I haven't been able to get into my post-its for a while. Last night I finally got in and there was a surprising message from a guest. It says, "love you more than you'll ever know". I can read that several different ways. Is it from a sibling, a friend, a stranger, guy, girl? No matter what the context, it made me smile. So I want to say thanks. I know it was sent last week, but I got to it at just the right time.

I'm back from Boston but I'll talk about it in a later post. There is something more pressing on my mind right now. The 'promotion' I got has bit me in the ass.

I was under the persuasion that I was taking on these responsibilities and would be compensated. Today I find out that instead of being paid the 2 grand, this job has been turned into a 3rd internship for me. I don't get paid and I have to complete an additional 120 hours. This means I'm going to be working full-time to the end of the semester and not getting one extra dime.

To say I'm disappointed is an understatement. I feel like I've just been given a prison sentence for a crime I didn't commit. I guess there is a reason I identify with La Femme Nikita.

Fuck me.

Recent details in my life:

My brother-in-law Casey just got done filming an episode of The Sopranos in NYC. He got to meet Steve Buchemi. Lucky. I'd post a pic but this computer refuses to cooperate on such a simple task.

Had lunch with (e:Chico) today. I always feel like I'm being naughty when I eat lunch in the faculty lounge! You see, you have to be super VIP like (e:Chico) to get in. It was nice to escape the chaos of my office for an hour today, so thanks again! Plus, we discovered we write our F's the same. Like this:


My co-worker, the one I said makes me want to hang myself, was demoted. On the flip side, I was promoted. I am taking over half of her job. I'm really hoping the pay will follow.

I making some progress with my inner self. I have clearly been set on the back burner by some people I thought were close friends. They would much rather spend their time with new found friends. The old me would have been hurt by this. The new me is cool with it. I know it's nothing I did. Humans in general like novelty. Toys, clothes, friends...it's all the same. But this new outlook does not negate 'the line'. You cross it too many times...you will never come back in my life.

I sat at home on v day and watched Breakfast at Tiffany's. No big deal.

I am going to Boston this weekend and I'm stoked. I really need a mental vaca and this is just the treat. I love Boston. I'll get to see my friends, visit old hang outs, and scout out some potential employment. This makes me very happy.

Keeping with the travel theme, I managed to bag my ticket for Europe at a fantastic $400!!! A long overdue visit to Germany and Poland coupled with visits to friends in Belgium and France, it should be a most enjoyable adventure. Besides, my passport is itching for more immigration stamps.

I miss some people.

It's 1:30am. My doorbell rang 3 times in rapid sequence. I thought somebody was dying in the street. So I scurry my self to the door in my jammies and a blanket. When who to my wondering eyes should appear...but a black man with a shovel, no tiny reindeer.

"I'm sorry to bother you"....stop right there. You're sure as shit not sorry; you may continue. "I just moved in across the street. My girlfriend ran out of diapers, my baby is just 7 months old. I really need to buy diapers at the gas station but I don't have enough money."

I think to myself, "Is this guy serious? He just rang my doorbell in the middle of the night 3 times, I don't even know him, and he wants me to give him money because he can't count diapers?"

Going back to bed, if I can fall asleep.

Why I can't wait to graduate:

My cohort is full of immature tards- someone actually threw a spit ball in class last night.

One of my co-workers makes me want to hang myself.

Grad students get the shaft at this school.

I will get paid what I deserve to do the same thing I do now.

13 years is a looooong ass time to be in higher education.

In other news, I went out with my landlord and his boyfriend last night. I had just finished my homework when they knocked on the door. They bought me Guinness, it made me a very happy girl. I heart Guinness.

Oh! I DO get to go to Boston for this long presidents weekend, YAY!

I was cleaning my room this morning and came across the ripped sheets from an old journal. I had meant to insert the writings into another journal and never did. Then I realized my trip to Egypt was exactly 3 years ago. So I'm going to share my journal with you.

Egypt: Day 1
How do I begin to tell the tale of Lady Croft and her Egyptian adventures!? Slightly smelly, yet enthusiastic, I tote my canvas backpack through Charles de Gaulle airport to make my connecting flight. I find Laura and Eric waiting with open arms. I do wish more Americans would greet with hugs and kisses.

We board our plane, destination Cairo. Immediately I get a crash course in Arabic from Eric. I daze in and out of consciousness, as I've been awake 30 hours already. Probably not the best time to learn a new language but I'm a trooper. We touch down in Cairo after a sunny glide over the Greek islands and the Mediterranean Sea.

I drop my $15 USD for my visa, 2 postage looking stamps, lick em and stick em in my passport and head through immigration. Oh my I have to pee so badly! I spot a tiny bathroom in the corner; I think it's for women? A short and plump older woman greets me at the door. Welcome to Egypt, here is your one square of one ply toilet paper, that will be $1. Eric and I discussed the culture of 'baksheesh', share the wealth, but I hadn't had time to change any money. I give her a quarter. Perhaps another souvenir from the inconsiderate American girl with bubble gum and super fly sun shades.

My eyes are so heavy but if I sleep now it will take me a week to adjust. That is remedied quickly when we climb into a Mercedes and head to Eric's apartment. Traffic is insane. Drivers are insane. I practically hold my breath the entire 30-minute ride. I drop my gear and head out to dinner. I thought the car ride was bad, until I cross my first street. Holy fucking human Frogger Batman!!! I'm clinging to Eric's arm as he tells me to try to relax, don't run, and just go as he goes. I honestly don't know if I've ever been more fearful in my life.

Dinner is amazing. I love this dish called kosheri. Lentils, vermicelli, tomato base, garlic, onion, pasta, rice....vegetarian heaven. We walk back to the apartment, this time I simply hold Eric's arm and close my eyes to cross the road. I round the night off with a powerful rum and seltzer and pass out. Sunlight awakens me at 1 in the afternoon. I'm ready for the day.

My brother got married in August 2005. I shared my sister's camera as I did not yet own a digital. It took her a year to send me a disc with the pics on them. Then I lost the discs during my move and have just recently discovered their location. As I was going through them, adjusting sizes and whatnot, I came to a realization. I was in such better shape than I am now. The difference jumps out at you.

I know I have an excuse for the most recent 20 pounds, my medication. I have since switched medications and that excess weight is slowly melting away. Yet, I will still be about 20 pounds heavier than in these photos. It's crazy I tell you, crazy! What a difference 20 pounds makes in a person. What's even more disturbing is that at the time these photos were taken, I was already 20 pounds heavier than I always have been!!!

According to my simple calculations, that means I am actually 60 pounds heavier than my body traditional rests at. WAKE UP CALL. Of course being depressed you don't really care about your appearance. The inside was, and always will be, much more important. Now that the meds have been kicking for quite some time, I feel I'm in a place where I am ready to start making the effort to change my outward appearance.

So, I'm posting a few of these shots not for narcissistic gratification but for motivation. Plus, there's that funny one of (e:lilho) and I when we first met. She babysat my brother's wedding. Ciao.


at the falls


i broke my shades with my big strong butt


with lil sis (apparently i like this stance)


my date bernard


putting my bike away before rehersal dinner....look how freaking white my legs are!


with lilho

I had a bad dream last night. Apparently I was on a job interview at a large school in North Carolina. They wanted me to watch a video about the school however they had me sitting inside a stadium and the video was playing on a TV outside. Oh, let me also mention there was a pep rally going on! There was a marching band, screaming fans, bull horns, pom-poms - the whole nine yards. Girls kept coming up to me and saying weird things like, "you're hair ain't big nuf for this state" and "your eye shadow is perfectly layered". It was so chaotic and anxiety provoking.

I leave the 'interview' to check my e-mail and I had a disturbing message. It read, "You................will not hear from me or see me ever again, Timka." I didn't like it, at all.

Mashed song lyrics as an expression of how I'm feeling today:

what is this?
are you some kind of hypnotist?

maybe i just look detached
i feel the social glare

i have to speculate
that God himself did
make us into corresponding shapes
like puzzle pieces from the tray

you don't believe me

i take a breath
hold the air until there is nothing left

wash away the thoughts inside
in the darkness i remain

there is no fucking you
there is only me

If someone does something nice for you, the least you SHOULD do is express your gratitude with a 'thank you'. Two simple words that can make such a difference. If you're too cool for school and can't utter those words, you should at least fucking acknowledge what was done for you!

For example, "I got your card", or "wow you cleaned".

Something - Anything to let that person know they haven't gone unnoticed on this planet, regardless if you're a fucker who can't say thanks. That is all.