I might need to find a hobby or something else I can do to occupy my down time. Not that I really ever have an excess of it. School keeps me busy and I have a talent for balancing my life pretty well. There are times when circumstances throw me off, but all I can do is be grateful for what is going well. I encourage people to see those things and to cherish those that you care about. Our world is too fragile.. too fucked up.. too little time to let dumb stuff get in the way..
Sometimes I have to remind myself of that.

This time of year throws me off balance a little bit. I slow down, I am not as motivated to do things and I often just want to crawl into bed after a day at work. I am still happy and pleasant; this is not a depressed state of mind. I think it is attributed to the darkness, as I would otherwise be spending my time outside, playing with the basketball, nerfball, gardening, messing with the car, going for walks, reading, doing school work and hanging with friends on any given day. Now it is almost dark as I am coming home.

So this week, I walk in the door, make something quick for dinner and then look around and ask myself, "now what?" This week I have no class and therefore nothing that is due until next week. I always have school work to do (but only for another nine months) but I don't always want to be absorbed into that. I am excited over this free time and I have been utilizing it fairly well, but I have little ambition to seek an engaging task. Well, I managed to wash my dishes tonight :)

I thought about looking into dance class. Not that long ago I had been regularly taking Middle Eastern dance class. I immensely enjoyed it and felt quite feminine in the process. I stopped once I couldn't juggle it in my schedule any longer. I had been working full time, and 1-2 extra jobs, then began full time grad school.. at some point I needed to pare down my life. No one saw me the first few months into my program. I completely dropped from sight; my friends and family seeing me for a few rare minutes at a time. Although I resigned myself to this lifestyle, eventually I became more efficient as my brain adapted to formal learning again. I also learned some nifty shortcuts..

I know some classes will be more intense and time consuming than others, so I am reticent about committing myself to a set schedule/time slot say, with taking a dance or art class. This brings me to finding something in the apartment that I can do to keep myself occupied and stimulated when I have no other responsibilities to take care of.

When the snow dumps, I will ski. But when it is dark.. hmm, I have yet to figure it out.

In the mean time, I shall write, post random pictures and watch a lot of tv.For example:

I found a new flower that poked up through the dirts and fallen leaves. It has a bunch more buds on it, but sadly I don't expect to see any of them flower.


I admitted already that I need a hobby for my down time.. I got into the last of the Halloween candy. I found a box of brains, that I enjoyed chewing on this evening. Fruity!




my beloved stuffed turtle in response to (e:metalpeters) [inlink]metalpeter,491[/inlink]post about where we sleep. Some of us mentioned our stuffed animals..


Update on my Turkey Day plans:
Ooh, I am now having Thanksgiving dinner at my apartment. Yay!! I spoke with my mother who had intuited that I was not fond of the idea of going out for dinner. She called me and stated that we (mom, myself and step dad) would be staying in for dinner. I will try to cook something so she doesn't have to do it all; I would put the whole thing together if necessary, if anyone is adventurous enough to try what I come up with. Actually I do pretty amazingly well when I am "creating" something.. it is when I am forced to follow a recipe that it all goes to hell. I am too rebellious to follow the rules of a recipe.

The cool thing about having it at my apartment is that the apartment next door is currently empty. The only thing these two apartments share is a staircase down to our respective sides to the basement. We get to the staircase through our kitchen doors, which are adjacent. I can open my door and step over into the apartment if I wanted to. Since my mother owns the building, I think I can go and use that stove as well. Hmm, I will have to ask about that. Ooh, maybe have a party and use that side as well. Woohoo! A whole empty apartment to party in.. I wonder if the heat is still on?
I will have to try to deter her from going in and doing land lord duties. She is unable to sit still, her pleasures in life revolve around any project that requires Home Depot products; she has thorough knowledge of all tools ever made.

I wonder if the movie theater is open on Thanksgiving. Maybe after the two hours we spend together, I will venture out to the theater. OoOoooh, Harry Potter..

This is on my wish list.. hehe




Who is doing what tomorrow? (wednesday) I have seen some ideas from..
(e:paul), (e:mike), (e:pyrcedgrrl) ??????
My work buddies are assuming I am going out with all of them.. which I may start off wherever we come up with, but I want to know what else is going on and where.
Although I am concerned that we are supposed to get a snow storm and while I don't mind hiking through the snow, I don't want to get crocked in Buffalo and have a long ass drive home. Maybe I will party close to home... ahh, I will figure it out when that time comes. I am open to anything! An adventure will surely arise. I'll pack a toboggan and one of those outer space foil body heat blankets and pack some protein for sustanance :D

who posted about the HuFu cannibal alternative? lmao.. I would try it.

Hey (e:ladycroft) if you are in town, shall we go over to the Stone Jug??

Well, that about wraps up my evening. I am going to grab a book and get cozy under a mound of blankets. And this is not going to be a school book. I have on my dresser a few of my favorite authors: Richard Laymon (might give me nightmares), two Chuck Palaniuk novels and one Kurt Vonnegut. I think I might go for the Laymon freak fest.

Stay warm friends
and stay safe
Carey

It's axiomatic...

An open newspaper is an open invitation for a cat to get comfy.

All that attention directed to one spot is not tolerated if that spot is not Joseph (joe, jojo, jo jo no beans)

Hence my morning began with the Wall Street Journal and a cup of coffee all while navigating through a blob of fur.





Last night I passed out on my couch, in front of the still burning fire, shortly after the scotch adventure [inlink]theecarey,48[/inlink] My artistic rendering of my thoughts did not pan out very well. I kinda scribbled and jotted down a few words. Maybe next time..
So, I had some wacked dreams.. a few disturbing ones and a couple of odd but pretty nice ones as well. I think there were ones about my apartment being haunted by squirrels.

After my lazy start to the day, I proceeded on to non school/work related activities. I am soooo excited not to have class this week. Wednesday night I am getting crocked somewhere. Although, I have no idea what I am doing for Thanksgiving. My mom calls to say that we are going out for dinner. WHAT?? You can't just change things like that. OK, so it will most likely be just be my mom and myself, and maybe my step dad.. but to go out for dinner is going to be weird. I will deal with it.. maybe I can change her mind. I could make dinner.. LOL.. last year I cooked the turkey upside down.

I was really looking forward to a giant vat of mashed potatoes. Dinner out, hmph! Then again... there would be no dishes. hmmm.. Then, I am not above using paper plates, lol.

Lunch rolls around and I take a peak into my fridge to see what may have materialized that was within the expiration date. I found leftovers! (from this week). Actually they weren't mine, but (e:pyrcedgrrls). After work on Friday, after a stint at Caputies (What do you Guiness fans think of the bottled Guiness??-- its good but not the same as a pint of the free flowing happiness that is guiness draft)and before Barnes and Noble, we had Thai/Vietnamese food at Saigon Bangkok.. which is right next door to the Dip and Dive.. anyone else find humor? Anyhow, she ordered something that resembled the Chefs Special off of the movie eXisTenZ. There were multiple funky, multi legged creatures in a flavorful rice noodle concoction. Not bad, but I couldn't get past the creatures. I tried one out of morbid curiousity, but I could barely gag down the legs. I had a delightful Yellow Curry (yum).

So I contemplated her left overs.. deemed myself hungry enough.. and heated up the noodles. There weren't any more of the purple monsters left, so I thought it would be safe, until I noted that there were little legs mixed up within the noodles.

I just couldn't do it. I tossed that and reached for the Wasa crackers and apple butter (not much better, but at least none of that had legs).

There were plaety of really good sounding stuff on the menu.. all of which I would like to go back and try., I am a big fan of curry (mild) and pretty much anything Thai.

The rest of the day had been spent running a few errands,watching tv, walking, playing outside and then more relaxing.. getting prepared for the work week. The very short work week. YAY!

Despite the fact that all of the radio stations are polluting our ears with Christmas music...

Despite the fact that the stores are replete with crazed holiday shoppers (ran out of pretty/girly glade plug in )

Despite the fact that some of you were buried under the white stuff..

And despite the fact that I spent a portion of my day "winterizing" my car..

It is a FACT that it is still fall!!!!!!

Some pictorial evidence of said fact:

A few miles north of everyone, not a flake has fallen. The sun has been shining, my flowers still blooming and the grass still visible and soft..








A venture through Fort Niagara.. sitting on the beach of Lake Ontario











I would love to go boating; even if it is a bit chilly. Anyone have a boat??


cemetary- dating back to late 18th cetury




Niagara River


So after playing outside, cleaning the apartment and making it smell extra yummy, (sometimes cleaning really relaxes me) my very stong desire to imbibe left me making a trip to the liquer store. Yo, get me some Fo'ties, woo!

It had been awhile, too long in fact, and so tonight, I was on a mission to kick back in front of the fire with a bottle of scotch, a cigar , Miles Davis in the background and perhaps get to finally reading Thursdays newspaper. I get into a funk this time of year. Relaxing just seems right, whether on my own or with a gathering. No one could make it out.. sick.. at the movies..in a cave.. etc.. so its all mine mine mine!!!

Have Scotch Envy.


I passed over the Jameson this time around..






"Amber with glints of gold; smooth, rich, fruity, and delicate floral flavors with a honeyed sweetness and long finish.." There is nothing delicate about Scotch. If I wanted delicate, I would drink a fuzzy something. Although, I can't and wouldnt do this straight up..

pretty smooth stuff. Add a splash of water and tiny sips are divine.



I pulled out my sketch book "sketch journal" and art supplies as well. Sometimes I draw what I am thinking/feeling/ruminating on, as opposed to writing it out, as sometimes words allude me. It is a nice change. Occassionally I add a few words, phrases, "poetry".. Its good to get my head clear. I am about to dive into that now..

Just wanted to share my day so far..

There is not a single snow flake up here in Y-Town. It is wildly windy out; I hear my garage door rattling along with other things banging outside. I think my basketball net fell down again. oh look, there goes Toto. And Mr. Matthews. I wanted to play a little before hauling it in for the winter; basketball that is. Not small dogs or math teachers.

I am in an amazing mood this evening. I feel much more like myself.. happy, flirty, lovable. This hedonist has no pain. The last few days were just miserable in the pain department (as per prior posts). The mouth pain has subsided since about 4pm today. I am feeling optimistic. I really look forward to sleeping in a comfy position, as opposed to sitting up as I have been forced to do these past few nights. I love my sleep.

So, I hear it is snowing. Youngstown probably wont get a single flake. In the middle of winter Buffalo can be under 6 feet of snow, and just a few miles north, my yard will be green. I still take full advantage of the cold nights.. under blankets, in front of fire place, bottles of wine, cigars and preferably good conversation and at some point, no conversation ;)

If I didn't have an assload of school work due in the afternoon, I would love to kick back with a bottle of wine. Or a scotch. yeh, that sounds just right.

ooh, i work in a school. Snow day! Snow day! Its only wednesday. It feels closer to the weekend. My brain is a week ahead. I have next Thurs and Fri off for the Holiday. Yipee!! I also do not have class next week. Bonus. Whatever will I do with myself?

Time for dream land.
Take care and good night.
carey

Ever get that horrible dry tired feeling in your eyes, as though you have been crying all day? I have that, and the tears were almost real. The multiple flare ups of mouth pain had my eyes tearing,reddish and half closed all day. I have been popping ibuprofen almost every hour, but it isn't doing much.. yet it is doing more than the tylenol with codeine does. I will work my way through this; I would think that my pain receptors will begin to compensate and that the pain will feel less intense as time goes on. If not, then I will weigh my options once more. I am atleast glad that there is no pain associated with brushing, flossing, eating, drinking, etc..

However last night kicked my ass. The flare up were so intense, that it left me unconscious or something, I vaguely recall closing my eyes during an episode, trying to mentally will it away, when I woke a couple of hours later, completely out of it. Then it hit again full force. And again. And again. I wanted to pass out but couldn't.
Then I did cry.
And that sucked.
It had been too long to remember and all I can say is that crying sucks. It takes over you like some alien being. ahh.
So I hopped my teary ass in the shower and bawled some more. Intensely for a few minutes. The pain was pissing me off, becuase I felt like I was getting in the way of myself (does that make sense?), which made me frustrated which in turn set me up for real tears. Ahhhhhh.
Then I jumped back into bed, slightly shivering from my outburst.
I sat in the dark," indian" style. I eventually fell asleep like that. yup, sitting up.

It was a rough night.
Nerve pain is just sooo weird. But it will get better....

My sleepy eyes..

Hygeine.

haha-- nothing *that* exciting.

I am not fond of dentists. I grew up terrified of them, actually. However, I love my teeth and have a slight OCD regarding them. I have them cleaned 3-4 times a year and my daily oral habits are inspiring (or ridiculous)..

Anyhow, late Saturday night I experienced insane pain. Made me cry or something close to it. Back in January I had all 4 of my wisdom teeth yanked out at once. Two shots of numbing agent and I was good to go. I found my "happy place" during the procedure, and managed pretty well when one of the teeth did not want to come out. Long story short, I could have fallen in love with my oral surgen at that point. It was really scary and he talked me through it all. It really was an ordeal. AFter that I had been sent home with a script for hydrocodone.

OK, skip to today. I scrounged around for a couple tabs of left over hydrocodone to get me through the day. I was feeling all fuzzy at work, even though it was just a half a tab I took every few hours. I had made a call to my dentist and he got me in immediately.

My mouth doesn't hurt all the time, but when it does, I am paralyzed from the sensation. It comes and goes.. There is nothing visible going on (yes, i have my own little hygeine set which includes a mirror and pick) and nothing is felt when I knock on the teeth. Info I found online was vague, so I was happy (and scared) to get into the dentist this afternoon.

prognosis? My little nerve is dying where my difficult wisdom tooth was extracted. I am not in bad condition at all.. it just needs some work. No infection, nothing major.. I was given a script for painkillers and was given the choice to do the work right away or in january when my dental insurance is back to the maximum amount. I was fine with the latter choice, I have dealt with pain before, I think I can manage it. We will see.. My only concern was that it was a serious matter that needed immediate attention, so I guess its good news..

A day off from work to do whatever my little heart desired. I am spoiled like that. Atleast for now..

After some routine house maintenance and school work, I headed out in search of adventure. What I found was groceries, cell phone shopping and a visit to a friend in nearby Wilson. I am always amazed and slightly terrified that her rottweiler insists on being a lap dog. My drool dodging skills improve each time.

The hedonist in me guided me into spending the remainder of the evening at home. After grabbing some chinese takeout, beer and loaded the dvd player with American Pie 1,2, & American Wedding , I settled my ass on the couch and laughed myself to tears.

I also played with the web cam.. I like the grainy look of the pictures. I have to resize to make any of them a user pic.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME
(first pet and color of your walls)
Snowball Deep Pleasure

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME
(grandfather/grandmother on father's side first name, favorite snack)
Mary Gummi Bears

4. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME
(first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
C. Mar

5. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME
(favorite animal, name of high school)
Cat Lewport

6. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME
(middle name, street you live on(if its a number, do closest name street)
Marie Church

7. YOUR STAR WARS NAME
(first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name)
Mar Ula Kay

8. YOUR HOOKER NAME
(first pets name and the first street that you live on)
Taffy Main

After a long week, Friday night presented an opportunity to unwind.

(e:pyrcedgrrl) and I ventured out to city Spot coffee. Our attempts to alter our state of mind with large quantities of caffeinated beverages proved to be a fruitless effort. We assessed our options and chose to up the ante and proceed straight on to full scale debauchery of the alcoholic variety...

The kind you find at Cathode Ray when Jim is bartending. Best $6.25 return on investment ever.

(moi) "I am a chreap dunk" --- two drinks substantiated this eloquant expression.

Later.. taking a walk..The line from point A to point B is not necessarily a straight one. I vaguely recall going to the car to grab my cloves, but they remain unopened. We found the camera and made multiple attempts to take pictures of ourselves. Plenty of partial head shots, pictures of the sky and pavement. However a few interesting shots made it. See, at this point I had easily succumbed to the power of suggestion.

Rummaging through the trunk (why was this, again?) --
epyrcedgrrl: "Look,a tarp. Lets bring it with us"
(e:theecarey): "ok" (pulls it from trunk..)



I am not sure how far I got with the tarp, but it made perfect sense at the time.

same with the ass shot "take a picture of my butt!":


Eventually we wandered down Allen with no forseen destination. Walking, talking, laughing, looking into the shops..


(e:theecarey): "Look at that picture! I had one growing up.."

(e:pyrcedgrrl): "which one?"

(e:theecarey) (pointing to a picture inside an antique shop on Allen) "The octangular one" (it was oval)

A very short visit to Mulligans:







I suddenly needed Ketchup. Dana knew just where to find "Vehicles for Ketchup"..

Off to Jims SteakOut..

(I normally don't like to work this hard for my food)








(Lovin' the Ketchup tonight)




Dana loves her, um.. what is that? What is that white stuff exploded all over the front of your shirt?? Let me taste.. yup, its The Money Shot
(blue cheese).




And so we filled our bellies and made our way back down to the car. Before heading home we made a stop at Diablo. I refused to get out of the car, having no desire to consort with the Angsty Crew (I love them, but I must be full on drunk). So we sat in the car while multiple Goths begged and slit wrists for our company. Eventually the call of the darkness called them back into the morbid abyss, and we were able to "escape". hahahah Maybe next time, my morose minions :)

11 pm.
Restlessness persists,
I accept the silence.
Do I dream tonight?


I ventured outside for a breath of cool fresh air; suprised by the clear sky replete with stars.
How I wanted to take a walk, yet the darkness and the unknown held me back. In t-shirt, sleep pants and slippers, I stepped out onto the driveway and made my way down to the mailbox, all the while gazing up into the starry night. An empty mailbox reminds me that all my bills are paid. A perusal of the neighborhood announces that the time for slumber has arrived. Everywhere it is quiet and the lights are dim; is noone awake but I? I inhale deeply as I return wistfully to the empty warmth of my apartment.


As crazy as my Thursday schedule is, I look forward to it. I manage to juggle full time work, full time school and a personal life with aplomb. I don't hold myself so rigidly to a schedule or expectations of anyone or myself that everything must go smoothly or it all falls apart. Actually I work well with the nuances of life. I am never sure what to expect and have incorporated latitude for such occurances; and when some things aren't so fabulous, I remind myself what and who in my life is pretty fabulous.

Earlier in the week I had the unexpected opportunity to bring my car to the shop. I had to quickly arrange a means for alternate transportation, which worked out fine, other than having to miss a few hours of work. Today I receive a call that my car "should be completed by closing", and once again, must arrange for transportation involving picking up the car and returning borrowed car to owner. In this case, I missed some class time, which bothered me but I managed alright. It meant that I was home earlier than normal and allowed me to slow down a little.

I had walked in the door, wrapped myself in a blanket and fell asleep on the couch for a couple of hours. I awoke around 10 pm. I didn't mean to do that! So, now, approaching midnight, I am wide awake. I have a small book collection that I haven't really taken a look at in awhile. I rarey read poetry and there are collections of stories that I would llike to reread. A very recent conversation on various writers has sparked my desire to revisit works I have read in the past, including poetry. I have a few anthologies that I must dust off. I feel like I am getting ready to go on an archeaological dig. The more I think, the more I remember. And the more I want to know... Thank you.
One of my favorite poems, by Chidiock Tichborne


On the eve of execution


1My prime of youth is but a frost of cares,
2My feast of joy is but a dish of pain,
3My crop of corn is but a field of tares,
4And all my good is but vain hope of gain.
5The day is gone and I yet I saw no sun,
6And now I live, and now my life is done.


7The spring is past, and yet it hath not sprung,
8The fruit is dead, and yet the leaves are green,
9My youth is gone, and yet I am but young,
10I saw the world, and yet I was not seen,
11My thread is cut, and yet it was not spun,
12And now I live, and now my life is done.


13I sought my death and found it in my womb,
14I lookt for life and saw it was a shade,
15I trode the earth and knew it was my tomb,
16And now I die, and now I am but made.
17The glass is full, and now the glass is run,
18And now I live, and now my life is done.

As a conspirator in the plot to murder Queen Elizabeth, this young man was executed by hanging (but not before being publicly disemboweled alive!!) Chidiock wrote this three stanza poem to his wife, the night before his execution.


I think that I will also dig into the archives of my writing. I should have a plethora of essays, critiques, reflections, poetry, somewhere around here..

I think it is finally time to fall back asleep. And the weekend is almost officially here. Yay!

Take care and be safe,
Carey