I am sore today.

In hindsight, there are ample reasons for this.

Yesterday morning, I wiped out going down my icy stairs. It was graceful, as can be for slipping right on my ass. It was equal to 'sitting down really fast'. My arm caught part of the stair case.

(I have since tossed salt on it).

At work: physical interventions of the variety that I have not done in quite some time on a kid that I have not really worked with. Very strong and very aware.
I could feel it in my arms and butt. I also did some quick maneuvers to dodge biting, punching and kicking. oh, adrenaline.

Then there is last night.

oh boy.

I don't know whether to dread or anticipate, The Pictures.

Background: Growing up, (e:ladycroft) and I would often end up bloody, bruised and sore from our days adventures. She usually, ok, most always, ended up in worse condition. We would end up falling down the same cliff, wipe out on our bikes in the same traffic, get ourselves stuck in the same mud, fall out of the same tree and get tangled up in the same messes, but she managed to come out more beat up than I. She has the scars to prove it.

Now "grown up" we still end up being sore and feeling slightly beaten up after spending an evening in each others company. Not bloody. Not so much bruised. But definitely sore. Every time!

And so last night, I head out to Hilbert to hang with my buddy for a bit. We have the entire place to ourselves, a bunch of beer and our adventurous spirit to guide us into trouble. Or to the ER. Haha.

I didn't have my camera, but Timika did. It began with something I said, did or how I looked that all of a sudden she was doubled over trying not to piss herself with laughter. So, I grabbed her camera and it went with us everywhere for the remainder of the evening.

In summation, a few sore spots could also be contributed to: Sushi eating, really bad pool playing, tricycle riding, modified basketball (in a garbage can), high speed mattress diving, staircase mattress riding and holy hell, I think at some point we even took off our shirts. It seemed a really good idea at the time, lmao!

So yeh. She's got the pictures.
Update: here they are..[inlink]ladycroft,152[/inlink]
____________________________________________
Off to shower and finally start my Christmas shopping. (journal prompt)
I am sure to update later...

(stealth entry at work..)

Been doing nothing but eating all day at work. And all sorts of stuff that my body does not recognize. My taste buds are happy though. However, I am never ever eating ever again. hmmkay?


No class tonight, yay!!



Later, strippers.

~carey

Whats up sudsy hot bath?

Nah, I haven't forgotten about you.

I know, I know.. the book and wine are waiting.

Be right there, yo.


From atleast 9:30 am on, I had been encouraged to go to Caputis by co-work friends.

"Hey Care, what do you think about Happy Hour?"
(you don't think. you just do)

"So Care.. whatcha doin' after work? Caputis, right?!
(hmm.. maybe)

"Carey are you going to Caputis?"
(probably..)

as I am walking out the door.. "Oh Carey Bears.."
(yes?)

"..you are expected at Caputis. If you aren't there, you will be tracked down and bludgeoned."

"oh and don't be late"

Alright, alright. I am coming. Yeesh.

So after all that, I am the first to arrive. I kick back and wait a bit.

A bit impatient, I contemplate leaving. When the first few arrive, I scrunch up my face in mock, "I am totally put out from waiting for you" look. It doesn't suit me, as they found humor in my ill attempt at "bitchy", and they placate me with, "shut up, I am buying you a beer". Easy enough.

A half dozen of us drinking, engaging in shop talk, movies, sex and other random topics.
Good conversation..the kind that gets heated, obnoxious, hilarious and lewd, all punctuated with occasional melodious belches (boys!). I learned a lot this evening from a few of my friends. I guess it was being in a group of people and listening to their life tales. How on some levels I can relates, then on others, I am completely clueless. And that all too familiar "on the outside looking in" feeling surfaces.

And so, a few Sam Adams winter fest pints later, while still remembering that it is back to work in the morning, I pull myself away from the group and make my way out the door.

Ahh, the steaming soak beckons..

the mess continues.


My first stab at making cookies from scratch. I have more to make, but this is about it. I am wiped out. Some of them turned out enormous. I even made frosting. I made due with the few supplies that I did buy. Someone really really into this could go all sorts of crazy in the artistic sense.

cookie poo.


The mess.


some of the yum.



A candle loses none of its light by lighting another candle.
- Unknown

Off to read and then dream land.

Good night :)
Carey

"The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said." Peter Drucker

For the past couple of months I have been enjoying Sunday mornings. I had been introduced to the simple pleasure of making a pot of coffee and sitting down to read the paper-watch some tv(sports, news, random channel flipping); which always happens to be a sunday morning and so an association has been made. Besides it is a very nice, normal, serene way to break into the day.

I had intended to do that this morning followed by some skiing and then baking.

Today was not such a day. I woke up entirely too late in the day to warrant lazy morning activities. It was mid afternoon and I had a pounding headache from sleeping in. In total it was a respectable amount of sleeping hours, but I just did not want to get out of bed. I was warm and comfy and not quite ready to face the day. I slipped in and out of dreams. The really juicy ones were especially hard to let go of, so in a way I forced myself back into sleep; they were really good :) I could have kept going if it weren't for the headache. Not that a headache would ever really stop me..

I did get to the baking part of my itinerary. Which wholly suprises me. I am not sure what has gotten into me. Baking. From scratch. On purpose. Without the proper cooking utensils. I pretty much guessed on everything. I remembered to use pot holders!

I did buy parchment paper, thanks to (e:kara). That stuff is pretty cool. And I will be making Kara Kanes© [inlink]kara,2[/inlink] (for recipe)

Ooh, what a mess I have made. This will be atleast a two day deal. I only got to cooking one of the recipes. I did prep the various sugar cookie doughs. Next will be cut outs, baking then decorating. I really needed pictures of myself. I was covered in cookie dough guts, flour and other squishy baking remnants.








So many parties this weekend, but the Snow Party was priority!

It is always a pleasure to chill with the [search]typeHere[/search] peeps. Many familiar faces and a few new ones. Nice :)

I had my camera, but I only took a few pictures. The real Christmas tree was quite attractive with its shiny bulbs, tinsel and star trek ornaments. That would be Capatin Bacard at the top.




"Dont get tinsel all over the place"








(e:ladycroft) [inlink]ladycroft,146[/inlink] has a bunch of pics, included a nice one of her and I. And my fishnet stocking mishap. haha.

Shopping could be quite delighful if all that is required of me is to find the most tackiest or obscure gift. In my pursuit of fun and to stay true to my quirky personality, I buy such items anyway.

Soon, I must go Christmas shopping; without buying random things for me. I've still got a week. I work best under pressure, anyways.

Other than once or twice, the snow has not made its way to Youngstown. I am still waiting.. patiently..for new snow. I'm itching to ski.

Last nights quick refueling.. even random shopping builds an appetite:



Boston was just about to close.They had little to choose from. I had some meatloaf form, green smooshy stuff and mashed potatoes. It tasted good to me. Although I could do a better job on the meat loaf. For some reason I have been really wanting that lately. I will have to succomb to my meatlaof desires soon. My last intense food craving was Ketchup. I stopped at nothing to get it, haha.

One last thought..becuase it makes me giggle...

Save a cow,
Eat a Vegetarian.

That is all.

I was looking through my picture files. I found one that I haven't viewed in along time. It is a file of kitten pictures from a few years ago.

Anyway, I realize this: I am a big animal dork.

I only have kitties at this moment, so I am a big cat dork. I have many pictures.
When I put together a fresh water fish tank, I will take pictures of them as well (hopefully soon, I just need a stand), and be a fish dork.
And one day, I hope to be a dog dork.

I am a sappy sucker for cute and fuzzy things.

Prepare to vomit, cute pictures ahead..

Baby Joey and Kayla. I found them under my porch the day I moved into a ghetto-esque apartment. My mom scooped up the five kittens and brought them home with her to raise them until they were big enough to be adopted. I had no intention of taking any of the kittens. But I fell in love with Joe. On the evening I was to take him home, his little sister, Kayla, managed to come home with me as well. It was the coolest thing to raise a couple of kittens. It brought a bright spot to an otherwise really dark depressing period of my life.




My beloved turtle. Everyone loves The Turtle. Even as big fat cats, they still attempt to curl up on my turtle. We fight over him..




Joee, Marlo, Kayla ((e:pyrcedgrrl) adopted Marlo, the other black and white kitten--she has the straight white streak up her face).









fuzzy chunky butts











______________________________________________

My class was cancelled tonight. I was in an after-work meeting when the call came in on my cell phone. As the class rep, the college contacted me directly. I then proceeded to contact my classmates with the good news. I wasn't sure if I wanted to risk the icy drive.. it is such a long drive home from class...so this worked out very well.

I went outside to take pictures of the ice, but oddly, there isn't any. Where did it go? :)

Anyway, my brain thinks it is friday, as I am rarely home before 10pm on a Thursday night. It is past my bedtime and I must try to get some sleep.
(e:pyrcedgrrl) is making me do some christmas shopping Friday evening. Is she insane? No, I am for not starting it yet..

Good night.. be warm and safe..
Carey

One of my favorite places to be..



Toronto, barely shows up with this camera. What would be a fabulous camera to have, so I can get more detail and distance?? Or maybe try a different technique?










I need to learn how to get back up after I wipe out on my ass. I had my camera, why not take a picture? :)









My car wins.. it is the filthiest of all of WNY.. full of trash and treasures





Home atlast, after peeling off four other layers of sweat and snow caked clothing, working on this post...



I thought I had more pics in another file.. Oh well, maybe I will find them later :)

Now more for your reading pleasure.. (what I had debated on posting...)

Dreams

I normally sleep pretty well. Occasionally I get insomnia. What happens is that I end up with a lot of energy to where I either don't need or just can't sleep. During this episode I will sleep half as much or less than my regular 8-10 hours. And the sleep is poor with a lot of tossing and turning. Although I am sleep deprived, I end up being energetic all day and this will continue until I eventually crash. It is usually a two week deal. Then boing! boing! boing! My energy levels rise some more, and that's just fun. I end up very talkative and a bit more obnoxious than usual. I write a lot during these times as well.

Not that there is any evidence of that here. :)

I have entertained the idea of doing some "serious" writing. I can pound out a ton of pages pretty damn quickly, whether forming an entry or writing a school paper. I write as I think, so I run with it. To work on a story would be a unique challenge. I have characters and story lines in my head. I have a creative, delicious and detail oriented imagination. I imagine using times like these to crank out a ton of material then make use of other times in the logistical part of the story development. However, I get overwhelmed thinking about it and I dismiss the idea. Really, it is just another form of procrastination and possibly selling myself short. I get pulled in so many different directions then I take no direction, which really gets me nowhere. *kicks myself in the ass*

Alright, so I had been debating on posting this. Not sure why, other than after a slew of lengthy really personal entries (even though they barely touched the tip of the iceberg), I feel suddenly shy.

I attribute the content of the following dream to the relationship-gender entry. [inlink]theecarey,57[/inlink]I had started that entry earlier in the evening of which it was posted. The opening paragraph was written prior to the heated political-personal posts, even. I had started jotting down a few random thoughts and then would go do something else, then I'd jot down a few more thoughts and stop for awhile. When I settled down for the evening, I decided to write and see where it would take me. I can start off with a thought and end up in another direction. I eventually wrapped it up a little after 4am. Then I played on the game site, pogo.com until about 6am. I slept lightly but comfortably even though my dreams had an atypical element. Usually they are replete with sexual situations, horror-adventure theme or occasional work dreams where my non verbal kiddos begin to talk.

Apparently my mind is trying to process through something because the elements involved have created a theme these past few nights. I write to get it out of my head and to see what my brain is telling me, perhaps. Thinking about the subject matter all day and then posting about it, it is no surprise that it was pulled into the dream.

I dreamt that I was trying to get to, what I perceive, the boyfriend, because it did not feel like 'just a friend". I was walking through a neighborhood, looking for his house. I was in a community where the houses and yards were close to each other. All of the houses were white. The side walks were very clean and tidy, although they had different styles in appearance. Each segment of the side walk had its own detail. The sun was shining; it seemed a pleasant day.

As I walked through this community I sensed that people were watching me, yet there was no resistance from anyone. They were curious about my strangeness. I just kept walking, observing the different homes. I focused in on their porches for some reason, which were close to the sidewalks. Although not in a hurried or anxious state of mind, I knew I had to pretty much stay on course. However, I had to get to him and I was concerned that I wouldn't find his house.

I had the challenge of navigating these winding maze-like sidewalks. I could see across the paths and yards, but for some reason, I couldn't just cut through all of it, not that there was anything visible stopping me.

At some point I came to a clearing that appeared to be all concrete; it was an entanglement of all the different sidewalks. On the other side of this concrete cluster, was his house, which was not far away at all. I could easily hop to one sidewalk to another if I wanted to. I could choose the sidewalk yet for some reason I took the longer more complicated route. I liken it to following the well known yellow brick road. I just stayed on course. The sidewalks were not linear, so by following one, I stepped over others.

I could see his house for it was so very close. I just kept walking until I felt it was time to go in, because at that point I did step over the last few pieces of the sidewalk, because right then and there I knew it was time to go to him.

I walked the path along the house. There were flowers and other nice stuff. I walked up the driveway (which looked like a larger version of the sidewalks) to a side walk that went along the front of the house. As I approached the house, I came face to face with his mother. She stood on the sidewalk and seemed to be expecting me and was not exactly welcoming but not hostile either. She made an attempt to keep me from going in, but it was passive, overall. This had surprised me as I was expecting more resistance.I do not recall the words exchanged. I do remember that I was not skittish or intimidated. I was right where I needed to be and knew that she didn't have the power to stop me from entering her house. It was really her house and he lived in the basement. (This was pulled directly from my post. I have never actually dated someone who lived in their mothers' basement. I had included it in my post because I have a friend who always asks "does he live in his moms basement, does he want your car and does he want to move in with you", which always cracks me up, which I think it is because of the way she says it, like she is talking from past experience and is a bit cynical- funny how it manifested in my dream)

Ok, so I pretty much dismissed her, saying that "this is where I belong and you can't stop me". So I walked past her and opened the door. This door opened into a vestibule. To the left was the entrance to the house and to my right, the stair case that descended to the basement. Once on the staircase, it took the form of the stairs I had going to the basement of the house growing up. The layout of the basement followed this as well.

I could see, but it was kind of dark. The sunlight from outside lit the staircase, but once I got to the bottom of the stairs and entered the room in which he lived, it was much, much darker. I knew he was in there somewhere and had to find him. I proceeded to enter the dark basement room. I called out. No answer at first. I continued into this darkness, determined, scared yet comfortable; like what I was doing was taken in stride. I didn't have to go much farther when I saw some illumination coming from the far side of the room. It had the glow of a tv (I didn't actually see the tv, just assumed) which faced a bed that was in the farthest possible corner, in which he lay, propped up on pillows. The room was very dark other than the faint illumination. Details of the room could not be observed, but I was not concerned with that. All I cared about was finding him. He seemed melancholy, inquiring why it took me so long to get there. I said that I knew that he knew that I was coming and that I was giving him extra time to be ready for my arrival and that the little extra exercise on my part couldn't hurt (hah where did that come from-must be my recent increase in activity).

Then it cut to talking about all sorts of stuff, gaining understanding and catching up on other things. We were also laughing and teasing each other and playing with a black and white kitty (it wasn't my Joe cat in my dream, but a beloved kitty that I had in the past, who died from leukemia complications. Not sure how or why she made it in my dream).

Then I came to the surface of consciousness and rolled back over to go into another dream; but that one eludes me. This had been the second dream in the same night that had similar elements I am not sure why this one along with its detail stayed with me as strongly as it did/does and that it actually played itself out.

The face of the individual changed between two people that I know. Someone I know now and someone I knew from a long long time ago. Not sure who any of the people were, and I did not recognize the "mother" figure. It was so detailed and I remembered it well enough upon waking that I typed it out. It took me awhile to decide whether I would post it. So now, a few day later, here it is.

Any ideas?

_________________________________________________
I kept the temperature in the apartment lowered significantly these past few days. I had mentioned in a previous post that I really can not afford to heat the apartment. The bill I just received is higher than it has ever been in my entire apartment renting life. Craziness! Anyone else experience this? I pulled a little electric heater into my bedroom, which helps a lot. It has a remote, so I can turn it on until the bite of chill is gone. The mound of blankets takes care of the rest. When not in my room, I wear a few extra layers. If I have friends over, I will turn up the heat and toss more logs into the fireplace, not a big deal at all. I prefer them warm and comfortable. Or we can try a more creative option and all pile up in my room!!! I figure if I can conserve a majority of the time, the bill won't be so bad next time. I made sure the storms were in and will put plastic on a few of the windows. Also make sure my curtains are closed most of the time.

On a positive note, the lowered heat has my wine collection chilled perfectly. I am enjoying the remainder of the bottle of Four Emu shiraz.

And the kitties are getting their winter coat.

And going out in the cold won't be as much of a difference; which is good because I have been XC skiing 4-5 times a week. So no more whining that it is too cold to go outside! Oh yeah!

The sunset was absolutely fucking amazing. Gorgeous swirls of orange, pink, purple and turquoise.

The days last light enhanced the reflection of Toronto. A pale pink glimmered off the buildings.

As the sky turned dark, the lights along the skyline twinkled.

No camera to capture this perfection.

________________________________________________________
I have been XC skiing approximately an hour a day. The trails I take overlook lake Ontario. The time I go allows me to catch the sunset. I quickly build warmth which sustains through my chilly adventure. I am lost in my thoughts while appreciating the sight, smell and sounds of nature in Youngstown. No one else is around, just the waves crashing to the shore.

When my mind is squirreling with thoughts, I write.
When I go through my "insomnia manic" phase, I write.

When both occur at once, I write. A LOT.

Because I don't talk to anyone. But I am learning..
(fondly thinking of a short conversation from earlier today...)

(I just finished a 2,000 word entry.-debating on posting it, not sure yet, which is about a dream- The relationship entry was 3,000)

Thanks for reading, listening (?) e-strip...


So, (e:paul), how can I help ya out with that thesis? :)

I love [search]typeHere[/search] Let me count the ways..

I am impressed with the degree of passion for a variety of topics that are written about on this site. Particularly so in the very personal topics of politics, gender and relationships where intensity, assertiveness, determination and on some level, desperation that surrounds it is evident and refreshing. I love that people have thoughts and express them, no matter how the thoughts may be perceived. Hell, this is a journal, a dedicated spot to share ones thoughts. The reader doesn't have to like it. It would be shameful for people to edit their content, length or authenticity to suit the reader. So while things certainly get heated around here, it is that sparring and the passion that backs it that I can appreciate.

I thought I had missed some postings by my fellow e-strippers. I checked out the links from (e:Jason) [inlink]jason,292[/inlink]and (e:ladycroft) [inlink]ladycroft,138[/inlink]and the subsequent comments pertaining to the ubiquitous topic of gender and relationships. So while I cleaned my apartment, I thought about some of what I read. This post touched upon only some of it, although it is lengthy:

People are generally looking for the same thing. To be noticed, to be respected and to get laid. Not an exhaustive list and not necessarily in that order, eh?

Read on, kind e-strippers. I write as I think. Thoughts and questions that cross my mind and are not directed at anyone:

How do you want to be treated?

And then how do you go about getting that?

I don't think people willingly ask to be treated like some sub standard amusement, so why allow it?

You aren't getting a particular individuals attention, so you are ok with alternating your behavior to get noticed? You really want someone to notice the un-you? Then when the real you surfaces (and it will because you can't change your core-being) you can't figure out why you or they are miserable..

If you are a nice person continue to be nice. if you are a bitch/dick head, continue on.. its who you are.

You are skeptical, hesitant and distant to the possibilities because you are basing it all on statistics, what your friends have told you, your past experiences and what you see in the media (and on Chippewa, hehe).

You don't know what to say, what to do or how to act to 'attract' the attention of an individual, and you wonder why no one is noticing? What is there to notice? A confused, passive, closed off, watered down version of the individual that you really are (when no one is looking..) Not so attractive!!!

hmmm, lets see: Girls making themselves "attractive" to guys. Nothing new there. Look at the magazines, shows and all the products. Guys making themselves "attractive" to girls. Yep it happens and is becoming more apparent. If there is a buyer, you know there is a seller. And just as there are guys who dig the made up chicks, there are girls that are all for the equal effort. Ok, not a big deal. Let them hook up with each other. k, easy enough.

If you don't dig it so much, please don't change yourself just so you get the attention of those people. It perpetuates your state of misery and discontent, not to mention disregard for your self esteem.

From the aesthetic point of view, I like a guy to look good. I like when they are groomed, smell good and have some style. I also like them the same when they are unshaven, are wearing week old jeans, wild hair and have some b.o. (not the dirty kind, but the natural guy scent). Ok, there was a time that I used to really dislike body hair, but that has totally changed; which is great. I love how soap scent lingers..Mmmmmmmmm

All that shows that they are human and while they take pride in themselves, they are comfortable in who they are. And that is hot.

When you are not comfortable in your own skin, it shows; and that isn't nearly as attractive as someone who is comfortable and confident with themself.

As for myself, I primp. I buy the products, I take care of things- girlyish but not consumed in the process or end product. I do this because I want to, not for the attraction of another. I wear make up and lip gloss. I style my hair. I wear skirts, stockings, shoes, sexy lingerie and perfume. I also wear jeans, old beat-up hoodies, days that I don't brush my hair or style it and I get dirty (but I still wear lip gloss and shave!).

As for actions, well, its great to do things for others. I am all for doing something to make someone happy, but not in that losing myself, losing my identity sort of way. It is about offering what I can to enhance the other persons life. I wont be a 'slave' as that suggests doing something out of having to. What I decide to do is all because it is something that I want to do, because it is someone I care about, a lot. And because this post is about relationships, it is reciprocated. (But not keeping score). If ity seems too complicated, then it isn't right. If you are looking out for one another, than all that should come pretty naturally. Ha, I once bought dinner (just some pizza and wings) for a guy, who responded in "what are you the guy in the relationship?" so, I answer, "as long as you put out, its all good". Yep, the 'experation date' on that guy came up real quick after that.

(e:jason), I keep coming back around to your post. This is because you made some great points, there are good examples and this topic comes up in your journals. And I like your thinking.

So, holy hell, lets examine the lemon girl.. that is definitely a matter of respect, on both parts. Hers for not having any for him and he for not having any for himself. And I am sure everyone has seen, heard of or directly experienced disrespect. It cannot be excused as one gender, race, culture or another. It is a specific person being an asshole (from here on I use the term asshole to represent the worst of the male and female stereotype).

It is that same asshole who sees the opposite sex for entertainment purposes only. Sure it drives me nuts, it frustrates me that this asshole ruins it for both men and women. Girls think that they are only entertainment for guys and guys end up thinking that they are just entertainment and otherwise useless for the ladies. And so both of us end up with that mindset and in some ways begin acting the mindset. Then we fuck things up because we are not being ourselves, we are operating on past bad experience, we don't talk about it and we attribute everything to all the fuck ups of all the assholes that we have seen, heard, dated, read about or are friends with.

And maybe at some point in our lives we were those assholes.

and so; LET IT GO. Grow up, make your own decisions, live the life that YOU want to lead, expect respect and don't allow anyone to get in the way of being who you want to be. HOWEVER- don't assume that everyone you meet is just like the assholes you have dealt with in the past. You treat them like they are that past asshole, and you know what?? they become it. YOu begin to look for those things in them and after time, they appear. It isn't their fault, it is YOURS.

All men are irresponsible mindless dumb jerks? guess what? every guy you meet will be an irresponsible mindless dumb jerk.

All women are use men for entertainment and only seek guys to see that they can get from them? well then, guess who you will meet?


I speak only for myself, although I wouldn't doubt that some readers may be able to relate. Whether male or female, we go through similar experiences. It is our individual differences that make things so complex. If we really could be easily clumped into respective stereo types, all would be easier. But when we do, thats where the trouble begins.

I can't possibly stereo type men without doing them a world of injustice; as should be expected of such. I love men. I love people's differences in behavior, interests, education, habits, appearance and values. My attraction to a guy is not limited to what he can do for me or how similar he is to me. I am speaking of the more personal relationship aspect here. Getting laid, casual amusements and other "uncategorized" relations are not the focus (as fun as all that can be it also influences the "assholism" tendencies; which is not always a bad thing, but when seeking something more 'fulfilling' there are more choices to be made, things to consider, some things to stay away from.)

I have been in situations that have tested my ideals and values. Maybe I am different (but I doubt it), maybe it is maturity (to some degree), or maybe it is my upbringing (more likely) that I think, feel and behave the way that I do.

Do I want a guy that will financially take care of me? I haven't thought about it. It has never been a "dream" or an ideal for me. I think there are people that want and expect to be taken care of. I can't fathom it, personally. I am not even looking for someone who makes more money than I do, not that that would be difficult, lol. I have experienced financial ruin and never once did I think to "land a man" to take care of the problem. And it certainly isn't from a lack of offers. During that period of time I would not date because I had less than zero money to my name. It was very uncomfortable. I never expect to have all of the activities paid for. I have no problem taking care of the bill. Is that unusual? Its fun to pool our money together for an outing, or surprise someone with taking care of something or knowing that is not an issue or a matter of keeping score. I get paid this week and you don't? well, its my treat. I don't operate on rules. Sure, take me out for dinner, buy me flowers, do something thoughtful. But you know what? I am very likely to do those things as well. It is great to see and hear someone happy by your actions and thoughtfulness. There are things much deeper than a few bucks that will make me notice and be attracted to an individual. And it neither starts nor ends with the checkbook.

I have had men flaunt their financial assets thinking that I would find that attractive. In one case the guy made sure to let me know he had over two million in the bank. Maybe I was dumb not to accept dinner in Paris, lol. Or an impromptu jaunt to NYC. I have friends that would have atleast used him for some of the things he offered justifying that it would have been his stupidity for offering to take care of things financially like that. However, I have never been comfortable in that. Sometimes I wondered if I was missing out by decling those things through my life. My point? I couldn't bring myself to date someone I wasn't "attracted" to. And I can't use someone, not like that (again, sex relations are separate discussion- I didn't have sex with this person, however, I recently found out that this guy has told people that he has. Why??). I do have friends that would have jumped all over those guys.

Now, what if I were attracted? Well, it is their money, not mine. Same thing when they show off their expensive cars, trucks, homes, and other material goods. So what? IF all a guy has to offer me is a wad of cash (or other things related toi money) then they really have nothing to offer me. If a guy only has cash to offer a woman, than that is the only kind of woman they are going to attract. ahhhhhhh? see they pattern, now???? yet, funny that these same guys end up bitching about the fact that they only attract women that want their money. I just generalized all that, but try to see the message more than just what the words are.

You could be poor (but not living in a card board box or your moms basement), drive an old car, have minimal amount of "stuff" and guess what? I don't care! Certain things will tell me that you are reliable and responsible for your life; that you aren't a lazy bum looking for a free ride (still not talking about sex, kiddos). You pay your rent, bills and attend to other life responsibilities. YOu have life goals and aspiratons, that you work toward them and keep going. You enjoy life and look for the positive, not focus on negative. If you do happen to live in your moms basement, well.. there has to be a good reason, haha.


Am I so independent that I would never allow it? That is a bit extreme; I don't think any one of us can be that independent. I aim to be able to take care of myself. I have been doing fine (even with the financial ruin/ back injury/ life turned upside down and inside out days) for a long time. I recall some of my friends thinking that I was rich or had access to a trust because I never complained about money and always managed to have some. I don't complain out loud. Thats just me. I don't spend that much money and when I do, it means that I am super careful for a period afterwards. I grew up poor. You don't miss what you don't have. And really, what I do does not cost that much; occasional beer and pizza? That's a sure sign of financial security ;) Some of the stuff I have now have been gifts from family, hand me downs, or road side finds that I have a knack for making beautiful. Or simply a reward to myself for pulling a 4.0 average. Hell yeah! I am defending myself because I get a sense that some of my friends continue to be under the impression that I live richly in the materialistic sense. It doesn't cost much to keep things clean and looking nice.

Have I been in a position where I have led the relationship financially? Yep, sure have. But not in the way that I ever care to again. He shirked responsibility in that sense. Rent money used for drugs. Well, everything was second to drugs. That greatly affected the relationship and was a large part of why we split. Anyhow, I would do it with out question for any other circumstance. It is about mutually taking care of each other. The balance of our strengths and weaknesses. If in a hypothetical situation, a significant other was down, I am there to help him back up, and in a relationship with me, I would be confident that he would offer the same. Who ever he may be..

See it is about taking on the world. All the fucked up things that go on, I want to be able to turn to my significant other and be able to know that we are never against each other. I expect disagreement, sparring, and some potentially uncomfortable situations to arise, but it would not be grounds for sleeping on the couch, silent treatments or dismissal. I would think a lot of us would want that. So then, why is it so complicated?

If I had the answers, I would write a book. But not of the "are men necessary?" variety, 'cause, I doubt my glow in the dark friend has a life time warranty. Har har.
I have heard that the more education and work experience a female has, the lesser their desire to marry or something. It was probably an excerpt from that book for all I know. It certainly can't be generalized across the board, but I can see that there are women out there that do not want a guy who has less education than them. A lot of people seem to think equality has something to do with similar levels of formal education and income. Hmm, no, not so much. I bet you know people who have a ridiculous amount of formal education that do not know anything at all, or all that they know is very specific to the degree earned. Or how about those that have a wealth of life education. They love to learn about all sorts of things and they apply their knowledge yet they do not have a degree.

I know I prefer someone who has been to college. But if I had my doctorate would I limit myself to only those with similar education? My first thought is that education level shouldn't matter. I definitely do not think that the guy is sub standard, that's fucked up. More likely the concern would fall into whether they were comfortable with my having an advanced degree. I never really thought about it.. I am working on my masters, but I don't look for someone with the same amount of formal education. It is silly to me.

I seek something deeper than the typical superficial crap, and yes, a piece of paper is still superficial to me, even though I prefer a college educated individual. It is just a preference and not an absolute. My rationale behind it has more to do with that I always equated it to demonstrated ability for follow through, responsibility, commitment to oneself and an interest in learning. This is not axiomatic, it is a deep rooted perception that I have held coming from an otherwise uneducated family (they did not go or did not finish college, then struggled with or shirked responsibility). I am always learning and trying to evaluate my thought process.

I don't have a wish list of attributes. There are a few fundamentals..

• You must respect yourself.
  
• Be yourself.
  
• Expect that you are accepted "as is"; I will not change you. I will not save you.

(some people really dig this, but I have come across those that are really weirded out by it..it goes against everything they have ever experienced, but that goes back to respecting yourself, I guess)

• Be compassionate and respectful towards other people and animals.
  
• Communicate. Despite popular belief I am not a mind reader.
  
• Have a sincere desire for stability, loyalty and experience of life.

"Thee" wish list? That would be "thee" asshole in me.. You can find out all that fun stuff later :)

BTW, I received the heat bill in the mail today. Holy cripes I can't afford to heat my apartment this winter! Laugh or cry? Hmm.. Laugh.
No big deal, I'll just set the thermostat way back and live in my bedroom under a pile of blankets. I had the heat cranked comfortably to where I could lounge in a tank top and sleep pants. No socks. And I had recently taken to sleeping nude. I don't want that to change so I made sure to put on the flannel sheets and a few extra blankets. I should be set.
I know it is cold in the apartment when the kitty has taken to sleeping curled up in a tight little ball. Icicles forming on his tail.

I started this post earlier in the night, left for a bit, came back to it. Now I wrap it up as I polish off a glass of Emu Shiraz
Got out the web cam for the fun of it.. some G rated photos..

Half asleep..






Joey woke to the snapping of the camera.. My baby boy JOOOOEEEEEEYYYYYYYYY He is always whereever I am at.






Thats it for now.

Take care,
Carey