So I'm trying to get out of the house & overcome a few fears that I've had over the last 5 years now.

I'm actually out & about today while posting on my phablet iPhone 6 plus. Yeah Not to bring up the old drama about an app but who needs one when you have a big screen & processing power? Although I have to admit I have been posting using the LiveJournal app! Yeah I still check that place just due to a few old friends, I still can't believe it's mostly Russian, who knew?

Anyway with friends dying & life getting crazy collectively I guess my perspective has changed about life. Yes I've had a ton of loss family wise bit sometimes you can't see the forest through the trees when you're in the middle of it. The only way to describe my perspective on life these days is like when jigsaw gave a speech on appreciating your life in a saw movie after someone won a game & survived. In some ways I feel like that after my friend died in Oct.

So maybe my New Year's resolution will be to use this site when I'm out and about in the city? Also have to figure out a way how to upload pictures for work around with flash on an Apple product.

It was a bit sad to hear about our old friend last night having to deal with a personal issue. I'm getting back out there & making a conscious decision to get back out into the world. Going to the party last night was a "no brainer" given how the concept of "life is presciously short" has punched me in the head over the last 6 weeks or so. Everything was great & it felt good to see some old familiar faces. Yes it was a bit overwhelming at first but it did feel like a good comfortable college party.

Honestly it him coming out would have made the night even better. When you're in that state of mind where you want to preserve you just have to get in that comfortable place in your mind first. I guess going for so many years put a bit of confidence that usually I don't have. Usually I'm paranoid about my car in the city (This is a huge issue that I still need to work on), but I knew that if I got there early enough I'd get that nice sweet spot between driveways further down the street.

Even though I kind of had minor triggers of reminiscing about a former friend & an ex girlfriend on the same street, it was good to see how absurd those concepts were. Yes my ex was a descent thing at the time but honestly it wasn't going to work. Although I have to say not having a girlfriend in the city & physically not being up there is something I wish I could change.

Anyway here is the song that I had in my head as I was the lead singer as my costume. Sorry about the video as the colorized clean version was scrubbed when Gregg when he disbanded everything about the New Radicals. It was feel good music then & still holds up to this day.



In all it was an awesome night, I just wish our friend could have came out & snapped a few pics.

Although I'm not back in the SRQ (I've had a few facebook friends & someone I have listed on Twitter down there over the last week) I've found myself in my mind drifting back to when I was younger & "lived" down there more often. Ok it was more like I was in college on break visiting & the mindset I had that I felt like I recently tapped back into as of late. Maybe it's all the free time I've had lately to decompress from away from the cub. Also it could be the time added time that I've had to introspect once again. Although that can be horrendous as what happened for 6 months after Feb this year where I totally went off the rails emotionally.

But I've rediscovered some old books that I purchased down in Sarasota & with my free time I'm trying to at least stimulate my mind once again is this distressed time I'm having at the moment. The downside is that I'm feeling kind of like I'm a waste at the moment. The thought of volunteering has crossed my mind. I wish I was just wasn't so stupid earlier this year with money as I would have moved away for a bit.

Anyway I actually took another step today & went out in the city for a bit today. Yeah it's been a while but I was able to plan it out & enjoy a beautiful day sipping a smoothie with a bunch of people from a meetup. It's just good to get back into a good place & start taking baby steps again.

So with every time that someone passes it seems that this always reminds us of our mortality. I think with Walt he was totally prepared for what the great beyond was all about & passed over with a scenario in his mind and soul. He was one of the greatest thinkers that I ever have known in my life. In some ways even though I may have been in presence less than 10 times overall ((e:strip) parties & maybe a concert or two?) I knew that he was always around digitally. Yes this mostly was on facebook towards the end of his life (last 5 years) as it seems that blogginig is a lost art & updating a status or sharing a pic on your mobile smartphone is what we're all about. It is sad as it seems that now facebook has just become a forum where we share other(s) content from 3rd party sources. Although Walt did share some thought inspiring content like abandoned places or 1970's NYC pics. He has a brain & shared his intelligent thoughts with all of us.

I'm happy that his experiences (old school punk rock), insights and thoughts will be with us digitally. Whenever he commented on a post I always was happy that he noticed. Also I'm pretty sure that he is one to have contemplated his existence & life as it's too late to do that once you're gone.

Lastly he gave me hope (As I'm also in the very far from Brad Pitt in the looks dept also) that one day I may find love of someone of upstanding character despite our challenges.

I finally went out in Buffalo for the first time in a while. I was hanging around Canalside enjoying the ever finite nice days & then got the idea to stop by Resurgence Brewery on Niagara Street to meet up with a couple of older mostly dormant posters from this site. I saw her post on facebook & I suppose other sites like instagram & tumblr but I only saw the one from the former.

I've just realized that I am kind of drifting back to a funk like I was in back in February but in all honesty I wasn't focused on just being the solo person that I've become for the most part this year. I just have a fear of the city unfortunately. It's not what you think of being a victim of something (although I do have a personality security issue of being physical safe ie people bumping into me, getting knocked around by flying objects.) It's mostly boils down to my car. I just don't trust people in the city to parallel park & drive. I have a nice new German automobile & from past experience I just have to go on what I've experienced & seen. So unless I can play the odds & park far away from everyone in a lot relatively safely from the masses, I just didn't feel confident in going out.

Does this make me sound like a materialistic prick? Probably I would say so. At the same time I have a reason to put Things>People They let me down everytime & also I don't have much currency with them honestly as I'm not really that attractive anymore (What I had is rapidly depreciating.) Although at the same time it is nice in not being invisible to people as they stare me down while turning their heads on the road. That phenomena is close to giving me something to smile about although at the same time it does have it's draw backs.

But anyway baby steps. I doubt I'm going to get a girlfriend that lives in the city to give me a home base of operations but I do plan on getting out to shows or whatever more often. It's time to get back into the swing of things & slowly move back into taking risks once again.

So Rob Thomas played the Seneca Events center at the casino in Niagara Falls NY. It was sold out way before I ever realized that I wanted to go to it.

The thing is that this song



Ever the Same was always playing in the morning back when 101.1 was the River & played "Adult Alternative" whatever that means. It was a point of my life where I was at a crossroads. I mean I was Ok at my job at the Poker Room, but I knew I wanted more something that allowed me to have time off & a bit more freedom instead of being in that soul sucking place.

I just remember back in the day watching VH1 & listening to the "behind the music" of the 1st matchbox album & the true meaning of 3AM. How he used to drink Manischewitz Wine staying up late worrying about his Mom (Who the song it about not some drunk late night booty call/text hookup.) I also worked with a guy briefly who was in a matchbox twenty cover band, but that was before this solo album come out for him.

Wow so I have a post about a particular memory that a song gave me to a time at place & at the same time made a semi relevant Mother's day post out of it.

So after many years of constantly posting I finally deactivated my account. When I started having dreams of "People you may know" friend suggestion I knew it was time to take a break. In some ways I think that I just posted way too much there & my "friends" would never post anything good content wise for me to view.

As a forever alone guy who should have left this area for DMV (DC/Maryland/VIrginia Metro Area) to find a descent professional woman to marry, I'm just sick of the happy couples & baby pics. I get more joy reading about the adventures of the folks on here, the delicious food porn.

But lately my life consists of getting up, going to my cool local coffee shop, work, coming home listening to alternative talk radio, maybe listening to some EBM, emo, goth, industrial, Whatever channel on Pandora & going to bed to do it all over again. I used to just check facebook once every hour or so but honestly I am maybe being paranoid but I am sick of giving more than I get out of it. Deep down maybe my happily married friends are laughing at the weirdo that is me in the coffee shop. But hey I have a bit of money more than most people riddled in debt & drive a nice German car. So I'm eccentric???

Other than that I am fearful of what is going to happen this month on a planetary macro level economically & all over. I used to post hints from the sources that I have vetted over many years of listening to the guests from Coast to Coast back in the day when Art Bell was in he heyday. Now the former guests have their own internet radio shows & are on every week or more than a couple of days a week. In a sense I've taken to keep mum until the S hits the fan & then post while everyone is going nuts? At least that's my plan & it's been easier than I thought it would be at this point, just 10 more days to go.

So yeah other than the above I am digging the Whisper app to vent weird thoughts I have. Heck I've even found some people to chat with & almost get places [You know me I have no luck with women] but hey it has been working better than traditional dating sites!

So yea it's good to be back even though I haven't been in the cool part of the city since a former epeep came back for a visit when she was still with child. But that's what kind of is the sad part of getting off facebook as her friend who I hit if off with on a friendly level was an awesome facebook friend. I just am stuck with high school drama there with very little content from quality people.

But by the end of the month we will cross some place emotionally where whining about the little things in life will be breaking the cardinal rule of etiquette.

So I realized how alone I am over the last few weeks & it just struck me suddenly. I'm getting old let's say pushing upper 30's and my potential pool of possible women out there are next to nil. I could have written this book Basically the market for my demographic is very thing & I have known that for more than a decade. I should have moved to DC or Toronto years ago basically is the captain obvious answer to my own problem.

Although at this point of my life, I am not too depressed about it. I've gone through enough horrible experiences in dealing with people who are desperate. It's just lately I have also been smacked in the face with the fact that class has a more of an impact now that it ever has in my lifetime. Now that I drive a Benz, the impact of how people perceive me is finally smacking me in the face. I guess I have been the most low key now old "rich kid." I guess if I was 15 years younger & likewise my parents I would have grown up to be a douche. But I probably have the lowest self opinion of any luxury car driver? LOL

Anyway I think I should start blogging again. My cousin took a month off of Facebook & it seems to be going well for her. I do like the way that people are posting videos on Facebook & this 24 hour challenge thing is kind of funny. Although to be honest people were doing the same thing here in '06. For me I am just torn & confused on where to go and what to do. Not just for what to do with my lonely self in real life but also online.

Other than that I contemplating blowing money on match.com or even the other site howaboutwe.com. I like the concept of howaboutwe but to be honest there isn't enough people in Western New York to justify it being the most expensive dating site. Sometimes blowing money is far worse than getting rejected digitally over and over again.

So this is how it was advertised when the Allendale Theater showed porn?

I caught this graphic on the wall of the new music venue The Waiting Room. They also had some old show fliers and other Buffalo music scene stuff on their one wall as well.

I'm just watching the Coachella a feed on youtube and I have to say I'm kicking myself for not going for week #2 as I'm off, but I already booked a trip down to the SRQ in Florida. I caught Spiritualized, Phoenix, Social Distortion & right now Paul Oakenfold. One of my best experiences in my life was a random trip to California which had me end up at Epicenter.

Anyways in watching a clip of Father John Misty I read something from his Wiki page that just nailed my earlier life.

On his upbringing Tillman stated: "I was actually a pretty aimless kid, I didn’t really do anything: I never really studied hard and all my parents were interested in was my spiritual status. When I was younger my reality was heaven and hell and angels and all this bullshit that doesn’t mean anything in terms of becoming an actualised human being."

So true, I should be more of an actualized human being instead of worrying about making stupid money decisions & other crap that I do and do not deal with...