the mess continues.


My first stab at making cookies from scratch. I have more to make, but this is about it. I am wiped out. Some of them turned out enormous. I even made frosting. I made due with the few supplies that I did buy. Someone really really into this could go all sorts of crazy in the artistic sense.

cookie poo.


The mess.


some of the yum.



A candle loses none of its light by lighting another candle.
- Unknown

Off to read and then dream land.

Good night :)
Carey

"The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said." Peter Drucker

For the past couple of months I have been enjoying Sunday mornings. I had been introduced to the simple pleasure of making a pot of coffee and sitting down to read the paper-watch some tv(sports, news, random channel flipping); which always happens to be a sunday morning and so an association has been made. Besides it is a very nice, normal, serene way to break into the day.

I had intended to do that this morning followed by some skiing and then baking.

Today was not such a day. I woke up entirely too late in the day to warrant lazy morning activities. It was mid afternoon and I had a pounding headache from sleeping in. In total it was a respectable amount of sleeping hours, but I just did not want to get out of bed. I was warm and comfy and not quite ready to face the day. I slipped in and out of dreams. The really juicy ones were especially hard to let go of, so in a way I forced myself back into sleep; they were really good :) I could have kept going if it weren't for the headache. Not that a headache would ever really stop me..

I did get to the baking part of my itinerary. Which wholly suprises me. I am not sure what has gotten into me. Baking. From scratch. On purpose. Without the proper cooking utensils. I pretty much guessed on everything. I remembered to use pot holders!

I did buy parchment paper, thanks to (e:kara). That stuff is pretty cool. And I will be making Kara Kanes© [inlink]kara,2[/inlink] (for recipe)

Ooh, what a mess I have made. This will be atleast a two day deal. I only got to cooking one of the recipes. I did prep the various sugar cookie doughs. Next will be cut outs, baking then decorating. I really needed pictures of myself. I was covered in cookie dough guts, flour and other squishy baking remnants.








So many parties this weekend, but the Snow Party was priority!

It is always a pleasure to chill with the [search]typeHere[/search] peeps. Many familiar faces and a few new ones. Nice :)

I had my camera, but I only took a few pictures. The real Christmas tree was quite attractive with its shiny bulbs, tinsel and star trek ornaments. That would be Capatin Bacard at the top.




"Dont get tinsel all over the place"








(e:ladycroft) [inlink]ladycroft,146[/inlink] has a bunch of pics, included a nice one of her and I. And my fishnet stocking mishap. haha.

Shopping could be quite delighful if all that is required of me is to find the most tackiest or obscure gift. In my pursuit of fun and to stay true to my quirky personality, I buy such items anyway.

Soon, I must go Christmas shopping; without buying random things for me. I've still got a week. I work best under pressure, anyways.

Other than once or twice, the snow has not made its way to Youngstown. I am still waiting.. patiently..for new snow. I'm itching to ski.

Last nights quick refueling.. even random shopping builds an appetite:



Boston was just about to close.They had little to choose from. I had some meatloaf form, green smooshy stuff and mashed potatoes. It tasted good to me. Although I could do a better job on the meat loaf. For some reason I have been really wanting that lately. I will have to succomb to my meatlaof desires soon. My last intense food craving was Ketchup. I stopped at nothing to get it, haha.

One last thought..becuase it makes me giggle...

Save a cow,
Eat a Vegetarian.

That is all.

I was looking through my picture files. I found one that I haven't viewed in along time. It is a file of kitten pictures from a few years ago.

Anyway, I realize this: I am a big animal dork.

I only have kitties at this moment, so I am a big cat dork. I have many pictures.
When I put together a fresh water fish tank, I will take pictures of them as well (hopefully soon, I just need a stand), and be a fish dork.
And one day, I hope to be a dog dork.

I am a sappy sucker for cute and fuzzy things.

Prepare to vomit, cute pictures ahead..

Baby Joey and Kayla. I found them under my porch the day I moved into a ghetto-esque apartment. My mom scooped up the five kittens and brought them home with her to raise them until they were big enough to be adopted. I had no intention of taking any of the kittens. But I fell in love with Joe. On the evening I was to take him home, his little sister, Kayla, managed to come home with me as well. It was the coolest thing to raise a couple of kittens. It brought a bright spot to an otherwise really dark depressing period of my life.




My beloved turtle. Everyone loves The Turtle. Even as big fat cats, they still attempt to curl up on my turtle. We fight over him..




Joee, Marlo, Kayla ((e:pyrcedgrrl) adopted Marlo, the other black and white kitten--she has the straight white streak up her face).









fuzzy chunky butts











______________________________________________

My class was cancelled tonight. I was in an after-work meeting when the call came in on my cell phone. As the class rep, the college contacted me directly. I then proceeded to contact my classmates with the good news. I wasn't sure if I wanted to risk the icy drive.. it is such a long drive home from class...so this worked out very well.

I went outside to take pictures of the ice, but oddly, there isn't any. Where did it go? :)

Anyway, my brain thinks it is friday, as I am rarely home before 10pm on a Thursday night. It is past my bedtime and I must try to get some sleep.
(e:pyrcedgrrl) is making me do some christmas shopping Friday evening. Is she insane? No, I am for not starting it yet..

Good night.. be warm and safe..
Carey

One of my favorite places to be..



Toronto, barely shows up with this camera. What would be a fabulous camera to have, so I can get more detail and distance?? Or maybe try a different technique?










I need to learn how to get back up after I wipe out on my ass. I had my camera, why not take a picture? :)









My car wins.. it is the filthiest of all of WNY.. full of trash and treasures





Home atlast, after peeling off four other layers of sweat and snow caked clothing, working on this post...



I thought I had more pics in another file.. Oh well, maybe I will find them later :)

Now more for your reading pleasure.. (what I had debated on posting...)

Dreams

I normally sleep pretty well. Occasionally I get insomnia. What happens is that I end up with a lot of energy to where I either don't need or just can't sleep. During this episode I will sleep half as much or less than my regular 8-10 hours. And the sleep is poor with a lot of tossing and turning. Although I am sleep deprived, I end up being energetic all day and this will continue until I eventually crash. It is usually a two week deal. Then boing! boing! boing! My energy levels rise some more, and that's just fun. I end up very talkative and a bit more obnoxious than usual. I write a lot during these times as well.

Not that there is any evidence of that here. :)

I have entertained the idea of doing some "serious" writing. I can pound out a ton of pages pretty damn quickly, whether forming an entry or writing a school paper. I write as I think, so I run with it. To work on a story would be a unique challenge. I have characters and story lines in my head. I have a creative, delicious and detail oriented imagination. I imagine using times like these to crank out a ton of material then make use of other times in the logistical part of the story development. However, I get overwhelmed thinking about it and I dismiss the idea. Really, it is just another form of procrastination and possibly selling myself short. I get pulled in so many different directions then I take no direction, which really gets me nowhere. *kicks myself in the ass*

Alright, so I had been debating on posting this. Not sure why, other than after a slew of lengthy really personal entries (even though they barely touched the tip of the iceberg), I feel suddenly shy.

I attribute the content of the following dream to the relationship-gender entry. [inlink]theecarey,57[/inlink]I had started that entry earlier in the evening of which it was posted. The opening paragraph was written prior to the heated political-personal posts, even. I had started jotting down a few random thoughts and then would go do something else, then I'd jot down a few more thoughts and stop for awhile. When I settled down for the evening, I decided to write and see where it would take me. I can start off with a thought and end up in another direction. I eventually wrapped it up a little after 4am. Then I played on the game site, pogo.com until about 6am. I slept lightly but comfortably even though my dreams had an atypical element. Usually they are replete with sexual situations, horror-adventure theme or occasional work dreams where my non verbal kiddos begin to talk.

Apparently my mind is trying to process through something because the elements involved have created a theme these past few nights. I write to get it out of my head and to see what my brain is telling me, perhaps. Thinking about the subject matter all day and then posting about it, it is no surprise that it was pulled into the dream.

I dreamt that I was trying to get to, what I perceive, the boyfriend, because it did not feel like 'just a friend". I was walking through a neighborhood, looking for his house. I was in a community where the houses and yards were close to each other. All of the houses were white. The side walks were very clean and tidy, although they had different styles in appearance. Each segment of the side walk had its own detail. The sun was shining; it seemed a pleasant day.

As I walked through this community I sensed that people were watching me, yet there was no resistance from anyone. They were curious about my strangeness. I just kept walking, observing the different homes. I focused in on their porches for some reason, which were close to the sidewalks. Although not in a hurried or anxious state of mind, I knew I had to pretty much stay on course. However, I had to get to him and I was concerned that I wouldn't find his house.

I had the challenge of navigating these winding maze-like sidewalks. I could see across the paths and yards, but for some reason, I couldn't just cut through all of it, not that there was anything visible stopping me.

At some point I came to a clearing that appeared to be all concrete; it was an entanglement of all the different sidewalks. On the other side of this concrete cluster, was his house, which was not far away at all. I could easily hop to one sidewalk to another if I wanted to. I could choose the sidewalk yet for some reason I took the longer more complicated route. I liken it to following the well known yellow brick road. I just stayed on course. The sidewalks were not linear, so by following one, I stepped over others.

I could see his house for it was so very close. I just kept walking until I felt it was time to go in, because at that point I did step over the last few pieces of the sidewalk, because right then and there I knew it was time to go to him.

I walked the path along the house. There were flowers and other nice stuff. I walked up the driveway (which looked like a larger version of the sidewalks) to a side walk that went along the front of the house. As I approached the house, I came face to face with his mother. She stood on the sidewalk and seemed to be expecting me and was not exactly welcoming but not hostile either. She made an attempt to keep me from going in, but it was passive, overall. This had surprised me as I was expecting more resistance.I do not recall the words exchanged. I do remember that I was not skittish or intimidated. I was right where I needed to be and knew that she didn't have the power to stop me from entering her house. It was really her house and he lived in the basement. (This was pulled directly from my post. I have never actually dated someone who lived in their mothers' basement. I had included it in my post because I have a friend who always asks "does he live in his moms basement, does he want your car and does he want to move in with you", which always cracks me up, which I think it is because of the way she says it, like she is talking from past experience and is a bit cynical- funny how it manifested in my dream)

Ok, so I pretty much dismissed her, saying that "this is where I belong and you can't stop me". So I walked past her and opened the door. This door opened into a vestibule. To the left was the entrance to the house and to my right, the stair case that descended to the basement. Once on the staircase, it took the form of the stairs I had going to the basement of the house growing up. The layout of the basement followed this as well.

I could see, but it was kind of dark. The sunlight from outside lit the staircase, but once I got to the bottom of the stairs and entered the room in which he lived, it was much, much darker. I knew he was in there somewhere and had to find him. I proceeded to enter the dark basement room. I called out. No answer at first. I continued into this darkness, determined, scared yet comfortable; like what I was doing was taken in stride. I didn't have to go much farther when I saw some illumination coming from the far side of the room. It had the glow of a tv (I didn't actually see the tv, just assumed) which faced a bed that was in the farthest possible corner, in which he lay, propped up on pillows. The room was very dark other than the faint illumination. Details of the room could not be observed, but I was not concerned with that. All I cared about was finding him. He seemed melancholy, inquiring why it took me so long to get there. I said that I knew that he knew that I was coming and that I was giving him extra time to be ready for my arrival and that the little extra exercise on my part couldn't hurt (hah where did that come from-must be my recent increase in activity).

Then it cut to talking about all sorts of stuff, gaining understanding and catching up on other things. We were also laughing and teasing each other and playing with a black and white kitty (it wasn't my Joe cat in my dream, but a beloved kitty that I had in the past, who died from leukemia complications. Not sure how or why she made it in my dream).

Then I came to the surface of consciousness and rolled back over to go into another dream; but that one eludes me. This had been the second dream in the same night that had similar elements I am not sure why this one along with its detail stayed with me as strongly as it did/does and that it actually played itself out.

The face of the individual changed between two people that I know. Someone I know now and someone I knew from a long long time ago. Not sure who any of the people were, and I did not recognize the "mother" figure. It was so detailed and I remembered it well enough upon waking that I typed it out. It took me awhile to decide whether I would post it. So now, a few day later, here it is.

Any ideas?

_________________________________________________
I kept the temperature in the apartment lowered significantly these past few days. I had mentioned in a previous post that I really can not afford to heat the apartment. The bill I just received is higher than it has ever been in my entire apartment renting life. Craziness! Anyone else experience this? I pulled a little electric heater into my bedroom, which helps a lot. It has a remote, so I can turn it on until the bite of chill is gone. The mound of blankets takes care of the rest. When not in my room, I wear a few extra layers. If I have friends over, I will turn up the heat and toss more logs into the fireplace, not a big deal at all. I prefer them warm and comfortable. Or we can try a more creative option and all pile up in my room!!! I figure if I can conserve a majority of the time, the bill won't be so bad next time. I made sure the storms were in and will put plastic on a few of the windows. Also make sure my curtains are closed most of the time.

On a positive note, the lowered heat has my wine collection chilled perfectly. I am enjoying the remainder of the bottle of Four Emu shiraz.

And the kitties are getting their winter coat.

And going out in the cold won't be as much of a difference; which is good because I have been XC skiing 4-5 times a week. So no more whining that it is too cold to go outside! Oh yeah!

The sunset was absolutely fucking amazing. Gorgeous swirls of orange, pink, purple and turquoise.

The days last light enhanced the reflection of Toronto. A pale pink glimmered off the buildings.

As the sky turned dark, the lights along the skyline twinkled.

No camera to capture this perfection.

________________________________________________________
I have been XC skiing approximately an hour a day. The trails I take overlook lake Ontario. The time I go allows me to catch the sunset. I quickly build warmth which sustains through my chilly adventure. I am lost in my thoughts while appreciating the sight, smell and sounds of nature in Youngstown. No one else is around, just the waves crashing to the shore.

When my mind is squirreling with thoughts, I write.
When I go through my "insomnia manic" phase, I write.

When both occur at once, I write. A LOT.

Because I don't talk to anyone. But I am learning..
(fondly thinking of a short conversation from earlier today...)

(I just finished a 2,000 word entry.-debating on posting it, not sure yet, which is about a dream- The relationship entry was 3,000)

Thanks for reading, listening (?) e-strip...


So, (e:paul), how can I help ya out with that thesis? :)

I love [search]typeHere[/search] Let me count the ways..

I am impressed with the degree of passion for a variety of topics that are written about on this site. Particularly so in the very personal topics of politics, gender and relationships where intensity, assertiveness, determination and on some level, desperation that surrounds it is evident and refreshing. I love that people have thoughts and express them, no matter how the thoughts may be perceived. Hell, this is a journal, a dedicated spot to share ones thoughts. The reader doesn't have to like it. It would be shameful for people to edit their content, length or authenticity to suit the reader. So while things certainly get heated around here, it is that sparring and the passion that backs it that I can appreciate.

I thought I had missed some postings by my fellow e-strippers. I checked out the links from (e:Jason) [inlink]jason,292[/inlink]and (e:ladycroft) [inlink]ladycroft,138[/inlink]and the subsequent comments pertaining to the ubiquitous topic of gender and relationships. So while I cleaned my apartment, I thought about some of what I read. This post touched upon only some of it, although it is lengthy:

People are generally looking for the same thing. To be noticed, to be respected and to get laid. Not an exhaustive list and not necessarily in that order, eh?

Read on, kind e-strippers. I write as I think. Thoughts and questions that cross my mind and are not directed at anyone:

How do you want to be treated?

And then how do you go about getting that?

I don't think people willingly ask to be treated like some sub standard amusement, so why allow it?

You aren't getting a particular individuals attention, so you are ok with alternating your behavior to get noticed? You really want someone to notice the un-you? Then when the real you surfaces (and it will because you can't change your core-being) you can't figure out why you or they are miserable..

If you are a nice person continue to be nice. if you are a bitch/dick head, continue on.. its who you are.

You are skeptical, hesitant and distant to the possibilities because you are basing it all on statistics, what your friends have told you, your past experiences and what you see in the media (and on Chippewa, hehe).

You don't know what to say, what to do or how to act to 'attract' the attention of an individual, and you wonder why no one is noticing? What is there to notice? A confused, passive, closed off, watered down version of the individual that you really are (when no one is looking..) Not so attractive!!!

hmmm, lets see: Girls making themselves "attractive" to guys. Nothing new there. Look at the magazines, shows and all the products. Guys making themselves "attractive" to girls. Yep it happens and is becoming more apparent. If there is a buyer, you know there is a seller. And just as there are guys who dig the made up chicks, there are girls that are all for the equal effort. Ok, not a big deal. Let them hook up with each other. k, easy enough.

If you don't dig it so much, please don't change yourself just so you get the attention of those people. It perpetuates your state of misery and discontent, not to mention disregard for your self esteem.

From the aesthetic point of view, I like a guy to look good. I like when they are groomed, smell good and have some style. I also like them the same when they are unshaven, are wearing week old jeans, wild hair and have some b.o. (not the dirty kind, but the natural guy scent). Ok, there was a time that I used to really dislike body hair, but that has totally changed; which is great. I love how soap scent lingers..Mmmmmmmmm

All that shows that they are human and while they take pride in themselves, they are comfortable in who they are. And that is hot.

When you are not comfortable in your own skin, it shows; and that isn't nearly as attractive as someone who is comfortable and confident with themself.

As for myself, I primp. I buy the products, I take care of things- girlyish but not consumed in the process or end product. I do this because I want to, not for the attraction of another. I wear make up and lip gloss. I style my hair. I wear skirts, stockings, shoes, sexy lingerie and perfume. I also wear jeans, old beat-up hoodies, days that I don't brush my hair or style it and I get dirty (but I still wear lip gloss and shave!).

As for actions, well, its great to do things for others. I am all for doing something to make someone happy, but not in that losing myself, losing my identity sort of way. It is about offering what I can to enhance the other persons life. I wont be a 'slave' as that suggests doing something out of having to. What I decide to do is all because it is something that I want to do, because it is someone I care about, a lot. And because this post is about relationships, it is reciprocated. (But not keeping score). If ity seems too complicated, then it isn't right. If you are looking out for one another, than all that should come pretty naturally. Ha, I once bought dinner (just some pizza and wings) for a guy, who responded in "what are you the guy in the relationship?" so, I answer, "as long as you put out, its all good". Yep, the 'experation date' on that guy came up real quick after that.

(e:jason), I keep coming back around to your post. This is because you made some great points, there are good examples and this topic comes up in your journals. And I like your thinking.

So, holy hell, lets examine the lemon girl.. that is definitely a matter of respect, on both parts. Hers for not having any for him and he for not having any for himself. And I am sure everyone has seen, heard of or directly experienced disrespect. It cannot be excused as one gender, race, culture or another. It is a specific person being an asshole (from here on I use the term asshole to represent the worst of the male and female stereotype).

It is that same asshole who sees the opposite sex for entertainment purposes only. Sure it drives me nuts, it frustrates me that this asshole ruins it for both men and women. Girls think that they are only entertainment for guys and guys end up thinking that they are just entertainment and otherwise useless for the ladies. And so both of us end up with that mindset and in some ways begin acting the mindset. Then we fuck things up because we are not being ourselves, we are operating on past bad experience, we don't talk about it and we attribute everything to all the fuck ups of all the assholes that we have seen, heard, dated, read about or are friends with.

And maybe at some point in our lives we were those assholes.

and so; LET IT GO. Grow up, make your own decisions, live the life that YOU want to lead, expect respect and don't allow anyone to get in the way of being who you want to be. HOWEVER- don't assume that everyone you meet is just like the assholes you have dealt with in the past. You treat them like they are that past asshole, and you know what?? they become it. YOu begin to look for those things in them and after time, they appear. It isn't their fault, it is YOURS.

All men are irresponsible mindless dumb jerks? guess what? every guy you meet will be an irresponsible mindless dumb jerk.

All women are use men for entertainment and only seek guys to see that they can get from them? well then, guess who you will meet?


I speak only for myself, although I wouldn't doubt that some readers may be able to relate. Whether male or female, we go through similar experiences. It is our individual differences that make things so complex. If we really could be easily clumped into respective stereo types, all would be easier. But when we do, thats where the trouble begins.

I can't possibly stereo type men without doing them a world of injustice; as should be expected of such. I love men. I love people's differences in behavior, interests, education, habits, appearance and values. My attraction to a guy is not limited to what he can do for me or how similar he is to me. I am speaking of the more personal relationship aspect here. Getting laid, casual amusements and other "uncategorized" relations are not the focus (as fun as all that can be it also influences the "assholism" tendencies; which is not always a bad thing, but when seeking something more 'fulfilling' there are more choices to be made, things to consider, some things to stay away from.)

I have been in situations that have tested my ideals and values. Maybe I am different (but I doubt it), maybe it is maturity (to some degree), or maybe it is my upbringing (more likely) that I think, feel and behave the way that I do.

Do I want a guy that will financially take care of me? I haven't thought about it. It has never been a "dream" or an ideal for me. I think there are people that want and expect to be taken care of. I can't fathom it, personally. I am not even looking for someone who makes more money than I do, not that that would be difficult, lol. I have experienced financial ruin and never once did I think to "land a man" to take care of the problem. And it certainly isn't from a lack of offers. During that period of time I would not date because I had less than zero money to my name. It was very uncomfortable. I never expect to have all of the activities paid for. I have no problem taking care of the bill. Is that unusual? Its fun to pool our money together for an outing, or surprise someone with taking care of something or knowing that is not an issue or a matter of keeping score. I get paid this week and you don't? well, its my treat. I don't operate on rules. Sure, take me out for dinner, buy me flowers, do something thoughtful. But you know what? I am very likely to do those things as well. It is great to see and hear someone happy by your actions and thoughtfulness. There are things much deeper than a few bucks that will make me notice and be attracted to an individual. And it neither starts nor ends with the checkbook.

I have had men flaunt their financial assets thinking that I would find that attractive. In one case the guy made sure to let me know he had over two million in the bank. Maybe I was dumb not to accept dinner in Paris, lol. Or an impromptu jaunt to NYC. I have friends that would have atleast used him for some of the things he offered justifying that it would have been his stupidity for offering to take care of things financially like that. However, I have never been comfortable in that. Sometimes I wondered if I was missing out by decling those things through my life. My point? I couldn't bring myself to date someone I wasn't "attracted" to. And I can't use someone, not like that (again, sex relations are separate discussion- I didn't have sex with this person, however, I recently found out that this guy has told people that he has. Why??). I do have friends that would have jumped all over those guys.

Now, what if I were attracted? Well, it is their money, not mine. Same thing when they show off their expensive cars, trucks, homes, and other material goods. So what? IF all a guy has to offer me is a wad of cash (or other things related toi money) then they really have nothing to offer me. If a guy only has cash to offer a woman, than that is the only kind of woman they are going to attract. ahhhhhhh? see they pattern, now???? yet, funny that these same guys end up bitching about the fact that they only attract women that want their money. I just generalized all that, but try to see the message more than just what the words are.

You could be poor (but not living in a card board box or your moms basement), drive an old car, have minimal amount of "stuff" and guess what? I don't care! Certain things will tell me that you are reliable and responsible for your life; that you aren't a lazy bum looking for a free ride (still not talking about sex, kiddos). You pay your rent, bills and attend to other life responsibilities. YOu have life goals and aspiratons, that you work toward them and keep going. You enjoy life and look for the positive, not focus on negative. If you do happen to live in your moms basement, well.. there has to be a good reason, haha.


Am I so independent that I would never allow it? That is a bit extreme; I don't think any one of us can be that independent. I aim to be able to take care of myself. I have been doing fine (even with the financial ruin/ back injury/ life turned upside down and inside out days) for a long time. I recall some of my friends thinking that I was rich or had access to a trust because I never complained about money and always managed to have some. I don't complain out loud. Thats just me. I don't spend that much money and when I do, it means that I am super careful for a period afterwards. I grew up poor. You don't miss what you don't have. And really, what I do does not cost that much; occasional beer and pizza? That's a sure sign of financial security ;) Some of the stuff I have now have been gifts from family, hand me downs, or road side finds that I have a knack for making beautiful. Or simply a reward to myself for pulling a 4.0 average. Hell yeah! I am defending myself because I get a sense that some of my friends continue to be under the impression that I live richly in the materialistic sense. It doesn't cost much to keep things clean and looking nice.

Have I been in a position where I have led the relationship financially? Yep, sure have. But not in the way that I ever care to again. He shirked responsibility in that sense. Rent money used for drugs. Well, everything was second to drugs. That greatly affected the relationship and was a large part of why we split. Anyhow, I would do it with out question for any other circumstance. It is about mutually taking care of each other. The balance of our strengths and weaknesses. If in a hypothetical situation, a significant other was down, I am there to help him back up, and in a relationship with me, I would be confident that he would offer the same. Who ever he may be..

See it is about taking on the world. All the fucked up things that go on, I want to be able to turn to my significant other and be able to know that we are never against each other. I expect disagreement, sparring, and some potentially uncomfortable situations to arise, but it would not be grounds for sleeping on the couch, silent treatments or dismissal. I would think a lot of us would want that. So then, why is it so complicated?

If I had the answers, I would write a book. But not of the "are men necessary?" variety, 'cause, I doubt my glow in the dark friend has a life time warranty. Har har.
I have heard that the more education and work experience a female has, the lesser their desire to marry or something. It was probably an excerpt from that book for all I know. It certainly can't be generalized across the board, but I can see that there are women out there that do not want a guy who has less education than them. A lot of people seem to think equality has something to do with similar levels of formal education and income. Hmm, no, not so much. I bet you know people who have a ridiculous amount of formal education that do not know anything at all, or all that they know is very specific to the degree earned. Or how about those that have a wealth of life education. They love to learn about all sorts of things and they apply their knowledge yet they do not have a degree.

I know I prefer someone who has been to college. But if I had my doctorate would I limit myself to only those with similar education? My first thought is that education level shouldn't matter. I definitely do not think that the guy is sub standard, that's fucked up. More likely the concern would fall into whether they were comfortable with my having an advanced degree. I never really thought about it.. I am working on my masters, but I don't look for someone with the same amount of formal education. It is silly to me.

I seek something deeper than the typical superficial crap, and yes, a piece of paper is still superficial to me, even though I prefer a college educated individual. It is just a preference and not an absolute. My rationale behind it has more to do with that I always equated it to demonstrated ability for follow through, responsibility, commitment to oneself and an interest in learning. This is not axiomatic, it is a deep rooted perception that I have held coming from an otherwise uneducated family (they did not go or did not finish college, then struggled with or shirked responsibility). I am always learning and trying to evaluate my thought process.

I don't have a wish list of attributes. There are a few fundamentals..

• You must respect yourself.
  
• Be yourself.
  
• Expect that you are accepted "as is"; I will not change you. I will not save you.

(some people really dig this, but I have come across those that are really weirded out by it..it goes against everything they have ever experienced, but that goes back to respecting yourself, I guess)

• Be compassionate and respectful towards other people and animals.
  
• Communicate. Despite popular belief I am not a mind reader.
  
• Have a sincere desire for stability, loyalty and experience of life.

"Thee" wish list? That would be "thee" asshole in me.. You can find out all that fun stuff later :)

BTW, I received the heat bill in the mail today. Holy cripes I can't afford to heat my apartment this winter! Laugh or cry? Hmm.. Laugh.
No big deal, I'll just set the thermostat way back and live in my bedroom under a pile of blankets. I had the heat cranked comfortably to where I could lounge in a tank top and sleep pants. No socks. And I had recently taken to sleeping nude. I don't want that to change so I made sure to put on the flannel sheets and a few extra blankets. I should be set.
I know it is cold in the apartment when the kitty has taken to sleeping curled up in a tight little ball. Icicles forming on his tail.

I started this post earlier in the night, left for a bit, came back to it. Now I wrap it up as I polish off a glass of Emu Shiraz
Got out the web cam for the fun of it.. some G rated photos..

Half asleep..






Joey woke to the snapping of the camera.. My baby boy JOOOOEEEEEEYYYYYYYYY He is always whereever I am at.






Thats it for now.

Take care,
Carey

Dinner at Carrabba's :
eggplant parm, water, salad, vodka

Average Joes:
Lots of shots of SoCo, balanced with multiple pints of Guinness

I didn't plan on staying out as late as I did, but the conversation was flowing and a good time was happening. Lots of friends and befriended strangers. Music wasn't too bad either. This time, my breasts didn't make an appearance, lol. and I wasn't even the one to choose to bare them! However the story from last time was retold, which I had pretty much forgotten about, lol.

A couple of weeks ago, I went out with no particular destination (Turkey Eve). While not a fan of going out alone, sometimes I don't want to stay in and be alone. When I do go out, a plus is that I always see people I know or can quickly make "new friends". Sometimes its a good night, sometimes it is a bummer. This had been a borderline bummer of an outing, but one spot I stopped into I found a bunch of my friends, whom I knew from work. I was in a little huddle with a few of them, when one girl *That Girl* came prancing up to me. (there is one *That Guy* and *That Girl* in every crowd- those that you put up with their "bad-obnoxious"- 'cause I otherwise like obnoxious- ways and try not to kill them for some of the fucked up things they do, say, etc.. and you otherwise like them, but from a "distance".) Ok, so this was many ours into the evening, everyone had plenty of drinks in them and I arrive, pretty much sober and unexpectedly. People are happy to see me and *That Girl* is for some reason, really excited.

I was wearing something distinctly feminine and sexy. A tailored outfit, sleek, straightened hair, makeup, and a hint of 'the girls'. My work buds never see me like this, as it is always bed head, jeans, oversized sweatshirt, no makeup (like in all of my pictures). Which I look just fine and its often a preference, but to be pulled together and 'polished', well, I am sure it was a nice sight to see.

And it was my look that made her exuberant.. she came up to me and grabbed my shirt and pulled it out and down, exposing my chest (a Fredrick's of Hollywood number) and loudly exclaimed, while grabbing, "Look its Careys Boobs! I have never seen her boobs! WOW! " And neither had the rest of my friends until that night. I wasn't embarassed. maybe I should look into this exhibitionist side of me..

Although this was a mild mannered situation (as we get way crazy), among my group of friends this would be considered, "In The Vault". We'll see..

The Vault is considered sacred information between a select group of guys and gals. To be admitted acceptance into the sacred rites and knowledge that comprises The Vault, one must be initiated through an informal sponsorship.
Mostly, ya gotta be cool, trust worthy, respected (very important) and fun. Not sure how I made it in, lol.
Initiation always included lots of beer and a toast. :)
and grilled barbecue chicken wings..

Really though, sometimes it feels like some sophisticated "In crowd" .
Stepping back, I run in a lot of circles.
Its all good.


I hope to get some XC skiing in this weekend, along with some school work, cleaning and more fun. Anyone up for it??? Skiing that is.. but feel free to help me clean :)

Maybe I will get in some Christmas shopping, although I doubt it. I haven't even started; I usually go out a couple of days before Christmas and get it all done at once. I am greatly skilled in the art of procrastination. I have Christmas gifts that I bought for last year that never made it out in the mail. I am a bad Aunt. Ooh, but I can send them this year, if I ever get a box and make it to the post office. I am awful with buying stamps and putting things in the mail.

Oh and if I am going to put up a tree, I should do that as well. Hmm, I have time to decide on that.. two weeks, is it?


bah

I can't compete.. lol
so..
Incase you did not mark it on your calender, set the DVR, etch it into your forhead here is a reminder..

Tonight:

The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show


Tyra Banks, Gisele Bundchen, Heidi Klum and Adriana Lima are among women modeling lingerie at the annual event in New York; Ricky Martin, Seal and Chris Botti are scheduled to perform.


Runtime: 60 min

10:00 PM Tue., Dec 6 Ch 4, WIVB


Sweet Dreams!!
_________________________________________

The pictorals I can offer this evening:

I caught the sunset, but not so much on the camera. My fingers were barely able to move it was so damn cold and windy out. It was getting dark very quickly. I spent all of 20 minutes on the beach. I didn't jump in this time!

Lake Ontario: Again, T.O. was quite visable, along with two enormous barges that were passing each other, with T.O. in the background. Until I can take a pic with a more sophisticated camera, the image is only in my head.











Niagara River, down at one of the boat launches:

I have a ton of laundry to do; I have heaps of clean and dirty laundry growing on my bedroom floor. Add rabid dust bunnies, dishes, bras and socks strewn all over my apartment to the mix, and what I have is a total mess. I even have beer bottles lining my bath tub. I should take pictures, nah, maybe I won't. Sometimes I like making a mess. I am sure to keep adding to the mess before I get a chance to clean up after myself. The question is whether I will be as thrilled to clean it up.


I am not a fan of Mondays, so this morning it was difficult to drag myself out of bed. Once I was out the door I felt pretty good. I put on energetic music and finished 'waking up' on the drive to work. After a weekend marathon of the three Die Hard movies topped with a viewing of Kill Bill vol 2; combined with the icey cold air that not only pierced my lungs but may have affected my brain,[inlink]theecarey,52[/inlink] made for a very sassy, goofy, and obnoxious Monday morning. My beloved coworkers were beside themselves, the kiddo that I work with, whom my coworkers refer to him as my "son", also seemed to enjoy my mood. The remainder of the day went by pretty well. This evening was quiet: just relaxing, writing, watching tv and eating some dinner.

As for new stuff, I began a new class. I have my absolute favorite professor of all time. I am so excited. The entire class is thrilled with having this teacher again. We spent the first part of class just catching up on our lives and all of us gushing over him. He claims that it is a good personality match; but he was being quite modest. It is primarily a matter of his being a good facilitator, public speaker, motivator and all around brilliant. We had him for our very first class, about a year ago. We still refer to the things he had talked about, that got us thinking and always managed to wrap all the information back around. His teaching us again is perfect timing, as the courses and material had been dragging us down. It has been a long, challenging year, and while we have just 10 months left, we are in need of a fresh approach. He is demanding of us, challenges us, and makes our brains hurt with information; nothing different than any of the other teachers and courses, but the vital difference is that he appeals to our inspirational side. We want to learn, we want the challenge, we want to unlearn and think about things from a different perspective and he facilitates that with finesse.

This past Thursday night was just a great evening of conversation. I am friendly with everyone; both in school and at my job. People know who I am and I make a small effort to be kind. My shy, quiet and slightly reserved nature makes it easy for me to appear aloof and standoffish, so whenever I think about it, I reach out to people. Consider it practice, I suppose. Being shy sucks. Yet throw me in front of a crowd and I am fine. Must be the one on one stuff. Hell, I'm learning. Anyhow, people still like me and my quirks.

So class this past week was exciting for the depth of interactions I had with a few of my classmates, all of whom I have regular contact with on the phone, email, in and outside of class. I also enjoy a good rapport with some of the college administration. Prior to class a few of us engaged in a lively conversation that started off light hearted then turned into a passionate debate then panned out into a great connection. Our dialogue did not center on a particular subject, although politics, religion, peoples mind sets, relationships and lifestyles laid the foundation. It was interesting to experience the difference in perceptions of people that you thought you knew. Having information added to your schema of an individual(s) is amazing. I tend to view the knowledge of learning more about someone as a positive. As I learn more about someone else, I learn more about myself.

That evening was a catalyst for putting some things in my life into perspective. I shared some information about myself beyond the realm that I normally would, and in a group at that. In hindsight, I am surprised at myself yet also proud. Over time, especially in the past year or so, I have been able to share more freely. I attribute these changes to the tail end experience of my back injury, the experience of working where I am at and all that I have learned in my graduate program. Also to a few select people who have had the patience and caring, trusting, confident demeanor that I need for this to happen. Thank you.

I have always used the written means to sort out my thoughts and feelings. It is quite another to articulate them verbally. I still struggle with that, but as with anything else, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. But just talking with these people, these friends of mine, men, women, various ages, backgrounds, was just a good thing. Who knew that such a random conversation could uplift your spirits? I went in with a heavy weight and came out with the burden completely lifted; and I am not even quite sure what that weight was. I have been struggling with various areas of my life. Sometimes it just gets me frantic, on the inside. Hidden. Although I can't determine which area has been bothering me the most. I think a lot about my current place of employment and my pending graduation. I think about how I am not in a position to fully take care of myself, which drives me crazy. It is partly to do with money, it is more to do with feeling lost at times. As is, where the hell am I going? (this is a future journal prompt)

So I work on making things better (through education, networking with organizations, etc) yet all that seems so far away, although it is not far away at all. I am accustomed to doing everything, taking control of my life and systematically doing things to make the changes that I seek. I've lived on my own since I was 19. I initially started off living with a boyfriend. I learned a lot during that time. No regrets. I had some roommates on and off, but found it easier to just pay the bills on my own rather than wonder if they would be able to take care of their share of the responsibilities. Overall, I have been taking care of myself since I was 9. Father out of the picture, sister who, 8 years older, ran away by the age of 16, Mother who worked all the time; three jobs to support us. I saw her on Mondays. I got myself off to school and came home to an empty house. Made my dinner, hated it when my friends could not come out to play. I thought it was entirely normal to do the things I did at such a young age. I stayed out of trouble although I knew just where to find it. However, I did not want to put my mother through the turmoil that my sister did, so I chose to be the "good daughter". Funny, how that bites me in the ass now, in regards to the relationship between my sister and I.

Anyhow, I have done alright for myself. As I have mentioned in other posts, I do not write the things that I do to complain. They are reminders of what I have done, what I have accomplished, what I need to do to be a better person and to help give me direction. And I know that people are in all states of turmoil and that I have fared pretty damn well. No, not complaining. It is when I am feeling lost that I realize I must look to see where I have been in order to figure out where I am going. I plug away, trying to make good choices. I simply do the things that I like to do and I work towards being able to continue to have that freedom to choose what I want out of life. However, I am not as strong as I appear to be. I know this and this is no revelation. Are any of us?

Yet I am capable, intelligent, loyal and am tenacious and driven towards the things, people and situations I care about. Indeed.

What has tweaked my perception is how to handle this seemingly perpetual struggle. I make mistakes, I do and say stupid stuff and sometimes I do not say anything because I am stuck in my head. I am dealing with some of my struggles by letting some of it go, or rather, let it work itself out as it may. Other areas, I can make a decision as to how I want to actively tackle the issue. I haven't an answer, but something has made me feel much better. Things aren't necessarily better, but how I handle them, how I feel them and how I look at them, are somehow better.

The gnawing feeling is not there.

And so, this conversation with my friends prompted me to take a closer look at all those things, of which I am sure to continue to write about.

Good night and take care,
Carey