The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and Irish Rail:

Gentlemen,
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Larnrod Eireann.

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

I said "Royale with Cheese"

Where does George Bush stand on Roe v. Wade?

He doesn't care how you leave New Orleans

You know you're living in 2005 when...

1 You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3 You have a list of 16 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4 You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5 Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have
e-mail addresses.

6 When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
business manner.

7 When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial " 0 " to get an
outside line.

8 You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different
companies.

10 You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news .

11 Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12 Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards. AND..............

13 You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14 As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."

15 You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except
to send you jokes from the net.

16 You are too busy to notice there was no #9

17 You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9

18 AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself

1 You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3 You have a list of 16 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4 You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5 Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have
e-mail addresses.

6 When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
business manner.

7 When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial " 0 " to get an
outside line.

8 You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different
companies.

10 You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news .

11 Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12 Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards. AND..............

13 You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14 As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."

15 You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except
to send you jokes from the net.

16 You are too busy to notice there was no #9

17 You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9

18 AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself

The email these came in said that they are "actual Federal government
employee evaluations". I kind of doubt it. But they are funny as hell!
Enjoy!

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and
has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't-be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

14. "He's been working with glue too much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
one."

19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."

23. "He's got two brain cells; one is lost and the other is out
looking for it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."

29. "Some drank from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 Minutes'."

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

You will never play professional basketball
You swear very well
At least one of your cousins holds political office
You think you sing very well
You have no idea how to make a long story short
You are very good at playing a lot of very bad golf
There isn't a huge difference between losing your temper and killing someone
Much of your food was boiled
You have never hit your head on the ceiling
You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling
You're strangely poetic after a few beers
You're poetic a lot
You will be punched for no good reason...a lot
Some punches directed at you are legacies from past generations
Your sister will punch you because your brother punched her
Many of your sisters are Catherine, Elizabeth or Mary...and one is Mary Catherine Elizabeth
Someone in your family is incredibly cheap
It is more than likely you
You don't know the words but that doesn't stop you from singing
You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking so you can start talking
"Irish Stew" is the euphemism for "boiled leftovers from the fridge"
You're not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency
There wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last kegger party
You are, or know someone, named "Murph"
If you don't know Murph, then you know "Mac"
If you don't know Murph or Mac, then you know "Sully"
You'll probably also know Sully McMurphy
You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret
Your parents were on a first name basis with everyone at the local emergency room
And last but not least... Being Irish means...
your attention span is so short that---oh, forget it.

By the way, I'm Irish...fyi

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars.

Q: How many West Siders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss'
secretary's sister's next door neighbor's priest's cousin's union
shop steward's uncle's Knights of Columbus Club Sergeant-at-Arms'
nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.

Q: How many Delaware District residents does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it
will be architecturally accurate.

Q: How many Riverside residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - Satan prefers black candles instead.

Q: How many South Buffalonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two - one to hold the bulb, the other to give the first guy pints
of Guinness to start him spinning.

Q: How many Williamsville/Amherst residents does it take to screw in a
light
bulb?
A: None - they have a service come in once a week and do it.

Q: How many East Amherst residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, and it will be the biggest and brightest light bulb in the
entire subdivision!

Q: How many Orchard Park residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Light bulbs? ... that's so Amherst. We're above that.

Q: How many Kenmore residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two - one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too fast.

Q: How many Tonawanda residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.

Q: How many Lancaster residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - they're afraid there's been too much light bulb development
already.

Q: How many Hamburg residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two - one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and one to screw it
in.

Q: How many Southtowners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fifty-one - one to screw in the light bulb, and fifty members of Spirit
of
Youth to sing a happy song about it at the Erie County Fair.

Q: How many BuffaloCity planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way
100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write a series of articles in the
Buffalo News praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt bulb instead.

Q: How many Buffalo municipal employees does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light
Bulb
Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends up
hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor's
driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a
union steward to protest that it's the electrician's job to screw in light
bulbs.

Q: How many Buffalo senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but they pay a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.

Q: How many of Buffalo's Protestants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sixty-one - one to screw in the bulb, and sixty to comment about
how much brighter the bulb is, than light bulbs in Buffalo.

Q: How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but they leave the old bulb in the parking lot of the Galleria
Mall.

Q: How many Nardin Academy students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one - - she holds up the bulb, and the world revolves around her.

Q: How many Canisius College students does it to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine - one to order the bulb from J. Crew, one to buy a case of Molson,
one to hold the bulb up, one to drive the Saab in real tight circles and
five to stand around and say "duuuuuude.".

Q: How many UB students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 25,000 - twenty to write the grant proposal requesting funds to study
the effect of earthquakes on light bulbs, one to screw in the bulb, and
24,979 to whine about how Buffalo light bulbs suck compared to those
back on Long Island.

does it take to change a light bulb ??????

• Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a burned-out bulb?
  
• Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

• Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

• Rottweiler: Make me.

• Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

• Siberian Husky: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

• Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

• Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

• Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

• Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

• Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......

• Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

• Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

• Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this headache.....

• Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...

• Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

• Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....

• Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

• German Shepherd: Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID,"STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"

• Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

• Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?