I feel like I'm in a dream where I am in a car. I am the passenger and also the driver. I see many obstacles in the road ahead of me but I have no control. I cannot direct the wheels to avoid colliding with objects. I yell but I cannot wake the self that is driving. Lost in time I will step into the darkness once more. There in the comfort of my night, the world cannot see me. It is the only place I truly feel safe.

Ta mo chroise go bron
Oiche' s me liom fein
Speartha dubh go domhain, a choich
Uaigneas mor, go deo, a choich
Taim bronach, buartha' s briste
Nil ann ach an marbh.

It is Gaelic, from an Enya song.
Translation:

My heart is grieving
Night and I am alone
Endless deep black skies
Great loneliness, forever, and ever
I am sad, sorrowful, and broken
Nothing is left except the dead.

Ok, I think this is the most unusual, illegal, out of the blue spam I've ever gotten in my life. I just wanted to share. Ciao.



"Dear Friend,

Let me start by introducing myself. I am Executive Director and Chief Financial Officer of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd.I have a Secured business suggestion for you.

Before the U.S and Iraqi war our client Col. Hosam Hassan who was with the Iraqi forces and also business man made a numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar months, with a value of Thirty million United State Dollars only in my branch. Upon maturity several notices was sent to him, even
during the war early this year. Again after the war another notification was sent and still no response came from him. We later find out that Col.Hosam Hassan and his family had been killed during the war in bomb blast that hit their home.

After further investigation it was also discovered that Col. Hosam Hassan did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the Paper work of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me the last time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in my Bank. So, Thirty million United State Dollar is still lying in my bank and no one will ever come forward to claim it. What bothers me most is that according to the laws of my country at the expiration 6 years the funds will revert to the ownership of the Hong Kong Government if nobody applies to claim the funds.

Against this backdrop, my suggestion to you is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Col. Hosam Hassan so that you will be able to receive his funds.

WHAT IS TO BE DONE ARE:

I want you to know that I have had everything planned out so that we shall come out successful. I have contacted an attorney that will prepare the necessary document that will back you up as the next of kin to Col.Hosam Hassan , all that is required from you at this stage is for you to provide me with your Full Names and Address so that the attorney can commence his job. After you have been made the next of kin, the attorney will also file in for claims on your behalf and secure the necessary approval and letter of probate in your favor for the move of the funds to an account that will be provided by you.

There is no risk involved at all in the matter as we are going to adopt a legalized method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents. Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue.

Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account we shall share in the ratio of 60% for me, 40% for you, Should you be interested please send me information's below,

1. Full names and Age
2. Private phone number
3. Current residential address.

I will prefer you reach me on my private Email address or Fax it to my private fax machine number below

And finally after that I shall provide you with more details on this transaction. Your earliest response to this letter will be highly appreciated. "

So. Today wraps up a real shitty week in mine and (e:nejifer)'s life. All the drama at school, my bit of drama here...it all culminated in a terrific saturday morning surprise. Jen's car got broken into. In our very own back yard! The perps stole all her cds and whatever change was lying around.

Thenthey used the garage door opener to gain access to the garage. Yup....since we moved the bikes for the party last weekend, they were in the garage. Normally, they are kept in the house for 'safer' keeping. They didn't take her bike, but indeed, LC's new bike was swiped. I just put this cool double wire basket on the rear too! Plus my helmet was out there. Ugh.

I think I'm giving up on owning any type of transportation other than my legs. All my shit breaks and when it's finally working, some dishbag steals it. I'm taking the bus from now on. Happy Saturday.

This weekend I got peed on, puked on and pooped on. I had to babysit my infant nephew Ryan. It was a 48 hour madness marathon!

I'm not exactly a baby person. I don't hate them, especially not my nephews, but I don't have a high tolerance for them. Crying makes my spine cringe rather quickly.

I think I collectively got 5 hours of sleep the entire weekend. The little guy eats every 2.5 to 3 hours! It takes about 15 min to prep his bottle then another 30 minutes to an hour for him to drink it. Then there is always a diaper change involved prior to and shortly after a feeding. I was wiped out.

Fell asleep watching a movie with (e:Nejifer) and apparently she tried to wake me up to go to my bed but I was dead to the world. I really don't know how parents do this.

Not to mention my poor little (e:Bambicroft) has been so lonely from lack of attention that she was all over me. I love her to bits n' pieces and adore spending time with her. She loves me too, so she never left my side for one second.

I'm still pooped. Think I'm gonna take a nap between laundry loads and the dishwasher. Cheers to all you domestic engineers out there. Ciao.

Have you seen that commercial where a man is sitting at his kitchen table with Abe Lincoln and a beaver playing poker? His dreams tell him how much they miss him?

My dreams let me know they have been missing me. I was missing them too. I realized it had been soooooo long since I had dreams. Really. I wake up so much in my sleep that I hardly get to enter REM cycle, which is incredibly disturbing.

I am happy to report that with the new meds I've been taking I have finally been able to sleep for a few hours continuously!!! As a result I have my dreams back!!!!

1. (e:Joshua) was getting married to this uber bridezilla biotch! I have no idea who she was but she was a misserable goober! The entire atmosphere was dark. It was dark outside, everyone was dressed in black, they were riding in a herse! (sp?) All the trees were dead, it was windy, and they got married on the porch of this half burned down black house. Creeeeeepy!

2. This one was disturbing. I was chillin with (e:Leetee) in some strange little antique shoppe. I went upstairs to use the toilets and saw (e:Nejifer) and (e:Uncutsaniflush) having an affair in a fur coat closet! Then the place was flooded with pugs! They were everywhere!

My excitement over a wonderful shower has been dashed. I split my time between 2 offices which means I have to close up shop in one place, go get my bike and carry all my gear down a block and across the street to the other office.

When I got to my bike today I was greeted with a busted tire! Not just flat, the tube exploded. Meep!

What is with my transportation traumas? My car blew up, after it blew a tire, my other bike blew both tires, and now my brand new bike blows a tire.

I thought about this as I sweated my way over to the office with my bike in tow. I'm bummed of course. I'd figure out how to take the bus, but I have 10 cents in my bag and the tokens (e:Paul) gave me are at home.

Anyhow, I was thinking about my thinking. Does 'stuff happen to me' as I always say, or does s'tuff happen' and how I react to it is what happens to me? Does that make sense?

I believe it's the latter. It's not the end of the world, it's just a bike tire. It just stinks because I got this bike to replace my more favorite bike that was broken and I don't have money to fix another problem. I was really enjoying my bike rides.

I love my job. It's a fun office, or I should say offices, to work in. I like the people, I like what I do, and I can't wait to interact with the itnernational students I've been corresponding with for several months. Today however, was icing on the cake.

As you all know, it's a bazillion degrees outside. I commute on my bicycle. I'm not gonna lie, this heat is kicking my ass! It makes it harder to breath and about 5 times longer to cool off once I stop. All summer long I've arrived at work a ltitle sweaty, but I bring a little towel to wipe down with and I got myself a tiny desk fan. It's all good.

Yesterday was miserable. I couldn't seem to cool down at all. Today...I thought I was going to have a heat stroke! I was so red and sweaty my boss actually let me go take a shower in the dorms! Yah, I was smelly too. But how cool is that!? They actually let me go take a shower. The summer work study is also an RA, so she let me use her shampoo and soap. It was brilliant. I smell great, feel SO much better, and I'm not dying. Yay! Ciao.

I'm starting to feel a little bit like me again. I want to be back so badly and it's such a daily struggle, but I've been working hard at it. Something (e:Terry) said to me at the housewarming party really stuck with me. He said I was simply too hard on myself and don't give myself enough credit. It's true. I know I don't. That's part of what depression is. It's hard to focus on the good when all you see is the bad. It's hard to focus period.

I went with (e:Libertad) to another one of his Soka Gakkai meetings. It was so refreshing to be in a room full of people who were absolutely glowing inside. Yes, we all have problems in varying degrees. No one is immune to reality. But how we cope with life can in fact control us. I really tried to take the time, while they were chanting, to do a meditation. For the first time in a loooooong time, I felt a bit of peace in my heart and in my mind. Yes, I have a pile of troubles on my shoulders. Serious troubles that impact my life daily. But even if for that moment, I was free. I could breath, I wanted to smile and jump and clap my hands and do cartwheels.

The best part is, I didn't need a single drink or drug to feel that way. That is how I know a little piece of me came back. That is who I was all along. I am a beautiful person, inside and out. I'm not going to let anyone tell me otherwise, anymore. I'm not going to tell myself otherwise anymore. I am going to continue on my quest for peace and to bring vitality into my life once again.

I always enjoy a good ren-fest. In my honest opinion, Sterling is not the greatest rather it's the closest. Some 2.5 hours Northeast of here lies a little village nestled in steep hillside. I simply don't understand why people try bringing their babies in strollers. This place is mud, gravel and mulch on very steep inclines. Eh.

There are a number of comedy sketches, musical performances, hand crafted artworks, and games to play. They do havea jousting field but the level of showmanship leaves much to be desired. The horses are beautiful though! Here are a few pics. Ciao.



telling the story of Beowulf through mud...I wanted to jump in soooo bad


his 'slingshot' weapon, a quadruple H bra


steak on a stick, hmmmm


that black blur is a hawk


my sis-in-law grooming her tail


me and big sis, muah!


so beautiful


the way this horse's head is tilted just makes me laugh


watching the joust


3 hoozah's for red and gold


yup, that's me!

I'm putting together letters for work. I assist international students through the admissions and immigration process at Canisius. I get a report print-out of every letter generated so I can keep track of this process. When I opened up one of these reports my Gramma's address showed up. I was confused at first, thought I was seeing things. Then I realized it was in Ontario. Euclid Avenue is not exactly a super common street name but the fact that it was the same house number really hit me. Then I opened my phone to get a number and my Gramma's number popped up. I really, really miss her.