) French punk rock. "a distinctive voice that's both delicate and a tad deranged." Havent listened to it yet..

Music for Dreaming- a mixed Cd- Mozert. pachelbel, Bach, Grieg,Mendelssohn, Massenet, etc

I don't remember what the other two are.. I am thinking something in the trance--techno genre and perhaps some Harry Connick Jr.

My access to Limewire has been screwy lately, so not much downloading going on.


Christmas is less than two weeks away..

Christmas cookies are evil. I can not resist their tempation. Hell, I rarely resist my temptations of any sort.. but cookies, I will eat them until I am sick. So I may or may not get baking soon, if at all.

yeh, maybe I will.


might not fit through the door after its all over..

but thats what some major XC skiing will take care of!!!

woo-- I can't hardly wait!


and a few cartoons to enjoy:

• snicker*

Monday is over.

Mondays are bummer because they can't feel like any other day of the week. They certainly don't feel like Sundays (assuming a M-F job) and if it felt like any other day of the week, that would be depressing, since, well it is only Monday.

I have Emergency Response Training tomorrow. I am beginning my training as first responder of the sort. Little bit more than your CPR/First Aid stuff. I'll have to carry a pager now. ew.

I like having responsibility in the fact that it forces me to learn and be on top of new things.

I like to be in control. The kind of control that allows me to be able to make decisions, act on them and carry them out with confidence. I do not mean the 'my way or highway' kind of control. I have no problem with someone taking lead on something. Go with your strengths and balance out the weakness. I just don't ever want to feel helpless. So I can totally step back and allow someone to take over-- but I need to be able to have the skills to step up as well.

So this additional responsibility just adds to my repertoire.

but it takes away from the time I have to do my other duties..

Boss asked me if I thought that the multiple programs are structurally sound. If perhaps how they are structured and layered should be re evaluated. I nod my head. I can tell you all about it dear boss...I really should get into the consulting business..

or continue to work like mad on my own.

Found out my boss needs to take a 6 week leave, starting in january. I had pegged this time frame for one that would surface a more schedule friendly job- and one closer to home (either home). Now I will need to delay my personal interest for the greater good. I could not take off while she is gone. There is too much at stake too much going on-- too much that will hang in a delicate balance. Damn my morals and sense of responsibility!!

I am doing good stuff-- it is nice to see efforts come to fruition. Morale is increasig and people both internal and external to the company are happy- for now. I love having the high level responsibilities--

but I don't love the day to day detail and annoyances. Where many of the problems I just don't care. I see them getting old, quick.I need to love it again. I have always been fortunate in my ability to love my job. I only moved on once the learning stopped..

When I love something, I put my all into it. There is no turning back as my perseverence, energy and passion keep me going strong..

..not sure how much of any of that I have. Just continuing to be honest with myself.

I also miss the comradery. I didn't realize how much I had fun with my coworkers of jobs past until this one. I share a great proffesional rapport with people now. But it is with my staff that I get the best energy and shared laughs. There is a sense of humor and a "we'll get through this despite it all" .

I hate being in the middle of "them" and "us" --I am not sure which one I am.

ahhh, so I am done with the freaking out anxiety stage. It is all good from here on out. I will continue to make observations and reflections, but it is no longer under the whining/trying to figure out what the hells wrong category of writing/talking/thinking.

They know I wont back down on what I find important.

and I know I wont back down on what I have figured out about myself.

Onward and upward.

peace.

omg I am tired. Tried to go to bed around 5:30am- but found myself unable to sleep--the clock was ticking off minutes closer to 6:30 when i finally dozed off. Got up at 9:45am and cleaned myself up and then tackled the mess. I should have taken a post-party picture!


I was well humored last night- thanks (e:enknot) !

From what I recall, I did a lot of running..

• Running to people I havent seen in awhile and away from others (just being silly)

• Running to my room a few times- for good conversation, for research (I couldn't refrain myself) and for fresh air--cigarettes are gross. I know it wasnt any of you peeps who were smoking, hmmmm? I know you all read the stories from doctor jenks. Dont smoke- you don't want your jaw chopped off! (love the gross-cool stories, btw)

Great catching up on everything, (e:ladycroft) ! Lots of laughs and the fun that I am used to having- ha!

• Running up and down all of the stairs in the Mansion to find the source of burning plastic smell. Wasnt sure if I was imagining things- so I kept at it until it was figured out-- with help of (e:paul) . I would hate to have had found a fire!-- would have really hated to have had to call the Buffalo Fire Department..MMmmmmm yummy.. ;)

• Running (ok, jogging, skipping, walking) to NY Pizza. It suddenly seemed like a good idea. Boo to being carded at Frizzies. I knew I should have grabbed my ID. Pink was too far away after a drunken run/walk/skip/jog in the cold for pizza. At the Pink you never (rarely) need your card-- you just need to look atleast 12.

btw, shopping carts do not make for successful transportation.

• Running away from the papparazzi Peterazzi --hehe! You do a great job of getting pics of the parties from beginning to end- I just cringe when i see the ones of me! :) I forgot about the banner- so cool that you got a picture of that!! You need your own special party picture blog called The Peterazzi ;)

• Running in front of/jumping into pictures for the Peterazzi. Say what?!?! --when you are buzzed nothing you do needs to actually make any sense..

It had been a long while since I had a drink- or more than one. My grand total was a measly 4 drinks over the course of 5 hours- but it got the job done. Cappuchino with a splash of rum, a can of Sparks that (e:ladycroft) shared with me, and two other rum/coke drinks. Wonder what the coke to rum ratio was? I was thrilled to be feeling much better than what I had on Thursday night/Friday. It never went past being super tired/dizzy-which was enough, but it could have turned into something more. Heck, after last night it just might. Better get back to those Airborne tablets pronto.


I did a tiny bit of Christmas shopping this afternoon. Then I came home to Youngstown and vegged infront of the tv to movie on HBO- "something the lord made" a a fact based drama about the pioneering of heart surgery.

synopsis (this movie moved me):
    

SOMETHING THE LORD MADE is a moving story of men who defy the rules and start a medical revolution. Their patients are known as the "blue babies" - infants suffering from a congenital heart defect that turns them blue as they slowly suffocate.

Alfred Blalock (Alan Rickman) and Vivien Thomas (Mos Def) make a brilliant team. But even as they race against time to save one particular baby, the two occupy different places in society. Blalock is the white, wealthy head of surgery at Johns Hopkins Hospital. Thomas is black and poor, a skilled carpenter whose dream of going to college and becoming a doctor was ruined by the Great Depression, although he was naturally gifted with the intuition and dexterity of a great surgeon.

Even as they save lives and invent a whole new field of medicine, social pressures threaten to tear them apart. Ultimately, however, Thomas finds his dreams coming true in unexpected ways.

After that, I put a log on the fire and fell asleep for two hours. Very nice!

It was a nice weekend- in many many ways. I hate to see it over already...


Anyway, I am curious about other pictures that will eventually surface on here. I hope everyone is doing well. Again, Happy 30ish Birthday, birthday boy!